Nasty emails from so uBPDxw

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I reached out to the "happily x" as she calls herself in an email to open direct communication & lessen the barrage on 17d, 22d, 2gs.  I politely asked (3x) for her to ask me if she has questions or issues and not put the kids in the middle.  She scathed me and I was sweet as pie but by her 4th vile email I stated I wish you well and I'm still praying for you.  Mind you this is the first/only time we have had a "conversation" in almost 3 years.  I've never spoken a word to the woman and she proceeds to "tell me how it is" and my so loves her more than me & she took his heart bla... .bla... .bla... .So radio silence for a week then court on monday with a new email coming in mere hours after.  Accusing me of lying, trying to get her daughter taken away, & the MY kids crap. So I typed a sweet but firm response inviting her to lunch on me.  Am I freekin crazy?  Am I opening a can that should remain shut? Is there a possibility she may respond positively?  Am I self-sacrificing to save the kids from being put in the middle?

[ShaSha]

So I reached out to the "happily x" as she calls herself in an email to open direct communication & lessen the barrage on 17d, 22d, 2gs.  I politely asked (3x) for her to ask me if she has questions or issues and not put the kids in the middle.  She scathed me and I was sweet as pie but by her 4th vile email I stated I wish you well and I'm still praying for you.  Mind you this is the first/only time we have had a "conversation" in almost 3 years.  I've never spoken a word to the woman and she proceeds to "tell me how it is" and my so loves her more than me & she took his heart bla... .bla... .bla... .So radio silence for a week then court on monday with a new email coming in mere hours after.  Accusing me of lying, trying to get her daughter taken away, & the MY kids crap. So I typed a sweet but firm response inviting her to lunch on me.  Am I freekin crazy?  Am I opening a can that should remain shut? Is there a possibility she may respond positively?  Am I self-sacrificing to save the kids from being put in the middle?

[NorthernGirl]

It sounds like your second guessing what you did. What do you see when you look back at the interaction? Sometimes we revert to old behaviors. How did you used to communicate with your ex?

How are your daughters doing? Do they really need you in the middle?

Be kind to yourself. Recognize that you may have slipped. And then figure out what you need to do -- maybe back to radio silence?

[ugghh]

The short answers

Am I freekin crazy?  NO

Am I opening a can that should remain shut? PROBABLY

Is there a possibility she may respond positively?  UNLIKELY, REMEMBER WHAT BROUGHT YOU TO THESE BOARDS IN THE FIRST PLACE

Am I self-sacrificing to save the kids from being put in the middle? YES, BUT THEY PROBABLY DON'T NEED YOU AS MUCH AS YOU THINK.

About once a month my xBPDw will send an email that gets my dander up, I start to type an angry or witty response and then I realize by doing do i am putting her back in charge and I just stop and go back to radio silence and enjoying my life free of the crazy making.

[ShaSha]

I was typing so furiously last night that I probably wasn't clear. I reached out to my significant others udBPDxw for the first time ever since we have been together (3yrs). The kids are his and I have an 18 yr d. I have been involved with his kids 17d, 22d, and 2gs.  They are put in the middle daily & she for forces them to choose "sides".  This is the "storage unit" he came with and we are trying to clean it out together before his daughter & my daughter graduate in June.  This is the first direct contact I have ever initiated in 3 yrs.  yes, I have seen her in court, at kids games, & my bf has received many emails re:me.  She can be quite nasty but my thought was to do something different & reach out to her.  My thought is maybe this will change things as it's never been done before? Yes, I am second guessing myself because this new action is uncomfortable.  My thought if she returns with another nasty email, I respond sweet and shut the door.

[bravhart1]

I'm curious why when you are so close being done with her, just a few short months till graduation, that you felt the need to engage either her now?

I would be planning a huge " I'm done with her party" if I were in you shoes. What am I missing?

[NorthernGirl]

Any word in reply?

My thought is maybe this will change things as it's never been done before? Yes, I am second guessing myself because this new action is uncomfortable.  My thought if she returns with another nasty email, I respond sweet and shut the door.

My experience with DH's ex (uBPD) has been that there is nothing that will make our relationship better. She has exploded when I have done anything she finds threatening, but she has been highly critical if she thinks I'm not doing enough. There is no "winning." She is happy to put the kids in the middle -- DH had to set up good boundaries for that to stop. Counsellors for the kids have given her lots of advice. Her response has been to either dismiss what they say, or to fire them outright. I have never seen her take this advice.

I can't guarantee that your BF's ex will do anything differently -- maybe something new will work, but it isn't likely sustainable. A few times along the way, DH's ex has said nice things about me to DH but it has never lasted. The drama she creates soothes her. Same with the fear she instills in the kids.

If you do get together, what do you think is a realistic expectation to have? What will you do if she doesn't change?

[ShaSha]

So, I received another nasty email and I'm officially done.  It's obvious that her "feelings" have created her reality of the past.  I tried and if the kids ever ask, I can say with confidence  that I reached out.  I wrote a sweet, beautiful email that I would be proud for any of our kids to read especially when all I wanted to do was curse her.  I just keep reminding myself of karma and how I'm so grateful that I don't have to live in that sad, pathetic, shallow mind.  I'm also grateful that my bf got away... .he's worked hard to repaired the damage she has done.  He still struggles with the kids although is starting to see the fruits of his labor.  I remind myself to rest assured that everything WILL come full circle and she will get what she deserves without any of my doing.

Does anyone else find that their BPD is stuck in the past? Just can't get over it? Refuses to move on?

[livednlearned]

Does anyone else find that their BPD is stuck in the past? Just can't get over it? Refuses to move on?

It takes a lot of strength and patience, and specific tools (validation, SET, etc.) to communicate with someone who suffers from BPD. People with BPD experience feelings as fact, they have extreme rejection sensitivity, are often very impulsive, and return to baseline very slowly. Even the best intentions can be triggering, often because of the disorder, but also because it's hard to communicate with someone who has experienced nothing but turbulent interpersonal relationships. It's all they know.

I do think there are some BPD sufferers that can respond well, but I think you have to learn everything you can about BPD and be committed to the process despite how she responds. Her filter is never going to work the same way, so it's a process of trying to understand how fear-based her behavior is, and how it often has nothing to do with you.

If you decide to keep working on the relationship, I recommend reading Lesson 1 in the sidebar to the right. Or, if you want to go straight to a helpful tool, there is a book called You Don't Have to Make It All Better that is excellent. In my experience, learning about validation helped my son immensely, but it also improved other relationships in my life. It's at the heart of how we communicate with pwBPD, but it's also just a really emotionally mature way to go through life. So it won't be a waste of time, even if the ex remains nasty. It's also likely that your SDs grew up in an extremely invalidating environment, since most BPD mothers are stunted there, so if nothing else, it could bring something important to your SDs.

I admire what you're going for here -- it says a lot about you ShaSha. It's ok if it doesn't work, you tried. But I also think it's helpful to look at the literature on effective ways to communicate so you can optimize any hopes of success.



LnL