Here I am again

[Left broken and confused]

I have been doing much better and have been trying to stay away hoping maybe not reading about all the pain would help me heal. I have been much more open to meeting people and even joined match.com but I have now done a 360 and am hurting once again. I just don't understand I see him on fb and my replacement looking so happy why does he get to be happy and I don't. He is crazy not me. He called me 2 weeks ago and asked to see me then didn't call again. He seems to be friends with all her family and friends but yet everyone around me hated him. Is it just I wasn't good enough. I'm just hurting so much and feel stuck. I can't even find anyone I like on match. I went on 1 date and didn't like the guy at all. My self esteem is extremely low right now and I feel like I will never be happy again which I know is silly to feel

[tjay933]

sorry to hear you are feeling so lousy. how long were you together and how long have you been apart now? remember that he is putting on a show right now for her and her family. eventually they will also see the other face and will join with yours on their feelings towards him. also, if you are only going based on his fb page, he may be outright lying just to push your buttons.

i found david burns books on self esteem wonderful and very helpful when i was walking down that path. he has several out there and they are very good. so good in fact i don't think i made it all the way through them before i was feeling so much better i didn't get to finish them. i know i should have finished them but they were so empowering i wanted to move to a different road then.

stay safe.

[Left broken and confused]

We were together 4 years and haven't officially been together since June. I have made the mistake of being with him twice in January both times ended with us having sex which I know is really not the smartest thing. My head tells me that if he can be all lovey with this new women on fb which is about 10 years older than him and seems to have alot of money and be paying his way then who is to say he was really faithful to me. It doesn't stop my hurt though and I can't figure why he called me 2 weeks ago. I do know he is drinking alot and she also drinks alot. I'm just so confused because he seems like a different person with her. With me he wanted to stay home and have nobody near me yet they are out drinking every weekend.

[tjay933]

four years is a long stretch. although you officially broke up in June it sounds like your heart was still with him up to this Jan. that's a very short time compared with the amount of time you were together. imo you need more time to heal and rediscover yourself. so don't rush into anything right now-imo.

My head tells me that if he can be all lovey with this new women on fb which is about 10 years older than him and seems to have alot of money and be paying his way then who is to say he was really faithful to me.

yes, if they can jump to the next relationship so quickly there is something not healthy there. pwBPD will move on quickly and effortlessly-we are only a "fix" for their "addiction".

It doesn't stop my hurt though and I can't figure why he called me 2 weeks ago.

imo-there is no understanding how/why they think/do the things they do. i'm sorry it hurts so much. it will get better and lessen with time.

I'm just so confused because he seems like a different person with her.

right now he's playing a part. in time, he will start to show the real him and she may not keep him then. that's the time you have to beware as a pwBPD will often return to the last person which in this case is you to "feed" off of. don't be surprised if this happens. be on the lookout for this and take this time to decide how you do/don't want to respond when/if this happens.

read up on the lessons on the side. they are very educational in teaching about BPD and also about self-awareness and how we can heal and even the stages of healing. i know you will find them enlightening.

you deserve to treat yourself to something you like/want to do. what would you like to do today/tomorrow? will it take a lot of effort to go and do it? then have a chocolate sundae-you're worth it and deserve it. 

above all, stay safe.

[Reecer1588]

I am sorry you are going through this. The only thing I can say is, every time I post a new thread on here, and talk to people, it always gives me a little bit more insight. And frankly, it always makes me feel better. Knowing that you aren't alone, you aren't the only one this has happened to, you just aren't alone.

It's huge

[Left broken and confused]

I really just can't stand that my head knows it's wrong but yet my heart still wants him. I want everything he told me to have been true because it felt like the truth. He is such a coward he never even ended our relationship after 4 years but I am a bigger coward for letting him walk back into my life and being afraid to even talk about what happened. He excuse of why he can't talk about it is it hurts too much. Why do I just accept that? I'm smart, have a great job and take care of my children with no help from anyone. We should feel we better than this but I just stuck here

[Infared]

I really just can't stand that my head knows it's wrong but yet my heart still wants him. I want everything he told me to have been true because it felt like the truth. He is such a coward he never even ended our relationship after 4 years but I am a bigger coward for letting him walk back into my life and being afraid to even talk about what happened. He excuse of why he can't talk about it is it hurts too much. Why do I just accept that? I'm smart, have a great job and take care of my children with no help from anyone. We should feel we better than this but I just stuck here

Well... .I identify with your head and your heart. it makes no sense and it tears us apart... .they do not care. They are not wired like us... .You are asking for help, and I can tell you one thing that your head knows and your heart will resist. Absolute no contact. Block him on Fakebook  , do not look at him on social media, etc.etc... How do you expect to feel better and get over something that is not healthy for you if you are still rubbing your own face in it?  Sorry to be so blunt, but I had to have people point out the obvious to me. I had to force myself to let go... .I miss what I "thought" I had with her every day... .but I will absolutely not have or allow any contact... .It just is not healthy for me on any level... simple to say, hard to do... .but it gets easier with practice... .I had to get rid of the "yeah, but's" and the excuses and get honest with myself.

It's toxic for me to interact with her in any way... I just had to surrender to that.!

[Left broken and confused]

Infared I know you are 100% correct and I am not sure why I do it to myself.  I really can't seem shaking the checking fb thing. It's like I am just waiting and wanting to see the ball drop for him. Not sure if it is the want to see him in pain the same as I am or the hope he will run back to me and that is the honest truth. Not sure if I want the chance to hurt him as mean as that sounds but I know I couldn't trust him again so what else could it be. I am 42 and never in my life hurt anyone. I haven't even brought my ex husband to court for child support so why am I feeling this way about this relationship?  I wasn't even that happy when we were together

[Suzn]

Why do I just accept that?

Because you are respectful of other's boundaries. Whether or not they are truthful. It still shows you are a respectful person.

You are a smart person, you are reaching out when you need support. I'm glad you are sharing this with us. I'm sorry this hurts so much, you're grieving and feeling sad is appropriate to get to the other side of the grieving process. It will get better.

[Infared]

Infared I know you are 100% correct and I am not sure why I do it to myself.  I really can't seem shaking the checking fb thing. It's like I am just waiting and wanting to see the ball drop for him. Not sure if it is the want to see him in pain the same as I am or the hope he will run back to me and that is the honest truth. Not sure if I want the chance to hurt him as mean as that sounds but I know I couldn't trust him again so what else could it be. I am 42 and never in my life hurt anyone. I haven't even brought my ex husband to court for child support so why am I feeling this way about this relationship?  I wasn't even that happy when we were together

I feel for your situation... .most here have been in the confusing, painful place. I know that I was soo hopeful that I would have a chance to work everything out with her just soo hopeful... .and then I would fluctuate to anger and pain... .it was the most difficult

time in my life. I needed to face grieving the huge loss (to me only, not her I am certain), in my life.  The drive-byes and the occasional carrot dangling were just to keep me in the background (like a spare tire!)... .but it was soo hard for me to let that go... .I got a T and got in a self help group and really had to get responsible to me and face the reality and break free from the cyclical mess for me.  People with BPD do not have relatively normal feelings the way that we do.  There is a coldness there and mental illness. For me there just was no "figuring that out and fixing it"... .No matter how much my faithful heart wanted to do just that.

I wish you strength and peace in your mind and heart... .with practice you can start to save you... .

[downwhim]

Left B and C,

I know it is not easy to raise your children on your own. It is nice to have someone there just for YOU to add comfort and now he is gone. It is interesting that you said you weren't happy with him. I think many of us experienced a great deal of unhappiness then questioned why we were with them time and again.

I agree with Infared, they can be so cold and detached with this mental illness. It is like one minute we are their everything and then we are nothing but a distant memory. And, my ex told me on previous b/u's that no he barely thought of me. Maybe once in awhile he would get a little pain he said but other than that... .nothing

So, we put all this time and energy into these relationships with little in return. Somehow they hook us good and we can't seem to shake free. I have been N/C for 5 months now. Amazingly, I have done it. I do not want to know what he is doing or who he is with. Way... .too painful and I am working on indifference.

Stay strong and N/C. Fb is a way to show off, that's it.

[tjay933]

i remember someone once saying that we aren't mourning the loss of what we had but rather the loss of what we thought we had.

[Left broken and confused]

Tjay933

I think you nailed when you said we are mourning what we thought we had. I just can't believe anyone can be like this. Don't they realize what they do to people?

[tjay933]

Don't they realize what they do to people?

they don't care! it's all about them and what makes them feel good. it's selfishness to the extreme. imo

we can all mourn together. you are not alone. we are here for you and have been where you were and we have learnt some skills to "just keep swimming swimming swimming" (dory from finding nemo).

stay safe and remember to treat yourself to something good today-you deserve and are worth it. 

[Infared]

i remember someone once saying that we aren't mourning the loss of what we had but rather the loss of what we thought we had.

Hey tjay... .I have said that on a number of threads... .I am sure that I became aware of that here. We were "all-in" and commited... .I think my ex had those feelings, but in a more childlike way. What else can explain the quick reversal and the vindictiveness that they exhibit.

It helped me to realize that as much as I deeply loved this person that they just did not (or just were not capable because of their BPD) have the depth of love and commitment that I held for them.  That is a hard pill to swallow, but when I do take that medicine it makes acceptance of the situation more bearable... .it's painful... .but I just was never truly getting what they were "saying" that they were giving me. Not capable. Mine lives in a childlike world... .easy to love... but in the end it just vapors.

[DDMoo2013]

Tjay933

I think you nailed when you said we are mourning what we thought we had. I just can't believe anyone can be like this. Don't they realize what they do to people?

Def feeling that sentiment... .Never experience anything like this before... .

[downnout98]

We were together 4 years and haven't officially been together since June. I have made the mistake of being with him twice in January both times ended with us having sex which I know is really not the smartest thing. My head tells me that if he can be all lovey with this new women on fb which is about 10 years older than him and seems to have alot of money and be paying his way then who is to say he was really faithful to me. It doesn't stop my hurt though and I can't figure why he called me 2 weeks ago. I do know he is drinking alot and she also drinks alot. I'm just so confused because he seems like a different person with her. With me he wanted to stay home and have nobody near me yet they are out drinking every weekend.

I am sorry that you are going through this Left Broken and Confused. I am in a similar situation. In a matter of less than one month that my ex entered a r/s with my replacement, she was meeting his family and friends and posting it all over facebook. I don't have acces to her facebook and don't want it, but a mutual friend does and told me. It is extremely hurtful that they can move on so fast. Being replaced was more hurtful than when we first seperated.

But, I don't really think she is happy. How can they be. Look at their past. It is easier said than done, because I struggle with this and want to make all sorts of excuses for her. So sad.