A letter to my replacement

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

rlhmm's thread about the letter to his replacment inspired me for this thread. I think it's a good idea to write down everything we ever wanted to say to our replacement and put it here, instead of sending it him or her. Here's mine:

Dear replacement,

I don't know much about you. My ex told me a little about you and I googled your name after the breakup. You were married when you started the affair with my ex. You're a father of two kids. You left your family to start a relationship with a woman, you only knew for a couple of months. I know you both met at her new job. I found a photograph of you in the internet. You look like a nice guy, a gentle family father. You definitely don't look like a womanizer - nor do I. So I can imagine, what happened to you. You were married, you were in your mid-40ies and you felt something was wrong in your life. But you didn't think of starting an affair with a younger women. But then there was she - she jumped into your boat, told you how miserable her current relationship is, maybe she asked you about your marriage and told you, that you are both in the same situation. Two lost souls with the wrong partner, and then all went very fast. Love bombing, idealisation and lot's of sex.

I don't know what happened between the both of you in the days and weeks before she broke up with me. Did you both talked about leaving your partners? Or did your wife find out about the affair?

I just can tell you how it was for me. Your new girlfriend and me had a busy time. She had a new job, I had my own business and we had a lot of stuff to do, because we moved into together after more than three years. Yes, we just moved in together. We made plans for the new house, I spent a lot of money for new furniture, carpets and so on. We didn't have much time for each other at that time, but there was no sign of a crisis in our relationship. At last all went well, she finally found a job, we found that beautiful house (the place, where you live now) and out of the clear blue sky she told me, it's over, she met someone else and she thinks, it's real love. I broke down and cried. She said to me, with a cold voice: "Please do me a favour, don't cry in front of the children. They can't handle it." There I was, some of my removal crates were still unpacked ans she told me it's over. Se did not bump me out of our new house. She said "You can stay, you can sleep in your workroom. But you have to accept that in some weeks my new lover will come over night and sleep in our bedroom." She said this, like it was the most normal thing in the world, to send your old boyfriend to his workroom and sleep with your new partner in the bedroom.

As you know, I didn't accept her sadistic proposal. I packed my bare necessities and left the house, to move out completely two or three weeks later. When I finally moved out, you already moved in. And there were signs all over the place, that you were replacing me. Signs you couldn't ignore. She glued a sticker over my name in the family calender in the kitchen to write your name on it. I found the rest of my toiletries in a shoe box on the bathroom floor and your stuff in my shelf. You weren't at home when I moved out, but you know what? The first thing she did, when I came to gather my stuff was leaving the house to walk the dog. It was like "Take a look around, and see how I moved on." I saw a lot of new stuff, expensive things you bought her. But there was still so much of myself in the house. I paid the chairs, you sit on. I paid the carpets, you walk on. I build the sink in the kitchen from an old wardrobe door. Everything you eat is cooked on my stove. And when you eat in the dining room, you sit on the table, I have bought a month before you moved in.

Why do I tell you this? Because I think, she told you something different. She still needs you and wants you to feel save. I don't know how much lies she told you, to feel safe. But I know, that you don't know the whole truth, cause if you knew it, you won't be were you are now. You had a wife, a home and a family before all this happened to you. You will have nothing when it all ends. I wish, I could send this letter to you. I think, you don't deserve what will happen to you in one, two or three years. And you don't deserve what will happen to you now or very soon, when she starts to devalue you and to slowly undermine your self conciousness. In the end, she will have so much power over you, that you let her get away with the most severe abuse you'll ever go through in your live. She will laugh in front of you, rub her lucky new life with your replacement in your face, while you feel nearly dead, and you will say "I still love her, she's so wonderful."    

I don't have a grudge on you. I've been, where you are now. Good luck. You'll need it.

[Maternus]

rlhmm's thread about the letter to his replacment inspired me for this thread. I think it's a good idea to write down everything we ever wanted to say to our replacement and put it here, instead of sending it him or her. Here's mine:

Dear replacement,

I don't know much about you. My ex told me a little about you and I googled your name after the breakup. You were married when you started the affair with my ex. You're a father of two kids. You left your family to start a relationship with a woman, you only knew for a couple of months. I know you both met at her new job. I found a photograph of you in the internet. You look like a nice guy, a gentle family father. You definitely don't look like a womanizer - nor do I. So I can imagine, what happened to you. You were married, you were in your mid-40ies and you felt something was wrong in your life. But you didn't think of starting an affair with a younger women. But then there was she - she jumped into your boat, told you how miserable her current relationship is, maybe she asked you about your marriage and told you, that you are both in the same situation. Two lost souls with the wrong partner, and then all went very fast. Love bombing, idealisation and lot's of sex.

I don't know what happened between the both of you in the days and weeks before she broke up with me. Did you both talked about leaving your partners? Or did your wife find out about the affair?

I just can tell you how it was for me. Your new girlfriend and me had a busy time. She had a new job, I had my own business and we had a lot of stuff to do, because we moved into together after more than three years. Yes, we just moved in together. We made plans for the new house, I spent a lot of money for new furniture, carpets and so on. We didn't have much time for each other at that time, but there was no sign of a crisis in our relationship. At last all went well, she finally found a job, we found that beautiful house (the place, where you live now) and out of the clear blue sky she told me, it's over, she met someone else and she thinks, it's real love. I broke down and cried. She said to me, with a cold voice: "Please do me a favour, don't cry in front of the children. They can't handle it." There I was, some of my removal crates were still unpacked ans she told me it's over. Se did not bump me out of our new house. She said "You can stay, you can sleep in your workroom. But you have to accept that in some weeks my new lover will come over night and sleep in our bedroom." She said this, like it was the most normal thing in the world, to send your old boyfriend to his workroom and sleep with your new partner in the bedroom.

As you know, I didn't accept her sadistic proposal. I packed my bare necessities and left the house, to move out completely two or three weeks later. When I finally moved out, you already moved in. And there were signs all over the place, that you were replacing me. Signs you couldn't ignore. She glued a sticker over my name in the family calender in the kitchen to write your name on it. I found the rest of my toiletries in a shoe box on the bathroom floor and your stuff in my shelf. You weren't at home when I moved out, but you know what? The first thing she did, when I came to gather my stuff was leaving the house to walk the dog. It was like "Take a look around, and see how I moved on." I saw a lot of new stuff, expensive things you bought her. But there was still so much of myself in the house. I paid the chairs, you sit on. I paid the carpets, you walk on. I build the sink in the kitchen from an old wardrobe door. Everything you eat is cooked on my stove. And when you eat in the dining room, you sit on the table, I have bought a month before you moved in.

Why do I tell you this? Because I think, she told you something different. She still needs you and wants you to feel save. I don't know how much lies she told you, to feel safe. But I know, that you don't know the whole truth, cause if you knew it, you won't be were you are now. You had a wife, a home and a family before all this happened to you. You will have nothing when it all ends. I wish, I could send this letter to you. I think, you don't deserve what will happen to you in one, two or three years. And you don't deserve what will happen to you now or very soon, when she starts to devalue you and to slowly undermine your self conciousness. In the end, she will have so much power over you, that you let her get away with the most severe abuse you'll ever go through in your live. She will laugh in front of you, rub her lucky new life with your replacement in your face, while you feel nearly dead, and you will say "I still love her, she's so wonderful."    

I don't have a grudge on you. I've been, where you are now. Good luck. You'll need it.

[sun seeker]

Wow. Im speechless. .very well said my friend. I am so sorry you went through this. Holy crap!

I felt this way as well telling my replacement.  Im sure by now my replacements replacement is being chased. I the way I see it is if they fell for her ( like I did) then this is BPD experience is just what they need to figure out their issues.(like I did).

Thats correct i needed this BPD experience to figure out and fix my issues . Now I appreciate what dexBPDgf did FOR me... .

[Maternus]

Thats correct i needed this BPD experience to figure out and fix my issues . Now I appreciate what dexBPDgf did FOR me... .

Yes. It's a painful lesson, but once you are through, you come out as a better person.

[DDMoo2013]

Excellent, have to laugh and cry at the same time  .

I see snipets of my experience there... .for me it was that part where I helped my BPD ex gf through a dark period in their life and they just ran off with some random person... .to be fair I had somewhat detached as she was attempting to recycle after a 9mth BU, but it was the shock of catching her in her duplicity that knocked me for six... .She has contacted me again after 3mth NC but I'm not falling for that one again... .I am still hurting and these people are so heartless... .!

[clydegriffith]

I wouldn't bother because it's a revolving door with the BPDx so by the time i wrote something it would be next man up. I am very serious about this. In 3 years there's been 4 replacements, 2 of which were "fiances" and one baby. The only reason the total number of replacements isnt much higher is because of the baby but i'm sure it's only a matter of time before it starts again.

[rlhmm]

glad i was an inspiration.  hope it made you feel better! rough story... .but then again, they all are! we will get past this... .knowledge is power, and good support like we find here on this site is PRICELESS!   

[Reecer1588]

I couldn't help but nearly rip out my heart reading this. Maternus, no one deserves that. I thought that what my ex told me was sadistic, I've never heard something so sadistic in my entire life "you can stay, but the new boyfriend is coming and sleeping with me."

I understand that this is a disorder. A powerful one.

But dear God that is just evil. Nothing but pure, sadistic evil.

The fact that you are here, posting, in one piece, finding inner peace, it inspires me.

Thank you so much for posting this, Maternus.

Gott mit uns Mann, mein Bruder.

[Maternus]

There's something I still think of a lot. When I moved out I was still in "want-my-girlfriend-back"-mode. I read a lot of how to get your girlfriend back in the internet. Even for partners of nons, the first rule is "no contact", get your power back and move on. Another thing I found out was, that only 9 of 10 men who have an affair really leave their wife for the affair. Since I knew nothing about what's going on in her life in the weeks after the break up I thought that there's a good chance, that my replacement went back to his family. I was shocked when I saw, that he already moved in. And I felt that she was trying hard to provoke my anger. But I stayed calm and civil. I didn't knew about BPD at that time. But what happened on the day I moved out was so crazy, that I started to search the internet about bad break ups, sadistic behaviour in the aftermath and so on. 

My question is: Now, that I know about BPD, I think my reaction to her provocations was the best... .please forgive the nasty word... .revenge I could get. She was desperately trying to make me angry, to have a reason to hate me and to project her guilt and shame on me. She never contacted me since that day. I think she knows, that she lost her control over me. I set my first boundary on that day and it worked out - even if wasn't aware of what I was doing. Do I have this right?