Ultimatum from (possible) BPD girlfriend, end things now?

[daz_bpd]

For two years I was living overseas with the most beautiful, intoxicating girl - when times were good, it was the best memories of my life. Slowly however, my career and finances crumbled as I tried to meet the needs of my controlling, demanding and needy girlfriend. I was supporting both of us, while helping her get through law school. It seemed nothing I did was ever good enough, and I felt greatly unappreciated. I became miserable and felt emotionally, and physically drained. When things hit rock-bottom I moved away and tried to rebuild my life. I made a promise to her to sell my house and return to her. For one full year I continued to send her money and felt guilty as I promised to sell my house and return to her but never committed. She remained faithful to me but hated me for keeping her.

My family and friends warned me against going back to her and I had doubts of my own. She maintained that her subsequent bad behaviour and continued poor financial management was due to my betrayal of not returning to her and she has been terribly stressed out and in a lot of pain.

While I understand that things are hard for her, I feel like none of my needs have been met and my emotions and turmoil have been completely disregarded. I moved back there twice to be with her. Yet it feels like I must constantly prove my love for her. Her main dream has been to pass the bar, and yet when i am there, it has been my fault that she has subsequently failed 3 times. Each time she fails, it means more money for tuition, courses to allow her to write again and she also demands more gifts for her and friends, daughter. She was very spoilt growing up and then her parents cut her off.

To be with her now, she wants me to sell my house and return to her so that she can 'make me the happiest man'. When she is happy and we together its magical, but I am very concerned that it won't last. That she hasn't learnt her lesson about being more mature regarding finances. I can set limitations to her credit card / phone / etc but then Im treating her like a child instead of a 30-year-old woman. I want a mature, loving relationship. I dread that the endless demands will return and that she will make more mistakes that jeopardise our future. If she wants a family it means, thinking long term NOT instant gratification whenever she has a bad day and needs a handbag to make her feel better.

She promises she will make things better and try harder, should I fulfil my promise to her. Ive been sceptical and asked instead that we meet each other half-way and both give our gifts to each other, without resentment and anger.

She keeps insisting I don't really love her because 'love is unconditional' then i ask why she is imposing all these conditions on me? I get told "i argue poorly, why do i turn everything back against her". I dont intend to criticise her, I only want to ensure that the mistakes made wont happen in the future and that things will be better for both of us.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

While I understand that things are hard for her, I feel like none of my needs have been met and my emotions and turmoil have been completely disregarded. I moved back there twice to be with her. Yet it feels like I must constantly prove my love for her. Her main dream has been to pass the bar, and yet when i am there, it has been my fault that she has subsequently failed 3 times. Each time she fails, it means more money for tuition, courses to allow her to write again and she also demands more gifts for her and friends, daughter. She was very spoilt growing up and then her parents cut her off.

First, let me tell you that whether your gf is BPD or not, you've come to a safe place to vent your frustrations and find some piece of mind. 

Second... .regarding your statement which I've quoted... .She is playing the blame game and you don't have to be the target.  It would be interesting to know why her parents cut her off.  Perhaps you can take a look at that and it may help you sort through some of the garbage. 

Most of all... .take care of yourself and trust your instincts.

[Aurylian]

Daz,

Welcome to the forum.  Glad you are here.

In the Lessons section there are a lot of good skills that can be learned to help make things better and prevent us from making things worse.

I would strongly advice not doing anything like selling your house or considering adding children to the mix until you have had a chance to learn more about BPD and learn the tools well enough that you can see what would really be possible in the relationship.

Have you had a chance to look at the Lessons?

[JeanSchimmel]

Do you believe love is unconditional? The impression I got from your post was, there are conditions that over ride how entangled you want to be with this person. It's perfectly o.k. to have that perspective and set limits on what you want and need. A mature relationship needs to be built on solid ground of mutual respect and values, it can't be all passion... .passion is fun but not always sustainable for long periods.

[daz_bpd]

@Rockylove - from what I know it seems her parents were tired of her over-spending while letting them down. I am taking care of myself by not engaging in alchohol, drugs, porn anything that can lead me astray. Im concerned that I CANT trust my own instincts because of my emotions and emotional attachments.

I wish I could know for sure she had BPD or Narcissistic - she does engage in gaslighting or ambient abuse. But whether its an actual disorder or rampant bad behaviour that resembles those traits in both BPD and Narcissism Im not sure. I try not to set negative frames, or become fearful since you attract what you fear. Im trying to remain open, and optimistic and compassionate. She is in a lot of pain, the issues arise that she feels INTENSE emotions for trivial matters and routinely becomes silent, angry or hates me for ANY matter she doesn't agree with.

Now, I know that i should address her emotions and not try be logical with her, that men and woman communicate differently, so i try my best to be open and listen BUT some matters REQUIRE discussion and resolution. The finances and financial trouble on her side is a sticking point. Ive tried everything to get her to stop over-spending (she has accrued a phone bill exceeding twice her monthly salary before). She has bought a handbag worth twice her monthly salary hoping I would pay for everything else. And then brings me down for not making more money or blaming my career downturn when it requires cashflow (that went to her). Then if I say 'No' she starts crying or being emotionally abusive.

@Aurylian - thank you for your response, i've been going through the articles in between work and exercise. I am familiar with some of the material already from other sources, my issue has been applying what I am learning and also dealing with the attachment / emotions. She keeps promising she will behave better once I do as she asks.

@JeanSchimmel -  thank you for your response. I agree with you. Although I was brought up from the movies and fairy tales that love is unconditional, my gf uses the 'love is unconditional' catch-phrase to mean "let me get away with everything and not criticise my bad behaviour". I understand and value honesty, care and support in a relationship. I want each other to give their gifts and help each other grow. Who else but your loved ones, step in to keep you out of danger when you harming yourself, or don't seem to have your own best interest at heart?

Its selfish of me to keep her if I am not going back to her. I do miss her and miss the intimacy. I also DO NOT want things to turn to ___ again. I've broken up with her twice before and then she reaches out to me. She has broken up with me dozens of times but then doesn't mean it or comes back.

[JeanSchimmel]

"Its selfish of me to keep her if I am not going back to her. I do miss her and miss the intimacy."

I can understand missing someone you care about. You just stated your not going back to her. Personally I think it's better to treat someone as you would want to be treated and not lower your standards even if it means you'll be sad or hurt.

[formflier]

I wish I could know for sure she had BPD or Narcissistic - 

What is your thinking on this?  How would it matter if she had a diagnosis or not.

The general recommendation around here is to let the professionals worry about the diagnosis... .and we worry about the "traits".

A trait is what we see and observe... .the tools we have here help people deal with traits... .not a diagnosis.

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

FF

[daz_bpd]

@jeanschimmel. when I do break-up with her and go no contact. She goes back to the 'Clinger Phase' with a bit of 'Vulnerable Seducer' sprinkled in. She also tries to bring on as much guilt as possible in me. And reminds me how much I am hurting her and have hurt her and all the pain and stress Ive caused.

Her: Its so sad to think we wasted everything

Her: I wish things were different.

Me: This wasn't a waste. It was an experience and an opportunity to grow and learn. I am very grateful for the wonderful memories

@formflier. I will focus on the traits / behaviours, thank you.

[formflier]

Her: Its so sad to think we wasted everything

Her: I wish things were different.

Me: This wasn't a waste. It was an experience and an opportunity to grow and learn. I am very grateful for the wonderful memories

daz_BPD

Please spend some time with the two lessons below.  After that... .please take a look at your exchange above.  Looking for some analysis from you of if you validated or invalidated her with your response.  Don't worry if it takes you a couple times to read it to "get it". 



How we invalidate our partners



Validation lesson


FF

[daz_bpd]

Invalidating her, so I tried again to really listen to her and her feelings and ask her how it made her feel and this is what she said (a list of everything I did wrong in the relationship):

- Nagging b___ "acting like a man b___" "acting like a little girl" (wrong of me, I don't find an adequate way of addressing her issues, I was displaying co-dependent traits during her 'nice' phase)

- Always about money (value systems different, I value hard work, value of money, energy+time=money, she was cut off from her parents after being spoilt, she didn't contribute anything to the relationship for 3 years as she couldnt afford to or her salary withheld due to absenteeism)

- Things I give to her, resent afterwards and remind her (wrong of me, co-dependent trait)

- Weak and indecisive, don't know what to do (not being a man, having difficult decisions where values seem conflicting eg "choosing her over my parents" (to be clear, I am completely independent, my parents get stressed out and deeply concerned when i mention i will go back to her. They want to see me happy and successful. they very concerned this girl will take all my money and leave me with nothing)

- Values inconsistent "can't be a man for me" "me over your mother" (wrong? choosing family over her?) (she wants me to choose her over everybody else. I do put her needs first before mine and everybody else's, she still feels 'I will choose my family over her'. my family and friends think its a toxic relationship.)

- Don’t get it. Don't get her. (She made it clear she is THIS way, and I must accept it, which I agree. I accept her just NOT her bad behaviour)

- Not my friend "against me when it matters [all the time]" "acting on something to my advantage" (because I can't) (its imperative to her that whenever she wants or needs something I must drop everything and fix things or solve the problem regardless of long-term consequences, or whether its my responsibility or not)

- Don’t make things happen - "if I'm on my death bed it’s you the last person I call" (nonsense, Ive bailed her out so many times from situations where no one else was there to help, yet her next of kin is still her ex)

- Can't count on me

- "Betrayed me far too many times, say bad things" (i made a promise to her to return to her if her behaviour improves, which it only got worse. she told me it would only get better if i went back to her)

- Not 'reading between the lines' Hating she has to explain things to me instead of me just getting it. (i tell her repeatedly that how she talks to me isn't working for me and our relationship. While she makes it out that im an idiot, to my friends, family and everyone else I meet i am only praised and acknowledged for being smart and understanding)

- Changing mood, putting down the phone, acting crazy, repeating myself (i have on separate occasions had enough of the anger, or crying or tantrums or hate-speech and everything else that she projects onto me. of course my behaviour is wrong, and im trying my best to maintain my emotional centre, its really tough sometimes)

- "Never act against me" "when you always listen to me it is sexy" (i think its dangerous to deal with absolutes, its like she wants a 'man' puppet. she has told me before repeatedly i am just meant to do as she says)

- Criticism "know nothing about but say something about it" its why she doesn't confide in me, "break the glass"

- Mocking her

Situational, she needed me and was trapped in the relationship as she needed the money. It was never my intention to indirectly 'control her' by being the source of her income. She did try many times to go back to her ex, family, friends and borrow money from them. I then paid those friends, her ex the money she borrowed. she also pawned the gifts I gave her.  

My bad behaviour is not justifiable and those are things I must work on.

I did my best to listen and didn't retaliate nor invalidate.

[formflier]

 

There is a lot there.

How did you feel after listening to all of that?

What did you think of the lessons I sent you?  What things did you learn that you didn't know or understand before.

What does validating mean to you... .a couple sentences in your own words... .

Hang in there       we'll you pointed in the right direction

FF