I'm trying to learn from my reactions, so tired of the chaos

[Depression = 72% of members]

Ok, so exNPD/BPDh is on some sort-of superdad high.  My therapist told me a few years ago that he would go in cycles.  I'm trying to enjoy the fact that he's (sort-of) taking over some things that I always did, and use the time for me. 

So, there's been lots of chaos with ex and the kids' schedule.  I've stayed calm, it bugs me but I realize it's part of my life right now.  I didn't react when some things happened this week, I'm taking my time to think about what will work for me (e.g. no last minute changes when I've arranged for a babysitter to pick up the kids, because I can't re-arrange things when I'm at work and he decides to pick them up and won't call the babysitter to cancel).  D6 a few weeks ago drew a very disturbing picture about a girl lifting her skirt and saying noo, and told a weird "riddle" about naked people tied up.  I gave it to her school counselor and her therapist and am staying calm and trying to believe that either it's bad and she won't be with her dad much longer, or it's not what it appears to be, and whatever it is, her therapist will help her cope.  Maybe I should be reacting more strongly, but I'm afraid I'll be accused of being crazy and trying to falsely accuse him of abusing her.  In my heart I don't want to believe he is, I think he has really poor boundaries and she sees things or overhears things she shouldn't.  MC told me two years ago he doesn't think ex's boundaries are so bad that he would abuse her.  I feel very trapped in this situation and don't know what to do, I haven't posted about it yet because I feel like I'm making false accusations or will come off looking crazy, vindictive, and vengeful.

So that's what I'm dealing with currently.  Plus they upped my hours at work (yay!) and I took on extra gigs this month so I'm performing about 20 evenings/days this month.  I'm loving it but I know I'm tired (I'm paid well for these gigs, that's why I took them).

So tonight I think I lost it and I think I did ok, but I hate the emotional intensity and how I'm shaking.  I got home from my gig at almost midnight and read emails that ex has given permission for another kid's dad (who serial cheated on his ex wife, watches excessive amounts of pornography, has been diagnosed as N and  with arrested development according to his ex wife, who we're acquaintances with; she has majority custody) to drive S11 to and from an overnight school trip  rather than on the school bus and stay in the hotel with the chaperones and kids.  Ex has buddied up to this guy.  Further, there were emails in the thread from the school to this other dad saying they prefer that the dad only take his own son.

So my exNPD/BPDh emails this other dad and says, yes, S11 can go with you. 

Technically it's on the kids' time with ex, but I think because it's a school event I have a say in it.

I was livid, scared, frustrated.  I emailed the school personnel involved, teacher on the trip, dean of students, therapist, cc'd ex and said I do not give my permission.  I do believe the school will support my preference since they've already stated that they don't want to deal with the hazards of kids going with different people, etc.  So I'm not exactly scared about S11 actually going with this other guy and his son, but nothing's for certain. 

What really gets me is my reaction.  I sent the emails when I was  very upset, which I'm careful to not do.  They aren't impolite, but they are very firm, brief, and matter of fact that I do not give my permission for this man to drive S11, and that I know the school will do what they can to support S11 participating fully in the trip and riding on the school's transportation.  And that if he rides with this man, I don't give my permission for S11 to participate in the trip (btw I just signed and turned in the permission form this week).  I wonder if I overreacted.  I'm shaking, I started crying, I feel so frustrated.  Maybe it's the straw that broke the camel's back.  Exh stood in court last summer and said how great we are at co-parenting, but he doesn't.  He treats me like garbage and I'm really getting sick of it.  I can't change how he treats me, and I am getting so much better at not getting sucked into his stuff.  This feels like the old days when he had control over me and I would feel so frustrated.  Do these feelings lessen over time?  I can seriously appreciate my feelings.  I don't judge myself for having this reaction, I'm just surprised by it and feel really sad.  I wish I could have recognized I was mad, shrugged it off as yes, you're mad, he's a jerk, let it pass through you, and respond tomorrow.  But I didn't this time.  Why not?

Has anyone else had this type of reaction?  What have you done to help yourself get through one of these reactions?  What do you do so that the next time you can see it before it starts, or as it starts, and help yourself through it? 

[Ulysses]

Ok, so exNPD/BPDh is on some sort-of superdad high.  My therapist told me a few years ago that he would go in cycles.  I'm trying to enjoy the fact that he's (sort-of) taking over some things that I always did, and use the time for me. 

So, there's been lots of chaos with ex and the kids' schedule.  I've stayed calm, it bugs me but I realize it's part of my life right now.  I didn't react when some things happened this week, I'm taking my time to think about what will work for me (e.g. no last minute changes when I've arranged for a babysitter to pick up the kids, because I can't re-arrange things when I'm at work and he decides to pick them up and won't call the babysitter to cancel).  D6 a few weeks ago drew a very disturbing picture about a girl lifting her skirt and saying noo, and told a weird "riddle" about naked people tied up.  I gave it to her school counselor and her therapist and am staying calm and trying to believe that either it's bad and she won't be with her dad much longer, or it's not what it appears to be, and whatever it is, her therapist will help her cope.  Maybe I should be reacting more strongly, but I'm afraid I'll be accused of being crazy and trying to falsely accuse him of abusing her.  In my heart I don't want to believe he is, I think he has really poor boundaries and she sees things or overhears things she shouldn't.  MC told me two years ago he doesn't think ex's boundaries are so bad that he would abuse her.  I feel very trapped in this situation and don't know what to do, I haven't posted about it yet because I feel like I'm making false accusations or will come off looking crazy, vindictive, and vengeful.

So that's what I'm dealing with currently.  Plus they upped my hours at work (yay!) and I took on extra gigs this month so I'm performing about 20 evenings/days this month.  I'm loving it but I know I'm tired (I'm paid well for these gigs, that's why I took them).

So tonight I think I lost it and I think I did ok, but I hate the emotional intensity and how I'm shaking.  I got home from my gig at almost midnight and read emails that ex has given permission for another kid's dad (who serial cheated on his ex wife, watches excessive amounts of pornography, has been diagnosed as N and  with arrested development according to his ex wife, who we're acquaintances with; she has majority custody) to drive S11 to and from an overnight school trip  rather than on the school bus and stay in the hotel with the chaperones and kids.  Ex has buddied up to this guy.  Further, there were emails in the thread from the school to this other dad saying they prefer that the dad only take his own son.

So my exNPD/BPDh emails this other dad and says, yes, S11 can go with you. 

Technically it's on the kids' time with ex, but I think because it's a school event I have a say in it.

I was livid, scared, frustrated.  I emailed the school personnel involved, teacher on the trip, dean of students, therapist, cc'd ex and said I do not give my permission.  I do believe the school will support my preference since they've already stated that they don't want to deal with the hazards of kids going with different people, etc.  So I'm not exactly scared about S11 actually going with this other guy and his son, but nothing's for certain. 

What really gets me is my reaction.  I sent the emails when I was  very upset, which I'm careful to not do.  They aren't impolite, but they are very firm, brief, and matter of fact that I do not give my permission for this man to drive S11, and that I know the school will do what they can to support S11 participating fully in the trip and riding on the school's transportation.  And that if he rides with this man, I don't give my permission for S11 to participate in the trip (btw I just signed and turned in the permission form this week).  I wonder if I overreacted.  I'm shaking, I started crying, I feel so frustrated.  Maybe it's the straw that broke the camel's back.  Exh stood in court last summer and said how great we are at co-parenting, but he doesn't.  He treats me like garbage and I'm really getting sick of it.  I can't change how he treats me, and I am getting so much better at not getting sucked into his stuff.  This feels like the old days when he had control over me and I would feel so frustrated.  Do these feelings lessen over time?  I can seriously appreciate my feelings.  I don't judge myself for having this reaction, I'm just surprised by it and feel really sad.  I wish I could have recognized I was mad, shrugged it off as yes, you're mad, he's a jerk, let it pass through you, and respond tomorrow.  But I didn't this time.  Why not?

Has anyone else had this type of reaction?  What have you done to help yourself get through one of these reactions?  What do you do so that the next time you can see it before it starts, or as it starts, and help yourself through it? 

[Grey Kitty]

  that sounds really stressful.

First, concerns that your kids are being sexually abused/molested/exposed to inappropriate things are very real.

What D6 is doing sounds like a HUGE WARNING that SOMETHING IS WRONG, and she needs help, and some serious investigation. I wouldn't put much stake in the idea that it is a random coincidence / nothing.

I will only caution you about one thing--don't make assumptions about WHAT is wrong. Her dad could be the cause. Or somebody else could. Perhaps somebody who associates with her dad. Perhaps somebody at school or daycare, or somewhere else.

I'm going to assume that while your exNPD/BPDh treats you badly/abusively, he has no history of sexual attraction to children that you are aware of... .if he has a history like that, with these clues, in your shoes, I'd be trying to decide whether to go to a lawyer to get a restraining/protective order first, or to go to the police first.

It sure sounds like your exH has bad judgement about what sort of people he picks to hang with... .as evidenced by the stuff around S13 and the trip.


... .Honestly... .if your exH is being a jerk to you, you could probably just let it go without being triggered like that... .OTOH if he is putting your children at risk of sexual abuse... .it *IS* that big a deal, and you shouldn't be letting anything slide. And if you fiercely protective and emotional about this... .that is OK!

[livednlearned]

This:

there's been lots of chaos with ex and the kids' schedule.

and this:

they upped my hours at work (yay!) and I took on extra gigs this month so I'm performing about 20 evenings/days this month.

 

Can create stealth stress, it creeps up on you. Even the change that is good, like the increased hours. I can sometimes go in two directions. Like stuffing my feelings, or becoming vigilant.

However this:

D6 a few weeks ago drew a very disturbing picture about a girl lifting her skirt and saying noo, and told a weird "riddle" about naked people tied up.

and this:

ex has given permission for another kid's dad (who serial cheated on his ex wife, watches excessive amounts of pornography, has been diagnosed as N and  with arrested development according to his ex wife, who we're acquaintances with; she has majority custody) to drive S11 to and from an overnight school trip  rather than on the school bus and stay in the hotel with the chaperones and kids.

... .is a different kind of stress. If you were not in a high-conflict divorce/custody situation, would you respond more fiercely? If yes, but you make the choice to not respond, I can see why you respond like this:

I wonder if I overreacted.  I'm shaking, I started crying, I feel so frustrated... .He treats me like garbage and I'm really getting sick of it.  I can't change how he treats me, and I am getting so much better at not getting sucked into his stuff.  This feels like the old days when he had control over me and I would feel so frustrated.  :)o these feelings lessen over time?  I can seriously appreciate my feelings.  I don't judge myself for having this reaction, I'm just surprised by it and feel really sad.  I wish I could have recognized I was mad, shrugged it off as yes, you're mad, he's a jerk, let it pass through you, and respond tomorrow.  But I didn't this time.  Why not?

... .you second-guess what is a pretty normal reaction (alarm). This is mama bear stuff.

It seems like your feelings of stress are getting swirled together into one lump of feeling, even though they require different kinds of responses. Often, if we grew up in invalidating environments, it can be hard to know which feelings are "right" and which ones are "wrong." Does it feel like this is happening for you?

You felt ok about "mama bear" responses to this man driving your D6. That one was manageable because you felt you had some authority here, and the outcome would go well for you. But in terms of the pictures D6 drew, that is a fear most parents find horrifying. Could you be tempering these feelings because court makes you feel trapped and helpless? And so some of the force of those feelings are coming out sideways, making you shake when you respond?

My T told me that when I started to get in touch with my feelings, there would be this raw period where I would feel out of control. That's exactly what happened. Fortunately, I have a wonderful boss and good co-workers -- they cut me some slack. It's like my feelings had no brakes, just training wheels, and that was a bit unnerving. I felt out of control and had a really hard time with anger, an emotion I was not allowed to have as a kid.

Are you trying to keep your feelings contained because it's too scary to imagine how you might respond if you let them out?

[Ulysses]

What D6 is doing sounds like a HUGE WARNING that SOMETHING IS WRONG, and she needs help, and some serious investigation. I wouldn't put much stake in the idea that it is a random coincidence / nothing.

Yes, I think so too.  At least she trusts me enough to reach out to me.  Her school counselor and her therapist are aware of it.  What more can I do at this point?  I don't know.  I'm trying to take deep breaths.  When she drew the picture I cried myself to sleep and only slept about 4 hours 2 nights in a row.  There's so much coming at once.  My kids just got home from a four day weekend with their dad and they didn't do any homework.  And S11 lied to me about it and lied to his teacher when he saw him last week and said he'd do  his homework.  And knew about the camping request last Monday but didn't tell me because he knew I'd say no.  Sometimes I feel like giving up, saying goodbye to my kids, and living on my own.  But I know that's stress and frustration talking and maybe even that's what exNPD/BPD wants me to feel.  Yes, I'm going to think about that.  My therapist and MC have talked to me about projective identification and him trying to get me to act out his feelings.

It seems like your feelings of stress are getting swirled together into one lump of feeling, even though they require different kinds of responses. Often, if we grew up in invalidating environments, it can be hard to know which feelings are "right" and which ones are "wrong." Does it feel like this is happening for you?

Yes, maybe, I don't know (!).  Do you mean, for instance, that I have this gnawing fear, rage, disgust, that someone could be hurting my daughter, and I can't stop it, so those emotions are coming out in other ways?  This is something to think about.

Different types of responses.  I'm going to keep that in mind.  I think it's right, and I think I'm trying to do that.

I grew up in a house where a lot of anger was expressed.  It was ok to express anger.  I think, though, that it was too much.  Like sometimes nothing but anger.  I think my parents had the right idea that you don't repress your anger, but then never went the next step to talking about how our feelings move through us and we don't have to react when we feel that anger.  I'm trying to remember that not reacting doesn't mean you're repressing the feelings, it just means you're not acting on them/reacting.  That's what I feel like I need to learn more to do.  Recognize the anger or whatever the feeling is, and not act on it, and in that inaction, not be afraid that I'm invalidating myself or not acknowledging that I'm angry.  I also think my mom especially ruminates and dwells on cr*ppy people and likes to discuss and find a reason why someone is the way they are or does what they do.  I've gotten to the point where I hardly talk to her about my kids' dad because I want to move on, I want to focus on me, and not dwell on his antics, anger, etc.  He has a disorder, it's frustrating, some days will be extra bad, move on now.  Invalidating feelings?  Yes, absolutely that went on in my family.  I'm still trying to figure it all out and how it was done.  My exNPD/BPDh's family was the type that never expressed anger directly.  They look down on people who show emotion.  But they carry their own anger and often it comes out in underhanded, backstabbing ways.  My ex invalidated my feelings for 24 years.  I lived with him longer than I lived with my parents.  I had to learn after his affair that what I felt was a pretty normal reaction.  When ex was upset because I wasn't "letting go" of the affair quickly enough, nor forgiving him soon enough, I asked my MC what I could do differently he said, "Nothing.  Keep doing what you're doing."  I think the ex would create crisis situations and then when I would react he would invalidate my reaction (by telling me I was overreacting) or try to make me feel helpless by swooping in to save the day.  Ick.

Could you be tempering these feelings because court makes you feel trapped and helpless? And so some of the force of those feelings are coming out sideways, making you shake when you respond?  My T told me that when I started to get in touch with my feelings, there would be this raw period where I would feel out of control. That's exactly what happened. ... Are you trying to keep your feelings contained because it's too scary to imagine how you might respond if you let them out?

The whole thing with the awful picture my daughter drew makes me feel trapped.  I'm not sure it's because of court.  Ex has a stellar reputation professionally, as a moral, upstanding family man.  He screamed at me a few times in MC that I was accusing him of abusing our daughter, when I expressed discomfort and anger that he would sleep on the couch with her or bathe her while carrying on his affair online and/or viewing pornography.  I'm afraid (fear!) of being painted as the crazy ex-wife who is looking to smear his name and take the children away.  I'm afraid of what people will think of me, I guess.  It might be someone else hurting her, and her counselor is exploring that I think.  I think the shaking was the feeling of helplessness and frustration and anger.  I thought I already went through a period of raw feelings but maybe I'm just heading into it.  Yikes.  I felt out of control today, but I could recognize it and talk myself through it (well, you know, not talk to myself, but feel it and know it was ok that it was there, and then buy some 70% cacao chocolate bar for this week, and take a deep breath).  The other thing is that I CAN'T express these feelings to exH.  It not only doesn't do any good, it might make him do it more because he knows it bothers me.  So I stay calm and business-like in my interactions with him, so maybe that's also getting to me. 

I will be sure to think about the feelings that are coming to the surface both from issues in my childhood and issues from living with a H who invalidated me for over 2 decades, and through his actions still does invalidate me and my values.

Thanks for your thoughts on this.  The feelings are immense and while I'm not afraid of feelings, I just thought at this point they wouldn't be so intense, or, at least, that I could choose to respond, not react.  But I definitely reacted and I'm trying not to beat myself up over that.  BTW S11's principal emailed me at 5:30 the next morning and said S11 will be on the bus and doesn't have the school's permission to do otherwise.  He also apologized for causing extra stress in my life.  ExH sent emails, apologized to the school for my emails (intimating that I shouldn't have sent them - invalidating my reaction) and told them the two of us would work it out, and he was in charge since it's his residential time.  Our parenting plan says it's an activity we decide jointly, so exH gave up.  On their end, the school did not back down, and continued to say S11 had to go on the bus, so I'm very relieved about that.  ExH then sent me an email that he wished I would have contacted him first, and that, "It will all work out."   

I still wonder if/when I will feel better.  Maybe this is the point where moving forward it will get worse before it gets better, or I can return from whence I came, but I think it will be better in the long run if I keep moving forward.