How is your bio kid since the split?

[Sunfl0wer]

I'm trying to focus on our future, the next chapter.  (As he is packing this weekend)

My S19 usually has difficulty with change. (Has a disability, often has maturity of 12 y/o... .but other times maturity of a 70 y/o). I had been a single mom his whole life up until we all 4 (bf and his D) merged lives 4 yrs ago. 

_{(The pple who still have custody issues, I know have a different set of issues special to them, I'm glad I don't have custody issues to tend with!)}.

It makes me rather sad to hear him tell me, "What took you so long?"  Sad because I am realizing how the past 5 years has affected him in a negative way.  He just sort of put up with it.  He complained to me how uBPDxbf is always SO angry.  I said, but he acts pleasant usually, why do you say he is always angry? He explained that he can "feel" his anger.  He can see the inconsistency of his behavior, actions, and feelings and it bothers him and causes him anguish on some animalistic level and he retreats to his room.  He is right, I know what he means, I was just trying to understand his experience.

I'm curious because on the leaving board, we all talk about rediscovering who we are after a break up.  We all get to redefine who we are.

Is this the case for my son now too?

Has his personality and behavior in our home been molded to this environment as well?  Sounds stupid to ask, of course it must, as he will now experience a new home dynamic again.

I just thought you guys could share your stories with me of how this process of leaving has unfolded for your bio kids that live with you.

Did your child adjust well to the separation? 

Did he/she miss your SO? 

Did he/she surprise you and really seem to come out of their shell? 

Or whatever else you noticed that you want to share please!

[Pingo]

Hi Sunflower, I have a S10 and a D21 who are from previous r/ss... .the D21 has been out of the house for most of our 4 yr r/s so she wasn't really affected by him too much but my S10 has been. It's been hard. He has been sad, grieving along side me. He's extremely sensitive so although I tried to hide a lot of what I was going through, he could sense my anxiety and unhappiness.  My son has ended up with his own anxiety problems and I imagine a lot of it has been from the vibes of the house for the last 4 yrs, watching me walk on eggshells.  My uBPDexh was pretty neutral with him. He didn't make a big effort to bond with him so I think that has helped in his letting go of the r/s. Since our split, he hasn't talked too much about it. I really have to dig to get him to talk about it. He is sometimes sad, says he misses him. I'm hoping with my anxiety lessened and my life in my own control again, he will start to feel more secure in our home. Luckily for him, he has a good r/s with his father and spends half his time there so he gets away from all the grief. It's an ongoing process.  Because of the volatile way I ended my marriage and the fact I cannot trust my ex whatsoever, they can't have any kind of contact. It's like he died from my son's perspective. He didn't even get to say goodbye. I worry about how this will affect him growing up. I deal with a lot of regrets.

[Sunfl0wer]

He didn't make a big effort to bond with him so I think that has helped in his letting go of the r/s.

Same with my ex.  This always bothered me.  Not only did he not bond, but he purposely painted him black in the beginning and even was trying to get me to paint my S black. 

Because of the volatile way I ended my marriage and the fact I cannot trust my ex whatsoever, they can't have any kind of contact. It's like he died from my son's perspective. He didn't even get to say goodbye. I worry about how this will affect him growing up. I deal with a lot of regrets.

Sorry Pingo that things ended in such a terrible manner for you.  At least for me, we all knew that we were breaking up for months until he left.  I can see how having your ex just leave with no room for transitioning out or even a goodbye would be especially difficult in trying to process emotions about the loss, for both your son and you.

It sounds though, that just as your son is sensitive and in tune to your feelings, that you are also in tune to his feelings and his needs very well.  They say that just one validating "good enough" parent is all that is needed as kids are quite resilient.  It sounds like your son has good support with you, and that will make a big difference. 

[Pingo]

He didn't make a big effort to bond with him so I think that has helped in his letting go of the r/s.

Same with my ex.  This always bothered me.  Not only did he not bond, but he purposely painted him black in the beginning and even was trying to get me to paint my S black. 

Mine tried to paint my D21 black.  He seemed to be jealous of her and he would be quite contemptuous towards her, I think because he couldn't control her. She was a threat to him for whatever reason. The last big fight we had was about her. I was letting her stay with us for a few days as she was getting her ___ straightened out (she had been living with a roommate who had turned on her) and my ex was freaking out over this. He didn't want her there, he didn't want her staying in the house alone while we were at work and he told me there was no way she was moving back home... .I told him she is my daughter and he will not tell me what I do with my daughter! I really stood up to him which created a huge to-do and it was the first time he laid his hands on me, trying to toss me out of the bed... .this was the end for me.

Because my son was so young and was pretty easy to get along with, he never really butted heads with him. He mostly just ignored him. Looking back, I can see how he tried to drive a wedge between me and my son... .he was quite manipulative and I think he would have gladly watched me give my son's father full custody... .thank God I never allowed him to lead me down that path!

It sounds though, that just as your son is sensitive and in tune to your feelings, that you are also in tune to his feelings and his needs very well.  They say that just one validating "good enough" parent is all that is needed as kids are quite resilient.  It sounds like your son has good support with you, and that will make a big difference. 

God I hope so! Thanks for saying that, he doesn't get much validation with his Dad!

I hope with a more relaxed atmosphere, not having to live around someone who is always angry and seeing his mom recover, your son will flourish with this new found freedom... .it really is freedom. This I am so thankful for now! 

[going places]

I'm curious because on the leaving board, we all talk about rediscovering who we are after a break up.  We all get to redefine who we are.

Is this the case for my son now too?

Yes.

I would HIGHLY recommend an advocate for both of you to talk too.

Google "abuse advocate" then your city and state.

They are free.

They will help you two undo what you have been thru, and help you move forward in a more positive and healthy manner

They were a God-send to me.

Has his personality and behavior in our home been molded to this environment as well?  Sounds stupid to ask, of course it must, as he will now experience a new home dynamic again.

This is just my personal experience.

My ex's 'role modeling' (or gross lack there of) has effected our 3 adult children.

The way ex treated me sometimes is repeated by 1 or 2 of my kids.

I have to be careful how to address this w/ them as the do NOT want to be "compared" to him... .

BUT their behavior is the same... .so it's careful wording. Good timing. NEVER when my feelings are hurt or I am ticked off.

It will take a LOT of talking, and doing things differently to undo what has been done.

But it can be undone. And redone, the right way.

It just takes time and patience.

I just thought you guys could share your stories with me of how this process of leaving has unfolded for your bio kids that live with you.

Did your child adjust well to the separation?

All 3 of my kids were sick of the recycles and misery (from 2011-2014)

They were ready for it to be over.

Did he/she miss your SO?

No.

The youngest will not speak to him.

The oldest is 'short and sweet' via text (because he father is too... .to call, he's a texter)

The boy is "Switzerland". He has lunch w his dad, and texts with him, BUT my son is VERY careful what he says. He knows what he is dealing with.

Did he/she surprise you and really seem to come out of their shell?

My oldest, who has always been very meek and quite, is not allowing people to walk on her anymore.

This is a blessing.

They other two are wired a lot like me... .very outgoing.

Or whatever else you noticed that you want to share please!

It took a few months for them to quit being angry.

Once we sold the house and moved out, progress has been leaps and bounds.

They are not sad anymore, or carry a sense of dread or anxiousness.

It has been such a blessing for us.

My greatest regret is that when he asked me for a divorce in 2011 (when I busted him having an affair) I didn't say "here it is, go".

I begged him back, trying to do "the right thing" for my family and it was SO the wrong thing.

I wasted 3 years of our lives.

They have totally forgiven me, and totally understood what I was trying to do... .

They do not hold it against me, but told me NEVER EVER go back. Ever.

[clydegriffith]

The BPDx and I broke up before my daughter was a year old. She's 4 now and doesn't really have a sense of what home is and why all her siblings have different daddies or why she can only see me via Facetime when she's with her grandmother. I too would like to hear some stories as to what i can expect in the future as this all happened when my daughter was very young and would like to know what i can expect. In the 3 years post b/u the mom has been living the textbook BPD life of instability and reckless impuslive decisions.

[Sunfl0wer]

I hope with a more relaxed atmosphere, not having to live around someone who is always angry and seeing his mom recover, your son will flourish with this new found freedom... .it really is freedom. This I am so thankful for now! 

I hope so.  My son was happy to look for apartments with me, his suggestion.  I think he is feeling positive about moving on

For me, depression just started setting in.  :/ eh!  Time to add some daily exercise to my routine.  I think the way I cope/don't cope, will speak volumes to my son, so I'll be mindful of that.

[Sunfl0wer]

Google "abuse advocate" then your city and state.

Going places, it is possible that your r/s was much more devastating than what I experienced.  My ex was emotionally abusive and sometimes verbally abusive: he was PA, silent treatment, raged at times, belittled me at times, undermined me in front of the kids.  However, for me, I do not feel as though I am recovering mostly from the affects of abuse.  I feel like I am recovering from having lived WOE.  Idk if I am communicating this well, but it feels a bit different than a very abusive dynamic.  Abuse was not that pervasive, more episodic, there was more covert unintentional manipulation.

I guess my son and I have quieted our usual personalities to adjust.  Not that we are in a state of fright, but more subdued due to his presence.

My ex's 'role modeling' (or gross lack there of) has effected our 3 adult children.

The way ex treated me sometimes is repeated by 1 or 2 of my kids.

I have to be careful how to address this w/ them as the do NOT want to be "compared" to him... .

BUT their behavior is the same... .so it's careful wording. Good timing. NEVER when my feelings are hurt or I am ticked off.

It will take a LOT of talking, and doing things differently to undo what has been done.

But it can be undone. And redone, the right way.

It just takes time

Thank you for this.  I am thinking about how MY role model has been.  I feel guilty for neglecting my role as mom to him, my role as a female with friends and interests.  I think I can do well to refocus on being a good role model.

He is a smart kid and didn't really approve of ex's role modeling.  He immediately would sort out his inappropriate behavior, before myself.   However, changing who I accept, and how I allow myself to be treated is clear, and needs to clearly be changed.

All 3 of my kids were sick of the recycles and misery (from 2011-2014)

They were ready for it to be over.

That's pretty sad.  I'm sure my S feels this way too.

Your children are much younger than mine is.  I can see how that makes them more vulnerable.  This sounds so much more confusing.  So much easier for the kids to be drawn into emotionally.

  I think I am fortunate that when my ex met my S he was already 15.  At 15, he already had some independent values established, therefore was not in such a great process of understanding people and the world, as much as say, a 6 year old.  He also was very aware of the slow changes that the relationship went through, how it appeared to be good, then changed.(  He also never really connected with ex. )This all made sense to him.  Even though I didn't see it.

[Sunfl0wer]

The BPDx and I broke up before my daughter was a year old. She's 4 now and doesn't really have a sense of what home is and why all her siblings have different daddies or why she can only see me via Facetime when she's with her grandmother. I too would like to hear some stories as to what i can expect in the future as this all happened when my daughter was very young and would like to know what i can expect. In the 3 years post b/u the mom has been living the textbook BPD life of instability and reckless impuslive decisions.

I'm sorry for your situation Clyde.  Hopefully someone will chime in.  Maybe also to address the possible outcome and needs of young bio kids that have to deal with the loss of a completely severed relationship and fragmented families.

I can only speak to one part of that, of fragmented families.  My FOO is all disconnected.  My S did not grow up with extended family because I needed to separate from them.  I think the same way that we see those viral videos of a dog nurturing and nursing a kitten or such, our kids thrive on any kind of family that presents itself somewhat stable.  I think my S is ok, for the most part, because even though we didn't stay in touch with the dysfunctional family members, even tho I was a single mom, there was always one or two people that remained like close family.  I think that just one stable "good enough" person is all it takes.

[going places]

Thank you for this.  I am thinking about how MY role model has been.  I feel guilty for neglecting my role as mom to him, my role as a female with friends and interests.  I think I can do well to refocus on being a good role model.

Whew weeee

Yeah.

My role modeling was atrocious.

"Roll over, just let him have his way so that we don't rock the boat, take the blame for everything onto yourself and allow people to treat you like crap so you can maintain peace".

Ugh.

AND my youngest has a mega crush on a boy... .who is just like her dad... .and trying to get her to see that has been hell on earth. S-L-O-W-L-Y she is starting to see, but I have faith, in the end, she will step back and clearly see WHAT this boy is and then WHY she 'picked him'.

I spent WEEKS-MONTHS loathing myself for the piss poor job I did in role modeling for the girls.

Now I can tell them "this is bad, because_______; ask me how I know".

The fortunate thing is this: they have seen me at my worst, and now they are watching me rise up out of the ashes.

They see that I have 'bad days' and they know why.

I pray the Lord will show them the WHY so they do not repeat the mistakes I have made.

Yeah, my role modeling sucked huge.

Selling my soul, sacrificing myself on the alter of ______ (ex's name).

Giving myself, my dignity, my sanity away to chase a lie... .

God has protected them thus far. I believe with all my heart, He will continue.