Just had a phonecall

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

From exBPDgf,

She called me from another number because she "needed" to tell me what she's been up to these past couple of weeks. Aside from the occasional text message every week or so, it's the first time I've actually spoken to her since January.

She started by telling me she was desperate to talk to me because she has been proactive in some of the things she's been doing this past month. Her issue is that she has had nobody to share it with. My problem is that I clearly see the parent/child relationship our relationship turned in to. She really has taken steps forward and my heart goes out to her in that sense. To be honest, I'm certain that the call was simply because she needed someone to tell her they were pleased for her and proud of what she was doing.

Whilst she was on the phone, she cried because she said she felt foolish for calling me over trivial matters and that what was important to her she felt wouldn't be important to me. In a sense, she is right in one way because what she chooses to do with her life is not my concern but on the other hand, the fact it is important to her and the fact she is making positive steps is something to be encouraged.

Regardless of the call, it doesn't change the fact that the relationship is over, if anything, shows why it cannot work. As I've always maintained, she isn't a bad person. She's someone with a disorder that can create difficulty and hurt to those involved and my heart does go out to her for that.

I heard yesterday from some of her friends that I'm in contact with that there is a replacement but that she feels she made a huge mistake in terms of me. That explains the gift, the recent texts and the call today. It's to try keep me on the hook for when it doesn't work out. It's only been a couple of months and the devaluation is already starting. The other reason they wanted to let me know is given what happened to the previous ex-boyfriends. At the moment, I'm still white though I have had angry and hurt texts when I haven't responded to her because I "simply don't care"

At the moment, I'm still trying to find that balance of peace. Not put myself in a position of danger or being drawn back in but at the same time being supportive without rescuing or cutting her off completely. If my contribution is just to listen and say "well done" or "I'm proud of the positive steps you are taking" that's good with me. I won't ever see her as a bad person because I know she isn't. Some of her actions have been hurtful and led to the end of the relationship (cheating) but it's understanding that this was about survival for her and perhaps not the same way we would deal with things but those are her choices to make.

I won't be drawn back into a relationship, nor will I be drawn into rescuing her. I have a lot of things going on in my own life, especially with the emergence of exN/BPDw that I have to deal with. What I want for exBPDgf is for her to find peace and happiness and to succeed in her life. I don't hold grudges, anger, animosity or hatred towards anyone. When people do hurtful actions, I do feel hurt or anger around the action but not necessarily around the person.

[Ripped Heart]

From exBPDgf,

She called me from another number because she "needed" to tell me what she's been up to these past couple of weeks. Aside from the occasional text message every week or so, it's the first time I've actually spoken to her since January.

She started by telling me she was desperate to talk to me because she has been proactive in some of the things she's been doing this past month. Her issue is that she has had nobody to share it with. My problem is that I clearly see the parent/child relationship our relationship turned in to. She really has taken steps forward and my heart goes out to her in that sense. To be honest, I'm certain that the call was simply because she needed someone to tell her they were pleased for her and proud of what she was doing.

Whilst she was on the phone, she cried because she said she felt foolish for calling me over trivial matters and that what was important to her she felt wouldn't be important to me. In a sense, she is right in one way because what she chooses to do with her life is not my concern but on the other hand, the fact it is important to her and the fact she is making positive steps is something to be encouraged.

Regardless of the call, it doesn't change the fact that the relationship is over, if anything, shows why it cannot work. As I've always maintained, she isn't a bad person. She's someone with a disorder that can create difficulty and hurt to those involved and my heart does go out to her for that.

I heard yesterday from some of her friends that I'm in contact with that there is a replacement but that she feels she made a huge mistake in terms of me. That explains the gift, the recent texts and the call today. It's to try keep me on the hook for when it doesn't work out. It's only been a couple of months and the devaluation is already starting. The other reason they wanted to let me know is given what happened to the previous ex-boyfriends. At the moment, I'm still white though I have had angry and hurt texts when I haven't responded to her because I "simply don't care"

At the moment, I'm still trying to find that balance of peace. Not put myself in a position of danger or being drawn back in but at the same time being supportive without rescuing or cutting her off completely. If my contribution is just to listen and say "well done" or "I'm proud of the positive steps you are taking" that's good with me. I won't ever see her as a bad person because I know she isn't. Some of her actions have been hurtful and led to the end of the relationship (cheating) but it's understanding that this was about survival for her and perhaps not the same way we would deal with things but those are her choices to make.

I won't be drawn back into a relationship, nor will I be drawn into rescuing her. I have a lot of things going on in my own life, especially with the emergence of exN/BPDw that I have to deal with. What I want for exBPDgf is for her to find peace and happiness and to succeed in her life. I don't hold grudges, anger, animosity or hatred towards anyone. When people do hurtful actions, I do feel hurt or anger around the action but not necessarily around the person.

[Heldfast]

Well, I am not sure what will come of this, but am certainly curious. Are you sure you are secure enough in your boundaries to avoid being sucked back in?

[hope2727]

I admire you. Keep us posted

[jhkbuzz]

I won't ever see her as a bad person because I know she isn't. Some of her actions have been hurtful and led to the end of the relationship (cheating) but it's understanding that this was about survival for her and perhaps not the same way we would deal with things but those are her choices to make.

Wow, I wish I could be THAT calm and detached about the cheating... .when I think about it sometimes, it still feels like a white-hot knife in my heart.

[Ripped Heart]

Well, I am not sure what will come of this, but am certainly curious. Are you sure you are secure enough in your boundaries to avoid being sucked back in?

I think I am because I'm far more aware of the situation. Sometimes understanding the reasoning behind it is a little more difficult for me to navigate. So provided things stay on the level they are, I feel very comfortable with the boundary.

The big test for me personally is if a crisis develops and how I respond to it. At the moment things are good in her life so that's easier to deal with. I've had issues on this board where her life hasn't been that great and it was understanding where my own boundary should be. I've learned a lot since then but until I face a crisis from her, I'm not sure how I will feel.

Today was quite a sad moment because I try and look at things through her perspective. As I say, there is a replacement who has been on the scene a couple of months now but who she only met last week for the first time. So I have to be mindful that part of this may be about drawing me into a triangle. Given how that's worked for previous boyfriends, I know things can get nasty so I'm keeping a certain distance in that sense. What was sad is that the only person she felt she could share her news with today was me.

Not that I'm more important, but it has a lot to do with that I've seen all sides of her. So when she does something like pay her bills on time or keeps on top of a debt, its a big thing for her but she can't really share that with friends or replacement that have never seen behind the mask. That's what's sad, because it can't be a nice way for anyone to live their life.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I won't ever see her as a bad person because I know she isn't. Some of her actions have been hurtful and led to the end of the relationship (cheating) but it's understanding that this was about survival for her and perhaps not the same way we would deal with things but those are her choices to make.

Wow, I wish I could be THAT calm and detached about the cheating... .when I think about it sometimes, it still feels like a white-hot knife in my heart.

Me too, jhkbuzz. I have my moments (daily) where I turn into this fury and yell at the imaginary her just so I can empty it from my system. I am not proud of some of the things I have hoped would happen to her, but considering how she had no care in how she treated and disposed of me, I'd still say she's come out better than me in the long run. Revenge is a dish best served cold, but I say use a snowmobile and run her over... .

[jhkbuzz]

I won't ever see her as a bad person because I know she isn't. Some of her actions have been hurtful and led to the end of the relationship (cheating) but it's understanding that this was about survival for her and perhaps not the same way we would deal with things but those are her choices to make.

Wow, I wish I could be THAT calm and detached about the cheating... .when I think about it sometimes, it still feels like a white-hot knife in my heart.

Me too, jhkbuzz. I have my moments (daily) where I turn into this fury and yell at the imaginary her just so I can empty it from my system. I am not proud of some of the things I have hoped would happen to her, but considering how she had no care in how she treated and disposed of me, I'd still say she's come out better than me in the long run. Revenge is a dish best served cold, but I say use a snowmobile and run her over... .

I understand... .although for me, the anger is dissipating and I just feel the pain of it.  You know what they say... ."Anger is hurt's bodyguard" - it's true.  I'd like to be as detached and compassionate as Ripped Heart but I'm not there yet.

[downwhim]

My son told me before he went out of the country for 11 months to be strong. I see that in you Ripped Heart.

[Mutt]

Ripped Heart,

Do you think perhaps she told you you are the only person she could confide in to illicit an emotional response?

That being said, you had a conversation with her and know the context and perhaps this is true.

The silver lining is the other person will keep the chaos away and as you say, be aware she may try to cast you in a role in a drama triangle.

[CloseToFreedom]

I don't really have anything to add to the previous posts, only that I'm following your story and I hope you keep strong!

[zeus123]

she cheated on you, she has a replacement,she is contacting for triangulation. yes of course you'll feel sorry for her! she will tug relentlessly at your heart-strings when she's sobbing and telling you how empty,alone,desperate and sad she is,and you'll feel compelled to offer solace and comfort, but don't she will survive she always has.because the minute you make contact with her, you're giving away your power! no matter what you think you need to say to her, these dialogues will leave you feeling worse,not better,it won't win her back or make her think more highly of you.if i was you i would have stayed NC until the end of time... when you've actually accomplished any sort of friendly exchange with her,it reactivates intense longing that took you months to get over! all of a sudden,you're going through that horrendous withdrawal again--and wishing you'd never contacted her.you're texting--and she's silent. THE PAIN IS BACK...

[Infared]

she cheated on you, she has a replacement,she is contacting for triangulation. yes of course you'll feel sorry for her! she will tug relentlessly at your heart-strings when she's sobbing and telling you how empty,alone,desperate and sad she is,and you'll feel compelled to offer solace and comfort, but don't she will survive she always has.because the minute you make contact with her, you're giving away your power! no matter what you think you need to say to her, these dialogues will leave you feeling worse,not better,it won't win her back or make her think more highly of you.if i was you i would have stayed NC until the end of time... when you've actually accomplished any sort of friendly exchange with her,it reactivates intense longing that took you months to get over! all of a sudden,you're going through that horrendous withdrawal again--and wishing you'd never contacted her.you're texting--and she's silent. THE PAIN IS BACK...

Zeus, are you talking about YOU or Ripped Heart?   

[Heldfast]

INFRARED, I kind of felt like Zeus was talking about me... .

[apollotech]

"At the moment, I'm still trying to find that balance of peace. Not put myself in a position of danger or being drawn back in but at the same time being supportive without rescuing or cutting her off completely. If my contribution is just to listen and say "well done" or "I'm proud of the positive steps you are taking" that's good with me."

Ripped Heart,

I too have thought of trying to play some type of positive role in the life of my BPDexgf. Our relationship goes all the way back to childhood. I have many fond memories of her from those days as she was a very positive and active part of my life then, and I hers. Because of our past, regardless of recent events, cutting her off completely, as I have done to heal, will become unacceptable at some point.

Like you, I have resigned myself to being used a bit if it will improve her life. I don't have a problem with that; I can accept that up to a point (boundry). I get where you're coming from here. Having her company in a safe way for us both would definitely benefit me as well. When we were good, we were good; I miss those times and her, her company. (This is not an infatuation with who she was during the idealization stage; that too is/was a manifestation of the disorder, and therefore, false.)

But, I cannot quantify what a relationship of this type would be. As she is (untreated), we could never be romantically involved again. I wouldn't call her a friend because she destroyed that trust. So what would our roles be in said relationship? Because we were very close friends at one time and equally as close as lovers for awhile, how do we now become acquaintances? How does our past not play a part in shaping our future? How would said relationship ever grow or evolve, if even possible?

If you don't mind sharing, I'd appreciate your thoughts on this.