Controlling mom and sister

[goingtostopthis]

      hello everyone,   

                                I havent been here for awhile, I guess Ive been busy working out my life,accepting hard truths and coping the best way I can.  Things have gotten really good in some ways and not so good in others., so I guess I can say there is a balance.

                                 Those of you who know my story, I can tell you that we had another meeting where I asked my sister again if I could be on the deed so we could work as an equal team and she wouldnt give me an answer until I was direct with her, yes or no,  and she said no.   She told me she felt that I was threatening her with this question because I needed her to know that if the answer was no,  I would be eventually leaving here to find another place to live. I told her that I wanted to do what is in my best interest and spending a lot of money on a place where I wouldnt be included on the deed wasnt what I wanted to do. For obvious reasons, dont you think?

                                  It was a very bad meeting where I was ganged up on again. I was made to feel guilty about all sorts of things. My mother had a deal with me that she would be a moderator and not take sides. She failed me miserably. It was a total turn of face from the last meeting. Of course I was upset and walked out. I dont know why my sister is being such a pring about all this. I dont know what a pring is, it just sounds right. I'd say pushy, aggressive, and very very stuck up with a superiority complex. It just seems so senseless of her to be this way. 90% of the problems we have had wouldnt be there if the origonal plan to have me on the deed was accepted by her. To me it feels so mean.  Recently it has started to occur to me that she's hiding something and this is why she's acting this way. She's very very defensive about this deed thing, abnormally so, really.

                                    Anyways, I had freed myself in a big way. Its going to take awhile, but my goal now is find another place to live and to have my own life again as soon as I can.  Not an easy task, too big for me to cope with sometimes but Im hanging in there. 

                                    Ive been doing a lot inner work and study on what boundaries are and how to set them in place with difficult people. One major one was me leaving when they start to gang up on me. And they were and it was bad and abusive so I left. I was talking to them in a steady tone and they were all over me. It was awful.                           

                                     What is interesting is that the next day, my mother has this knack to be all cheery and to pretend like nothing happened. She does this all the time and tries to get me to join in with her and act the same way. And if I dont join in with her, I get emotionally attacked again. for still being upset, or depressed,or non functioning what ever.    I believe the same is true with my sister.

                                         This is where the problem came in. First of all I was still talking to my mom. I was pleasant but not a happy clown. We had a relative visit, I was there, I was nice and talking to him, helping out with my Aunt, etc.  but it was kind of obvious I havent been myself. My mom tried to give me a pair of nice jeans and I didnt want them. She wouldnt let up. Finally she scurried off in a gruff and went to report this to my sister.

She doesnt want them, she doesnt want them, talk about me, talk about me in the laundry room. I could hear it.

                                          Ok, what ever,  I then spend the whole ,morning sitting with my Aunt, doing puzzles and coloring so my mom could talk and have a nice time talking to this relative. I like spending time with my Aunt. She has demenia, maybe because she's non judgemental. Ha! but I do enjoy spending time with her.

I was suppose to come over for Sunday dinner but I had a horse I had to watching due to a choking problem. I was up watching him until 1 in the morning. hes fine now, thank God!  I told my mother this and was sorry I couldnt come over, the relative was still there.

                                           Ok, heres the clincher.  I get this text message from my father telling me its urgent that I get over there and sit with my Aunt for a half a day and to do with "out" being angry. That my sister has a doctors apt. and I need to be over there "helping". It was all worded in a such a way. It made me sick. It was all implying that I was being some kind of problem. He said this twice, that I "must" help with no anger.

Whats sad about this is that I had been having serious depressive episodes but not in the last week. Ive been fine, just not going along with my mother's happy land denial routine.  I cant do it. I will be encouraging more abuse. This is a pattern with them, big time. I cant put up with it anymore. I will not pretend everything is all right, when it is not.

                            My father made it seem like I was being a spoiled brat and saying mean things and being irresponsible and mean to them.  No sir...   I have NOT! Ive been neutral and pleasant about it. 

                               I know my sister called him and told him a bunch of hysterical lies in order to have a guilt trip placed on me so I would have to go over there. Do her frickin bidding. I spoke to my mom about this and said,  if this is so urgent, Why didnt you call me?  Instead of going over my head to my dad!  You knew Id come right over. I said it out right,  this feels very controlling and manipulative to me.  She denied the whole thing. I dont know what youre talking about.  Everything is fine here.  Oh gee, I was up half the night worrying because it was too late to call them to find out what was going on.

                                 My sister did this. And yes, I think its very controlling. I think its awful.    My dad turns on me and sides with her projection of me. Why? because I wont pretend like they do? because I have feelings and Im a real person?   It seems so doesnt it.   I confronted my mom about this and my dad. I will not tolerate this kind of two way communication again.   As for my sister .  Im afraid of her. She's so mean.  Any advise is welcome.  Thanks guys.     

                             

[claudiaduffy]

                                    Anyways, I had freed myself in a big way. Its going to take awhile, but my goal now is find another place to live and to have my own life again as soon as I can.  Not an easy task, too big for me to cope with sometimes but Im hanging in there. 

                                    Ive been doing a lot inner work and study on what boundaries are and how to set them in place with difficult people. One major one was me leaving when they start to gang up on me. And they were and it was bad and abusive so I left. I was talking to them in a steady tone and they were all over me. It was awful.                           

                                 

                             

Both your goal of moving out and your immediate plan of working hard on healthy boundaries are AWESOME. I'm so glad you're doing this! And yes, it's going to backfire; the incident with your dad getting involved with misinformation is probably not going to be the only thing like that. When you start making healthy choices, you rock the boat of dysfunction that everyone else is happy to be sailing in. Stay strong!

[Deb]

Hi goingtostopthis,

Have you read the book "Controlling People"? I found it helpful in dealing with controlling people. And I also applaud your decision to set a goal of moving on.

[goingtostopthis]

                                    Anyways, I had freed myself in a big way. Its going to take awhile, but my goal now is find another place to live and to have my own life again as soon as I can.  Not an easy task, too big for me to cope with sometimes but Im hanging in there. 

                                    Ive been doing a lot inner work and study on what boundaries are and how to set them in place with difficult people. One major one was me leaving when they start to gang up on me. And they were and it was bad and abusive so I left. I was talking to them in a steady tone and they were all over me. It was awful.                           

                                 

                             

Both your goal of moving out and your immediate plan of working hard on healthy boundaries are AWESOME. I'm so glad you're doing this! And yes, it's going to backfire; the incident with your dad getting involved with misinformation is probably not going to be the only thing like that. When you start making healthy choices, you rock the boat of dysfunction that everyone else is happy to be sailing in. Stay strong!

Claudia,

                You said it! When you start making healthy choices you rock the boat of dysfunction. I did manage too go over there this afternoon. Boy was that a trip.  We all most started to get into a fight but I held my ground and stayed calm.  It turns out that they think my Aunt is dying, so I said why didnt you call me and tell me I would have come over. Then it turned out that my sister canceled her doctors apt. and I said  why didnt you tell me about this. I had no idea what time it was. I would have bee here.    This is hard to explain but I had them on the spot. Why did you call my dad?   

             And then to make no sense make no sense. They both claimed that neither of them called my dad. It must have been my Aunt that did it,  NOt!    It was a ghost.  I can say, yes it's true my Aunt is sinking down hill but I dont think she is going to die anytime soon. And you know I really can symphathize with them on this. I can imagine it's very frightening to my mother. And I get it that she might not want to be alone with her during this time in case this happens, even though my sister would have only been gone for 2 hours and I live right next door.

              Then it got even stranger, I was right. My sister didnt know I had all ready been over there the day before,giving my mother the third degree,she says,  you didnt tell me this! Only because she doesnt want to look bad and she wanted her reason to feel justified in doing what she did. Too bad,  the truth was out.  It was weird as soon as they realized this couldnt be taken any further onto their side of things, everything stopped and all of a sudden the tension fell and they got real nice to me. my mother was like:  Lets just forget all of this and start over and get along.

And so we did and spent the rest of the time focusing on my Aunt and her needs and our worries about this.  She's wants to sleep all the time and doesnt want to get out of bed now. Im sorry to say that they are encouraging this now a bit.like they are tired of dealing with her.  I think she's not getting up because she can get away with it. She needs a therapist who will make her get up and walk and stuff. I might try my hand at this next time,  but anyways... .     

                            So I guess if they cant win with thier condemning  accusations that they are using a third person to perform this for them.  Thee event never happened. Ha!  How convenient.   All I know is that my relationship with my dad is all messed up now because of this when Ive tried so hard to keep us on good happy, positive terms. Now hes playing on my sister's warped side again trying to make me look bad, why?  because Im angry at her for not including me on the deed? and not talking to her because she's been abusive?  I shouldnt be angry and I need to forgive her and move on only a week after her beautiful spiteful "No" .   I have no job yet, I had to fore close my house to come here(ruined credit),  I was lied to about how things would be  here ,  the list goes on. No Im not angry. Im not sad. 

                       

What this is, is that they dont want to see the hurt they have caused me or the anger because then they have to look at themselves. And they dont want to do this.