Trouble in paradise for my BPDex and her replacement... waiting for contact...

[4Years5Months]

I've posted about my exBPDgf on here quite frequently this month.  She ended our relationship for the seventh time in mid-February, and I was devastated when she popped up on Facebook a few weeks ago (found out through mutual friends as she unfriended me) that she was seeing a co-worker she had previously vigorously devalued (I believe honestly) to me months ago.  Photos and check-ins galore, she was portraying him as her rescuer.  Her life was in shambles (playing victim) before letting me go, and suddenly everything was right in the world now that she was idealizing Mr. Replacement.

I put a blackout on my friends, telling them NOT to give me details as to what they were doing - UNLESS - there seemed to be trouble (she isn't shy about sharing her negativity on Facebook) so I could brace for a recycle attempt.

That hasn't happened, but I fear that it's close.

Apparently last weekend was chaotic for her (surprise, surprise).  They are about three weeks into the relationship, and I didn't expect it this soon.  However, she has known him for six months, so maybe the idealization phase was grandfathered in a bit.  She posted about her sister being in the hospital, having terrible day(s) at work, and on Sunday posted quite the blunt summary status about her weekend which included crying, fighting (didn't say with who, but it's pretty obvious), starting her period, eating too much (always self conscious about her weight), barely sleeping, and being overwhelmed.  He usually pops up on her profile with some jokey comment (usually insinuating that they have/had sex), but has been strangely MIA in the last week, according to my sources.

She hasn't reached out to me, but has been commenting on Facebook posts of mutual friends that I comment on (so I get the notification with her photo), and last night "liked" one of my comments.  She's testing the waters.  No contact from her yet, but it's looming.  I don't think she has broken up with him (she will usually triangulate and then push the other away to ensure she has someone no matter what) but if she's fighting with him already, that doesn't bode well.

He was also married two months ago, which may be a factor.  She usually doesn't post such blunt information on Facebook (starting her period) - but she would usually tell ME that stuff, as I was her soothing sounding board.  Seems like Mr. Replacement isn't doing that for her, so she's fishing for compliments elsewhere.

I'm on edge.  Good vibes, please.  I don't want her back, but want her to understand it's over between us.  I'm debating not responding, but also being briefly friendly with her and letting her go that way.  There may be an opportunity for closure on my end.  Maybe.

[mitatsu]

You need to block her on FB Asap! N/c or the fog will come... stay strong

[jhkbuzz]

You need to block her on FB Asap! N/c or the fog will come... stay strong

Yes ^^^^

I blocked my ex and it was freeing - because even though I unfriended her I could still see what she posted to mutual friends (and visa-versa). Now I can post where ever and when ever I want without the worry that she will see what I am saying - or that I will see her posts.

If you really want to be free, blocking is the way to do it.

And that ^ is the question, isn't it?

[SWLSR]

Agreed with everyone do not let her back in.  The only way you recover is to totally be out.

[LimboFL]

Enjoy the pleasure of knowing that she chose poorly, discarded someone who was there for her through thick and thin in favor of a flake and a fool. I will live vicariously through you, because no matter how deeply I still love my ex, I want the same fate to befall her. Maybe just maybe she will realize what she gave up. Maybe not but that doesn't really matter.

The additional difficulty that will befall her is that it was someone from work, which means that if she did anything crazy, it could get around her office. This winner guy sounds like he has a very big mouth.

I would have given anything to protect my ex, anything but she is no longer mine. Now she is out there on her own, like yours is. They made their beds... .

[Maternus]

The additional difficulty that will befall her is that it was someone from work, which means that if she did anything crazy, it could get around her office...

My replacement is the training supervisor of my ex. And for all I know, he is a well respected man in that institution (it's a UNESCO Word Heritage Site) - he's one of the eminent authorities there for more than 10 years. She can't leave him and start a smear campaign without losing her job.

[4Years5Months]

With my ex, it's the security guard at her job.  He works for the security company and not her employer, but as most of us who know/have security guards at work, they spend 90% of their day standing around and talking to people.  That's how this all started - he hung around her desk all day.  Despite being an idiot that she nicknamed "Forrest Gump" (remember the devaluing) she hooked up with him about a month after our breakup.  I know they were hanging out with the work circle prior to that, she had him set up.  He split from his wife somewhere in there.  She simply could not be alone.  And now she is reaping what she sowed. 

[ATLandon]

I'm on edge.  Good vibes, please.  I don't want her back, but want her to understand it's over between us.  I'm debating not responding, but also being briefly friendly with her and letting her go that way.  There may be an opportunity for closure on my end.  Maybe.

Closure starts with you. You really aren't fully "No Contact" if you're still friends with her on FaceBook and actively keeping up with her life, even if its only one-sided on your part. Staying engaged in her life is staying actively engaged in your investment with her. The only way you're going to let her go is by, ya know, letting her go. Block her on FB, block her cell, and consider yourself lucky you didn't knock her up and/or get married. Why consume yourself with her life if it is truly of no consequence to yours? If you block her out of your life in all regards and she still finds a way to contact you then reply with "Thanks for reaching out but I need my space. Take good care of yourself."

Btw, I'm not trying to be harsh. That's just the mindset I had to come to in order to move forward in my own life.

[4Years5Months]

ATL, any feedback is appreciated, even if it seems harsh.

I'm not Facebook friends with her.  She unfriended me five minutes after the last breakup.  I'm able to see her limited profile, and she changed her profile photo for the first time in two months last night, to a mopey looking photo of her indoors, wearing sunglasses.  She used to change it every few weeks.  You can see his reflection in her glasses, and given how particular she is about photo composition, I know it was intentional.

Hearing about her troubles actually HELPED me, as it had been all sunshine and rainbows on social media since she went public with my replacement.  Given that it has only been a month, seeing that she is already having trouble with him is music to my ears and eyes.  I've been seeing a therapist, and was told that yep, EVENTUALLY her chaos would bubble up with him, and yep, EVENTUALLY she would contact me.  I had settled in for the typical 3-6 month "idealization" phase with the replacement, which is about what I got out of her (5 months of being Mr. Perfect, until we moved in together).  But the cracks are showing already.

I have usually been the one to break NC and that's when the recycle period(s) start.  Not this time.  I told my therapist (and she agreed) that my best weapon against her is my silence.  She "liked" my Facebook comment, and I know she was wanting me to reach out.  I didn't.  I think changing her profile photo was another "remember me?" moment for her.  Not reaching out.

Last night, and she doesn't know this because I have told no one else, I went on a date for the first time since the breakup.  And it's a girl my ex's age, but she has done SO much more with her life, because she doesn't play the victim and blame others.  Who knows what will come of it, but it put it all into perspective for me - here I was, with someone new, and my ex is still my ex, venting and crying and fighting with her new boyfriend.  An endless cycle.

Limbo, I re-read your post about a dozen times.  Every word hit home and was perfect.  Thank you.  I know she knows she chose poorly.  Whether she ever SAYS that, I'm not sure.  But I know as she sat in the hospital with her sister (it wasn't anything major, thank goodness) she definitely was wishing I was there with her.  Oh well, her choice, and her loss.  I'm SHOCKED she would post such blunt information ("I cried, I fought, I started my period, I ate too much and barely slept... ." fishing for sympathy, probably because he isn't giving it to her, because every thing he says is a sarcastic joke - one of the things she said to devalue him six months ago.  Again, her choice, and her loss.  I knew she could have fun and go places with the guy, but when her drama and stress (work and life) flared up, he would be like a guy trying to fill the Grand Canyon with a squirt gun.  I was right.  Good luck, buddy.

I'll update this if I hear from her.  I'm thinking I won't, at least right now.

[4Years5Months]

Just some additional info... .

I looked up the replacement on Casenet... .his wife filed for divorce three days after my ex broke off contact with me... .our relationship was going south for about a month before that.  Part of me thinks Mr. Replacement separated from his wife and my ex had him lined up as the replacement... .but regardless, my ex is a rebound for Mr. Replacement after his wife filed for divorce.  I mean, that isn't healthy for her, is it?  Funny thing is, he is still friends with the (ex) wife and her family members on Facebook (I did a little stalking)... .I guess they are waiting to unfriend until the papers are signed?  I can't believe my ex would be with a guy in that situation.  Wow.