NC Letter

[smrk871345]

I just wrote this tonight. Feedback please... .

I am shutting you out until you get help – both of you. I need the receipts of 52 sessions per person starting after the date above before I will speak to either one of you again. If you want to get couples counseling, that’s great, but that will be extra. I will not tell you what to work on because you’ll discover that once you get there. I will not tell you where to go or who to work with because you have to find the best fit.

One thing you should know is that counselors and therapists are NOT all the same. Counselors will listen to your problems, help you understand them and work out a solution. They tend to have no higher than a Master’s degree, sometimes less experience, but they tend to be cheaper. They are the ones you will find in a sliding-scale charity or university clinic.

Therapists, on the other hand, are real doctors. They will get inside of your mind to help you change the way you think. This, in turn, solves your problems at the core. Therapists have PhD’s and the power to prescribe medications. This is why they are way more expensive and rarely go on sliding-scale.

I recommend seeing both at different times, as they will help you in different ways to address your problems on different levels. I also recommend journaling, reading self-help books, going to Al-anon meetings, praying for yourself, and getting serious about physical fitness. All of these will support your journey of healing and growth.

I am prepared to not talk to you for a very long time, but that depends on you. The sooner you do the work, the sooner you’ll get your daughter back.

[Turkish]

Hi smrk871345,

Your letter spells out clear boundaries. I also see a lot of pain.

The last time you were here you were living with them. Were you able to move out? If so, how's that going?

[Up In the Air]

It most definitely defines exactly what your terms/boundaries are! I think you gave advice and guidance (the difference between therapist/counselor, suggesting meetings, books, etc) while still making it clear that they are the ones that need to do the work in order to have a relationship with you. It's hard to do this, so give yourself a pat on the back!

[Spruce927]

There are many things in this letter I wish I could write to my mom.  I wonder if you could share the response.  I know that my BPD mother would only respond with rage.  I don't know your background story though.  Has this person been open to therapy?

As a side note not all therapists with PhD's can perscribe meds.  That's why you usually see a psychiatrist and then a therapist.  One does your meds and one does talk therapy.  However, it's really great that you are letting this person know there are all TYPES of therapists because most people don't understand that. 

I'm so sorry you're in this position and hope you know many people are here to support you. 

[Harri]

Hi smrk.  It is obvious you have reached your limit in terms of dealing with your parents (?).  I imagine it has taken a lot to get to this point.  Your letter is clear and direct about the rules you would like to establish regarding contact with them.  I am wondering if you wrote the letter from a place where you never want contact with them again, regardless of whether they choose to follow your rules.  I say that because, although i do understand why you wrote it the way you did, I am not sure that many people would read such a letter and not become angry and defensive, certainly not people you think are BPD.

I'm not sure how to write a letter requesting someone seek counseling for mental health issues before you will speak with them but I do not see this letter being greeted with anything other than anger and hurt.