The burden... It's becoming too much... Help if you can please

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey All,

Like everyone, I feel like I have a lot going on in my life. Only now, do I feel like I can not cope with any more. And what was the straw that broke the camel's back... .?

The knowledge. The knowledge that N/BPD is so common (at least in my social circles). The knowledge that despite my best efforts, other people will take advantage of me trying to bring positive change. That others will take my kindness for a weakness.

The knowledge that despite all my soul searching in my teens and coming to realisations and thinking that the bulk of childhood issues had been dealt with, I only ever really touched the tip of the iceberg.

It feels like such a heavy burden. To have to deal with all of that rubbish from childhood, and deal with self centered narcissistic people. I have come to realise, I have been surrounded by such people. To the point where I became one! But this was only to mask over the feeling of low self worth. And I hate that I recognise where it stems from.

My mother is narcissistic, and my Dad quite frankly never grew a pair. He felt crap about his life and took it out on his kids (thanks Dad!). And the funny thing, the males in the family went on to become near bums. Thankfully, I done better despite my Dad telling me ever since I was young that I was not all that etc (errr... .I'm a kid?). But until this day, I never quite filled my potential which was/is always pointed out. I guess I'm a mirror of my Dad and his tirade of his own crap internal feelings.

I hate that I have all of this work to do. I hate that I do not know where to start! I think a T would be a good place to start, but it is not something I can afford right now.

I hate that this can of worms are open.

In all honesty, I'm scared. I don't know where I will end up. I'm scared of the fact that if someone rubs me up the wrong way, I will explode! I'm sacred of the great evil I could do. I'm scared of the great good I could do, only for it to be used against me, and thus make me more cynical.

In all honesty, I'm terrified. How do I become happy within myself? How do I gain a more healthy social circle? How do I ensure that I am not N/BPD? I know for a fact I used to be. But in my late teens I started to break out of my narcissism.

I have no idea who I can turn to with all this, because I need someone who will at least understand! But should I even feel like I need someone?

It's all getting too much... .I can feel myself going crazy.

[GrowThroughIt]

Hey All,

Like everyone, I feel like I have a lot going on in my life. Only now, do I feel like I can not cope with any more. And what was the straw that broke the camel's back... .?

The knowledge. The knowledge that N/BPD is so common (at least in my social circles). The knowledge that despite my best efforts, other people will take advantage of me trying to bring positive change. That others will take my kindness for a weakness.

The knowledge that despite all my soul searching in my teens and coming to realisations and thinking that the bulk of childhood issues had been dealt with, I only ever really touched the tip of the iceberg.

It feels like such a heavy burden. To have to deal with all of that rubbish from childhood, and deal with self centered narcissistic people. I have come to realise, I have been surrounded by such people. To the point where I became one! But this was only to mask over the feeling of low self worth. And I hate that I recognise where it stems from.

My mother is narcissistic, and my Dad quite frankly never grew a pair. He felt crap about his life and took it out on his kids (thanks Dad!). And the funny thing, the males in the family went on to become near bums. Thankfully, I done better despite my Dad telling me ever since I was young that I was not all that etc (errr... .I'm a kid?). But until this day, I never quite filled my potential which was/is always pointed out. I guess I'm a mirror of my Dad and his tirade of his own crap internal feelings.

I hate that I have all of this work to do. I hate that I do not know where to start! I think a T would be a good place to start, but it is not something I can afford right now.

I hate that this can of worms are open.

In all honesty, I'm scared. I don't know where I will end up. I'm scared of the fact that if someone rubs me up the wrong way, I will explode! I'm sacred of the great evil I could do. I'm scared of the great good I could do, only for it to be used against me, and thus make me more cynical.

In all honesty, I'm terrified. How do I become happy within myself? How do I gain a more healthy social circle? How do I ensure that I am not N/BPD? I know for a fact I used to be. But in my late teens I started to break out of my narcissism.

I have no idea who I can turn to with all this, because I need someone who will at least understand! But should I even feel like I need someone?

It's all getting too much... .I can feel myself going crazy.

[vortex of confusion]

 

I can really relate to your story.

The first step to change is awareness. Opening your eyes and realizing the reality of it all is so unbelievably overwhelming at times.

I am not convinced that I don't have some kind of mental illness. How can one be surrounded by so many people that are mentally ill without losing some sanity?

I went to counseling when I was in college and am now, almost 40, realizing that I haven't really even begun. It is scary. I read a lot of self help type stuff. I have taken lots of online tests. And I keep plugging through one day at a time. Sometimes, it is one interaction at a time because I know that if I am not careful I may say or do things that I will later regret. That is a good thing though because it means that I am self aware AND I am capable of considering the consequences of my actions. And then, there are times when I don't think and lash out and end up regretting it. I have to remember to be gentle with myself!

I think a lot of us spend our adult lives trying to heal from our childhoods. I know that it will probably take a life time and then some to address everything that I have had to deal with through out the course of my life. In some cases, I am just now realizing how bad some things were. That is good though because the only way that I can prevent myself from becoming like the people that have tormented me in life is to become aware of it, admit the gravity of it, and face it head on.

Sounds like you are doing great even if it is very painful!

[Suzn]

Hi GrowThroughIt

I'm glad you decided to share your thoughts, we get it. It's hard to see what we've seen, it can't be unseen. Your name is quite positive and very fitting for your thread. It's a growing process for sure.

I hate that I have all of this work to do. I hate that I do not know where to start! I think a T would be a good place to start, but it is not something I can afford right now.

Have you considered looking into free or low cost counseling? A few phone calls in your area might yield a T that you can afford because they can be very insightful for our individual circumstances.

In all honesty, I'm scared. I don't know where I will end up. I'm scared of the fact that if someone rubs me up the wrong way, I will explode! I'm sacred of the great evil I could do. I'm scared of the great good I could do, only for it to be used against me, and thus make me more cynical.

I can relate to this as well. Being aware of how our feelings can effect us can be scary especially if we have repressed them over time. It feels uncomfortable when they come full force. This will balance out over time.

How do I become happy within myself? How do I gain a more healthy social circle? How do I ensure that I am not N/BPD?

Finding happiness within ourselves and our social circles comes with boundaries. Deciphering our values and becoming authentic by living them.

When we are raised by parents who are disordered it's very possible, if not probable, that we come away with some of the maladaptive coping skills or behaviors. Identifying our own coping methods and behaviors can help us choose more healthy options. It's a process and one that doesn't happen over night. It took a lifetime to develop these so it's going to take a while to make necessary changes. 

We're here for you.    Keep posting, it helps.

[Maternus]

In all honesty, I'm terrified. How do I become happy within myself? How do I gain a more healthy social circle? How do I ensure that I am not N/BPD? I know for a fact I used to be. But in my late teens I started to break out of my narcissism.

You are not alone with this feelings, I can relate to it. Like you I'm an adult child of a dysfunctional family. When I look back at some things I did in my past I must admit, I acted completely like a narcissist. I think it's impossible to grow up in a narcissistic dysfunctional family without becoming a little narcissistic/BPD yourself. It's learned behaviour. You think it's normal, all people are like this.

What helped me a lot sounds a little like a platitude, but it really helped me: It's not wrong to make mistakes, it's wrong not to learn from making mistakes. I think I had to make mistakes in my adult life, because I never had the chance to learn these lessons when I was a child. But I see that I can still learn, I take responsibility for my wrongdoings, I accept my flaws as a part of myself instead of blaming others. This isn't easy, because it's too easy to blame my FOO for everything that went wrong in my life. Sometimes I tend to blame my FOO, sometimes I beat myself up - but I'm aware of it and say to myself: "Hey, you did something wrong, but don't blame others and don't beat yourself up. Just take it as a lesson to do better in the future." 

[GrowThroughIt]

 

I can really relate to your story.

The first step to change is awareness. Opening your eyes and realizing the reality of it all is so unbelievably overwhelming at times.

I am not convinced that I don't have some kind of mental illness. How can one be surrounded by so many people that are mentally ill without losing some sanity?

I went to counseling when I was in college and am now, almost 40, realizing that I haven't really even begun. It is scary. I read a lot of self help type stuff. I have taken lots of online tests. And I keep plugging through one day at a time. Sometimes, it is one interaction at a time because I know that if I am not careful I may say or do things that I will later regret. That is a good thing though because it means that I am self aware AND I am capable of considering the consequences of my actions. And then, there are times when I don't think and lash out and end up regretting it. I have to remember to be gentle with myself!

I think a lot of us spend our adult lives trying to heal from our childhoods. I know that it will probably take a life time and then some to address everything that I have had to deal with through out the course of my life. In some cases, I am just now realizing how bad some things were. That is good though because the only way that I can prevent myself from becoming like the people that have tormented me in life is to become aware of it, admit the gravity of it, and face it head on.

Sounds like you are doing great even if it is very painful!

I think that is essentially it. It just seems so overwhelming right now. The last time I felt like this, I was 17 and I was taking a different path in life to what I was on and what those in my social circle were on. I feel like I never really healed at that point. I was not as good as I thought I was. I'm now realising that my friends (although mean well etc) are dysfunctional individuals themselves, who unfortunately can not talk about these things. I always get told, "Stop thinking so much, you're going to drive yourself mad." And they're right to an extent. All of this thinking is driving me mad. But I'd rather think through things and grow from them, then to be oblivious to my issues, only for them to manifest in worse ways later on in life.

I'm at an epiphany moment, and it makes me feel really uncomfortable, because I know there is a lot of work to do, and those around me (my closest friends) will not understand. And those that might are just too busy with their own lives.

Thank you for your reply. It helped!

[GrowThroughIt]

Hi GrowThroughIt

I'm glad you decided to share your thoughts, we get it. It's hard to see what we've seen, it can't be unseen. Your name is quite positive and very fitting for your thread. It's a growing process for sure.

I hate that I have all of this work to do. I hate that I do not know where to start! I think a T would be a good place to start, but it is not something I can afford right now.

Have you considered looking into free or low cost counseling? A few phone calls in your area might yield a T that you can afford because they can be very insightful for our individual circumstances.

In all honesty, I'm scared. I don't know where I will end up. I'm scared of the fact that if someone rubs me up the wrong way, I will explode! I'm sacred of the great evil I could do. I'm scared of the great good I could do, only for it to be used against me, and thus make me more cynical.

I can relate to this as well. Being aware of how our feelings can effect us can be scary especially if we have repressed them over time. It feels uncomfortable when they come full force. This will balance out over time.

How do I become happy within myself? How do I gain a more healthy social circle? How do I ensure that I am not N/BPD?

Finding happiness within ourselves and our social circles comes with boundaries. Deciphering our values and becoming authentic by living them.

When we are raised by parents who are disordered it's very possible, if not probable, that we come away with some of the maladaptive coping skills or behaviors. Identifying our own coping methods and behaviors can help us choose more healthy options. It's a process and one that doesn't happen over night. It took a lifetime to develop these so it's going to take a while to make necessary changes. 

We're here for you.    Keep posting, it helps.

You're so right. I have maladaptive coping skills and behaviours. I just can't seem to pin point exactly where these stem from (I have a rough idea), nor do I know how to exactly deal with these. Everything seems so jumbled!

Thanks for the reply!

[GrowThroughIt]

In all honesty, I'm terrified. How do I become happy within myself? How do I gain a more healthy social circle? How do I ensure that I am not N/BPD? I know for a fact I used to be. But in my late teens I started to break out of my narcissism.

You are not alone with this feelings, I can relate to it. Like you I'm an adult child of a dysfunctional family. When I look back at some things I did in my past I must admit, I acted completely like a narcissist. I think it's impossible to grow up in a narcissistic dysfunctional family without becoming a little narcissistic/BPD yourself. It's learned behaviour. You think it's normal, all people are like this.

What helped me a lot sounds a little like a platitude, but it really helped me: It's not wrong to make mistakes, it's wrong not to learn from making mistakes. I think I had to make mistakes in my adult life, because I never had the chance to learn these lessons when I was a child. But I see that I can still learn, I take responsibility for my wrongdoings, I accept my flaws as a part of myself instead of blaming others. This isn't easy, because it's too easy to blame my FOO for everything that went wrong in my life. Sometimes I tend to blame my FOO, sometimes I beat myself up - but I'm aware of it and say to myself: "Hey, you did something wrong, but don't blame others and don't beat yourself up. Just take it as a lesson to do better in the future." 

Yes, I would say I'm an adult child. That is painful to admit. But I have to accept it. My r/s with my N/BPD ex brought all of that to the forefront, yet it was always there. She brought it up by behaving like my mother (after the idealisation phase of course!).

It certainly is learned behaviour. I always knew I was weird or there was something not quite right about me, but my narcissism led me to believe that I was just special. I thought me being able to cut people off or turn off that 'emotion switch' was something to be almost proud of. I learnt later on in life that it is not healthy. Now, I'm learning that there are many people around me like that! It's a scary thought!

What do you mean by FOO? I'm quite knew to all of this!

Thanks for the reply and the understanding!

All the replies have been great and helpful.

[Maternus]

It certainly is learned behaviour. I always knew I was weird or there was something not quite right about me, but my narcissism led me to believe that I was just special.

Yes, I had that up and downs all my life. One day, I thought, I was special, the other day I thought I was the the most horrible peace of crap on this planet. I think that's a part of my learned BPD-traits.

What do you mean by FOO? I'm quite knew to all of this!

FOO means "Family of offspring" - look here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

[workinprogress]

GTI, welcome to your new life!  You are about to put the key into the lock of your future!  You can escape your family of origin.  You can escape their negative effects!

Now, slow down.  You can't do this all at once.  First off, give yourself permission to just be yourself.  Don't try to prove anything to anyone else.  Just be.  You have a lot of decompressing to do.

Now, let me recommend a book that I have been reading, it's called "If You had Controlling Parents," by Dan Neuharth.  They have a little list of 65 traits of controlling parents, my parents had 63 of those traits.

Read the book.  Try to enjoy your life a bit.  Also, don't get into any relationships while you are working on yourself, BPD's can spot internal injuries and exploit them.

I can really relate to your story.  My parents are now in their 80's.  As a kid, my mom was a fat raging b-word.  She terrorized my brother and I.  My poor dad just didn't know what to do.  I visited them today for Easter and I could really understand what my dad went through in his life with her for the first time.

There are reasons your family is the way they are.  It is okay to be angry about it, yet, somehow, one day you will be able to forgive them if you do the inner work.

Good luck.