Feelings of guilt

[Jackiexiii]

I just found this website by chance typing into Google stuff about guilt and having a borderline mother, so, I'm new.

I've always struggled with feeling guilty, at least that's the best word I can think of to describe how I feel in regards to my mom. I'm 19, And I've known my mom has had a mental illness for many years because I spent most of mine in foster care. However, it wasn't until the last couple of years that I've really looked into understanding her BPD and how it has and will continue to affect me. Everywhere I look and every counselor I've had has always stressed on not feeling guilty for not wanting to spend time with her. It took me a while to understand that distance was better for us and she is a lot easier to deal with in small quantities but it still doesn't shake the feelings of guilt I have for staying away.

For example, I'd been ignoring her a little for a while prior to today just because of my own stresses in my life and I needn't add more. I was only with her for approximately two hours because I couldn't really do much more because she's just such a negative person. Not to mention, you can't even really have a proper conversation with her because she just zones out and doesn't really pay attention. It's like talking to an empty shell of a human. All she wants to talk about is the negative things in her life, how everyone is out to get her, and nothing ever goes her way. I can't talk about my successes because she either isn't listening or doesn't care anyways. Yet she still thinks that these "visits" are healthy and necessary mother/daughter bonding. Even if I leave her house or her company and we didn't fight, I still just feel badly about being around her in the first place. For the rest of today I'd been super anxious and whenever she popped into mind or the conversations we were having I just felt terrible. I just don't know what to do or how to get rid of the bad feeling. I don't want to shut her out, but at the same time I don't want to feel overwhelmed and just awful for trying to spend time with her in the first place.

[clljhns]

  Jackiexiii,

Glad you have found us!

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles with feelings of guilt related to your mom.   I am also so sorry to hear that you spent many years in foster care due to your mom's mental illness. 

What are some of the behaviors that your mom exhibits that leads you to believe it is BPD? Has made you feel responsible for her and/or her mental illness?

My mom is uBPD, so I understand your feelings of guilt. I also felt guilty about not wanting to have any contact with her. I felt I had to continue the relationship out of fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG). Have you read the articles here about the effects of having of a parent with BPD or FOG? I am including the link here: https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-parent

Again, I am glad you are here, but so very sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. Looking forward to hearing more of your story. 

[getting_better]

Welcome, Jackie! 

My sons and daughter have dealt with their BPD mother for many years.  My 19-year old son took his life last January right after an argument with her at 2:30 in the morning. I believe BPD moms can drive their kids to the brink like that.

My heart goes out to you, and I'm glad to see that you are reaching out and looking for help.  I understand the guilt, and I can tell that a good friend of mine who is a therapist told me last year that guilt and shame are normal human feelings, but they're not productive.  They really don't help us become better - they just keep us down. 

I hope you can move beyond the guilt and realize that you are a wonderful person who deserves to set boundaries for healthy relationships that are productive and meaningful.  Compassion, understanding, and love are certainly appropriate for your mom, but it's so important for you to take care of yourself.  You've been through so much already, and it's my hope that you can find balance and serenity in your adult years.

Best wishes on your journey. 

[Leaving]

Jackie,

 I too have a mother with NPD/BPD and I have experienced everything you wrote about.  I completely understand your turmoil and am glad you found this site. I've had guilt pangs so severe that I made myself sick and trust me Jackie, it's a complete waste of time to suffer like that.  I know it's difficult for you to understand all your emotions and relationship dynamics and see them in their proper perspective at the moment but I do hope you can trust me when I tell you that you're doing the right thing. When we avoid our mothers and telling them the truth, it also leaves us feeling guilty.  It's better when we learn to be direct and honest and leave the drama out of it but it takes practice to learn how to communicate that way with a BPD or NPD parent. I've been practicing for over 30 years!  So, don't beat yourself up with guilt.  You're doing the best you can right now. You have your own needs independent of anyone else- including your mother. 

I have been no contact with my mother and brother for many years at different times in my life.  Right now, I'm at minimal contact and that's even strange and strained because I truly cannot stand being around anyone with NPD or BPD anymore.  I think I'd rather drink battery acid. 

I found a local support group through my counselor  for daughters of N mothers which helped me, I read a book called, ' The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists' which is truly my life-preserver when I need validation and practical advice on how to honor my boundaries and protect myself and I found a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse.  You are doing the right thing by honoring your own needs and please don't ever feel guilty.  I've been aware of my mother's disorders for many years and I'm still discovering ways that her toxic parenting affected/affects me.

A few years ago I was watching the movie, ' Guess Who's Coming to Dinner' - the original one with Hepburn- and it changed my life forever in how I perceive my mother and deal with her attempts to guilt me.  I'm not suggesting in any way that the movie was about narcissistic parents but in the movie when the father tries to guilt his son into not marrying his girlfriend, the son, John, replied with:

" You listen to me. You say you don't want to tell me how to live my life. So what do you think you've been doing? You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you're supposed to do! Because you brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don't own me! You can't tell me when or where I'm out of line, or try to get me to live my life according to your rules. You don't even know what I am, Dad, you don't know who I am. You don't know how I feel, what I think. And if I tried to explain it the rest of your life you will never understand. "

That dialogue sums up my entire relationship with my mother.  She doesn't know me, she doesn't understand me.  She only sees her own reflection in me and I am invisible to her.  I watched this scene and felt such validation.  I felt myself cheering inside!   I will never allow my mother to guilt me ever again!

Please don't feel guilty.  Remember that you are a very special and unique person with your own needs.  You are not selfish to have them. You are just human.  Take a deep breath, let go of the guilt and find someone that you love and makes you feel happy to have a conversation with.  Surround yourself with people who respect you and cherish you. 

Happy Easter   Hope you have a wonderful day.

[Jackiexiii]

What are some of the behaviors that your mom exhibits that leads you to believe it is BPD? Has made you feel responsible for her and/or her mental illness?


Again, I am glad you are here, but so very sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. Looking forward to hearing more of your story. 

Wow, I just have to say I wasn't expecting feedback like this! So, thank you. My mom was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, that's what I've been told since I was 12. When I was first put into foster care, my mom spent some time in the mental hospital which is where she was diagnosed. Before foster care, my siblings and I would be in the care of a lady whom had no relation to my family, because my mom had been in and out of the hospital at this time as well. She may have been diagnosed then prior, and since this was in a different province it may not have followed her given different health care systems. There's a lot of secrets and things I don't know about my past.

She doesn't identify herself with it, she just says she has anxiety. My mom is a textbook borderline though. Manipulation, narcissism, inability to recognize her decisions effect on her children, promiscuity, unable to maintain any healthy relationships, unable to plan for the future, black and white thinking, untrusting of others including family... She loves to inflict conflict, favour certain children, substance and alcohol abuse, always expects apologies even when she is in the wrong, she can never and would never admit if she was wrong or hurtful, super controlling, inappropriate in regards to mother and children relationship discretion... I feel like I could go on forever.

I guess I really realized that she was suffering from BPD when I was in an extremely violent and abusive relationship with a man 6 years older than me who I met when I was 15, who also was borderline. She was in a bad place during this time, lots of strange people coming over and she was drinking nearly every day and doing drugs too. There was lots of turmoil in the family because I refused to end my relationship despite being physically and emotionally abused (really stuck in the cycle of abuse and was for about 2 years). During the time I was with my ex, and even for a long time after my mom always needed to remind me of how my abusive relationship affected HER. She'd say things like "you know after you started dating so and so, we started having all of these problems" and "how could you do this to me, as your mother?". This was a dark and really scary time for me, I was addicted to cocaine because of this guy (literally gave it to me) and instead of seeing these things, my life falling apart and needing parental guidance, her child being abused... She couldn't see past how it affected her. It's like she truly thought my inability to get myself out of this toxic relationship was my way of destroying her life.

I don't feel responsible for my mom, or her mental state. I know it's not something I've done to her, if that's what you mean. I'm still working on understanding her and my ultimate goal would be to not look forward to any kind of apology from her, no matter how hard I believe I need one.

[Jackiexiii]

Welcome, Jackie! 

My sons and daughter have dealt with their BPD mother for many years.  My 19-year old son took his life last January right after an argument with her at 2:30 in the morning. I believe BPD moms can drive their kids to the brink like that.

My heart goes out to you, and I'm glad to see that you are reaching out and looking for help.  I understand the guilt, and I can tell that a good friend of mine who is a therapist told me last year that guilt and shame are normal human feelings, but they're not productive.  They really don't help us become better - they just keep us down. 

Wow. I am so sorry to hear about your son. That's terrible... And it breaks my heart.

I often think that people who suffer from BPD often don't understand why they do or say hurtful things, and they certainly can't see their effect on others. It's such a shame that they don't know when to stop.

I do my best not to feel so negative, but it's a real struggle. Thank you for reaching out to me, I salute you and your family. <3

[Jackiexiii]

A few years ago I was watching the movie, ' Guess Who's Coming to Dinner' - the original one with Hepburn- and it changed my life forever in how I perceive my mother and deal with her attempts to guilt me.  I'm not suggesting in any way that the movie was about narcissistic parents but in the movie when the father tries to guilt his son into not marrying his girlfriend, the son, John, replied with:

" You listen to me. You say you don't want to tell me how to live my life. So what do you think you've been doing? You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you're supposed to do! Because you brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don't own me! You can't tell me when or where I'm out of line, or try to get me to live my life according to your rules. You don't even know what I am, Dad, you don't know who I am. You don't know how I feel, what I think. And if I tried to explain it the rest of your life you will never understand."

Please don't feel guilty.  Remember that you are a very special and unique person with your own needs.  You are not selfish to have them. You are just human.  Take a deep breath, let go of the guilt and find someone that you love and makes you feel happy to have a conversation with.  Surround yourself with people who respect you and cherish you. 

Happy Easter   Hope you have a wonderful day.

I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day for such a heartfelt response for me, thank you <3. This website is already making me feel one hundred times less alone.

That quote really hit home for me, too. Although, reading it makes me think of my Dad. Which is truly an entirely different story. Haha .

I am thankful that I have my boyfriends family, they love me like their own and really care about me. I actually live with them, they've helped me get my life back on track after escaping from an abusive ex boyfriend, unhealthy work environment, and my unhealthy home environment. Although I am happy where I am in life, this also makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Maybe it's because I've felt misplaced my entire life so I feel selfish for feeling like I belong somewhere. Also I'm better off financially than she is, which feels bad as well. I know I don't have to take care of her, but I just feel bad. To be honest I think she knows, but sees it more of an opportunity for manipulation than anything else.

Sometimes I have to just remind myself to be selfish, even if I'm not really being selfish.

[clljhns]

  Jackiexiii,

Sometimes I have to just remind myself to be selfish, even if I'm not really being selfish.

  No, this is not a selfish act on your part. It is healthy to want to take care of the self, and from your story, your a remarkable young lady who has turned her life around in a positive direction. Kudos to you, my dear! 

I wonder if seeing your boyfriends family brings up feelings of loss in relation to your mom? It must  be difficult to see how different his family is compared to what you grew up in. How do you deal with this?

From what you have told us, you are a survivor and thriver! To be so young, and to have a good handle on life, is commendable. The fact that you kicked a drug addiction is also worth praise here! So, I applaud you for all you have accomplished in your young life!

Safe journey and blessings. 

[Leaving]

[/quote]
I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day for such a heartfelt response for me, thank you <3. This website is already making me feel one hundred times less alone.

That quote really hit home for me, too. Although, reading it makes me think of my Dad. Which is truly an entirely different story. Haha .

I am thankful that I have my boyfriends family, they love me like their own and really care about me. I actually live with them, they've helped me get my life back on track after escaping from an abusive ex boyfriend, unhealthy work environment, and my unhealthy home environment. Although I am happy where I am in life, this also makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Maybe it's because I've felt misplaced my entire life so I feel selfish for feeling like I belong somewhere. Also I'm better off financially than she is, which feels bad as well. I know I don't have to take care of her, but I just feel bad. To be honest I think she knows, but sees it more of an opportunity for manipulation than anything else.

Sometimes I have to just remind myself to be selfish, even if I'm not really being selfish.[/quote]
Jackie,

Both my brother and I  feel very uncomfortable being successful, happy or attractive around our mother.  My brother has withheld information about job promotions and I always tried to dress-down around my mother.  N's and BPD's tend to create a very competitive environment because they are always making comparisons.  I think we fear making our parents feel less or jealous because we want them to love us and not feel threatened by us. Plus, they are always whining about how difficult their life is, how they have sacrificed and worked so hard and never get anything in return.  Poor pitiful them. This dynamic is SICK. Parents should want their children to be better people, well-loved, more successful and secure.  When parents selfishly hold their children back, it's abuse.

I ended up in an abusive marriage that I'm trying to get out of at the moment.  He's a covert abuser/passive-aggressive and he's done very scary and tragic things to me, our finances, our business and our dogs.  My NPD/BPD mother guilted me into marrying him several years ago.  Lack of confidence opens up portals to abusive relationships in all aspects of our life like no other and I'm paying dearly for allowing her to control and manipulate me. She did the exact same thing to my brother and he's in a horrible divorce now. I realize now that some parents really do want their children to suffer like they did/do.  Since being married to him, I have been very rudely awakened by even more understanding about my mother and her mental illness and I have no patience for the insanity anymore.  My husband and my mother are practically identical twins.  I try to seek purpose and meaning in all my experiences and so, I  believe that it was necessary for me to marry my husband in order to gain more wisdom and understanding about my mother and her illness and how harmful it is in my life. I'm a slow learner   Truth be told, I really don't like my mother and as far as loving her- well, I never had a mother to love. What I thought was love was just an illusion based on my own needs and her manipulations and I settled for poisonous crumbs of whatever attention she would toss my way.  My entire childhood perception of family and parents and love was so wrong. Despite all the bad conditioning in my life, there was always a part of me that knew life had more to offer and I'm on the road to recovery and reclaiming that life that I was meant to live.

I'm so happy that you have the support of your boyfriend and his family.  Nurture those healthy relationships because they will keep you strong and you'll be able to more easily set boundaries with your mother without feeling guilt. 

[Jackiexiii]

I wonder if seeing your boyfriends family brings up feelings of loss in relation to your mom? It must  be difficult to see how different his family is compared to what you grew up in. How do you deal with this?

I have an extremely strong fear of abandonment, because that's all I've ever known. Both of my parents abandoned me and at one point in foster care, neither of my siblings were with me anymore. My sister has a different dad, and her grandparents adopted her. And my brother went to live with our uncle and his now ex wife. Essentially, I've pretty much been abandoned emotionally by many of the adult figures in my life. My foster family included, they were a part of my life for over 8 years but I never hear from them much anymore. Sometimes I feel like I've been given up on, and that this will continue to happen to me.

In regards to my boyfriends family, I sometimes feel like a burden to them. They constantly reassure me that I'm not and they have done so much for me that says otherwise but I think it's just a feeling I have lodged deep inside of me. My dad told me I was a burden to him, my mother is well... Self explanatory, and I don't think any foster child truly feels like part of the family while in care. For much of my life I've been penalized and told that I was wrong for having certain emotions, which frustrates me.

Sometimes I'm jealous of my boyfriends life and his parents, I really like reminding him of how lucky he is. Since I know jealousy isn't a healthy experience, I try my best to remind myself too that I'm lucky. They welcomed me into their home and I'm part of his family now. They love me and are healthy guidances for me. I am so fortunate to be able to get the much needed mother/father nurturing that was stolen from me in my childhood, now as an adult.

[Jackiexiii]

 

Jackie,

Both my brother and I  feel very uncomfortable being successful, happy or attractive around our mother.  My brother has withheld information about job promotions and I always tried to dress-down around my mother.  N's and BPD's tend to create a very competitive environment because they are always making comparisons.  I think we fear making our parents feel less or jealous because we want them to love us and not feel threatened by us. Plus, they are always whining about how difficult their life is, how they have sacrificed and worked so hard and never get anything in return.  Poor pitiful them. This dynamic is SICK. Parents should want their children to be better people, well-loved, more successful and secure.  When parents selfishly hold their children back, it's abuse.

I ended up in an abusive marriage that I'm trying to get out of at the moment.  He's a covert abuser/passive-aggressive and he's done very scary and tragic things to me, our finances, our business and our dogs.  My NPD/BPD mother guilted me into marrying him several years ago.  Lack of confidence opens up portals to abusive relationships in all aspects of our life like no other and I'm paying dearly for allowing her to control and manipulate me. She did the exact same thing to my brother and he's in a horrible divorce now. I realize now that some parents really do want their children to suffer like they did/do.  Since being married to him, I have been very rudely awakened by even more understanding about my mother and her mental illness and I have no patience for the insanity anymore.  My husband and my mother are practically identical twins.  I try to seek purpose and meaning in all my experiences and so, I  believe that it was necessary for me to marry my husband in order to gain more wisdom and understanding about my mother and her illness and how harmful it is in my life. I'm a slow learner   Truth be told, I really don't like my mother and as far as loving her- well, I never had a mother to love. What I thought was love was just an illusion based on my own needs and her manipulations and I settled for poisonous crumbs of whatever attention she would toss my way.  My entire childhood perception of family and parents and love was so wrong. Despite all the bad conditioning in my life, there was always a part of me that knew life had more to offer and I'm on the road to recovery and reclaiming that life that I was meant to live.

I'm so happy that you have the support of your boyfriend and his family.  Nurture those healthy relationships because they will keep you strong and you'll be able to more easily set boundaries with your mother without feeling guilt. 

Wow, reading all of that made me feel like someone was talking about my own life! It's sad that your brother and you can't be yourself around your mom  I can totally relate. I also feel like my mom was happy for my abusive relationship, too. Because it created turmoil and unsettling within the family which is sadly the environment that she needs to be living in. If there isn't any conflict, she has to create it to satisfy whatever urges I don't think she realizes she even has.

I can't even confide in my mom. She's just, empty and unavailable. She reminds me a lot about the article on FOG on this website. I've tried confiding in her, telling her secrets and trying to get some emotional feedback in regards to my dad - just for her to throw it back in my face when she wanted to hurt me. It's like she keeps this secret safe for your shortcomings and insecurities, and the only reason she cares about them in the first place is so she can use them against you when the time feels right to her.

I hope you find answers within your marriage, and can leave it if things don't get better. I know it's hard to escape abuse and manipulation, and it's easy to blame others. I'm not saying your mother didn't force you into your unhappy marriage, but we also accept the love we think we deserve too. If abusiveness and dysfunction is all you've been used to from your mom growing up, it's not surprising that you may have been drawn to that in some ways through your husband.

[Jackiexiii]

 

Jackie,

Both my brother and I  feel very uncomfortable being successful, happy or attractive around our mother.  My brother has withheld information about job promotions and I always tried to dress-down around my mother.  N's and BPD's tend to create a very competitive environment because they are always making comparisons.  I think we fear making our parents feel less or jealous because we want them to love us and not feel threatened by us. Plus, they are always whining about how difficult their life is, how they have sacrificed and worked so hard and never get anything in return.  Poor pitiful them. This dynamic is SICK. Parents should want their children to be better people, well-loved, more successful and secure.  When parents selfishly hold their children back, it's abuse.

I ended up in an abusive marriage that I'm trying to get out of at the moment.  He's a covert abuser/passive-aggressive and he's done very scary and tragic things to me, our finances, our business and our dogs.  My NPD/BPD mother guilted me into marrying him several years ago.  Lack of confidence opens up portals to abusive relationships in all aspects of our life like no other and I'm paying dearly for allowing her to control and manipulate me. She did the exact same thing to my brother and he's in a horrible divorce now. I realize now that some parents really do want their children to suffer like they did/do.  Since being married to him, I have been very rudely awakened by even more understanding about my mother and her mental illness and I have no patience for the insanity anymore.  My husband and my mother are practically identical twins.  I try to seek purpose and meaning in all my experiences and so, I  believe that it was necessary for me to marry my husband in order to gain more wisdom and understanding about my mother and her illness and how harmful it is in my life. I'm a slow learner   Truth be told, I really don't like my mother and as far as loving her- well, I never had a mother to love. What I thought was love was just an illusion based on my own needs and her manipulations and I settled for poisonous crumbs of whatever attention she would toss my way.  My entire childhood perception of family and parents and love was so wrong. Despite all the bad conditioning in my life, there was always a part of me that knew life had more to offer and I'm on the road to recovery and reclaiming that life that I was meant to live.

I'm so happy that you have the support of your boyfriend and his family.  Nurture those healthy relationships because they will keep you strong and you'll be able to more easily set boundaries with your mother without feeling guilt. 

Wow, reading all of that made me feel like someone was talking about my own life! It's sad that your brother and you can't be yourself around your mom  I can totally relate. I also feel like my mom was happy for my abusive relationship, too. Because it created turmoil and unsettling within the family which is sadly the environment that she needs to be living in. If there isn't any conflict, she has to create it to satisfy whatever urges I don't think she realizes she even has.

I can't even confide in my mom. She's just, empty and unavailable. She reminds me a lot about the article on FOG on this website. I've tried confiding in her, telling her secrets and trying to get some emotional feedback in regards to my dad - just for her to throw it back in my face when she wanted to hurt me. It's like she keeps this secret safe for your shortcomings and insecurities, and the only reason she cares about them in the first place is so she can use them against you when the time feels right to her.

I hope you find answers within your marriage, and can leave it if things don't get better. I know it's hard to escape abuse and manipulation, and it's easy to blame others. I'm not saying your mother didn't force you into your unhappy marriage, but we also accept the love we think we deserve too. If abusiveness and dysfunction is all you've been used to from your mom growing up, it's not surprising that you may have been drawn to that in some ways through your husband.

[Leaving]

[/quote]
Wow, reading all of that made me feel like someone was talking about my own life! It's sad that your brother and you can't be yourself around your mom  I can totally relate. I also feel like my mom was happy for my abusive relationship, too. Because it created turmoil and unsettling within the family which is sadly the environment that she needs to be living in. If there isn't any conflict, she has to create it to satisfy whatever urges I don't think she realizes she even has.

I can't even confide in my mom. She's just, empty and unavailable. She reminds me a lot about the article on FOG on this website. I've tried confiding in her, telling her secrets and trying to get some emotional feedback in regards to my dad - just for her to throw it back in my face when she wanted to hurt me. It's like she keeps this secret safe for your shortcomings and insecurities, and the only reason she cares about them in the first place is so she can use them against you when the time feels right to her.

I hope you find answers within your marriage, and can leave it if things don't get better. I know it's hard to escape abuse and manipulation, and it's easy to blame others. I'm not saying your mother didn't force you into your unhappy marriage, but we also accept the love we think we deserve too. If abusiveness and dysfunction is all you've been used to from your mom growing up, it's not surprising that you may have been drawn to that in some ways through your husband. [/quote]
Jackie,

The empty shells are always in a state of needing a refill and will quickly drain anyone they can!   It's best not to confide in your mother for the reasons you mentioned.  Both my mother and husband use whatever I tell them against me and even worse, twist the facts to suit their own agenda. I wouldn't have a friend like that and yet I have a mother like that.  Mom also pits my brother and I against each other in order to create her own alliances.  She told me recently that I was so much stronger and smarter than my brother and I just rolled my eyes.  I knew what she was up to. 

" Oh What a Tangled Web We Weave... ."  About my marriage-  I was married once before to a wonderful man.  We met in college and the first time I saw him, I knew I would marry him.  He was a nerdy genius type ( my type of guy) and it took another two years to finally meet him and go out.  He was a perfect gentleman and we were soul mates from the start and had a wonderful relationship. I loved his mother and sister dearly.  So, we married after his first year in grad school and we moved across the state.   Mom didn't like him and she hated that we were happy and especially hated how he respected me and didn't tolerate her treatment of me.  After our first year of marriage, she called me every day and complained that I was having to work and support us so that he could play forever student.  She hated academia and told me constantly that I wasn't the type of woman to be a professor's wife- that I wasn't snobby and haughty like the others and that I was a ' free-spirit'.  What the heck is a free spirit anyway?  I always feel so small and stupid when she tells me that.   She told me that I needed to come home and get a divorce, she sent me pills/anti-depressants in the mail and told me to take them and I did.  I don't know why I did.   Those pills knocked the life out of me and I remember not being able to get off the sofa to go to work.  My slow emotional and mental breakdown began.  I had a wonderful job and I got promoted to a field supervisor.  I called my mother to tell her that my boss put me in charge of a project that was in another state and that I would be stopping by her house on my way to the site and would be there for 3 months.  When I arrived at her house, she said, ' WELL, your boss must love you very much to give you so much responsibility"  and she pulled out a big bag of negligees that she bought for me to wear around my boss ( assuming that he and I would be sleeping together despite my being married and in love with my husband).  You see Jackie, I was nothing but a sex object to my mother.  I had no brain, didn't earn my way in life. I got what I had because I was either lucky or someone wanted me for sex.  She didn't understand how anyone could possibly respect me or that I actually worked and earned my promotions.  By the time I got to the job site with my boss, I was a mental wreck, couldn't concentrate, felt so violated and dirty and stupid and told him that I wasn't qualified and asked him to replace me.  He was stunned and had no idea what had transpired between my mother and I.   My breakdown continued.  My husband, a psychologist, knew that my mother was NPD/histrionic and he knew that she was driving me insane. He always defended me in her presence and he always championed my life and supported me in healthy activities and work but I was so broken down and he finally complied with my mother's wishes and he dropped out of grad school and brought me back 'home' to this area and he worked as an adjunct professor while we settled into some sort of life here.   I felt horrible and so full of confusion, shame and guilt about him leaving school for me that I filed for divorce so that he could be free to get on with his life. He never once complained but I just felt horrible and unworthy of him.  I also felt very embarrassed around my husband's family because I really didn't know what was wrong with me and I felt so out of control and afraid.  During a conversation with my mother around that time of divorce, she accused me of sleeping with my boss and even told my husband's father that I was unfaithful and destroyed my marriage.  My father in law and his wife would not speak to me at all and they even threw my mother a birthday party and didn't invite me!  My husband wasn't all that close to his father and stepmother which is why my mother targeted them.   My mother in law knew better about me and she didn't like my mother anyway.  She knew the deal and before my divorce she gave me a book about narcissistic mothers but I didn't read it and I didn't really understand then what I do today.  I made NO CONTACT with my mother after that. 

I went on about my life and things were looking up.  I had detached from my mother for several years after my divorce but contacted her again when my dog was dying.  I wanted and needed my mommy.  That was a huge mistake and although I didn't get all that involved in her life, she was still present enough to poison me.

During that time,  I met my current husband at my job.  He was a nice enough guy but not my type.   I went out with him a few times after work just to be social and have some fun.  My mother met him once because he offered to help me clean her gutters.  She told me that he was just wonderful and such a gentle loving man.  I didn't give her comment much mind at the time but her words kept playing over and over in my mind and I began to feel glad that she liked him.   A year or two later my husband decided to go to her to tell her that he wanted to marry me.  Hmmmmm  Imagine that conversation between 2 N's. Mom was thrilled and warned him about all my flaws ( she always devalued my brother and I to our spouses).  Mom called me to tell me that he had visited her and told her about his plans to propose to me.  I told her that I didn't want to marry him, didn't believe he was mature enough or responsible enough to be married.  Oh my gosh Jackie... she blew up at me with such anger and  accused me of not wanting to be happy, of being selfish and not wanting to make anyone else happy.  She told me that I had lived a very blessed life and never lacked for anything, that everyone loved me and gave me everything and that it was time for me to give back and start thinking about other people's needs for a change!  Her words pierced me and I slowly absorbed them more and more with each passing day.  My entire perception of myself and my husband changed and I ended up getting engaged and married.  I had a business of my own but my mother convinced me that it was better if I made my husband the president so that he would feel good about himself & gain confidence.  I, the idiot, complied.  My life went to hell almost immediately and I couldn't make sense of what I was dealing with.  Everyone made excuses for him and I wanted to believe them.   After many years of trying therapy with my husband and many different diagnoses, he was finally diagnosed with NPD/BPD, addiction. Prior to that he had been labeled a sociopath or ADHD and passive-aggressive.  Imagine putting an addict on speed. He turned into an antisocial psychotic monster obsessed with taking his pills. He lost so much weight that we could see his teeth through his cheeks and customers began calling with concern - asking why he had become so impersonal and thought he was sick and dying. I think he got down to 119 lbs!   Anyway, I told the psychiatrist to go to hell and I got him off the pills and we got off the therapy-go-round for several years.

   

In hindsight, I believe that after my divorce from my first husband, I became extremely insecure, unstable and very vulnerable to my mother's manipulations. I was truly falling apart and losing my mind.   I have forgiven myself for divorcing him and I have spoken to him many times since and apologized for all that mess but unfortunately, I'm currently living with the collateral damage from the choices I made as a result.  People say that one wrong turn can change your life forever and I am living proof of that.  I've paid dearly and now I am trying to find a way out of this hole and begin again.  When I do get out of here, I can assure you that I will NEVER allow anyone to dictate my choices. 

Sorry to ramble on as I did.  In a way, it's good that I write this stuff as a reminder to stay away from my mother.  She's deadly poison- like the White Oleander :D  Ever seen that movie?