She told me why she recycled me

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well, not really a recycle, more a one night stand, followed by "now please disappear" attitude. This after 18 months of almost no contact, with only occasional "happy birthday" or "happy new year". The whole episode escalated after I did not text her for her birthday. /sigh.

But although she clearly said no to new relationship, she still refuses to cut contact, dropping a text every few weeks, and this became increasingly stressful to me. So yesterday I decided to clear this mess (shortened and paraphrased):

- Hey, why do you insist on keeping contact with me?

- I was hurt and I do not want to have you as an enemy.

- Fair, is that all?

- I guess I wanted you to tell me that I am not crazy or evil.

- You are not. But I still have feelings for you, can you understand why I cannot keep this contact?

- I do, sorry for being selfish

- Ok, can we agree that we are in peace and cut contact?

- Of course

- Goodbye

Seroiusly? Instead of just asking, you create a new mess. Well, this just confirms my suspicions that recycles are nothing more than a check if daddy is still angry.

But still, I guess I did good. No drama, no new damage. Probably gave her some peace of mind. Now if only I could feel good about it, damn hope

[Numbers]

Well, not really a recycle, more a one night stand, followed by "now please disappear" attitude. This after 18 months of almost no contact, with only occasional "happy birthday" or "happy new year". The whole episode escalated after I did not text her for her birthday. /sigh.

But although she clearly said no to new relationship, she still refuses to cut contact, dropping a text every few weeks, and this became increasingly stressful to me. So yesterday I decided to clear this mess (shortened and paraphrased):

- Hey, why do you insist on keeping contact with me?

- I was hurt and I do not want to have you as an enemy.

- Fair, is that all?

- I guess I wanted you to tell me that I am not crazy or evil.

- You are not. But I still have feelings for you, can you understand why I cannot keep this contact?

- I do, sorry for being selfish

- Ok, can we agree that we are in peace and cut contact?

- Of course

- Goodbye

Seroiusly? Instead of just asking, you create a new mess. Well, this just confirms my suspicions that recycles are nothing more than a check if daddy is still angry.

But still, I guess I did good. No drama, no new damage. Probably gave her some peace of mind. Now if only I could feel good about it, damn hope

[Infared]

As long as YOU allow it, she will keep you in the background.  Clearly if you have deep feelings for this person (like I and many others here have for their ex's), you are not getting what you deserve or need back from them.  Correct? I bet you that she is not done... no way... .I had to cut all ties (and then have mine play victim that I was the big bad ogre after she cheated on me an ran off with new supply)... .yeah right. I say cut your losses... .grieve the pain and move forward.  I could not have any contact with mine... .it was just to painful... .and I could see... it was just some F'ed up game for her.  Nothing more.  I was working with a T and I "made a decision" that this was not something that I needed in my life in any form.  I am an honest, sincere, faithful kind of guy... .I deserve MUCH better than a bunch of self-centered crazy making.   Even if the person has a personality disorder, the end results shake down the same way at my end.   "No thanks!" is my response today, she can just keep that over there somewhere... .

[Invictus01]

Every time she pokes you, it just opens up your wound again. It is literally like having an open wound and instead of leaving it alone until heals, somebody comes in every once in a while and opens it again. If you want to heal, you need to protect yourself from that somebody. She clearly either doesn't understand what she is doing to you or she just doesn't care and does this for $h!its and giggles. Anyway, there is only one way to heal and that's to protect yourself from her.

[apollotech]

"... .she still refuses to cut contact, dropping a text every few weeks, and this became increasingly stressful to me."

Numbers,

This is the problem my friend: She is still triggering you in some way. What did you get out of the one night of contact, if anything? What are you hoping for ("Now if only I could feel good about it, damn hope... ."?

[raisins3142]

Mine told her friend that she plans on using me as a booty call later on.  Probably for about the same reasons as with yours. I plan on not responding.  At least I have a heads up.

[Suzn]

Seroiusly? Instead of just asking, you create a new mess.

Asking what? Numbers, it takes two to tango in a one night stand my friend.

Now if only I could feel good about it, damn hope

This looks like new damage to me.

[Infern0]

I made damn sure to tell mine I didn't hate her last time we talked to avoid this exact scenario

[hoaianhcameron]

- I guess I wanted you to tell me that I am not crazy or evil.

My exBPDbf used to made me confirm that he's not a bad person... .something like this, i dont know why he needed that kind of validation 

[Numbers]

You are all absolutely right in turning focus onto me, I am working so hard to love myself more. But maybe I should have explained myself better - this episode did not leave me devastated, I am more in a "bleh" disappointed state. Which I hope is good - disappointment should reinforce detachment.

I am actually pretty rational about state of our "connection" at this point. She certainly could give me what I crave. She already did... .then stopped. But now she does not want to or cannot. Dangling the carrot just reinforces my anxiety. I am now trying to use this anxiety to finally come to terms that this will never work. Me being a Myers-Briggs INTP complicates things, though (over-thinking with weak emotional intelligence).

When someone refuses to let you go, isn't it natural to think that romantic love is still involved? When you hear something like "On every holiday I was sitting beside my phone hoping to hear from you", shouldn't you hope that feelings are still strong and there is willingness to try and salvage the relationship? Guess I just wanted to share that for me it didn't happen that way. All she wanted was to shed the blame.

At least now, for the first time, I established a firm boundary, in written. We'll see how it goes.

Seroiusly? Instead of just asking, you create a new mess.

Asking what? Numbers, it takes two to tango in a one night stand my friend.

Now if only I could feel good about it, damn hope

This looks like new damage to me.

Asking if I am angry, if she can be forgiven. That was what she wanted, so why humiliate herself and use sex as a tool when a simple message would suffice? It is a mess in a sense that neither of us can be satisfied with what happened. And of course I went willingly into it. Because of hope. It is so natural - you hope for something and you work towards it. Damn how hard it is to act against my nature in this case.

[RedDove]

Numbers, I completely understand what you are saying. I can empathize with your situation. I have been where you are. It's only natural and normal to have hope. Especially when that dang "carrot" is constantly being dangled in front of your face. It's like they have it on a stick and as soon as you get close to it, they pull it away.

I can also deeply understand the thought of someone not letting go and constantly staying in touch meaning or equating to romantic love. That is, in a healthy relationship. Not an encounter with someone suffering from BPD. The same rules do not apply. I am an ISFJ on Myers Briggs so I am bound to people I care about and driven by fierce commitment, intense responsibility and deep loyalty. Mother Teresa is ISFJ! And I still didn't stand a chance with my ex BPDbf due to his emotional instability.

I ended it with my exBPDbf 11 months ago. I was on a roller coaster ride for 4 years! Several recycles were initiated by him and me. I always knew there was something deeply wrong with him, and us. I also found myself playing detective too many times. I never felt safe and was always watching over my shoulder.

In the end I unraveled his cheating and lies and confronted him. He projected blame on me, dissociated, said we hadn't been in a relationship for 2 years. Told me he lied about me being the love of his life and future plans to use me for sex. And finally revealed he was unstable, borderline and an alcoholic.

Four months later I joined the POF dating site and he began sending me emails. I knew that's where he found my replacement. After a few months of messages and texts I agreed to meet for lunch. He spent the whole time idealizing (saw right thru it!) and recounting his "terrible" dating stories. Very selfish and insensitive towards me. Nothing had changed, except I was more aware. I kept a poker face and didn't let my hurt or awareness show.

He's been texting me ever since. Most of the time it's texts like from your ex. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, blah, blah, blah. Then about a month ago it was I love you, always have, always will. I miss you. I want you. Mind you all texts were sent late at night when I knew he'd been drinking. I would turn my phone off and not respond.

Two weeks ago he texted that he has deep regrets about us. That he didn't want to cause me any more distress, nor set "me" (or him) up for any more disappointment. Then he told me he was lonely, horny, exceedingly attracted to me. But, only thinking about "his" immediate needs=sex. I texted that I had made peace with us and I would not compromise my values or morals for anyone.

Last weekend I received a text at 11PM on Saturday night, aka=booty call. If that is what it still called! I'm 40+ years old so a little out of the lingo! Lol! The text said "I hope you are having a good night". I didn't respond until Sunday with "Thanks, yes I did have a good night!". I haven't received any texts since.

I am 11 months out and indifferent to him at this point. BUT, those texts still tug at a part of my heart that wishes he was a normal man that was capable of a stable, mature, committed, relationship. In the end it's just all "words"... .and words without action are empty and just smoke and mirrors!

When I found out my ex suffered from BPD I researched and read everything I could. I've taken the journey of looking inside myself and at my FOO issues. I've been focusing on me and as you said learning to love "me". It's been a painfully hard journey, but I've learned a great deal about myself. I will always care about him, but I will not sacrifice my values, integrity, needs, morals or my life for him. I want more for myself! 

[Mr.Downtrodden]

I don't hate my ex. I care for her more than she'll ever know, or be able to understand.

I am left, 19 months out, feeling lonely and disappointed, in her and i n myself. 

I have been changed.  I used to believe in love and trust.  Now, i am too old for hope and getting past the fallout.

[dagwoodbowser]

After 4 recycles she finally semi told me it was about her "deep connection" to me? Bottom line about every 3 months after getting bored of the other Orbitors, X's and Replacements it was all about my being a Booty Call. Had nothing to do about how she really felt about me. She may use that as her excuse, but it took me this long to figure it all out.

For this kind of woman, it's all about The Chase. A Borderline's sense of Self is predicated on her ability to manipulate your desire and emotions; when a seduction challenge comes to an end, so does her capacity to reinvigorate self-esteem--at least until the next elusive lover is found. She is a shallow individual that can never be satisfied financially, emotionally or sexually. Be aware that during a breakup or separation, your absence may force her to confront sensations of emptiness and/or self-loathing, and this can happen within a very short period. She'll usually re-engage when this psychic pain becomes unbearable, or she's wanting/needing something from you--but this is always according to her terms and timing. If she calls or "checks in" to see how you're doing in the aftermath of this relationship, it's never about you! Her sole purpose is keeping you around to meet her needs (no matter what she says to the contrary).

The 'perfect love' you experienced at the start of a relationship with a Borderline will never be restored, for once you've been Seduced the challenge of The Chase is over, and they lose interest in you.