When do the thoughts of the relationship stop?

[m-and-m]

Its been almost a year now... .She is with the replacement, and communication about US has stopped... .However, i still find myself thinking of all the reasons i broke it off... .like i am still telling myself how horrible it was. Is this normal? I mean ALMOST A YEAR later? I have literally broken down every aspect of our relationship! I understand that the build and fall of a relationship takes two. I have concluded that She manipulated me to enable her (the fog).

I believe that if i didnt have a child with her i would be over this already... .But it just continues to break my heart that she didnt even try counseling. I mean, i could calmly try to talk or email her about the things she would say or do and then ask... ."do you think this is normal"  but it was just met with "well you did this, and you did that". My feelings and needs were never validated. I now truly know that there was nothing i could have done myself without completely cutting my balls off and handing them to her.

has anyone felt this way even a year later?

[Ex_CB_Partner]

I now truly know that there was nothing i could have done myself without completely cutting my balls off and handing them to her.

So true... .I thought first... .But you know what? The husband of my exBPDgf did. Was there a red flag when he told me during our first meeting that I should never argue with exBPDgf as she is always right? Hmmm... . She replaced him with me for 1.5 years, though. Within some weeks (!) he lost his wife, his house, his kids and was left behind without a penny on his bank account. For him (and everybody else around them) out of nowhere.

Best part is... .What happened after I told her that I will never let her manipulate me again? Right... .She recycled him... .The poor guy. It would kill him if he knew what she wrote to me when she tried to pull me back into her game after their 'reunification'. But I cannot help him with that as I need to rescue myself as well as I know I just would have no chance to support him either.

With regard to the actual topic. I´m in month 8. I feel that it leaves my head slowly. But if it returns, I just accept it and proceed with working things up. Such an experience is just not left behind quickly. It also shouldn´t, as the working-up-process leads to the big benefits for us that we could/can only achieve by going through all that pain, by loosing ourselves, by being demolished to the foundation and by building ourselves up again. We´ll never be the persons we used to be before meeting our partners again. But if we keep going, we´ll be new ones without the issues that brought us in the r/s, made us stay besides all the craziness/abuse and were the primal reasons for our suffering after the end.

[tim_tom]

Its been almost a year now... .She is with the replacement, and communication about US has stopped... .However, i still find myself thinking of all the reasons i broke it off... .like i am still telling myself how horrible it was. Is this normal? I mean ALMOST A YEAR later? I have literally broken down every aspect of our relationship! I understand that the build and fall of a relationship takes two. I have concluded that She manipulated me to enable her (the fog).

I believe that if i didnt have a child with her i would be over this already... .But it just continues to break my heart that she didnt even try counseling. I mean, i could calmly try to talk or email her about the things she would say or do and then ask... ."do you think this is normal"  but it was just met with "well you did this, and you did that". My feelings and needs were never validated. I now truly know that there was nothing i could have done myself without completely cutting my balls off and handing them to her.

has anyone felt this way even a year later?

Good question, I am 8 mos post b/u, and while I am not sad (I'm actually very happy and have almost returned to my old self), I still think of her daily, dream of her occasionally and miss her every now and again.

The whole relationship was the most emotionally intense thing I've ever experienced, from the beginning  idealization and feeling like I met my soulmate to the slow but steady decline into being controlled, and splitting black and back periodically to the final split black, and all the pain the breakup caused. It began and ended with shock and awe. I don't think it's something I will ever fully get over, it's been burned into my being and sometimes I feel in a very real way I have a form of PTSD.

[nolisan]

Tim_Tom really nails it with "I don't think it's something I will ever fully get over, it's been burned into my being and sometimes I feel in a very real way I have a form of PTSD."

Yep ... .these aren't normal r/s's, we have been traumatized and trauma memories are deeper than "normal" memories. Barnes talks about this in "The Betrayal Bond".

I have recently been working with a T on ptsd from a workplace injury 15 years ago. Lot's of the techneques he uses for the old trauma is helpful for dealing with my BPD r/s memories. Mediation and observing my thoughts come and go without getting attached to them. Thought stopping: I ask myself if indulging in this memory is serving me well. Exposure therapy: going through a painful memory, observing my body, really feeling it ... .the releasing (ie tears).

Like PTSD survivors our whole self concept and reason of meaning has been challenged. For me I can give meaning to the pain and scars of the difficult r/s - my work in healing has made me a better man.

[Reforming]

It's different for everyone, but in my experience genuine detachment is not a linear process, it seems to come in dribs and drabs.

It's two and a half years since my relationship ended, but I still go through phases where I find myself thinking about my ex and missing her despite therapy, and much more realistic understanding of our relationship and her suspected disorder.

My relationship lasted quite a long time, 16 years, so I try to be compassionate to myself and accept that it takes time to heal. I'm not in a relationship right now - a conscious choice - and I have been working hard at therapy on and off over the last couple of years. I definitely feel a lot healthier and stronger than I did. I accept that I definitely had issues of my own which drew me to her and kept me there, but I still get shocked and angry at times at the damage I allowed her to do to my self esteem and mental health.

And even though I now understand BPD's ability to devalue and discard I still struggle at times to accept that my ex could behave so brutally.

Hey ho all I can do is to keep chipping away and clearing what's left of the debris. I can definitely see a lot more light now than I did

Things do get better,  but you have to keep slogging away

Good luck

Reforming

[m-and-m]

Being in these relationships are straight exhausting... .I believe i dodged a bullet a few months back... .After the lies and the fling with her current boyfriend... .She tried to reel me back in, and I literally turned away and got in my car (she came running after, grabbed my door, and opened it) I stopped her from saying anything, told her she was acting crazy and to back away... .when she finally did she screamed out... and this still haunts me, "Have fun being alone!"

I could only think... .What kind of person, who "cares" about you, would do that" Why? only answer... .To hurt me. MESSES UP.

I am still not in a relationship... By choice, because, i know i was just in something horrible and really dont want to drag any of it into something new, i have been going to a T for 8 months now. So does her just running to this "online affair" guy hurt?... .Your damn right it does. She went on to tell me how she knows how her new relationship will work out, and how she is soo happy now. the sad part... .I believe her. I am so messed up for that... .Why care? why even bother thinking about it? What did she do to me? damn

Sorry Rant

[Reforming]

Being in these relationships are straight exhausting... .I believe i dodged a bullet a few months back... .After the lies and the fling with her current boyfriend... .She tried to reel me back in, and I literally turned away and got in my car (she came running after, grabbed my door, and opened it) I stopped her from saying anything, told her she was acting crazy and to back away... .when she finally did she screamed out... and this still haunts me, "Have fun being alone!"

I could only think... .What kind of person, who "cares" about you, would do that" Why? only answer... .To hurt me. MESSES UP.

I am still not in a relationship... By choice, because, i know i was just in something horrible and really dont want to drag any of it into something new, i have been going to a T for 8 months now. So does her just running to this "online affair" guy hurt?... .Your damn right it does. She went on to tell me how she knows how her new relationship will work out, and how she is soo happy now. the sad part... .I believe her. I am so messed up for that... .Why care? why even bother thinking about it? What did she do to me? damn

Sorry Rant

Mine said something similar - "you're going to be a lonely old man". Slightly ironic considering that in the 16 years we spent tougher she had no really close friends - apart from me, my friends and my family.

She had massive issues with trust and intimacy. Very sad really

I wouldn't begin to defend your ex and I think I can understand your hurt, but I would say that even NONs are capable of saying pretty hurtful things during breakups.

However the so happy with new bf stuff is messed up and disordered. Even if it's true - which is highly unlikely - why would a healthy person say that to an ex? If she's disordered it makes sense and though it may not completely erase your pain at least you know that she's disordered and not well enough to be in a healthy relationship with anyone.

Well done for getting to therapy and working to process your relationships. They are very draining and you're left wounded so  think you're absolutely right about staying single for a while. It can be so tempting to dive into another relationship for comfort and support, but it's not fair on the other person and there's also a real risk that your radar is so skewed that you can end up in another unhealthy relationship .

And as far as healthy partners go I wouldn't want to go out with someone who is still recovering from one of these relationships.

It's tough trying to stop the repetitive thoughts of your ex, but I found the two minute rule quite useful.

The idea is that even a two minute break from a pattern of thought about something can change your thinking patterns. So I set a timer on my phone for two minutes and try my hardest to think of other things for that time. Rinse, repeat and keep doing it until your thoughts have changed. Simple but surprisingly effective

Good luck

Reforming

[Mutt]

Hi m-and-m,

But it just continues to break my heart that she didnt even try counseling. I mean, i could calmly try to talk or email her about the things she would say or do and then ask... ."do you think this is normal"  but it was just met with "well you did this, and you did that"

It's normal grieving the loss of a relationship.

What stage do you see yourself in the 5 stages of grieving?

Anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance?

[SWLSR]

Mutt

Those stages are not perfect.  But I would say he is in depression.  M and M yes this is normal.  you need more time but it will come.  There will come a day when you are indifferent to what she is doing trust me I was where you were and I passed through it so will you. 

[sirensong65]

Felt the need to chime in.  I am 18 months out initial break up, 13 months since first and final recycle.

He is happy as a clam with the replacement, though they are both bi polar and have had MANY violent fights and cycles.  I do not date and I am not seeing it in my future.

I wanted to speak to the 7 stages of grief.  Because I see that not only do they not come in order, but I have cycled through them multiple times.  I seem to be stuck most times between depression and anger.  Though I see myself getting further and further on in my recovery as I have greater stretches of peace that I used to.  I will still have a cycle hit me out of no where and I am back to CONSTANT, CONSTANT, ruminations.  So much so the gal I use as a talk therapist suggested medication.  But I just refuse to go that route.

I feel I am very abnormal to hang onto these emotions for SO long.  I can see the reaction on friends faces or the comments my kids will make if I bring up a memory regarding him.  But, these people have not experienced this kind of relationship.  I had been married twice with kids.  Yet, when those relationships ended, I grieved a normal amount of time and dusted off and moved on.  This relationship last 13 months, resulted in no children and I am STILL damaged by it all.

Who's the crazy one? 

[Mutt]

Those stages are not perfect.

Yes its not perfect.

Everyone's healing path is different.

It's not a race to the finish.

It takes time.

But, these people have not experienced this kind of relationship.

I think this is good observation sirensong65.

When a person with a personality disorder breaks-up it's chaotic, traumatic and confusing.

[m-and-m]

I have been through every stage, probably a few times... .My T says i stick to anger in order to protect myself from opening the vulnerability to her again... .in order to not recycle. Truth is I understand being with her is not good for me, i am completely aware of that... .so yes still mourning the R/S. I still get hung up sometimes, usually when my daughter says stuff like "i wish mommy would move back home." Those are the ones that get me.

[SWLSR]

Siren

18 Months is not along time when you have been with a BPD.  I am four years out and I still have bad days.  Though are few and far between.  You are not crazy it is normal to hurt when something this painful happens and this is the worst emotional pain one can imagine and if you have not had it you have no idea how bad it is.  My ex got married the day our divorce was final.  And I went through several relationships.  My guess is your ex is not in the place you think he is.  He is probably struggling also they know how to hide it well though.  Like others you will be ok give it time

[sirensong65]

Siren

18 Months is not along time when you have been with a BPD.  I am four years out and I still have bad days.  Though are few and far between.  You are not crazy it is normal to hurt when something this painful happens and this is the worst emotional pain one can imagine and if you have not had it you have no idea how bad it is.  My ex got married the day our divorce was final.  And I went through several relationships.  My guess is your ex is not in the place you think he is.  He is probably struggling also they know how to hide it well though.  Like others you will be ok give it time

SWLSR:  Thank you for that.  I take St. Johns Wort for the depression and it seems to help my mood.  I am doing stand up comedy on the side, most of it surrounded around that relationship.  It has been cathartic to mock it and get laughs.  But, as someone famous once said, comedy is just anger in lipstick.  So true for me.

[Plonko]

I'm not sure "when do thoughts of the relationship stop?" is the right question to ask because thoughts of the relationships don't and probably shouldn't stop. They're part of you and part of your history. Rather than those thoughts stopping I think you just learn to accept them and learn not to be affected negatively by them.

[Infared]

Its been almost a year now... .She is with the replacement, and communication about US has stopped... .However, i still find myself thinking of all the reasons i broke it off... .like i am still telling myself how horrible it was. Is this normal? I mean ALMOST A YEAR later? I have literally broken down every aspect of our relationship! I understand that the build and fall of a relationship takes two. I have concluded that She manipulated me to enable her (the fog).

I believe that if i didnt have a child with her i would be over this already... .But it just continues to break my heart that she didnt even try counseling. I mean, i could calmly try to talk or email her about the things she would say or do and then ask... ."do you think this is normal"  but it was just met with "well you did this, and you did that". My feelings and needs were never validated. I now truly know that there was nothing i could have done myself without completely cutting my balls off and handing them to her.

has anyone felt this way even a year later?

Good question, I am 8 mos post b/u, and while I am not sad (I'm actually very happy and have almost returned to my old self), I still think of her daily, dream of her occasionally and miss her every now and again.

The whole relationship was the most emotionally intense thing I've ever experienced, from the beginning  idealization and feeling like I met my soulmate to the slow but steady decline into being controlled, and splitting black and back periodically to the final split black, and all the pain the breakup caused. It began and ended with shock and awe. I don't think it's something I will ever fully get over, it's been burned into my being and sometimes I feel in a very real way I have a form of PTSD.

Tim Tom... .that about sums it up for me, too!

[Deeno02]

It is what it is I guess. I went a complete 7 months without seeing her. Now, I see her about 2-3 times aweek at my sons games. I must admitt, its a bit rough at times, but not life altering. I think about her often, doubt myself on occasion and wonder if it still all was my fault. Guess thats all part of the grieving plan I suppose. Im really not even sure what I miss about her anymore but I think its more to do with my fear of being alone more than anything. I for sure dont want that damn abuse anymore.

[tim_tom]

It is what it is I guess. I went a complete 7 months without seeing her. Now, I see her about 2-3 times aweek at my sons games. I must admitt, its a bit rough at times, but not life altering. I think about her often, doubt myself on occasion and wonder if it still all was my fault. Guess thats all part of the grieving plan I suppose. Im really not even sure what I miss about her anymore but I think its more to do with my fear of being alone more than anything. I for sure dont want that damn abuse anymore.

One of the toughest things for me was going from being engulfed by her to being left alone. She was either constantly by my side, or texting/calling non stop when not. I didn't have a moments peace and it used to drive me crazy sometimes. She was ever present, then gone.

When she left I replaced her with tons of different girls, sometimes just flirting and getting a #, sometimes more but never a relationship. I was doing it cause I couldn't handle being alone anymore, my self worth and identity had gotten caught up in her disorder and when she left it was like being stripped bare and stranded alone in the desert... everything i was and did before her was gone, my life had become all about her. I think I was searching for that beginning idolization again, somehow it had become my primary sense of self worth.

I was in therapy for awhile, I "graduated" therapy when I became ok and content in my life as it stood and I realized I didn't need a new a women or 4 to validate me, that it was ok that this dream I was sold of everlasting love probably wasn't going to happen and it didn't mean I was a failure. I found myself again and didn't need someone else, would it be nice someday to have someone? Sure. But I don't need it the way I thought i did a few months back

[Infared]

It is what it is I guess. I went a complete 7 months without seeing her. Now, I see her about 2-3 times aweek at my sons games. I must admitt, its a bit rough at times, but not life altering. I think about her often, doubt myself on occasion and wonder if it still all was my fault. Guess thats all part of the grieving plan I suppose. Im really not even sure what I miss about her anymore but I think its more to do with my fear of being alone more than anything. I for sure dont want that damn abuse anymore.

One of the toughest things for me was going from being engulfed by her to being left alone. She was either constantly by my side, or texting/calling non stop when not. I didn't have a moments peace and it used to drive me crazy sometimes. She was ever present, then gone.

When she left I replaced her with tons of different girls, sometimes just flirting and getting a #, sometimes more but never a relationship. I was doing it cause I couldn't handle being alone anymore, my self worth and identity had gotten caught up in her disorder and when she left it was like being stripped bare and stranded alone in the desert... everything i was and did before her was gone, my life had become all about her. I think I was searching for that beginning idolization again, somehow it had become my primary sense of self worth.

I was in therapy for awhile, I "graduated" therapy when I became ok and content in my life as it stood and I realized I didn't need a new a women or 4 to validate me, that it was ok that this dream I was sold of everlasting love probably wasn't going to happen and it didn't mean I was a failure. I found myself again and didn't need someone else, would it be nice someday to have someone? Sure. But I don't need it the way I thought i did a few months back

WOW! Tim Tom... .you are playing my tune!... .same with me... .I am so far on the other side now...   I don't date anymore... .   ... .I just watch all the chaos around me... .and just say no... .my life is peaceful, I have lots of friends that I can actually spend time with, have some money in the bank and can pursue exercise, the outdoors and my photography... .

Doubt that I will go back to dating... .life is better this way! 

[tim_tom]

WOW! Tim Tom... .you are playing my tune!... .same with me... .I am so far on the other side now...   I don't date anymore... .   ... .I just watch all the chaos around me... .and just say no... .my life is peaceful, I have lots of friends that I can actually spend time with, have some money in the bank and can pursue exercise, the outdoors and my photography... .

Doubt that I will go back to dating... .life is better this way! 

Completely same page, and I am happy that way. I feel like a man let out of prison and I'm happy not to get back into one. The one thing I wish is that I had more single male friends

And even if I wanted to get involved I'm not sure I am capable anyway, on one side I have a fear of intimacy due to all of this. I've run in the other direction and any sign of anything getting serious. On the other, my exBPD was so head over heels in love with me so quickly that a normal girl acting normally seems disinterested to me. I was chased by my exBPD and didn't have to do anything, now having a girl not chase seems like it means she's not interested and I get dejected and give up (which is easy to do cause of my fear of intimacy)

I'm pretty screwed up when it comes to dating, but I'm ok with that. I'm happy

[Deeno02]

WOW! Tim Tom... .you are playing my tune!... .same with me... .I am so far on the other side now...   I don't date anymore... .   ... .I just watch all the chaos around me... .and just say no... .my life is peaceful, I have lots of friends that I can actually spend time with, have some money in the bank and can pursue exercise, the outdoors and my photography... .

Doubt that I will go back to dating... .life is better this way! 

Completely same page, and I am happy that way. I feel like a man let out of prison and I'm happy not to get back into one. The one thing I wish is that I had more single male friends

And even if I wanted to get involved I'm not sure I am capable anyway, on one side I have a fear of intimacy due to all of this. I've run in the other direction and any sign of anything getting serious. On the other, my exBPD was so head over heels in love with me so quickly that a normal girl acting normally seems disinterested to me. I was chased by my exBPD and didn't have to do anything, now having a girl not chase seems like it means she's not interested and I get dejected and give up (which is easy to do cause of my fear of intimacy)

I'm pretty screwed up when it comes to dating, but I'm ok with that. I'm happy

Yup... .all of the above... .

[m-and-m]

I can agree with most of you... .I am currently being pursued by a few women... .But the honest truth is... .I just cant do another relationship right now, and its been almost a year!... .I was wrecked... .I do admit to being lonely at times... .I had a family and someone was home at all times, now I have a week just by myself. The silence kills me after day 2 .

I have to share this... .I was out with some friends last night, one of them (whom is friends with the ex's ex before me) said "Hey, i heard you really messed with your ex... .so and so said you told her you were taking her on a really nice date and had her get all dressed up... .Then took her to a shrink!"

At first i was kind of upset... .for one reason, I cant stand lies! just cant, and her running her mouth just irritates me!

but it was short lived... .then i replied "Well not true, but I should have!"

[Infared]

I can agree with most of you... .I am currently being pursued by a few women... .But the honest truth is... .I just cant do another relationship right now, and its been almost a year!... .I was wrecked... .I do admit to being lonely at times... .I had a family and someone was home at all times, now I have a week just by myself. The silence kills me after day 2 .

I have to share this... .I was out with some friends last night, one of them (whom is friends with the ex's ex before me) said "Hey, i heard you really messed with your ex... .so and so said you told her you were taking her on a really nice date and had her get all dressed up... .Then took her to a shrink!"

At first i was kind of upset... .for one reason, I cant stand lies! just cant, and her running her mouth just irritates me!

but it was short lived... .then i replied "Well not true, but I should have!"

I guess that they all reinvent the past, too.  It soo sorts out their child's mess for them... .It really is a form of mental illness.