4,5 months out - There is light at the end of the tunnel

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all! It's been a while since I talked about my own issues on this forum, instead reading and sometimes replying on threads from others. I have no intention of leaving anytime soon, as this place is a great form of therapy for me. Hopefully for you as well.

I'm writing this (frankly pretty long) thread to spread some positive feelings, especially to people who just got out of their toxic relationship. Also to show to you fine folks how my progress has been.

First, a small history lesson:

- Been with my undiagnosed exBPDgf for 4,5 years, often on and off again, recycled close to 10 times

- Last year of the relationship we were living together

- Broke up once and for all at the end of november 2014

- After the first few days of relieve I fell into a dark place, like always happened during the off-periods

- She got a replacement in about a month, maybe sooner (can't check that)

- In january I realised I was in a depression, had suicide thoughts during the day

- In february couldn't get myself to work anymore, started therapy and started anti-depressives

- Often bump into her during parties and in the pub, share part of the same friend group, she shows the world through social media how much she is in love with the replacement

- End of february she starts to contact me through text and calling, wants to know if there's still mail for her at my house. I ignore it mostly and when she persist, set firm boundaries

Where I am now

I've been going to therapy the past couple of months and slowly starting to work again (still from home, next week I might go to work one or two days though). The anti-depressives really do their job, I have NO thoughts on suicide anymore.

More importantly, I chose to focus on parts of my life that I rarely did when I was with my ex. Hanging a lot with friends and making new ones. Going out in town. Playing soccer/football with mates. Going to the gym. Driving a car again (didn't do that for 12 years and build up a fear, but now I love it and am saving up for my own car). Enjoying myself playing videogames (its also my work but the past years I lost interest slowly). I am learning how to enjoy myself, be happy with myself, I am often alone but not lonely. This is key.

I feel so much better than in the first couple of months. Everybody here told me that the wounds were still fresh and that it took time to grieve, I believed them but I just couldn't see it; the pain just felt like it would go on forever. I am here to tell you that it will NOT go on forever. As long as you put in the effort to FEEL your pain, to go right through it, you will heal. I am glad that I didn't go straight for a new relationship in the first few months (unlike my ex). I wouldn't have been a good partner and I wouldn't have had the time to heal.

Am I completely healed? Not by a long shot. I still have bad moments, especially in the morning, but I never have complete bad days anymore. It feels like a victory. I don't dream about my ex every night anymore. I am still getting used to not having to answer my actions to someone all the time. Freedom is scary at first. I am still not fully working, but thankfully my manager has given me this time to really fix myself and I hope to keep on the progress in work I am making again.

On to dating

Now, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, of course. So I started dating a month ago. I met this really nice, kind and ADULT girl that I can talk with, that I love to hang out with, that I have been to diner with a few times. We kiss and touch, but I don't go all the way as of yet. I am not ready. I am also not sure I am ready for a real relationship again. I am not fully healed and I still think about my ex.

However, I am clear about this to the new girl. I am honest. She respects it. If she would decide that she is done waiting for the next step, I wouldn't hold any grudges. If she decides to wait (together with me), and just enjoy what we have right now, then perfect.

Its so weird to hang out with a normal person after the BPD-relationship. I don't have to tell her what I'm doing constantly and she won't get mad if I don't have time. On the flipside, she isn't totally obsessed with me or telling me how great I am constantly. BPD do that in their idealization phase. It takes some getting used to and I'm not sure if I can fall in love with her , because I am so used to someone idealizing me. We will see.

And the ex?

I don't really know what's up in the life of my ex. I know I've started to avoid the places she hangs out, so I haven't seen her in over a month. She is still with the replacement, I know that. But I also know that the absence, the fact that she has no way of knowing what I'm up to and not seeing me for so long, is doing something to her. I was blocked on Whatsapp, see, and a week or so ago she unblocked me again. Then she added me to her adress book, apparently, because a few days ago I suddenly could see her profile pic and status. Then tonight, blocked again. It tells me takes the effort to sometimes unblock me and sometimes block me, and that tells me she still has me on her mind sometimes.

But I have to tell you all, this is the only thing I'm doing right now that is wrong. If I were healed more, I wouldn't check out if I was blocked, I wouldn't even try to find out if she's still alive. Its my weak spot, I know it, and I'm trying to kick the habit. I am sure that in a few months I'm even more healed and I can say goodbye to this last thread that binds me to her. And if she ever reaches out again? Forget about it. I won't have any of that.

Conclusion

My fellow survivors, I hope you can get something from this story, as much as it helps me to type it out. Know that in time, you will be healed. You will probably carry the scars for the rest of your life, but in time (I'm not there yet) you will wear them with honor, and they will help you find healthy connections in life and cut the toxic connections. I've truly felt that I've been through hell and back, as many of you have felt or are currently feeling. It WILL get better. All you need to do is ride it out and think only about yourself. Be strong and don't let the BPDex in your life again. He/she will try to destroy the remaining part of your soul. They won't really rest until they know they've destroyed you completely, so their old supply can't run off and make someone else happy. You were their toy, and no one else is allowed to play with you. Well, make a stand. You are not a toy, you are a person, and YOU decide what you do with your life. Not they. Take your power back, and do it in every way you can. If you need to post here every day, do that. If you need therapy or pills, get on with it. Do whatever it takes. Survive. I'm surviving. If I can, you can. Absolutely, no question about it. Go on and live life! We're finally able to.

[CloseToFreedom]

Hi all! It's been a while since I talked about my own issues on this forum, instead reading and sometimes replying on threads from others. I have no intention of leaving anytime soon, as this place is a great form of therapy for me. Hopefully for you as well.

I'm writing this (frankly pretty long) thread to spread some positive feelings, especially to people who just got out of their toxic relationship. Also to show to you fine folks how my progress has been.

First, a small history lesson:

- Been with my undiagnosed exBPDgf for 4,5 years, often on and off again, recycled close to 10 times

- Last year of the relationship we were living together

- Broke up once and for all at the end of november 2014

- After the first few days of relieve I fell into a dark place, like always happened during the off-periods

- She got a replacement in about a month, maybe sooner (can't check that)

- In january I realised I was in a depression, had suicide thoughts during the day

- In february couldn't get myself to work anymore, started therapy and started anti-depressives

- Often bump into her during parties and in the pub, share part of the same friend group, she shows the world through social media how much she is in love with the replacement

- End of february she starts to contact me through text and calling, wants to know if there's still mail for her at my house. I ignore it mostly and when she persist, set firm boundaries

Where I am now

I've been going to therapy the past couple of months and slowly starting to work again (still from home, next week I might go to work one or two days though). The anti-depressives really do their job, I have NO thoughts on suicide anymore.

More importantly, I chose to focus on parts of my life that I rarely did when I was with my ex. Hanging a lot with friends and making new ones. Going out in town. Playing soccer/football with mates. Going to the gym. Driving a car again (didn't do that for 12 years and build up a fear, but now I love it and am saving up for my own car). Enjoying myself playing videogames (its also my work but the past years I lost interest slowly). I am learning how to enjoy myself, be happy with myself, I am often alone but not lonely. This is key.

I feel so much better than in the first couple of months. Everybody here told me that the wounds were still fresh and that it took time to grieve, I believed them but I just couldn't see it; the pain just felt like it would go on forever. I am here to tell you that it will NOT go on forever. As long as you put in the effort to FEEL your pain, to go right through it, you will heal. I am glad that I didn't go straight for a new relationship in the first few months (unlike my ex). I wouldn't have been a good partner and I wouldn't have had the time to heal.

Am I completely healed? Not by a long shot. I still have bad moments, especially in the morning, but I never have complete bad days anymore. It feels like a victory. I don't dream about my ex every night anymore. I am still getting used to not having to answer my actions to someone all the time. Freedom is scary at first. I am still not fully working, but thankfully my manager has given me this time to really fix myself and I hope to keep on the progress in work I am making again.

On to dating

Now, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, of course. So I started dating a month ago. I met this really nice, kind and ADULT girl that I can talk with, that I love to hang out with, that I have been to diner with a few times. We kiss and touch, but I don't go all the way as of yet. I am not ready. I am also not sure I am ready for a real relationship again. I am not fully healed and I still think about my ex.

However, I am clear about this to the new girl. I am honest. She respects it. If she would decide that she is done waiting for the next step, I wouldn't hold any grudges. If she decides to wait (together with me), and just enjoy what we have right now, then perfect.

Its so weird to hang out with a normal person after the BPD-relationship. I don't have to tell her what I'm doing constantly and she won't get mad if I don't have time. On the flipside, she isn't totally obsessed with me or telling me how great I am constantly. BPD do that in their idealization phase. It takes some getting used to and I'm not sure if I can fall in love with her , because I am so used to someone idealizing me. We will see.

And the ex?

I don't really know what's up in the life of my ex. I know I've started to avoid the places she hangs out, so I haven't seen her in over a month. She is still with the replacement, I know that. But I also know that the absence, the fact that she has no way of knowing what I'm up to and not seeing me for so long, is doing something to her. I was blocked on Whatsapp, see, and a week or so ago she unblocked me again. Then she added me to her adress book, apparently, because a few days ago I suddenly could see her profile pic and status. Then tonight, blocked again. It tells me takes the effort to sometimes unblock me and sometimes block me, and that tells me she still has me on her mind sometimes.

But I have to tell you all, this is the only thing I'm doing right now that is wrong. If I were healed more, I wouldn't check out if I was blocked, I wouldn't even try to find out if she's still alive. Its my weak spot, I know it, and I'm trying to kick the habit. I am sure that in a few months I'm even more healed and I can say goodbye to this last thread that binds me to her. And if she ever reaches out again? Forget about it. I won't have any of that.

Conclusion

My fellow survivors, I hope you can get something from this story, as much as it helps me to type it out. Know that in time, you will be healed. You will probably carry the scars for the rest of your life, but in time (I'm not there yet) you will wear them with honor, and they will help you find healthy connections in life and cut the toxic connections. I've truly felt that I've been through hell and back, as many of you have felt or are currently feeling. It WILL get better. All you need to do is ride it out and think only about yourself. Be strong and don't let the BPDex in your life again. He/she will try to destroy the remaining part of your soul. They won't really rest until they know they've destroyed you completely, so their old supply can't run off and make someone else happy. You were their toy, and no one else is allowed to play with you. Well, make a stand. You are not a toy, you are a person, and YOU decide what you do with your life. Not they. Take your power back, and do it in every way you can. If you need to post here every day, do that. If you need therapy or pills, get on with it. Do whatever it takes. Survive. I'm surviving. If I can, you can. Absolutely, no question about it. Go on and live life! We're finally able to.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

CloseToFreedom, kudos to you!  You are reaping the rewards of your hard work.  Your willingness to know you needed help, see a therapist, get on the meds, waiting to date and then taking it slowly when you did, facing your fears about driving and getting back in the driver seat.  Time didn't heal you.  You healed you.  Because time itself doesn't heal;  the actions we take within the context of time heal us.  You made use of your time by taking a lot of bold action.  CONGRATS on a kicka@# job!

[arlers]

Many thanks for your post re recovery. I was. Also in the same place and still am - slowly healing. I split with my undiagnosed exBPD 2 yrs ago now but recycled a few times. Saw her last Nov 2014 and have kept no contact since then - nerarly 5 months. It's the best move I ever made. I do pass by her house to get to my work 3 times a week in hthe car but I stay away. Of course she has a replacement there 24.7 which I find incredible! Clearly her partner has no life of her own anymore, although she runs her own business in a town 3 hours away! Yes this really hurts. It's a uniquely painful break up but I know I am doing the right thing - going THROUGH the pain, keeping out of fixes. I am also slowly rebuilding my life - getting out, meeting new people, pursuing MY interests, not HERS. She was SO controlling and domineering and I was so besotted! Yes, thank you for pointing out we can come through this TOGETHER. Thanks so much for this outlet and support. Of course, I still think of her but its getting less and one day I hope to be over her and on my way again. All the best to all.

[CloseToFreedom]

I hope you all can do the same. Start living your life, for YOU, not for anyone else. Feeling crap while doing it? Fake it until you make it.