Does BPD become more pronounced as someone ages?

[sbr1050]

I was involved with someone for 18 years and only in the last 1-2 years did I realize that he was BPD. He stormed out this past December (came unhinged when, after I carried heavy furniture and boxes past him, I told him he could have been more of a gentleman and helped me. He flew in to a rage, told me I am a Fu&@ing B&tch and he is terrified of me).  For the first 3 months, I was not sad that he left.  But in March, it hit me and I have been trying to deal with all my emotions since then.

His past relationships did not send up any red flags to me. He is now 62.  Was married and had a child - she had an affair and left him for another man (who, 40 years later, she is still married to), one Rebound marriage, and then a marriage to a woman he had 2 children with.  The last wife died of breast cancer when the girls were small.  She had a lengthy illness and he and I met six months after she had died.  Our relationship was 18 years and a roller coaster the entire time.  He blamed me for everything that was wrong (or what he perceived as wrong) in the relationship. I didn't do enough for him, I didn't give him enough sex (daily wasn't enough), I didn't do enough for his kids, I wanted too much out of life, I was difficult to live with, I spent too much (of my!) money, etc, etc.  There was some physical abuse in the beginning but primarily it was emotional and verbal abuse.  When I read about BPD, there is not one doubt that this is what he has.  But, I still find it hard not to blame myself.

I recently found out that a 23 year old girl he had originally fixed his nephew up with is now HIS girlfriend.  Finding this out shook me to the core.  He had, I believe, been having an emotional affair with her for a year prior to his leaving me.  In the four months since he stormed out, he's moved her into his house, she's given up two jobs already (one as a lifeguard - he probably didn't want her being oogled by other men - and the other one at a veterinary hospital).  He's taken her on trips to Florida, twice.  Now she is working with him everyday (training to be a farrier).  She rides to jobs with him on his lap, while his daughter or other male assistant drives.  She is a whiney brat, that is demanding when she wants something and is very opinionated.  The 23 year old has never paid her own car insurance.  For 18 years I was hassled about my opinions, my wants, how I spent my money, how he didn't want to support me, etc. (I have a highly successful business).

This behavior is not consistant with the man I knew.  The man I knew for 18 years had high standards and values.  He always treated others (except me) in a kind, caring way.  He would never have been as wildly inappropriate as he is acting now. He would not have tolerated this juvenile behavior and definitely would not have been acting this juvenile himself.  Most people have thought of him as a stand up, sensitive, caring guy that they respect very highly.  On paper, one would say - "Well, his first wife left him.  He had a rebound marriage of 6 months, was married to the woman he loved and even took care of her until she passed away.  THen he met a younger woman, who raised his children, and was with her for 18 years.  All very reasonable and normal."  

I just can't connect the way he treated me and what he is chasing now.  It makes no sense to me.

A part of me says, maybe it really was all me that was wrong. I just can't shake that feeling, tho I know I did everything humanly possible to try and make it work.  No one else knows about what  I went thru except close family and friends.   The other part of me wonders if the wife that died of cancer, died because she was a victim of his BPD also.   On the outside, he appears so normal.

Does BPD become more pronounced as people age?  How could he get this far in life and still look so normal?

[Lucky Jim]

A part of me says, maybe it really was all me that was wrong. I just can't shake that feeling, tho I know I did everything humanly possible to try and make it work.  No one else knows about what  I went thru except close family and friends.

No, it wasn't you, and the sooner you admit that to yourself the sooner you will start to heal.  You didn't cause your Ex to get BPD, which is an extremely complex and elusive disorder.

I agree w/you that others have a hard time comprehending what one goes through in a BPD r/s, in my view for two reasons: (1) a pwBPD is very good at creating a public persona that hides the dark side of his/her personality; and (2) most people have no frame of reference for BPD because it is so far removed from anything they have experienced in their own emotional lives.

I think you have to accept that, try as they might, others will never really understand what a r/s with a pwBPD is like.

LuckyJim

[Maternus]

I recently found out that a 23 year old girl he had originally fixed his nephew up with is now HIS girlfriend.  Finding this out shook me to the core.  He had, I believe, been having an emotional affair with her for a year prior to his leaving me.  In the four months since he stormed out, he's moved her into his house, she's given up two jobs already (one as a lifeguard - he probably didn't want her being oogled by other men - and the other one at a veterinary hospital).  He's taken her on trips to Florida, twice.  Now she is working with him everyday (training to be a farrier).  She rides to jobs with him on his lap, while his daughter or other male assistant drives.  She is a whiney brat, that is demanding when she wants something and is very opinionated.  The 23 year old has never paid her own car insurance.  For 18 years I was hassled about my opinions, my wants, how I spent my money, how he didn't want to support me, etc. (I have a highly successful business).

Sounds like this 23 old girl is somewhat BPD, too. Maybe he finally found what he deserves?

[Sofie]

Does BPD become more pronounced as people age?  How could he get this far in life and still look so normal?

Contrary to what one can read from many sources, I think that untreated people with BPD rarely become better with age. From my experience with having aging BPD/NPD family members, their symptoms just change and some of the most pronounced and stereotypical hallmarks of BPD - hypersexuality, reckless behaviour, etc - often just transform to less extrovert, but no less harmful, BPD traits such as hermit behaviour, over-eating, etc.

Why? Simply because much of the behaviour stereotypically associated with BPD simply cannot be kept up as they age - a woman who is 60 years old can rarely use her sexuality to get attention, for instance, in the same way that a woman of 20 can. This "transformation of traits" often falsely, I think, leads a casual observer to believe that BPD gets better with age. My BPD/NPD mom of almost 70 is just as ill as she's always been - she has just gotten older and with aging, the symptoms of her disorder have changed. BPD never improves or goes away magically - even if it may appear so from the outside.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I think with my ex the answer would be yes. We were together for 9.5 years. The first time I recognized odd behaviors was 4.5 years ago. I couldn't attribute them to BPD because she was always loving toward me after we got back together from a 4 month break, and I had never heard of BPD. But after a protracted court case with her exH, she changed on a dime. I believe it actually began at New Years when her mother asked her if we were in a lesbian relationship. She never told me the contents of the conversation, but her behavior started to be like it had been back in 2010. I am sure her mother triggered it, and I think the enmeshment she has with her mother, she took out on me. She is 46.5 years old. If she had been an ounce like this 10 years ago I'd have only said adios... .

[ReluctantSurvivor]

From what I have seen untreated BPD is a snowball of dysfunction and unresolved trauma.  The pwBPD's poor behavior leads to more and more shame that they are unable to process and release in a healthy manner.  All of this just adds to their already wounded soul driving them back to more unhealthy coping mechanisms that create more chaos and shame.  I think that their only chance at stability is finding an enabler to use as a whipping post, short of that they will jump from one trainwreck to the next until they are a total wreck.  The only hope for a BPD is self awareness, persistent therapy and their willingness to put their own blood, sweat and tears into that therapy.

[ACL]

I’ve been with my 46yo BPDgf for almost 10 years. We live together and I have been quite patient and mature about her flare-ups and destructive behaviors. I have been very supportive, have validated her feelings on many occasions (however detached from reality they may be) and also drawn a very clear line.

I very rarely fall for the drama and engage in crazy rounds of discussions or text messages. I mean… they are endless and she comes up with things that you can’t possibly respond to. I re-engage when she becomes calm and constructive.

In the past three years or so I have seen a very pronounced improvement in her.

Things that would send her through the roof don’t do so anymore (for the most) and we can many times engage in difficult conversations or situations without much drama. 

However, here’s the problem. Even though her flare-ups are more apart and perhaps less intense or crazy, I just have no skin and patience left. I tend to flow for many smaller things but some flare-ups or destructive behaviors I just don’t take anymore.  People that don’t know what I’ve gone through may believe I may be too picky or hyper-sensible. The thing is that I am exhausted of all the drama and craziness. 

For a time I thought she was getting so much better that I could cope with the eventual bout of anger and craziness but I am realizing I just don’t want this anymore, especially if it takes “validating her feelings” at the expense of my own to make her feel better.

[Loosestrife]

I’ve been with my 46yo BPDgf for almost 10 years. We live together and I have been quite patient and mature about her flare-ups and destructive behaviors. I have been very supportive, have validated her feelings on many occasions (however detached from reality they may be) and also drawn a very clear line.

I very rarely fall for the drama and engage in crazy rounds of discussions or text messages. I mean… they are endless and she comes up with things that you can’t possibly respond to. I re-engage when she becomes calm and constructive.

In the past three years or so I have seen a very pronounced improvement in her.

Things that would send her through the roof don’t do so anymore (for the most) and we can many times engage in difficult conversations or situations without much drama. 

However, here’s the problem. Even though her flare-ups are more apart and perhaps less intense or crazy, I just have no skin and patience left. I tend to flow for many smaller things but some flare-ups or destructive behaviors I just don’t take anymore.  People that don’t know what I’ve gone through may believe I may be too picky or hyper-sensible. The thing is that I am exhausted of all the drama and craziness. 

For a time I thought she was getting so much better that I could cope with the eventual bout of anger and craziness but I am realizing I just don’t want this anymore, especially if it takes “validating her feelings” at the expense of my own to make her feel better.

Thanks for this. I feel like this after 2 years, I can't imagine how I will feel after 10! Have you got a plan?

[Dutched]

My experience after a 30+ yrs. is that it becomes more pronounced, behaviour gets worse by age.

All clinical data available concluding that which age the BPD gets ‘better’, become dormant, is solely based on the population of patients once treated for the disorder.

Most, maybe even all, patients as mentioned weren’t able to function well in society, therefore needed professional treatment.

 

As many (ex)partners on this board describe, the SO is not diagnosed, (mostly) functioning on a certain level, able to maintain a longer r/s, having steady jobs, etc.

It is known, referring to Randi Kreger (professional member of this board), the more high functioning pwBPD are in denial, blaming the partner for all problems, showing their behaviour only toward those closest to them, etc.

[Lucky Jim]

However, here’s the problem. Even though her flare-ups are more apart and perhaps less intense or crazy, I just have no skin and patience left. I tend to flow for many smaller things but some flare-ups or destructive behaviors I just don’t take anymore.  People that don’t know what I’ve gone through may believe I may be too picky or hyper-sensible. The thing is that I am exhausted of all the drama and craziness. 

Hey ACL, I can relate.  I generally have a tremendous amount of patience but acquired a "short fuse" with my BPDxW after too many episodes of rage and abuse.  I became hyper vigilant to warning signs that a BPD "storm" might be brewing and would put on my armor in advance.  My tolerance became lower and lower for chaos and turmoil on the part of my BPDxW.

LuckyJim