I have been told BPD possible diagnosis from counselor

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have been struggling with my daughter for years now regarding problems at school and her and I not getting along.  Back in second grade, her teacher called me at work to tell me that my daughter had crumbled up a progress report and thew in the trash. That report was wupposed to go home. She also acted very non shalant when the teacher was advising her of another issue.  Teachers commented that she was always very social.  Sixth grade when she went into middle school with 6,7, and 8 grade was when more trouble started.  In sixth grade she got sent to in school detention.  Kids were horsing around in art class and a kid treated to stab her with a pencil.  She egged him on and said do it.  He did. All the kids involved were called into the office and told the principle that my daughter deserved it because their was a long pencil mark on the boys jacket(like she had struck him) and egged him on.

The next year 7th grade I got a call from the principal about my daughter stabbing a piece of meat in the cafeteria telling another student to give her an f-ing cookie.  When the principal confronted her it did not phase her.  She tried to lie and say she didnt do that. 

Got another call that year about her hitting another girl standing in the lunch line.  My daughter tried to lie about the incident right in front of the principal.  The principal did not buy her story and gave her another in school detention. 

8th grade was a bad year, but there were no big calls from the principal.

Freshman year, my daughter got involved with this other girl that I had a gut feeling about was bad.  When she was around this girl it seemed like she was more disobiedient.  I also did not like the girl's appearance. (I know that I am probably too judemental.  Come to find out I found e-mail that were sexual in nature and my daughter sent her a picture of herself naked from the waist up.  The other girl has identified as lesbian.  My daughter is not.  I had a great deal of discussion with my daughter about this behavior. 

My daughter was caught at a gas station accross from the school stealing some Midal.  She was sent to the juvenile detention center. 

With advise from my parents I tried to get my daughter enrolled into a private christian school hoping to change her behavior.  We had to go in and be interviewed by the principal and advisor.  My daughter had to write essays about goals and role of religion in her life.  She wrote two good essays which I approved of but in the interview she switched them to very bad essays about how she believed in Satan and would do her best to fail there.  You can't imagine how shocked and upset I was.  She didn't get in there needless to say. 

Next year she went back to her original high school.  My husband and I constantly encouraged school work and musical activities.  My daughter risisted a lot.  We had numerous talks that lasted a long time.  There were times that we really had to get angry and express our feelings about her behavior.  We had her in counseling from about 7th grade through her Junior year. 

One night, I was arguing with her about doing her homework.  She was very upset and raising her voice with me and being critical. Also talking about athiesm and not believing in God.  Dad just brought our son home from his activity.  I asked Dad to help me since our daughter had me in tears and would not do her work.  They start arguing about athiesm.  Our daughter ends up out in back of our house screaming that she is leaving.  She is in an open field with no shoes on.  I am begging her to come back inside.  I asked her to calm down.  My husband came out and pulls her to the ground on top of him.  She continues to scream and he was trying to get her to be quiet.  He dropped some dirt in her mouth.  In retrospect he and I both know that he shouldn't have touched her.  My husband calls the police to get help because she was still leaving after he let her up.  The police end up arresting my husband.  I called my mother to come get my daughter because I didn't want to sent her somewhere else. My mother came in and got her and also begged the police not to arrest my husband.  The police told her that needed to believe my daughter and that we were all wrong.  My mother continues to hold this over my head.

Since that time, my daughter went to live with her grandparents.  I have been called out there a couple time and screamed at by my mother, father, and daughter after accusations of abuse. My father downgraded and demeaned my husband in front of her.  My daughter also accused my husband of sexual abuse.  This was investigated by the police and child protective services and determined unfounded.  I had lie detector test on my husband and he was determined honest that he had not done this.  I forgot to mention that my daughters senior year in high school she almost got expelled for telling some other students that the music teacher was flirting and groped her at the prom. 

My daughter lived with my parents for about a year and a half.  They were not in favor of counseling and fought me tooth and nail about this.  Not until child protective services got involved was she in counseling again.  After she graduation she went to a community college and we paid tuition and paid for an apartment that she was sharing with another friend.  About two months before her first semester was over she met this guy and moved in with him and his mother without telling us.  I heard from her room mate that she was skipping class and probably did not complete the first semester.  Last month she got married to this man who is thirty years old and has an eight year old son.  She is eighteen.  She is not in school and does not have a job.  I am very, very heartbroken and confused.  My parents say that they have no sympathy for me and I am getting what I deserve.  My husband and I are too blame.

[Seymour1989]

I have been struggling with my daughter for years now regarding problems at school and her and I not getting along.  Back in second grade, her teacher called me at work to tell me that my daughter had crumbled up a progress report and thew in the trash. That report was wupposed to go home. She also acted very non shalant when the teacher was advising her of another issue.  Teachers commented that she was always very social.  Sixth grade when she went into middle school with 6,7, and 8 grade was when more trouble started.  In sixth grade she got sent to in school detention.  Kids were horsing around in art class and a kid treated to stab her with a pencil.  She egged him on and said do it.  He did. All the kids involved were called into the office and told the principle that my daughter deserved it because their was a long pencil mark on the boys jacket(like she had struck him) and egged him on.

The next year 7th grade I got a call from the principal about my daughter stabbing a piece of meat in the cafeteria telling another student to give her an f-ing cookie.  When the principal confronted her it did not phase her.  She tried to lie and say she didnt do that. 

Got another call that year about her hitting another girl standing in the lunch line.  My daughter tried to lie about the incident right in front of the principal.  The principal did not buy her story and gave her another in school detention. 

8th grade was a bad year, but there were no big calls from the principal.

Freshman year, my daughter got involved with this other girl that I had a gut feeling about was bad.  When she was around this girl it seemed like she was more disobiedient.  I also did not like the girl's appearance. (I know that I am probably too judemental.  Come to find out I found e-mail that were sexual in nature and my daughter sent her a picture of herself naked from the waist up.  The other girl has identified as lesbian.  My daughter is not.  I had a great deal of discussion with my daughter about this behavior. 

My daughter was caught at a gas station accross from the school stealing some Midal.  She was sent to the juvenile detention center. 

With advise from my parents I tried to get my daughter enrolled into a private christian school hoping to change her behavior.  We had to go in and be interviewed by the principal and advisor.  My daughter had to write essays about goals and role of religion in her life.  She wrote two good essays which I approved of but in the interview she switched them to very bad essays about how she believed in Satan and would do her best to fail there.  You can't imagine how shocked and upset I was.  She didn't get in there needless to say. 

Next year she went back to her original high school.  My husband and I constantly encouraged school work and musical activities.  My daughter risisted a lot.  We had numerous talks that lasted a long time.  There were times that we really had to get angry and express our feelings about her behavior.  We had her in counseling from about 7th grade through her Junior year. 

One night, I was arguing with her about doing her homework.  She was very upset and raising her voice with me and being critical. Also talking about athiesm and not believing in God.  Dad just brought our son home from his activity.  I asked Dad to help me since our daughter had me in tears and would not do her work.  They start arguing about athiesm.  Our daughter ends up out in back of our house screaming that she is leaving.  She is in an open field with no shoes on.  I am begging her to come back inside.  I asked her to calm down.  My husband came out and pulls her to the ground on top of him.  She continues to scream and he was trying to get her to be quiet.  He dropped some dirt in her mouth.  In retrospect he and I both know that he shouldn't have touched her.  My husband calls the police to get help because she was still leaving after he let her up.  The police end up arresting my husband.  I called my mother to come get my daughter because I didn't want to sent her somewhere else. My mother came in and got her and also begged the police not to arrest my husband.  The police told her that needed to believe my daughter and that we were all wrong.  My mother continues to hold this over my head.

Since that time, my daughter went to live with her grandparents.  I have been called out there a couple time and screamed at by my mother, father, and daughter after accusations of abuse. My father downgraded and demeaned my husband in front of her.  My daughter also accused my husband of sexual abuse.  This was investigated by the police and child protective services and determined unfounded.  I had lie detector test on my husband and he was determined honest that he had not done this.  I forgot to mention that my daughters senior year in high school she almost got expelled for telling some other students that the music teacher was flirting and groped her at the prom. 

My daughter lived with my parents for about a year and a half.  They were not in favor of counseling and fought me tooth and nail about this.  Not until child protective services got involved was she in counseling again.  After she graduation she went to a community college and we paid tuition and paid for an apartment that she was sharing with another friend.  About two months before her first semester was over she met this guy and moved in with him and his mother without telling us.  I heard from her room mate that she was skipping class and probably did not complete the first semester.  Last month she got married to this man who is thirty years old and has an eight year old son.  She is eighteen.  She is not in school and does not have a job.  I am very, very heartbroken and confused.  My parents say that they have no sympathy for me and I am getting what I deserve.  My husband and I are too blame.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[meantcorn34]

I'm so sorry for you and your daughter. Painful for the whole family. It seems to me that all you can do is work on learning the skills on the side of this page so that you'll be able to relate to your daughter better should she choose to contact you. It's so hard to watch our adult children make their own mistakes, and realize we can only be there to offer our support if they ask for it.

Better heads than mine will respond and go into more about validation, boundaries, etc. I just wanted to reach out to you in the meantime.

[lbjnltx]

Hello Seymour1989 

Welcome to the Parenting Board!  We are glad that  you joined us here and are telling your story.  I'm sorry to hear that your daughter has been struggling for so long and that you have been too.

The turbulent adolescent years of a child with BPD is something that most of us here have gone through.  It really takes a toll on our families and relationships.  As our child's behaviors and poor choices escalate our efforts to intervene and protect them do as well and the outcome is rarely positive.  We, as parents, become lost in the FOG (fear obligation guilt) and our decisions and reactions while attempts to help seem to make things worse.  It is all so very frustrating.

Having a proposed diagnoses and learning about the disorder and how it is affecting our children's behaviors, choices, and belief systems is a starting place for positive change for us.

You mention in your title that a counselor proposed BPD as a diagnoses for your daughter.  Is this counselor someone you see? Or your daughter?

The relationship you describe with your parents is heartbreaking.  The blame shifting, lack of empathy, and denial may be rooted in their own fears.  It is difficult to admit when someone you love is mentally ill, some family members see this as a reflection of themselves.

Seymour, you have many broken relationships that can be mended over time and through skills.  The most important skill is self care. You can read more about that here.  We must take care of ourselves and be in a healthy relationship with self to be in the best state to learn new ways of communicating with others (especially those who are highly emotional).

How do you take care of yourself?  Have you and your husband been able to stand united through these storms?

How long has it been since you have talked with or seen your daughter? 

I also have an 18 year old daughter that has suffered with BPD since age 12.  I know of your pain and fears, your broken dreams, and the hope you struggle to hold onto.



lbj

[swampped]

Dear Seymour1989:  Now this is spooky.  I was up very early this morning, saw your post and thought I'd post something brief, hoping that somebody like lbjnltx would come along and do it right.  So I wrote a soap opera with all of the stuff we have gone through with our uBPD x dil, carefully explaining abbreviations, etc.  A masterpiece, methinks, and soon lbjnltx will be along to do the real thing.  I did a couple of posts on the other board, came back to check to see if you were on line, and the ether had eaten my soliloquy, and there was lbjnltx right where she belongs!   So I will spare you the soliloquy, and welcome you to this wonderful community.   Please do take care of yourself.  Life with a pwBPD, especially a child, is a long rocky ride, and you need to be sure to put your oxygen mask on first!  You will be in my thoughts and prayers.  The rest will be off in the ether.  Blessings!   Swampped

[livednlearned]

Hi Seymour,

I wanted to join the others in welcoming you to the site. Living with and loving someone who is BPD can be very disorienting and emotionally traumatizing. It can also be a lifechanging experience as you learn the skills and tools that will help you stay grounded and understand what your daughter suffers from.

My son also pronounced he was atheist and it has been challenging. I am learning to set aside those feelings and accept that he feels strongly the way he does. Otherwise, we went around in circles. It felt like our different beliefs was becoming a metaphor for the emotional divide and I was willing to sacrifice what made us different so I could learn to connect with him. The skills here, like validation, setting boundaries, self care and wise mind -- these will help you build something that your relationship with your daughter can rest on. They are the foundation. Everything else, like the religious beliefs your D holds, those come later.

Lesson 1 on the sidebar to the right, about the emotional limitations of BPD, is a helpful starting point. Have you read anything about BPD after learning your D might suffer from it?

Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so, and let us know how things are going for you. This is a compassionate site with many wonderful educational resources. And when you try some of the skills, it's helpful having a group of people who understand what you're going through. I'm glad you found us -- you're not alone.



LnL

[ChloeK]

Hi Seymour,

So sorry to read all that you have been going through with your dau. Reminds me so much of the crazy out of control years with my own. The amount of heartbreak is so tangible as I read your message. The struggle of trying to help your dau combined with the agony of having to defend yourselves to the very people that you would hope would help and to have those that block getting substantial help or therapy is beyond frustrating! I am new here also but agree there is a lot of information that can help you work through this time. When my ex husband pulled my dau out of her treatment at 16 I feared there was no hope and had become the blame and target for all that ailed her. I felt so alienated and so afraid for her and the consequences of any decisions she may make. Working with the concepts of radical acceptance and detaching with love we're saving for me. I encourage you to read all you can and work through helping yourself heal from all the horrendous you have been through with your daughter. In my experience relationships often do not work well for our kids in the long run and especially at 18 it is hard to have the skills in the best of circumstances to make a marriage last let alone with the immaturity and emotional dysregulation our kids struggle with. Only time will tell... .But if things change you will not only be in a better position to have a relationship with your dau you will be stronger in yourself. Hang in there!