Joy in the present, brings grief from the past

[rebl.brown]

I just needed to share with a group of people who understand how I'm feeling tonight.  My first grandchild was born yesterday.  All is well, he is beautiful and the parents loving and happy.  It's been such a happy two days.  It always seems that when ever there is a major life event like this my thoughts inevitably drift for a bit to my BPDmother.  I've been no contact for more than a decade.  She was never there for any life events, not the birth of my children, no achievements or graduations.  I've been very blessed but that sadness at what might have been and the grief from such loss comes back.  Its hard leaving the old behaviors, anxiety and fear even panic and terror behind.  They surface when there are things like this.  It is so strange what trauma will do to you.  Anyway, I just wanted to say it out loud to someone.  Now, I'm going to enjoy that little baby.  We only have today.

[losthero]

Dear Rebel.brown, Congratulations on your new grandbaby!   I understand how monumental moments in our lives stir up some grief issues in us.  I look at ourselves as an opportunity to put and end to some familial dysfunction in order to help our future generations.  Your mom was unable to be a good mom and grandma to you and your kids, but you will be able to be a much better mom and grandparent to your family.   Im sorry you didnt have the support you needed in life.  I too am trying to figure out how this whole mother and grandmother thing works.  from your posts I can tell you are a beautiful person and you are doing a great job.   now enjoy your beautiful grandbaby!,

[HappyChappy]

Congratulations on a grandchild Mrs Brown. I've been NC for a year and a bit, so congratulations on 10 years also. I think the minute we realise we have a BPD mom, we have to grieve the loss of the mother we think we should have had. So totaly understand how you feel. But sounds like your future is bright. All the best. 

[Leaving]

Congratulations!  So glad to hear that the baby is healthy.

I understand your feelings and why your grand baby's birth conjured up painful memories. I'm sorry that you were not loved by your mother.  I do know how that feels and how seeing your grand baby would leave you wondering how in the world a mother could treat her beautiful daughter as your mother did.    I hope that you will be able to create new childhood memories through your experiences with your grandchildren.  I know it's not the same and that what's lost is lost forever but I do think it's possible to nurture our inner child even as adults.  Enjoy this time together, count your blessings and be proud that you can love despite being deprived of it for so long. 

It's kind of ironic that you posted this message today because earlier I was watching the children play across the street and they were laughing and falling all over the ground. The brother was so sweet to his little sister.  He held her up in his arms so that she could toss the basketball into the hoop.  They appeared to be so full of love and free from worry and stress.  I tried to recall a moment in my own childhood that was completely innocent and free from stress, relaxed and happy and I couldn't think of one. Every memory I have of a good time is stained with a bad memory of and feeling about my mother.

[rebl.brown]

Thanks for the very kind words

[isilme]

Congrats on the new addition to the family

I understand a little what you are saying.  I tend to get very weepy when people are nice to me.  It can be something as simple as co workers getting me a birthday cake and singing to me - I want to cry.  Because people who have no obligation to be more than polite did something nice.  People who were obligated to love me, take care of me, provide for me, support me, did not do so.  So nice things can make me weepy, because I have conflicting feelings about being happy at the present, but sad it's not my mom or dad doing it.  I have been NC with Dad since he kicked me out at 19 and tried to defame me so no one would help me out (and later stalked me), and Mom off an on since I was 15, the most recent we've spoken was about 6 years ago.  She steals my identity when we talk regularly.  Somehow NC stops her form doing it.

I am getting married for the first time ever in (hopefully) a year.  We are planning to elope to a resort, and not even try to invite anyone, partly because of the cost, partly because his family have become shut-ins and that's its own batch of trouble, but also because it'll be easier to deal with no having my mother there to help me get ready, or share the day.  The only women I know whose mothers were not at their weddings had lost them to death.  Mine, I'd want a restraining order for bother her AND dad.  No generational photos, no mother-daughter moments, and I know I am in my late 30s and not a young girl fresh starting her life, but I still mourn not having stuff like that to have in my life. 

I spent part of my 30th birthday party, organized by very good friends and my now FI, in the bathroom, crying, because none of my biological family was present or remembered.  One friend found me, and told me THEY were my family, not the people with shared DNA. 

It's ok to be melancholy with what you've had in your life.  And you know that new baby is in a good place to start his.