Help please I don't know what to do anymore. Please

[zulu1990]

It’s a bit long story. I am 25 years old in love with my ex 30 years old.  I am lesbian since my teen and boyish type.  I was working with her she was my supervisor and was friend for about 8 months (we were good friends), we usually have a drink after work without any bad intentions I was her confident and she was mine.  She never "loved" a girl.  And I had my girlfriends I mean one I was dating since long and as a friend of mine she knew everything.  One day we went for team camping and we shared room together, on this day we kissed and also had sex, it was awesome but on the same day she fought with me (screaming) just because I didn't let her touch me.  And I told her that can't be possible we work together and I have my girl and she accepted to end everything but on the next day we had sex again and it was the beginning of our "love relationship".  She did everything to make the 2 girls get out of my life (came to fight in front of my house and all type of drama) she was always checking my phone for the first six months.  She was beating me up, screaming and blaming me for everything.  But I tried to make things work.  She didn’t want to have sex anymore she just wanted to hug me and this last for 1 year.  When I told her things that hurt me in my family she compares her life to me and makes me feel miserable.  She also spitted on my face when she was angry.  One day I went out with my friends and I left my car home. I called her to pick me and it was 8.30 am she told me she can’t.  This part I am guilty I replied ‘My ex would have done it for me’.  She came and started a drama and told me that I still love my ex I look at her and made a sarcastic smile.  She punched her car 3 times and screamed hysterically and accelerates her car and made a car accident in front of me.  I was shocked and started to drink alcohol.  On the other hand I was here to take care of her and her family.  But after one month she started to push me away.  Telling me that I am irritating her (even when I am caring) I was still calling her begging her to forgive me, guilt was killing me, if she can at least remain friend.  But without success.  One day I came across her walking with her ex-boyfriend that she dated at university and broke up ( I mean years ago).  I don’t understand and I don’t know what to do it hurts.  Someone help please?  Does all the feeling and things we shared mean ___ to her? I don’t know what to do.

[rg1976]

Hello Zulu.

Welcome!

We can't ever truly understand what is happening in the mind of another person unless they want to share with us, and even then unless they are very sincere and clear with their words, it may not be possible for us to truly know what is in their heart.

I am sorry that you have gone through this pain and are still having pain and are feeling like there is no hope.

It sounds to me like you really tried to make things work with her and even gave up parts of your own life and freedom and perhaps individuality to be with her.

My thoughts are that true love would not have forced you to make such a compromise.

I don't doubt that she loved you in her own way, but it sounds like she is extremely jealous and posessive of you.  That is sometimes sweet, but at the same time, it sounds as though her love for you isn't healthy for either of you.

I know what you are going through is extremely difficult.  I am having the same kind of inner conflict and pain in my life right now, at this exact moment.  I sometimes imagine that it would be better if I were not alive because then I would not be in such pain.  However, I have to tell myself that such thinking will not help me!

I know you are in pain and need help. I wish I had the words that could reach to your heart and convince you that you hold the keys to unlock your happiness, that you have the power and strength to heal yourself.  I know it is hard, but please keep hope that it is possible to continue, even through this.

Best,

Rg

[zulu1990]

Thank you for your advice