I'm in the first stages of realizing my husband is Borderline

[Rising Petunia]

I really can't crunch this enough in my head. I've run out of words. I'm in survival mode.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[milesperhour]

I really can't crunch this enough in my head. I've run out of words. I'm in survival mode.

Many of us here have "self diagnosed" our husbands with BPD.  High-functioning people with BPD most often will not aknowledge that they have any mental problems whatsoever, even though the people that live or work with them can see it clearly. 

Tell us what you are seeing.  And breath deeply, I know this is very difficult and very painful.   

miles

[maxsterling]

I really can't crunch this enough in my head. I've run out of words. I'm in survival mode.

I'm glad you found us here.  "Survival mode" is how all of us felt when we got here.  Fortunately, there are tools on this site that can help you understand the disorder, take care of yourself, and improve your relationship enough that your "alert level" goes down a few notches. 

Try and take care of yourself today.  Find some space.  Take a deep breath.  Then let us know what is going on

[Ceruleanblue]

I remember that feeling so well. Knowing something was "wrong", and that his reactions were so over the top, and his reasoning so "off". It was way, way more than "miscommunication" that his therapist tried to pass it off as. SHE wasn't living with him, and he is very good at playing innocent, and passing blame onto others. Hey, we all have triggers, but that doesn't give anyone the right to verbally annihilate someone!

Take care of you for now, and learn as much as you can. My husband just got put in DBT therapy, by his psychiatrist, and I'd thought we'd never get there. I didn't suggest it, and BPDh still won't share his official diagnosis with me, other than to say he was told he has "traits of a personality disorder"... .but the meds he's now on, and the fact he was told to do DBT therapy for a year, really tells me all I need to know, and already knew anyway.

Sometimes it's hard for others to believe what we live with, because some are perfectly able to act "normal" at work, or with friends. My BPDh has had issues in most every job though, and I'm just waiting for it to happen at his most recent. He's already got two of his workers saying he doesn't communicate, and darned if I don't commiserate with them.

We are here for you. Know you are not alone in this.  

[milesperhour]

My uBPDh (undiagnosed BPD husband) went to his court-ordered psychiatric evaluation today.  Came home looking very calm and contented.  Said that the therapist was a “very intuitive” woman.  After he had told the “whole story of our 30 years together”, she told him that she saw no sign of BPD in him.  She said he was very sure of who he was and what he wanted, and that people with BPD wake up every day in a new world, wondering who they are (say what?  ).  She asked about any abandonment issues, and he told her about being left at pre-school and feeling abandoned  .  She said all people with BPD are the victims of serious abuse and neglect, and so he did not qualify.  

He told her that I had given him a position in my business, out of the goodness of my heart ("She is such a sweetie", but that I did not give him any real responsibilty or concrete jobs to do, so that is what frustrated him and led to him being arrested.  She told him that I was putting him in a hard position, not telling him what I expected of him and gave him advice on how to "improve communication" with me.  She told him he should find a job of his own, have his life, and let me have mine, separate but living together. (This is the only comment she made that I agreed with.)  She decided that he did not need counseling but would have to complete the Anger Management course to satisfy the court order.  

Before he left the house, I had printed out several pages of comments on his behaviors that were troubling and wanted him to take them with him.  He said, without looking at them, “So you want me to sit down and read that in front of her?” and walked away with the papers still on the table.  I jumped to the door and told him that I was afraid that he was going to go in and say, “There is nothing wrong with me.  My wife got me sent here.  I don't know why I am here.”   ... .And that is essentially what happened.  As usual, when it benefits him, he can become extremely charming, calm, and collected and can fool anyone into believing he is a completely sane and put together man.  Not at all capable of the things I have accused him of.  Oh well … I am not angry, just deflatted.  What I knew would happen has happened.  :)r. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde."

[Ceruleanblue]

I can see why you are so deflated. They can be very charming, and they can often present themselves just as they want to be perceived. They are highly manipulative, and that is what he did to this "therapist". He manipulated the situation by only telling partial truths, or complete lies most likely. He obviously got into legal trouble for good reason! Court ordered anger management is not a small thing. I dated a guy I was sure was a Sociopath, and he got ordered to do court ordered anger management, and he thought he had them fooled, but they were on to him. They knew he was just going along, and saying what he thought they wanted to hear. Could this be the case with this therapist? Or could your husband even be lying to you about what she truly said? I've learned the hard way to consider things may not be the way they get presented to me... .

Hugs to you. It's so disheartening to want things to get better, yet know it's not really in our hands. The lessons on this site do help though.

[DreamerGirl]

I remember being at my lowest and googling, just trying to find an answer to his abnormal behaviour. I found my way here, so much help to be with people facing the same problems and it sure does make a difference to have this support.

I have learned so much, validating would be my best lesson.  I hope you stay and share more with us.