Rent Free, inside my head

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I let the uBPDw live rent-free between my ears.

I think the hardest thing for me to deal with right now is "being present" and not letting self-centered fears dominate me.  I worry about worst-case scenarios that might never play out.

(just needed to type that out... .I'll bring this up in therapy this week, as well as with some other folks I confide in)

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

I let the uBPDw live rent-free between my ears.

I think the hardest thing for me to deal with right now is "being present" and not letting self-centered fears dominate me.  I worry about worst-case scenarios that might never play out.

(just needed to type that out... .I'll bring this up in therapy this week, as well as with some other folks I confide in)

Gomez

[maxen]

I worry about worst-case scenarios that might never play out.

why just yesterday i brought that up in T.

it's a hard discipline, to lose this frame of mind if you've had it a while - at least, it has been for me. if there are ten scenarios, only one will be the worst, so there's a 90% chance it won't happen.

[Mike-X]

Can you elaborate on the 'fears'?

[gomez_addams]

Can you elaborate on the 'fears'?

Some (most) of the fears are the ones that revolve around what she'll say.  I fear the criticism.  She's out of town right now, but when I get a text message, I cringe... .and that's before I check to see who its from.

So I have traditionally hesitated to bring up issues, because I fear that saying, "such and such is a problem" will generate specific (or even vague generic) criticisms, and I spend what I think is an unhealthy amount of time rehearsing things, but not in a productive way.  I hate hearing sentences that begin "you always XYZ" or "you never ABCD... ." -- I've always been this way, even before marriage.  It was something that I was working on (through therapy and 12-step group) for about 2 years before we married.

I feel like the progress I made went down the toilet during the past 2+ years.  As if I regressed to playing out the victim role in my head, and how she'll make me feel.  So I spent too much of my time dwelling on arguments we haven't had yet, and not enough time enjoying my day off.  Which is no way to live.

I also fear conflict getting physical, but I think I've handled that a bit better, and I am taking steps to figure out what to do next.

It's almost as if the emotional abuse (which is continually present) is worse and more damaging than the potential violence (with her out of town, is not an immediate problem).

This is a difficult topic to explain... .I know what I mean in my head, but I'm not sure it makes sense when I type it out.

Gomez

[Mike-X]

Can you elaborate on the 'fears'?

Some (most) of the fears are the ones that revolve around what she'll say.  I fear the criticism.  She's out of town right now, but when I get a text message, I cringe... .and that's before I check to see who its from.

So I have traditionally hesitated to bring up issues, because I fear that saying, "such and such is a problem" will generate specific (or even vague generic) criticisms, and I spend what I think is an unhealthy amount of time rehearsing things, but not in a productive way.  I hate hearing sentences that begin "you always XYZ" or "you never ABCD... ." -- I've always been this way, even before marriage.  It was something that I was working on (through therapy and 12-step group) for about 2 years before we married.

I feel like the progress I made went down the toilet during the past 2+ years.  As if I regressed to playing out the victim role in my head, and how she'll make me feel.  So I spent too much of my time dwelling on arguments we haven't had yet, and not enough time enjoying my day off.  Which is no way to live.

I also fear conflict getting physical, but I think I've handled that a bit better, and I am taking steps to figure out what to do next.

It's almost as if the emotional abuse (which is continually present) is worse and more damaging than the potential violence (with her out of town, is not an immediate problem).

This is a difficult topic to explain... .I know what I mean in my head, but I'm not sure it makes sense when I type it out.

Gomez

Thanks for elaborating. It all makes sense, and it fits with the typical "walking on eggshells" due to FOG. I am sorry, but I don't know your back-story. Are you familiar with FOG in BPD?  Also with respect better managing your own reactions, are you familiar with depersonalization? Finally, also related to better managing your reactions, what are you doing for your own mental health and self-concept/esteem?

[gomez_addams]

Thanks for elaborating. It all makes sense, and it fits with the typical "walking on eggshells" due to FOG. I am sorry, but I don't know your back-story. Are you familiar with FOG in BPD?  Also with respect better managing your own reactions, are you familiar with depersonalization? Finally, also related to better managing your reactions, what are you doing for your own mental health and self-concept/esteem?

Mike,

Familiar with the FOG... . not so much with depersonalization.  I will google that.

For my reactions: continued work on not JADEing.  Also seeing a therapist every two weeks who has experience/training with BPD.  And I continue with my own 12-step group, which is probably as big a help as anything, minus the fact that they don't understand BPD at all.  I have to take some of their suggestions with a grain of salt.

Gomez

[Haye]

I feel like the progress I made went down the toilet during the past 2+ years.  As if I regressed to playing out the victim role in my head, and how she'll make me feel.  So I spent too much of my time dwelling on arguments we haven't had yet, and not enough time enjoying my day off.  Which is no way to live.

I am not famliar with your story, so i might be really wrong here. However,  i hope you know and remember that getting better (progress, if you will) almost always means there will also be setbacks. Situations where you either feel yourself slipping into the very old habits or you actually do act/react the way you used. Healing from difficult relationship, depression, etc is a slow process and i'm pretty certain nobody pulls it through without crumbling every now and then.

It's fustrating, but it is a part of the process. For me, one important lesson was not to be too angry on myself for the points of regressions. I don't know if it is the same to you,  but i used to be soo mad at myself for going back to my old not-so-good-ways to cope with stressful situations. Years later I see those moments were important and inevitable part of the change. 

[gomez_addams]

I am not famliar with your story, so i might be really wrong here. However,  i hope you know and remember that getting better (progress, if you will) almost always means there will also be setbacks. Situations where you either feel yourself slipping into the very old habits or you actually do act/react the way you used. Healing from difficult relationship, depression, etc is a slow process and i'm pretty certain nobody pulls it through without crumbling every now and then.

It's fustrating, but it is a part of the process. For me, one important lesson was not to be too angry on myself for the points of regressions. I don't know if it is the same to you,  but i used to be soo mad at myself for going back to my old not-so-good-ways to cope with stressful situations. Years later I see those moments were important and inevitable part of the change. 

Thanks for the advice.

Gomez