What to write to my wife

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My wife left a year ago. Didnt email her for 5 months. I would like to sent her a message. In my short profile is some extra info. Don't want to repeat and make it to long on this board. I read a lot of suggestions on the internet what NOT to say in a letter because it will make it worse. But there are no real suggestions what's the best way. Don't even know if she's BP. I do want her to know I will love her allways and despite what happened she can rely on me. I hope she wants to be here.  So much things happened and we always managed, now the stage was set she leaves. She could have gone for longer stays more times a year. I guess she was very homesick and missed her children and grandchildren. But no reply to any message from me or my family, leaving al her belongings and her dog here. Well, any advice is welcome. How can i let her know in the best way how I am feeling?

[jo19854]

My wife left a year ago. Didnt email her for 5 months. I would like to sent her a message. In my short profile is some extra info. Don't want to repeat and make it to long on this board. I read a lot of suggestions on the internet what NOT to say in a letter because it will make it worse. But there are no real suggestions what's the best way. Don't even know if she's BP. I do want her to know I will love her allways and despite what happened she can rely on me. I hope she wants to be here.  So much things happened and we always managed, now the stage was set she leaves. She could have gone for longer stays more times a year. I guess she was very homesick and missed her children and grandchildren. But no reply to any message from me or my family, leaving al her belongings and her dog here. Well, any advice is welcome. How can i let her know in the best way how I am feeling?

[Mutt]

Hi jo19854,

I suggest writing your letter with validation or S.E.T

Great communication tools for someone with BPD traits or not.

Hope that helps.

----Mutt

[jo19854]

It helps, i read about set earlier but you handed me the tool with a good explanation. Still not easy but i will start to work on it. Thanks a lot.

[Mutt]

I understand. It's difficult writing to someone that is needy and invalidates. An option; share your feelings and thoughts here for help from the community.

[Mike-X]

My wife left a year ago. Didnt email her for 5 months. I would like to sent her a message. In my short profile is some extra info. Don't want to repeat and make it to long on this board. I read a lot of suggestions on the internet what NOT to say in a letter because it will make it worse. But there are no real suggestions what's the best way. Don't even know if she's BP. I do want her to know I will love her allways and despite what happened she can rely on me. I hope she wants to be here.  So much things happened and we always managed, now the stage was set she leaves. She could have gone for longer stays more times a year. I guess she was very homesick and missed her children and grandchildren. But no reply to any message from me or my family, leaving al her belongings and her dog here. Well, any advice is welcome. How can i let her know in the best way how I am feeling?

I am sorry that your wife left and that you are hurting from this. The abrupt loss of love like this is extremely difficult to handle in so many ways.

What contact have you tried so far? You mentioned emails, but would you be willing to provide more details?

Also, what are you hoping to achieve via the letter? What is in it for you, and if anything, what reaction do you hope to get from her?

Also, the note that she left you stated, "I am leaving you and all of this, you will see this is the best way, the only way for me, thank you for everything." Why do you think this is related to being homesick?

[cosmonaut]

I too am sorry for your pain, jo.  I hope that writing to your wife will be able to help bring you some of the closure and relief that you seek.

I can't give you any objective answer as to what to write her.  I can only give you the answer that I believe to be the best, and of course, I might be wrong.  So, only take this as one man's advice.  If I was writing her, I would focus on being positive, supportive, and completely non-judgmental.  I would take care, however, not to be overly happy or that will come off as invalidating and even rejecting.  Chances are that your wife is experiencing deep pain and shame about leaving you, no matter how suppressed those emotions currently are.  She likely would be receptive to know that you support her and care about her, but she also probably can't bare to have her pain about the separation invalidated.  It is indeed a very tricky line to walk.  I would not be in any way romantic or bring up any past issues.  Those will be triggering for her.  Keep it simple.

Good luck.  If you can post an outline here, we might be able to help you better analyze your thoughts.  I wouldn't post the full draft since that will likely be too revealing for a public board.

[jo19854]

I added profile info, i changed it a week ago to something short because it's rather unique and allthough I want to share, I also want to remain anonymus. I'll keep this info on here for a few days.

It describes the background I am dealing with. That explains the homesickness. The last treatment was so terrible, i've heard that it can cause heavy depression, can trigger relapse and strips patients to the bone. I know she blamed herself for a lot of things. I spoke with a few specialists about this treatment and they said that - in severe cases - it can harm a lot mentally.

For me... I believed we made it finally, it was such a tough ride and after all those years i was looking forward to visits to her family and a life in peace together.

I hope to get some answers from her about our future and marriage, to find some closure. She leaves it all up to me now.

Reading books about how to deal with a missing familymember and a suicide at the same time helps me the most now, and of course the well meant support offered here.

She has the answers that i need for myself and maybe for us.

In the meantime I am working on my email and I will share later, I need some time.

[Mike-X]

I really appreciate your openness here. Wow. It was difficult at times to read through your story. I understand the pain and anxiety from investing so much and the losing the relationship so abruptly and without an explanation.

My questions were aimed at getting you to think about 'you' and not her or the relationship.

Please let me make sure that I am clear on your motivation for writing the letter. I got from your last post that you are saying that you want to write the letter win her back (at least to let her know that you are open to getting back together) or to have her explain why she left and whether there is a possibility to get back together or not. Please feel free to let me know if I have missed something or misread something.

So it seems that the 'you' that you are focused on right now is the guy who is hurting and wants to end that hurting. Is that correct?

Do you believe that the pain and anxiety that you are experiencing are normal reactions to the loss that you have experienced? And that it is ok to experience that pain and anxiety after experiencing such a loss?

I am just trying to understand where you are at in grieving. I experience my own sadness, pain, anger, confusion, etc. at the loss of my relationship. Of course, that is the primary reason that I am on this forum.

Have you read through any of the lessons on (to the right) on the forum? Any books on BPD?

Why do you think that she might be dealing with BPD?

[Grey Kitty]

I think it would be therapeutic for you to write an email with everything you are feeling about your wife.

Please share it here, instead of sending it.

Right now, I'm not even sure what a message you actually send to your wife should be conveying.

[jo19854]

Hi Mike , Cosmo and GreyK. Thanks for your responses.

Mike, I copied and pasted your reply and added my answers in bold. Your questions are direct and help me to get things aligned.

Please let me make sure that I am clear on your motivation for writing the letter. I got from your last post that you are saying that you want to write the letter win her back (at least to let her know that you are open to getting back together) CORRECTor to have her explain why she left and whether there is a possibility to get back together or not. It is my wish to be together again, and at least get answers about why, options like me moving to USA, or what she wants with marriage, our future etc. At least find answers, now i am just guessing about why, possibilities, my mistakes, our chancesPlease feel free to let me know if I have missed something or misread something.

So it seems that the 'you' that you are focused on right now is the guy who is hurting and wants to end that hurting. Is that correct?Yes i am in a lot of pain, have troubles functioning, might even develop a kind of trauma. What happened is so bizar, to much to handle, I need to find a way for me because even after a year I still can´t handle it and it haunts me day and night.

Do you believe that the pain and anxiety that you are experiencing are normal reactions to the loss that you have experienced? I think my reactions are normal, I dearly love her. For me it came out of nowhere despite the apathy, just before she left we had a weekend together, singing songs together, had our laughs. I believed the first signs of recovery from her treatment showed. In my mind we had it made after all the hard workAnd that it is ok to experience that pain and anxiety after experiencing such a loss? yes i do

I am just trying to understand where you are at in grieving. I experience my own sadness, pain, anger, confusion, etc. at the loss of my relationship. Of course, that is the primary reason that I am on this forum. I need some kind of closure, I know my situation and I know myself, I can handle a lot but this is the wrong thing that happened for me. Of course I learn, but 57 y old and this way?

Have you read through any of the lessons on (to the right) on the forum? Any books on BPD? I read a lot of articles and I recognise a lot. It scares me. Also I discovered that PTSD and BL are so close. She mentioned PTSD just before she left.



Why do you think that she might be dealing with BPD?Her behaviour after she left and analysing her past, but she didn´t cut, angry nothing, there were moments before and we had to work ourselves through that,  she could have left then but we were together and stayed together and never had a fight or a quarrel during hard times, but now after the stage is set she leaves! And right after a bad chemo!

For all of you who help, support and guide me, thanks a lot.

I will make an outline for myself and will reflect on this board, maybe in PM if it´s to revealing, )if that´s ok of course

[Grey Kitty]

I'm condensing your reasons for emailing down to three things, and my take on them:

... .write the letter win her backCORRECT

You can write her a letter telling her that you want her back. (Results are uncertain, of course) I think this is a good idea.

and at least get answers about why

She doesn't have to give you this. Further, my best guess is that her inability to open up to you like this is why she left--if she could have told you want she wanted, what she was afraid of, what was concerning her, she would have... .and you would probably have resolved things for her.

So I think that your chance of getting this directly from her is near zero.

Further, I think that if you chase her with this part, you work against your first goal.

options like me moving to USA, or what she wants with marriage, our future etc.

You are getting waaaaaaaaaaay ahead of yourself. If she's willing to talk to you, there is a chance to work this stuff out later.

If she isn't even willing to reply to your email, you won't get anywhere by offering anything like this!

[jo19854]

GreyKitty, your answers are very helpfull.

It's true that i would have listened to her problems and do my best.

Well, I'll work on my email the coming days and will let you all know.

So thx a lot, any suggestion is welcome and I really aprreciate the help i am offered.   

[jo19854]

I sent her an email today, the first one after 5 months, we will see.

I used SET and got some help from a dutch fellow member by phone today.

I will wait and see.

[Grey Kitty]

  I hope you hear back.

The waiting and silence has to be really tough.

[jo19854]

The moment i hear something it will be on the board.

I am happy i sent her the message, it's what i had to do. Indeed the silence and not knowing is terrible.

Coming home and no-one there, no goodbey. The cruelty is so unreal.

Our situation is so complex and so many factors are involved that it can go everywhere.

So, ... .Borderline, C-PTSD, Feeling guilty, an act of complete confusion and shame.

Time will tell i hope 

[Grey Kitty]

What can you do for yourself while you wait?

[jo19854]

- Eat well

- Go to bed on time and rest enough

- Stay off the meds

- I don't drink alcohol

- See friends

- I have many ALAnon members who i can call

- Soon get EMDR for trying to get control over my flashbacks

- Light a candle every week in a little church and ask for support and guidance for both of us

- Keep the house clean

- Allow myself to be sad and cry

- Talk and vent

Not ready for dating or bar hopping, to old for that anyway

Hope that i can start running again, i stopped a year ago.

[jo19854]

No response yet

[Grey Kitty]

How long do you intend to wait for a response?

By wait, I mean believe that she may come back into your life, much like it was before?

My understanding is that you have never heard anything back... .she could have moved in with another guy two weeks after she left, for all you know.

[Grey Kitty]

Wow, that's been a while.

Seems like if she hasn't responded in almost two months... . she isn't going to.

This kind of waiting can't be good for you.

[jo19854]

I don't hear a thing.

It's not a matter of waiting, time passes, I try to stay on my feet.

The emotional pain, I cannot describe