need help with separation and obsession

[suzikaye73]

Hello everyone, Im a first timer. I am struggling with a sibling who has BPD. This sibling is fairly new in my life, he was adopted out as a baby. We reunited 40 years later.

We have an extremely close bond, and some days thats good and some days, its torture.

I moved near him about 6 months ago, to be close enough to get to know his children and family etc. I recently moved away due to his intensity, and trying to control my every move. He is very hard to "keep" happy.

The move was devastating to myself and him. We have deep love and concern for each other, but he knows no boundaries. He is obsessed with me and my every move still, even after the move. He wants to stop and can control it for short periods but the intensity always pokes back out. It seems I am always doing the wrong thing and he feels I dont care as much becase I want less contact and healthier boundaries. Please, any input, thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I want to help him.

[ShieldsUp12]

Hi Suzikaye73. I am afraid I might not have any good ideas at the moment.  I just wanted to reach out give you a hug.

I think you are right to establish boundaries. They are necessary in all healthy relationships.

It is not your job - or anyone else's job - to keep someone happy. They need to learn to be able to keep themselves happy. That goes for everyone, not just people with disorders. But people with disorders have a much harder time understanding this and implementing it, which you probably understand! I myself used to think other people could "make" me feel a certain way, but it's only if I allow them that power. (I am realizing I could take that advice for myself right now, with my last post!)

Stay strong. Are you in contact with him at all?

[Linda Maria]

Hi suzikaye!  So sorry to hear your story - I can relate, as I have a uBPDsis, and in fact we are both adopted.  I have posted a lot about myself recently, so won't go into details on this post, but you have already identified that boundaries are the way to go.  Sounds like you know how it should be, but it's so hard to maintain boundaries when the pwBPD doesn't respect them.  But family or not, if that person is spoiling your life and making you uncomfortable then it's not a healthy relationship, and much as you want to/feel you should be able to help them, ultimately you can only help yourself to maintain healthy boundaries.  Keep posting, as there are fantastic people here who can help recommend techniques much better than I can, for dealing with BPDs.  If you are interested in the link between adoption and BPD as I am, there are also some links on the site to that as well, I will try to find them and send them to you.  You sound like a very caring person, and also very aware, so I think you will find your way through this, and I wish you well.