Confused,needingsome insight (long)~

[mickeymouse93]

Hi,I apologize for this being so long.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to ask so forgive me for jumping around,I'm having a rough emotional and mental time.

My... .boyfriend,I guess I'll call him R because of the situation, but R has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder since he was around ten. He's 25 now. I'm 22. But this past February he started exhibiting behaviors of BPD,I researched the things he was doing and BPD came up and I told him about it. After that it got worse.

He got diagnosed with it after he snapped last month. I watched him crumble for years,we've been together for six years and have a child.I finally felt like the man I knew was gone when after I had our baby last year. I had to move back to my mom's because we couldn't afford the apartment Because he just refused to get a better job and be mindful of money.When he would visit,he looked like a different man,the way his eyes looked and he was angry.And whenever I wasn't there physically,it was like I didn't fully exist to him... . But while I was pregnant,he was amazing and he keeps saying he wishes he could be like that again... .I was shocked but he didn't do anything wrong that whole time until a month before I had our baby and he picked up smoking weed again and told an old,younger friend that he had always liked her (since the day me and him met) and he started posting on sexual sites.


One night,last month ,we argued,long story short,he snapped and choked me. We had to let the other apartment go and me and our child moved away because CPS said either move or go to a shelter and they strongly said why the shelter would not be the better choice. Also because we couldn't pay rent. He had been abusive before but never as bad as that night and the couple of months before and the look he had on his face was one I can't forget. It was like a different man. He snapped out of it somehow and let me go,the next morning he went to get mental help.

Now he's in jail for family violence,awaiting his court date to see what happens next. They are fully aware of how messed up he is now because he freaked out in the holding cell, begging them to kill him,they had to restrain him and he started getting out of that,and he's been on suicide watch. They put another charge on him to make sure he couldn't bail,really,because having him in jail is not only his punishment but it seems it's the only way for him to get help.And also he's a danger to himself and others. There's a temporary physical protective order until his court date. Right before jail, he had gotten medications but he didn't refill them and he never went back and instead started drinking and smoking because he felt that he "lost" me and our child. If we weren't physically around him,he always felt like he lost us. Especially me,whenever I walked out the door or he felt like I was judging him or hating him, he would attempt to talk to other females. I was angry one time and made a fake profile on a dating app he was on and all he talked about was me and our baby. He admitted he wasn't looking for anything really,every time he got on those things, he stopped after only a few messages... .like he snapped out of it.

My mother said he did what he did because when I had to move back with her,he no longer had to stress about being an adult,a father,a spouse. He picked up his weed habit,his porn addiction, attempted cheating that he never went through with,drinking,lying,ignoring me. He had self-medicated with weed and alcohol,he has always attempted to cheat but he never went through with it from everything I saw,he couldn't hide things well,I always called him out and he tried every way to be sneaky but it never worked. Sometimes he'd say he made it obvious so I could see it and it'd give him attention from me even though it was negative. Other times,he claimed someone else did it or he did horrible at hiding it.

His porn addiction and attempting to cheat but never following through was insane. I even caught him many times watching it and doing his thing while he thought I was asleep or he pretended to use the bathroom,I even caught him standing in the utility closet and though it was obvious,he still tried to lie but lashed out on himself soon after. We argued about it because I felt he was being selfish... .I was always ready and willing for him but we only did it a few times a week. He said sometimes he just wanted to get it (his own pleasure) over with because he felt he couldn't satisfy me. Eventually he stopped because he said porn was no longer arousing him. He said he didn't initiate things much before because he was connecting with me on a deeper level,he always said I was amazing and the fact that I was beautiful made me even more amazing. He always asked "Why do you love a monster like me? Look what I do to you".

But eventually I only gave him attention when he did good things. It hurt me one time because he burned himself on purpose in front of me to get my attention and love but I ignored him. He usually attempted to cheat when he felt like I was mad at him (his married ex who has a child often popped up when she argued with her husband and if things weren't good between me and him,he humored her. But he was aware she used him,he sent her nudes but she sent a face pic and basically just laughed at him when he tried to get serious. She always disappeared until she argued with her husband. She also was the girl he lost his virginity to,she faked amnesia a lot to him to mess with him because he's so gullible, he tried to get her pregnant but for some reason he was the problem but voila he got me pregnant, she cheated on him and left him when he was in juvi) he started to not remember when he switched, he often tried to kill himself and he tried to in his holding cell, he made horrible friends but talked bad about them when he came home and I knew he only tolerated the main guy because he supported his habit,he admitted that while in jail.

Whenever R got mad with me,he ran over to his terrible friend's house to "self-medicate". He couldn't keep a job because he always hated something about them after a month,and sadly this was a job he stuck with for almost a year but they fired him because he got arrested at work. He talked of pursuing a career but he said he was fine with his minimum wage mall job,he had went to college but he stopped going after a month after we found out I was pregnant and he needed to get a job. He even said that he had wanted to get me pregnant so he did,even though it was a horrible time,we could barely take care of ourselves.

But for a couple of weeks before he snapped, we had become so open with each other,he had stopped attempting to cheat,he stopped lying,he was open with me no matter what, he worked,we spent time together, we satisfied each other, we got along again, but by that point too much was unresolved and every talk turned into something about the past.

Now... .I'm confused... .it seems like he has loved me this whole time, he did things for me,we know each other,we did things together,he was there for me, he was a good father (he was always normal and happy with our baby and made sure she had everything she needed),he met my family,he introduced me to his, he always tried to keep me happy... .now that he's in jail, he's only now exhibiting the behavior of "If you leave me,I don't know what I'd do", ":)o you love me?" "I'm so happy the woman I love and did this to has hope for me to get better",that they let him call me because I'm the only thing that calms him down though he's trying to meditate and exercise. The few times we talked,he apologized for what he did,he talked of his faith, he talked of how he took me for granted (this is the first time he's been totally sober in months), he says how he wants to make it better but we should live separately until he's stable... .he knows he jumps ahead into the future a lot,all I told him was for now we can't plan anything together because of what he did. He says that maybe he did it because he started seeing parts of him in me and hates himself to the core. He's not sure why he did it,he said he's sick of having no control. But he talks of getting better,yet when he's in his dark place he says he can't be fixed. Like it's impossible. The concern is him staying medicated and in therapy when he's out. He's a had very very rough life all these people that have had to get involved keep saying it is such a sad situation and he's a nice,amazing man that actually seems to love me,but his mental issues are consuming him. We became co-dependent but it started to fade,at least on my end because he started becoming violent and more unstable. But I'm lost... .is this really what this disorder does? We all know he's a good person,he has always tried to be. He had been abused,sexually abused, engaged in sexual activities when he was younger with family,his parents were young and addicted to drugs,he was in juvi and group homes,and more stuff... .they only let him go because he aged-out... .after that he only got medicated once and he stopped because he was working and they made him drowsy... .I feel I was also his caretaker but I didn't mind because I'm naturally nurtring to certain people and I feel that I love him,he is also my friend.

But can he even get better? He's very self-aware. In his moments of clarity,he went on about how he knew he wasn't normal and that he had serious issues. He's so intelligent and caring but these issues and inner demons have consumed him... .he's still unmedicated for now until the doctor sees him but he was going on about how when he got out we could get married and do this right. But... .like I said and he said,he jumps into the future a lot. He's in the suicide watch room so he loterally does nothing but get consumed in thoughts. He's not in prison,he's in jail until his court date because he can't bail out. But... .what in the world is going on? Can he really be helped? I hope for him,but could we/shoild we still try to work this out when he shows progress? Even the authorities and therapists encouraged us to work it out when he's medicated and going to therapy... .I don't kniw if they mean it or if they're trying to make him stick with getting help.

Those who have talked to him say that it truly does seem like he loves me and cares for me and of course he loves our baby. Whenever he has called in jail,he cries so much. My mom has her own mental issues and she says he's just saying whatever. I've asked him if he wanted other people's numbers so he can use them but he said no. So... .it seems that he does feel for me. His life has been hell and he has never gotten real help. I'm scared that when he gets in therapy that maybe he'll find out its not love,maybe he has some serious sexual issues,or something... .my mom is already questioning that because we started talking six years ago when I was 16 and he had just turned 19... .and last month his bad 17 year old cousin snuck out and wanted somewhere else to sleep so he let her sleep at our old apartment... .where he also was,hopefully in another room... . and I think he went smoking and drinking with her and her friends... .But... .outside of a situation that happened when he was younger, he never has exhibited sexual behaviors towards younger people in a predator way. He does find similarities sometimes though because he's a man-child. I'm just so lost and confused and whenever I talk to him I just wamt him to be honest and clear stuff up but calls are expensive and 15 minutes at a time isn't close to enough. I don't think he can write while on suicide watch... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lbjnltx]

Hi mickymouse

Welcome to the site, we are glad you are reaching out and looking for some understanding about your boyfriend and his disorder.

I'm sad to read how much pain you and he are in.  This is a terrible disorder and it can be very destructive for families.

That your boyfriend is self aware is a good thing... .that he is sober is a good thing... .that he is safe now and so are you are good things. 

With long term proper treatment there is hope that he can get better and live a more stable and productive life.  You pose many questions that can be answered by learning about the disorder and how his behaviors are a result of this disorder... .what he needs and how he is trying to get his needs met. The members on the Staying Board can help you with understanding why he behaves as he does and this information can help you learn more about the disorder. (learn more here: Understanding and Treating BPD

This will be a long journey mickeymouse... .we will travel with you for as long as you need us to.



lbjnltx

[an0ught]

Hi mickeymouse93,

this is a terrible time for your family  . Violence like you experienced it is not acceptable and there are consequences to it that he needs to work through.

It is a difficult situation for you and from what I gather you are inclined to stand by him. What he needs is therapy and what is going for him is that he is diagnosed already. Of all his coping mechanisms alcohol is the most problematic one as it furthers rage and hinders therapy. Not really good coping is a hallmark of BPD and there are plenty of worse than porn and weed (unless it leads to legal trouble) to worry about at this point of his recovery. Fighting symptoms just shifts them to other places.

But for a couple of weeks before he snapped, we had become so open with each other,he had stopped attempting to cheat,he stopped lying,he was open with me no matter what, he worked,we spent time together, we satisfied each other, we got along again, but by that point too much was unresolved and every talk turned into something about the past.

This can not be all talked about. He needs to learn behavior and you can benefit from learning skills too  (see LESSONS). It is good to see that both of you are attempting to work things out - that is a basis to start re-building.

, hang in there, this may be the needed rock bottom,

a0

[mickeymouse93]

There can be worse than what he's already done? I'm fearing he may not get better,as you know, BPD people tend to say a lot but don't follow through,he spoke of what he'll do when he gets out but I'm not sure he'll do it. And if he did it may just be because it's court-ordered... .he has always started or at least attempted getting help but the issue is keeping it up without us there with him. Of course he tells people he wants to get better but it's like he can't do it completely alone. I would like to stay with him if he shows the proof that he's getting help and wanting to get help, but I'll leave if he stops.

Hi mickeymouse93,

this is a terrible time for your family  . Violence like you experienced it is not acceptable and there are consequences to it that he needs to work through.

It is a difficult situation for you and from what I gather you are inclined to stand by him. What he needs is therapy and what is going for him is that he is diagnosed already. Of all his coping mechanisms alcohol is the most problematic one as it furthers rage and hinders therapy. Not really good coping is a hallmark of BPD and there are plenty of worse than porn and weed (unless it leads to legal trouble) to worry about at this point of his recovery. Fighting symptoms just shifts them to other places.

But for a couple of weeks before he snapped, we had become so open with each other,he had stopped attempting to cheat,he stopped lying,he was open with me no matter what, he worked,we spent time together, we satisfied each other, we got along again, but by that point too much was unresolved and every talk turned into something about the past.

This can not be all talked about. He needs to learn behavior and you can benefit from learning skills too  (see LESSONS). It is good to see that both of you are attempting to work things out - that is a basis to start re-building.

, hang in there, this may be the needed rock bottom,

a0

[an0ught]

Dear mickeymouse93,

what you experience is terrible   . Alcohol promotes loss of control and quickly makes matters worse.

At the moment he is an expert in relationship sabotage with you at the receiving end. He is also expertly doing self sabotage. Mostly this is driven by his inability to cope with internal pain. He needs to learn new healthy coping mechanisms before he is able to drop all the unhealthy ones. Smoking and porn are bad but comparatively harmless and dropping them early is less important than dropping alcohol. Pushing against all what is wrong with his behavior overloads his ability to change. When overloaded may start new nonsense e.g. self cutting in order to deal with his internal pain. To get "cured" he will have to take up healthier means to self sooth like going for a run, taking a warm bath etc... . Learning this healthy self caring behavior - I know it sounds odd - is going to be really, really hard for him and requires some deep changes in the way he thinks.

Of course he tells people he wants to get better but it's like he can't do it completely alone. I would like to stay with him if he shows the proof that he's getting help and wanting to get help, but I'll leave if he stops.

Physical abuse should not be tolerated. This is a sensible boundary  .  BPD when treated is often getting better - of all the severe mental disorders it is one of few where therapy is often leading to lasting change. There is hope. It will take patience.

[Mike-X]

Hi MickeyMouse93,

Welcome to the boards. Thank you for posting tour story. I felt tears come to my eyes several times as I read through what you and you family have been through.

Have you had a chance to learn about therapies that work with BPD? The link posted by lbjnltx  is a good starting point. Are you familiar with DBT? Therapies are effective. To be successful, the person living with BPD has to commit to the therapy, and your SO saying that he wants help is a good sign. Also, not all therapists are trained to diagnose and treat BPD, so finding a specialist is important.

Can you help me to understand what you are doing for your mental and physical health? People often neglect themselves when involved in high conflict relationships.  I certainly neglected myself and focused on my diagnosed girlfriend during our relationship. I focused on keeping the relationship going and trying to help and care for her. Educating yourself and coming to these boards and posting your story are great steps towards taking care of you. Please keep posting.