Break up. Advice needed

[Missy94]

I have been dating a guy for 7 months. We broke up 2 weeks ago. My therapist friend alerted me to the fact that my partner may have BPD and on reading the pages here I think he may be correct. I am struggling with my own feelings right now of wanting to help him but the things that have happened in 7 months I realise that I am in a very unhealthy cycle with this guy. He has made me feel like I am crazy and indeed there have been days because I am obsessing about what happened and feel I really need to see him again for closure more than anything. He made me feel so special yet his actions were so hurtful. Lies, betrayals and actions which can only be described as abusive even dangerous. Yet I feel addicted to him. Everything is very raw and despite being a usually rational person I feel I can't get perspective. He has not made any attempt to address any of the issues each time telling me we have this deep connection and that the things that have happened are down to me. He has not acknowledged even in the face of his lies that any of the issues are down to his behaviour or he will blame his past (he was abandoned as a baby by his mother leaving him with an abusive father. Past history of suicide attempts and self harm).

I guess I need advice on how best to start putting me first. I can't stop thinking about what he may be doing or trying to prove he has not understood my perspective. Wanting him to understand as I can understand (sort of) why he has done things... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Heldfast]

Tough call as we all march to the beat of a different drum. My first thing was, on advice of a friend, to do the most true and utmost delete of all things ex possible, facebook, google plus, etc. Remove all photos, put them away. If you're sure there is no coming back, destroy the ones you can, remove them from the others. Delete them from your phone. Then, find three things for yourself, and yourself alone, three things you want to do, they can be big, they can be little. Do them, start doing them. Whether it's travelling, art classes, workout program, reading a certain set of books or a number of them, learning a language, just find them, and start doing them. Finally, I picked up a book on self love called "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's not that deep, it's not going to tell you anything you do not already know, but it is going to set you up with a list of good basic lessons. Don't drink too much, don't get lost in ruminating. If you feel like you need a little help, a therapist or break up buddy can do wonders for you.

And remember this, you dodged a bullet. It would never have been truly what you wanted, and as much as we may idealize them in the way they initially did us, that really was all a facade and a con. No one deserves a con as a replacement for love. It sucks, and it hurts, and you'll have good days and bad, but living for you, and loving yourself are the best things you can do now.

[OnceConfused]

Missy:

Your feeling of confusion as to understand exactly who this person is, is quite normal in dealing with BPD. I felt the same way, one moment we were soul mate then the next moment I was belittled, and berated like a child. Finally, I understood that was the strategy of BPD, to beat you up and then pull you in with a kiss. So you are going throug a cycle of despair and hope then despair then hope. I was so confused to the point of seeking professional psychological help. I am sure you have been through this as well.

Of course, you want to have closure, but based on my own experience, you will have to accept that there might be no closure. BPD operates on a different planet with different logic.

THat is just the way it is.

[eyvindr]

I'm sorry, Missy. It sucks. No two ways about it. I'm sorry.

All good advice here. The best way to get through the pain -- at least in my opinion -- is to strike a balance between being gentle with yourself and your feelings, and powering through. Again -- good advice here from HeldFast and OnceConfused. Focus on yourself, on your life, on what you want out of it.

You deserve to be happy.

You should probably start spending more of your time on the "Leaving/Healing" boards. From my own experience, it can get confusing -- and I've made the mistake on more than one occasion of responding to a post on "Staying" coming from a "Leaving" frame of mind -- which can be less than helpful for folks who are working hard to make things work. Last thing you wanna hear in that case is someone lobbying for a break-up.

You're gonna be ok, Missy. You'll make it through this, and all of your life will be better. Hang in there.

[Missy94]

Thank you for your replies. They are really helping right now.  I ended up being sucked back in a few weeks later seeking closure. He really turned the intensity up, I was the best this and that and he promised no more lies or secrets. How he had 'realised' that we might go somewhere and he was falling in love with me. He wasn't 'there yet' but he was definitely falling... .Guess what? Yep the cycles repeated for 2 more months before I finally said enough.  He has belittled me and berrated me and yup then drew me in again with a kiss and the rest... .I recognise this so so clearly.

I realised that this was the most toxic and potentially dangerous relationship I have ever been in. The months I invested in this mad mad cycle of abuse. I feel like I've been run over by a steam roller.

I am trying to be kind to myself but I find myself looking out for him on social media some days (the worst ones) still wanting to try and 'understand' or know what he is up to or if he cares. I realise deep down I will never know anything about him. You are right they operate on a different level/planet. I am going to head your advice now. The last 3 weeks have been hell mentally and emotionally. I read somewhere about no contact for 60 days. I have called up my friends and family he'd isolated me from bit by bit this last 9 months and I am starting to rebuild the secure and safe home and person I was before he arrived.

Thank you again for your responses. This website has been so helpful.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Missy,  Maybe you would like to join us on the Leaving Board?  I have some comments to add, but am reluctant to post them here on the Staying Board where folks are trying to make their BPD r/s work.  LuckyJim

[Indiegrl]

Hi

I just want to highlight this for you:

He has belittled me and berrated me and yup then drew me in again with a kiss and the rest... .I recognise this so so clearly.

Excellent! Do not doubt your own recognition, stay true to what you have seen.

I realised that this was the most toxic and potentially dangerous relationship I have ever been in. The months I invested in this mad mad cycle of abuse. I feel like I've been run over by a steam roller.

I kind of felt like giving you a "high five" for this one, but that may not be appropriate   But again, clever and strongly positioning yourself as a healthy individual. Way to go, keep on going!

I read somewhere about no contact for 60 days. I have called up my friends and family he'd isolated me from bit by bit this last 9 months and I am starting to rebuild the secure and safe home and person I was before he arrived.

Yes yes yes. You are doing just fine. Bring back your people into your life, and stay no contact with the person who left you feeling that "the last 3 weeks have been hell mentally and emotionally" .

Just wanted to tell you that you are doing great. If you expreience a downfall and start to questioning yourself and think about him and your love being oh so special, that IS certainly normal. But keep on going. You can do it!

Take care.

[Missy94]

*thank you* Yes Lucky Jim heading over there now... .