Breaking the News to Her

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I did step 1 yesterday - retained the lawyer.  Now to tell her we're done.

If you did the leaving, how did you tell her?  I'd prefer to do this in a mediated therapy session, but that might not happen since she's leaving therapy after the next session.  I'm afraid that she'll do something drastic with one of the kids, D3, so I'm planning on having them safe with friends for a few days until this calms a bit.  We'll also have to live together for awhile in a tiny townhouse, since neither of us can really legally move out.  I'd like to hear how others might have managed a similar situation.

[StrongDadOf2]

I did step 1 yesterday - retained the lawyer.  Now to tell her we're done.

If you did the leaving, how did you tell her?  I'd prefer to do this in a mediated therapy session, but that might not happen since she's leaving therapy after the next session.  I'm afraid that she'll do something drastic with one of the kids, D3, so I'm planning on having them safe with friends for a few days until this calms a bit.  We'll also have to live together for awhile in a tiny townhouse, since neither of us can really legally move out.  I'd like to hear how others might have managed a similar situation.

[wishfulthinking]

My situation is more volatile.  Domestic violence has occurred, so I signed the papers yesterday and since I owned my house for 11 years before I met him, we drew up exclusive occupancy papers and hoping the judge signs off on those to force removal from my house.  Otherwise, the time before the divorce is final is going to be very VERY difficult to live with him and I will probably end up hurt. 

I wish you well on your journey to freedom.  It's never a fun thing to do.  I know my heart is breaking but I know the man I married is not the man he really is.  I keep reminding myself of that and the things he's done to me physically and financially are not the actions of someone who loves you.

[valet]

How long will you have to live with her?

If you're in fear for your own safety (not to mention emotional well-being) it might be a better idea to find someone that you can stay with until you can officially move out.

[StrongDadOf2]

How long will you have to live with her?

If you're in fear for your own safety (not to mention emotional well-being) it might be a better idea to find someone that you can stay with until you can officially move out.

My state's law says 1 year of separation.  However, me leaving the house with the kids may appear to a judge as abandonment and vindictive behavior.  Me leaving without the kids (which I would never do) will look like I trust her with their care (and I don't).  The lawyer says to stay, and I'm waiting to hear back from her what constitutes a good reason to move out.  Since I'll be seeking full custody of both children, I'll need to wait for her to move out.

[valet]

How long will you have to live with her?

If you're in fear for your own safety (not to mention emotional well-being) it might be a better idea to find someone that you can stay with until you can officially move out.

My state's law says 1 year of separation.  However, me leaving the house with the kids may appear to a judge as abandonment and vindictive behavior.  Me leaving without the kids (which I would never do) will look like I trust her with their care (and I don't).  The lawyer says to stay, and I'm waiting to hear back from her what constitutes a good reason to move out.  Since I'll be seeking full custody of both children, I'll need to wait for her to move out.

Man, that sounds awful. Sorry to hear that you have to go through all of this.

Is there any way to demonstrate that she is unstable, or force her hand in court so that she must submit to a psychological evaluation before she is proven as a non-risk for the safety of yourself and your children? These are things that I would ask your lawyer, as I'm no expert in law or anything.

Basically, in this situation, it looks like it would be your word against hers. The mother usually wins here, unless her argument looks sketchy or unreasonable. But who knows.

[StrongDadOf2]

Man, that sounds awful. Sorry to hear that you have to go through all of this.

Is there any way to demonstrate that she is unstable, or force her hand in court so that she must submit to a psychological evaluation before she is proven as a non-risk for the safety of yourself and your children? These are things that I would ask your lawyer, as I'm no expert in law or anything.

Basically, in this situation, it looks like it would be your word against hers. The mother usually wins here, unless her argument looks sketchy or unreasonable. But who knows.

I'd answer, but I'll save that for the legal discussion board.  I'm confident staying in the house for now is the right decision, but I'm looking for advice on what and how to tell my STBXW.

[once removed]

hi strongdad 

i dont have any experience in this regard, but i can tell you, as i suspect you know, that whatever your approach, you have little to no power over how its taken or her reaction.

i recommend keeping it simple and to the point. avoid blame. avoid rehashing any old issues. she may try to do this herself, in which case im not sure what the immediate best advice for that is, beyond not engaging or getting stuck in a circular argument. this isnt an argument. its you ending the relationship. thats not to say she doesnt have a right to respond, but its not a debate. id reiterate, whatever your approach, expect the unexpected.

what are your own ideas? what would you like to say and how would you like to do it? lets start with that and examine it.

[StrongDadOf2]

i dont have any experience in this regard, but i can tell you, as i suspect you know, that whatever your approach, you have little to no power over how its taken or her reaction.

Like I ever had any influence!  Of course, I want to lay out all the reasons why the marriage must end, but that would ensure a rage and be completely counter-productive.  I'll have to ensure that I have definitive boundaries and compel myself to maintain them.  Here's a blurb that can be picked apart:

I can't stay in this marriage anymore.  It's not healthy for you, me, or the kids. I've retained an attorney to help me through the divorce process, and I'd like to solve as many issues as possible through mediation. For the next few days, I've arranged for the children to be at friend's houses so that we can freely discuss divorce plans: what to tell friends, relatives, and the children; how we are going to divide up living arrangements; how we will divide our time with the children; how we will divide up finances.  I continue to care about you, but remaining linked in marriage is harming us both and is not setting an enduring model for the children.

[once removed]

every word seems fine by me. it states your actions clearly. she knows what to expect. i think thats compassionate. your plan is clearly thought through. its also a lot to take in, and i mean that in a neutral sense. im not familiar with your back story; is this out of the blue? have the two of you been through any form of counseling? have you threatened to leave before?

its good that youve posted this on the legal board. the only thing i have much question about is how she might react to the prospect of the children staying at friends houses on top of this news.

"I'll have to ensure that I have definitive boundaries and compel myself to maintain them." 

[StrongDadOf2]

This will be out of the blue, and the first time I've ever discussed divorce with her.  She has threatened divorce regularly, since the first week of marriage even.  We've been doing couple's counselling for almost a year now, but it's coming to an end soon, since the therapist is moving on to another employer.  STBXW does not want to go to another couple's therapist, leaving me without a safe place to discuss controversial issues with her when kids are not around.

[once removed]

"She has threatened divorce regularly, since the first week of marriage even."

thats painful to go through even if you became numb to it or stopped believing it, or otherwise. 

for that reason its probably to your benefit that you havent previously threatened and not followed through. you probably wouldnt be believed. but make no mistake that that will make it any less tough to take on her end. i assume you know what "tough to take" might entail for a pwBPD. promises of change, perhaps promises to recommit to another couples therapist, might be reasonable things to expect but those are a couple of many potential reactions. it wont be possible to list all the hypotheticals and your reactions, which is why, as you stated, you must ensure that you have definitive boundaries and compel yourself to maintain them. have you done this or are you trying to draw them out?

and of course whether you do or dont maintain them, we will be here to support you.