Do I want to shut the door on my exgf forever

[Depression = 72% of members]

Do I feel at peace? Not entirely. I would say I'm getting there. Right now my determination is whether I want to shut the door on my exgf forever, if truly any future interaction with her would just lead to more pain, I know A won't close that door. She will close the door on me, but she will leave it open for herself. Do I believe that she will truly never interact with me again? Not really. I'm not in denial, though. I'm not saying THIS relationship is not over. I'm not bargaining either. A and I never recycled, over 62% of relationships do recycle and the number for people with BPD is higher than that. The numbers would say she's not truly done forever. It's up to me now to decide at some point whether I would accept any sort of interaction with her.

A clear conscious and a much more fit physical body is helping though!

[Reecer1588]

Do I feel at peace? Not entirely. I would say I'm getting there. Right now my determination is whether I want to shut the door on my exgf forever, if truly any future interaction with her would just lead to more pain, I know A won't close that door. She will close the door on me, but she will leave it open for herself. Do I believe that she will truly never interact with me again? Not really. I'm not in denial, though. I'm not saying THIS relationship is not over. I'm not bargaining either. A and I never recycled, over 62% of relationships do recycle and the number for people with BPD is higher than that. The numbers would say she's not truly done forever. It's up to me now to decide at some point whether I would accept any sort of interaction with her.

A clear conscious and a much more fit physical body is helping though!

[lm911]

This is one of the most difficult aspects. You have to decie whether you want to be with her again ( and to wait for a recycle ) or decide you do not want with her, and everything that happens with her ( new guy, new job and etc do not bother you), because you have had decided that you don't want to be with her, and no one and nothing can change your mind ( in order to do this you maintain a NC).

How to decide?

Make a list with +/- starting with having a r/s with her, and +/- not having a relationship with her.

[Blimblam]

Do you think maybe the narrative about whether you are or Arnt willing to take her back is about you feeling in control of the idea of your exgf? And by extension a way of feeling in control of your pain as seen as the ex gf image?

[valet]

Regardless of whether she will recycle or not, you have to assume that she won't.

It wasn't until when I said 'screw it, the relationship is over and I don't want it back' that my healing truly began to accelerate.

Any situations that arise later in time will require you to have a clear head, which means that you must be completely healed, or damn near close. And by then you probably won't even want her anymore.

If you want friendship that's a different thing, but your boundaries MUST be super strong.

[Skip]

Right now my determination is whether I want to shut the door on my exgf forever, if truly any future interaction with her would just lead to more pain, I know A won't close that door.

She will close the door on me, but she will leave it open for herself. Do I believe that she will truly never interact with me again? Not really. I'm not in denial, though. I'm not saying THIS relationship is not over. I'm not bargaining either. A and I never recycled, over 62% of relationships do recycle and the number for people with BPD is higher than that. The numbers would say she's not truly done forever. It's up to me now to decide at some point whether I would accept any sort of interaction with her.

All the doors are closed hard right now - restraining order is in place - an angry mother has gone to your family - your ex responds to your email through a campus security spoke person.

She said... .

"IM DONE WITH YOU"

"I'm glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life"

"You're clingy, overbearing, immature, jokes you think are funny are just inappropriate,etc."

My ex has posted a ton of crap on pinterest that started out being all about "surviving narcissistic relationship abuse"

What decision is there to make, now? Do you have to decide "whether to shut the door on my exgf forever or not"?

I don't think this is the question at all Reese. The question is are you going to sit and wait for her?  Are you going to continue to analyze Facebook photos and try to construct what she is doing and feeling. Are you gong to shadow her on Pinterest and messageboards? Are you going to write her letters that you are not going to send?  Are you going to listen to the grapevine to hear if she is dating someone?  Are you going to rehearse in your mind things you want to say to her to sway her?

The question is... . are you going to stop pursuing her in your dreams?

[cosmonaut]

I know it's hard to let go, Reecer.  I've been down this same road, and it's one I'm still traveling.  It's very difficult to let someone go that you love.  I think the secret is to let go with love.  To keep that love for them, but to set them free in life and in our hearts.  To wish them every joy and happiness in life, to hope that they will be able to overcome their tragic disorder, to pray that they will come to know peace.  We can wish all of this for them even if we are to never receive anything in return.  And that's what real love is anyhow, right?  Love is selfless.  I think that this is where you are wanting to get, too.  Keep pressing forward toward that.  Let her go.  Do it for a deeper love.

I think what everyone is very concerned about is that you might contact your ex again.  And that's scary, because you are looking at very serious legal consequences if you do.  We care about you, Reecer, and none of us want to see you in prison or otherwise in trouble with the law.  We want to help you to let go.  Please try and accept that you can't contact her again.  No matter how crushing that is (and I know it is), you can't.  You have to let her go.  With love.

[Reecer1588]

There is no question that I'm not going to contact my ex. There is none, it does not exist. Zero chance, not even in my dreams. There is no restraining order by the way, Skip.

And for social media, I went full NC on April 21st.

I'm not delusional. I might be having a hard time letting go but I'm not delusional.

When I say "she left the door open for herself" that is not a statement of delusion. I know I haven't talked to either of y'all privately but trust me, It's not a delusional statement. A HAS left the door open, and it ISN'T delusional to think one day she might try and interact with me.

I'm not living in fairy tale world, I promise. I know my relationship is over. My conscious is clearer BECAUSE the last thing she read of mine wasn't hateful.

Please respect the fact that there may have not been a proper conveying of the story by my part. There are no restraining orders, there's just warnings from CAMPUS police. I am not going to risk my life guys, I can promise that.

With all of that being said, I want to thank y'all for y'all's concern for me. It's nice to know y'all care.

When I wrote that that email was a turning point, I meant it.

The only talk I have now of "whether I want to close the door" is talking about the future and HER. i am FULLY aware that door is shut on my end.

[Skip]

I am not going to risk my life guys, I can promise that.

Then what did you mean by this:

on April 19th, I made a decision that would forever alter my journey, bring me to the brink of a life ruining situation, and finally, help me get out of it.

After having been previously warned by a police officer that any contact with my ex girlfriend would result in being charged with harassment, after over 2 months, I took my life into my own hands... .

I'm not busting you to harm you, but I am outing you to yourself.

What is real here, reecer?

Or far more importantly here:

I knew that I was taking the biggest risk of my life. I was literally risking jailtime and the end of any future career, and putting it in the hands of a disordered girl.

On April 19th, a Monday, I receieved a phone call from her college: She does not want to file charges. Do not contact her again, have a nice day.

I was spared.

There are no restraining orders, there's just warnings from CAMPUS police.

If there was no civil restraint in place, the only enforcement options were to spend $1,000 to get a civil restraining order or peace bond or to go the criminal route (its hard to imagine a local DA jumping on a love letter writer).

What was spared? This was a huge point (and relief) to you yesterday?

Again, not judging you or trying to embarrass - do you believe what you are writing?

I sense that you do believe this.  That you are a sincere guy.  Honest.  Open.  Hurting.

So what does this mean then?  Is this a place to start looking at yourself?  How you are coping?  Where you might be creeping a bit out of bounds?

This is hard stuff - looking inward.  This is a safe place to do it.

[DyingLove]

The question is... . are you going to stop pursuing her in your dreams?

Skip, your post told it like it was.  Not harsh, but firm.  Maybe too hard for someone hurting or "raw" to feel comfortable about.  But lets face it, at one point we need to pick ourselves up and get on with life.  There is NOTHING about BPD that it easy... .oh maybe meeting the BPD person as they plan our future demise by making life seem so grand, and then crushing us like a little kid stepping on and squishing a bunch of ants.

But otherwise your words hit home and too the point. Thank you.

[Skip]

Maybe too hard for someone hurting or "raw" to feel comfortable about.

That's something I worry about, too.

Like golf, it's easy to see what someone basically needs to do - its much harder when you're the one swinging the club.

I'm wanted to put this out there as a light house - a beacon lighting an endpoint and path to try to follow.  

Tagging the destination is easy.

The hard part is the journey.

[cosmonaut]

Like golf, it's easy to see what someone basically needs to do - its much harder when you're the one swinging the club.

Indeed, this is really hard stuff.  Like so many of us here, I've been through this as well, and it's been a miserable experience.  I think we can all understand Reecer's pain.

Reecer, we have your best interests at heart.  Everyone here just wants to help you, because we know you are suffering and in great pain.  I'm so happy that your last letter to your ex has helped you to begin to let go.  Keep going with that.  It's a very hard, but very brave thing to do.  And it's the most loving thing you can do for both yourself and your ex.   

[Reecer1588]

What was spared? This was a huge point (and relief) to you yesterday?

Then what did you mean by this:

on April 19th, I made a decision that would forever alter my journey, bring me to the brink of a life ruining situation, and finally, help me get out of it.

After having been previously warned by a police officer that any contact with my ex girlfriend would result in being charged with harassment, after over 2 months, I took my life into my own hands... .

I meant that AT that time (although it was only a few days ago) I WAS willing to throw away my future just to contact her. This has firmly changed.

She had every right to file charges on me if she wanted to do so. I am not denying this fact. She did not communicate the details of the email to the officer, just the fact that I had contacted her. And had she told her mother that I had contacted her (which it is significant that she did not, considering how enmeshed she is with her), the mother would have shown no mercy. It was her decision to tell the officer that she did NOT want to file the charges on me. I'm not saying that she DID NOT punish me, nor am I 'grateful' to her. I'm just counting my lucky stars.

Again, not judging you or trying to embarrass - do you believe what you are writing?

I have always written with conviction. Whether using my logical/emotional/wise mind, I've always written my true convictions.

So what does this mean then?  Is this a place to start looking at yourself?  How you are coping?  Where you might be creeping a bit out of bounds?

How does it make me feel that this girl who absolutely adored me for over a year of her life, who professed to love me deeply, who I poured my heart into, now turns any contact I have with her into the authorities? How does it make me feel that everything happened so quickly and drastically? It's put me through mental hell. When I say now that I'm convicted to never contact her again first, even 20 years down the road, I mean it. I can't keep doing this to myself. And I stopped looking at her social media. I blocked her and all of her friends on facebook, April 21st was day 1 of NC for me.

When I sent that letter, I was in a dark place. I felt like I had screwed everything up. I felt like a total failure. I failed in my relationship with the girl I love, I screwed up on here, I was just a huge failure. And the idea that the last words of mine would be hateful, it was eating me alive. I couldn't do it. I could NOT allow my last words to reflect that I hated her and didn't care. That I thought she was cold and manipulative and would end up like her mother. And it may seem silly to many of you, considering you would probably love to tell your ex's that, but you know what? It wasn't silly to me. I couldn't LIVE with myself knowing that was the last thing of mine she read. So I decided I was going to risk my future for one last loving email that told her that I still cared about her, and that I would always be here for her. THAT is a true reflection of Reece's character. Not the vitriol, not the hate.

I am a man of clear conscious now. I fought till the bitter end. I was a loving, dedicated, loyal partner who adored his girlfriend. It's NOT my fault that she threw me away like trash. I took the high road with this email. I am satisfied if she literally never speaks to me again (though I doubt it), I am content knowing MY final words were words of love.

Is my pain, my journey over? No.

[Reecer1588]

I have been in communication with another member and he summarized what I've been feeling very well.

what youre essentially saying is "well, regardless of your actions, you have BPD. you have BPD so i dont really believe you, after all, you dont know what you really want. your reaction to contact is to contact police, but i think maybe youll change your mind after x amount of time.

I will be perfectly honest. I do not DENY the actions of my ex. I don't deny what they mean. I understand that until the day comes that changes things (and it may never come) I must assume her actions means she never wants to interact with me again.

I'm not going to wait around for things to change. I'm making an effort to rebuild my life and to move forward in my healing.