Another "I hate you. We're through" Episode

[maryy16]

After 30+ years dealing with my BPDH, I am still amazed at the speed at which a perfectly good day can descend into madness.

Yesterday we're at a restaurant. The waiter brought our drinks. We're BOTH happy, having a good conversation. After bringing our drinks, the waiter kind of disappeared and after 10 minutes had not come back to take our order.

H asks me if I want to go some place else. I say "let's wait another minute" thinking that it'll take longer to leave and find another place. Still no waiter. H says " Let's leave." I say we can't because we've drank the drinks. H says "Leave $5 and let's get out of here," I say that I'm not sure how much the drinks were (no price on the menu either) and I'll find out how much we owe and we can go.

Enter waiter at that moment. Well, by now H is so steaming mad. I tell the waiter that we've been waiting too long and want to just pay for the drinks, and H says to the waiter "F*ck this place!" Waiter tells him not to use that language with him and to just leave. H says a few more choice things and we leave. I'm so embarrassed and H not embarrassed at all.

Well, after we leave I tell H that his behavior was uncalled for and that he has to use the tools he's learned and not let himself get to that point. (He's in therapy and on medication).

Now, of course, he turns his anger on me and within a few minutes he "hates me and we're through. "

Now, after being with him for so long, I have lived this exact scenario so many times. It's always the same. I remained calm and let him rant and rave about how horrible I am, and how I'm his ONLY trigger, and he only gets mad when I'm around, etc. etc.

So one minute we're having a good time. Ten minutes later he's mad at the WAITER. Five minutes after that, he hates ME and "we're through." So, love to divorce in 15 minutes. Truly amazing and utterly sad how their minds and emotions work.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

I've had it go from "love" to "I hate you" to "don't leave me" and "I want sex" in less than an hour.

[MercuryHat]

Wow! I am so sorry for you. That is so emotionally devastating. And, as typical, out of the blue. Another successful sideswipe from BPD!

I truly feel your pain and share my own version of it.

When he comes back around will he will expect you to be resilient, forgiving and accommodating?

[Ceruleanblue]

Wow, I sure can relate to your post. It's small comfort, but at least you seem to know that he actually isn't going anywhere. My BPDh actually has left once(blaming me for all, saying HE just wanted to be happy... .like it's my job to make him happy?), and he used the "we are done" threat long before that. He stopped the threats for a while, but I always know they are likely to come back into usage. If I had never been left(had an abusive 1st marriage end suddenly after many years) in the past, or BPDh leave, I'd be able to be like you, and just blow off the threats.

I so wish they could actually use the tools they are given, but I'm seeing that BPDh, isn't using much of what he's learning in his DBT therapy, and his medicine doesn't seem to help as much as I'd hoped either. I think so much of it boils down to self control, and them wanting to change/control bad behaviors. If they feel entitled, and if it isn't seriously effecting their quality of life(as in hitting rock bottom... .and heck, they have US to cushion them from that), then some of these people with BPD, in my opinion, just coast. I've not given up hope that BPDh will start using more of the "tools", but so far, he dysregulates and it's right back to what he's always done, and I'm not even getting apologies now.

Like you, whenever he's mad at something else, it spills onto me, and I somehow end up getting blamed for trying to calm the situation, and even if I don't react in any way. Your statement of how your are his ONLY trigger... .I've heard that so many, many times. It used to hurt me, because at first I believed it on some level, but then I started hearing about his past. Several former bosses have been a "trigger" to him, his ex was a "trigger", my son became a trigger, and now I'm a trigger. HE'S the common denominator, and now I remind myself of that!

[maryy16]

After the "episode" is over, BPDH will reset to normal and it's as if it never happened. While I believe he knows he's wrong on some level, I truly believe that there's a part of him that hangs on to that sense of entitlement. That sense of "well, they had it coming." It doesn't appear that he feels any embarrassment or humiliation from his actions, even after he resets.

[vortex of confusion]

I can relate. I have had those moments of him threatening or implying divorce after having a good conversation moments before.

As I was reading your story, I was wondering if this is how it usually goes down. Is it customary for you to suggest that you stay longer? Do you think that things would have been different if you had said, "Yeah, let's go. You go start the car and I will take care of the drink charges." That is a trick that I have picked up over the years. If I sense things getting weird, I tell my husband to take the kids to the car and let me take care of things. If it is one of the kids getting ready to dysregulate, I tell him that I will take the kids to the car and he can finish up with whatever.

Is there a reason that the two of you have to leave together?

[maryy16]

Vortex... .Actually that's exactly what I thought that I should have done, and will do if/when this happens again. As this episode was going down, I honestly didn't think he was that far gone, and that he'd be okay if we waited a few more minutes. He's been in therapy and had been using his tools to calm himself down pretty well until this time. It really took me by surprise since he had been doing so well.

In the past when this has happened, we have left, but in those cases we did not have drinks or anything else to pay for. Unfortunately, it's live and learn

[vortex of confusion]

Vortex... .Actually that's exactly what I thought that I should have done, and will do if/when this happens again. As this episode was going down, I honestly didn't think he was that far gone, and that he'd be okay if we waited a few more minutes. He's been in therapy and had been using his tools to calm himself down pretty well until this time. It really took me by surprise since he had been doing so well.

In the past when this has happened, we have left, but in those cases we did not have drinks or anything else to pay for. Unfortunately, it's live and learn

It is so hard to tell. There are times when it feels like, "Oh hey, did anybody catch the number on that bus that came out of nowhere and just hit me?"

My husband tends to go from A to blow up when he is hungry. If I am hungry too, then forget it. There is no hope of us having anything that even remotely resembles anything civil because I will forget and say or do something stupid.