I think he is the quiet type – I am so confused and hurt… (please help)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi... .

I am not really sure of where to post... . I am in the process of leaving more than being undecided, I guess... . but I am not all ready for the "harsher" tone in the "leaving"-forum.

So here goes... . and this is long, I know. Writing my thoughts and emotions is my primary way of dealing with difficult stuff, I need it to keep in balance, to understand my situation and myself. I have been doing it all my life... . Come to think of it, I probably have a rather strong "wise mind"   

8 weeks ago I looked lovingly at the Man whom I’ve loved for nearly two years, as he stepped on the bus to take him back to his home city, to be with his kids (every other week). Yes, we’ve had our difficulties, and I was proud of how we worked with them. I had identified the FOG, we had our attachment styles assessed ;-) , and I put my feelings into words about his habit of accusing and blaming me for things instead of talking about his own emotions. 

Our difficulties were ours in private. He does not do any other harmful things, he is sort of a shy and polite man, never raising his voice towards the kids or others, there are no addictions or  other sorts of destructive, impulsive behavior. He knows how important it is for him to feel safe and secure, and pretty much organizes his life to maintain these principles.

So, in our relationship there hasn’t been any of these classic textbook borderline “craziness”.  But 7 weeks ago something happened. He didn’t not want to have the intense daily contact we always had (because he “needed it”), and after some silence he sent me some emails that left me in total shock and despair. I could not believe what I read – it seemed like he suddenly hated my guts! It was so confusing and so hurtful that I entered the net searching for info about defense mechanisms, because I identified the severe projection and the splitting – what a shock!  I kept on reading… trailing whatever I recognized from our relationship… the emotional rollercoaster, the intensity of the relation, the twisted accusations, the emotional blackmailing, the protests of me doing anything outside of the relationship. And you all know what I found… I found Borderline.

I could not believe it… and a part of me still can’t. In my eyes, the next step of this relationship would be engagement, but instead, there was silence and anger and jealousy and painting me very, very black. I have been reading a lot about borderline for the last 6-7 weeks. Would he meet the criteria for diagnosis? I’m not sure. Is he deeply affected with the core issues of borderline? Yes, I strongly believe that.

After 5 weeks of separation and very little contact he visited me, and we did have a  good time, we talked about difficult topics better than before, but it ended with him stating that he needed to live at his home and not with us, and that he would only come to visit us. He couldn't say when or how much. He portrayed our relationships as a very skewed one, where he was giving and I recieving, and that he couldn't do that anymore.

I was so hurt by this, and he seemed totally unaware of the strain and pain he had put on me (and partly the kids who missed him), so I responded by saying that he could pack his things and leave my key – when he seemed shocked over this turn, I pointet out that he actually was breaking up our routine of living together as a family (part time), and if he wanted “just to visit” and not to be like a family any more, than he had to do just that. I don’t think he saw that one coming…

Two weeks ago he packed his things and left a huge void in my house, in my life. We did not say “it’s over”, we did say “I love you”. I didn’t know if we had broken up or not… spooky… a little red flag just there, I guess …

One week ago I met with our family counceler, who knows both of us. I cried and talked about my confusion, but not about that I suspect Borderline personality disorder is at play here. But the therapist actually stated quite clearly that there were things going on in this relationship that I should not put up with. He addressed how difficult it is when only one person’s definition of love and how to do it, is acknowledged, and not the others'. How unhealthy it gets when the relationship has room only for one of the persons’ needs, not both of them. How one enters a risk zone when the expectations of what the other person should do (to avoid the other getting hurt for instance) becomes a core concern. The T simply said that I needed to get out of this.

I cried my heart out that evening. And the next day, I sat down and wrote an email to my Man. Nothing angry, no blaming. Well, I did describe that I was confused and in pain and had trouble understanding our situation, and that’s way I hadn’t responded to his last text messages. (And he thought that was terrible blaming of me to say that… he obviously doesn’t know what blaming really is … 

So... . I wrote him an email. Where I stated my needs. It felt scary to do so. It felt very uneasy… I’m not good at stating my needs! It scares me, to be honest, to state my needs. (I know. A issue to look into right there. I’m on it.) So, totally without blaming and just being very, very honest, I stated that I need to have a social life that is larger than my relationship, that I need all the things and people “out there” that make me a better person  - and I need a partner who understands this and do not blame me for it or portrays me as a bad person (egoistic,  probably unfaithful, not caring, not loving) when I do those things that are actually good for me, for us. I stated that I needed that my definition of loving and caring are as valid as my partner’s. I stated that I needed to just be me…. (that is somehow a strange thing to say… I mean, when you reach the point that you have to spell out: I need to be just me… that means something, doesn’t it…)

Well, maybe I shall translate my statements and put it up here later on the forum? 

In short, what I was doing: I did a little research project where I wanted to examine: This Sea of Love, what’s in it? The bumps on the surface, is it slush that I easily can shove aside? Or: Is it the tip of the iceberg? Or rather: Is this sea so full of icebergs that it's impossible for me to sail through here?

So I sent a mail that was all about my needs and my boundaries. I needed to do that examination. And the results didn’t surprise me. I received long, angry emails in return, criticizing me to pieces.

I realized: One week ago I would have been destroyed of all the things he says about me, the twisted way he analyzes me and the situation, the demeaning descriptions. But now… I just felt like… clear and rational, seeing that this is all about him being very irrational and extremely self-centered. It is all about his feelings. He is desperately trying to control the situation, to “make me” see things his way. And I have been seeing things his way. I have learned a lot, and I truly appreciate his outlook on many things (values: the importance of family and kids, avoid stress, anti-materialistic living etc etc).

But now, this was about me standing up for my core values, this was me telling what I need to have in my life. Me drawing a clear boundary. Telling him that in my opinion, a close and intimate relationship is fully compatible with each person being an individual and seeking the positive things in life outside the relationship too, either alone or together with somebody else. That I need to be trusted as a kind and loving partner when I am happy doing other things as being with friends, going to the theater, travelling, listening to music alone one evening... . u name it, the list is long! It’s all about me doing the positive things (=that are not harmful in any way to anybody), it is about my core belief that love is to set free, that love aspires the other to be himself/herself fully. My ideal of love is to help the other reach his/her full potential, not in means of being materialistic successful, but in terms of being in harmony with oneself and the people that matters in your life.

Yes, I have longed all my life for the intense togetherness of this relationship. I have never ever been loved – or loved – this way. It has filled deep voids inside me. To be honest:  The voids are still there, they are not full, I still long for more. 

But I think it is possible to have this sort of strong and unified “us” and still be able to respect and nourish each person’s individuality. He for sure, has been telling me otherwise!

There has been one week since my emails and his’ ranting over them, and then his final text stating he gives up, he doesn’t want to fight this any more, that he sets himself free, and that I am free too. I gave him a short reply that I too didn’t see the point in working so hard to reach something that should come automatically, and that it was too bad he didn’t have room for me and my things.

And that’s the last he has heard from me. For me, it was over that day, that evening.

Now I am not sure if he understands that we are broken up… and it seems so silly to saythis out loud. He wrote me a text saying: “Seems like you want the silence for now, and I’ll try to give that to you for as long as you need it”.   

So… what do I do? My plan was to stay “no contact”. But I guess I have to say it out clearly, me too, that I don’t want this anymore, that we are over. I start crying just writing it. Cause… until 8 weeks ago, this has been an extremely positive experience for me. Yes, I see now what have been wrong, and it coulnd’t continue on those terms, but I have been living my dream, my clear feeling of this is that it was overall good, 90% of the time, I had a bliss, everything I ever dreamt of. I could have lived with the 10% bad stuff, but… seeing now that this 10% probably is the tip of the iceberg, and a level of 90% intense happiness is anyway over, that we actually are in a downward negative spiral…

I find it so hard to build my decision not to stay (or, probably it’s not up to me to decide, he has already pulled out cause he can’t control this relationship to the extent he needs to keep his anxieties in place, I think) on insight and reflection alone… I mean, if he had been a real jerk and bully and doing the crazy stuff, if I had experienced that, I would feel like my decision, my point of view were grounded.

I acknowledge that we developed our relationship in toxic ways, me being codependent and complying to him desperately trying to control his own fears and anxieties.

I say this with respect for him: I do not think he is at a position where he is able to change our relationship into a healthier version. I don’t think he is mature and ready to do that. I think he has a long way to go, starting by acknowledging ownership of his own feelings. Working on his boundaries. This is confusing, cause he is so intelligent and articulate, he knows how to talk about complex issues; yes, they are somewhat twisted and turned sometimes, other times he is spot on, his sensitivity also giving him the power to “read” other people.

I feel terrible to let “US” (our relationship) down, to discard us. It’s an unspeakable act, not an option at all. Together4ever, no matter what!

I feel safe about where I am heading when simply stating my own needs puts him over the edge. Conveys that there is no room for me. It was all about his needs… or to be fair: As long as my needs fell into the same form and activities as his needs, everything was fine.  And the future prospect of this relation getting worse and not better: I fully comprehend that that is an option I cannot choose for my life and my kids.

I’ve started reading “The high conflict couple” yesterday. (Too bad the front page now refers to the authors as being leading in the field of Borderline pd!) It gives me tremendous calmness to read these simple sentences (Fruzetti, 2006: p.25):

“When your partner does something you like, she or he is not a wonderful partner. When your partner does something you don’t like, he or she is not an awful partner”.

If any sentences could sum up the logic of our relation (or should I rather say: the dynamics he put into this relationship), this would be it. WOW all the energy I have used to fight this notion, eh, of me being awful… I have embraced and enjoyed being wonderful (for the first time ever… I really needed that…. Uhm… A lot of self-psychology on my steps, I would say  ).

It has been a wonderful time! I have received so many things in this relationship, not only to me, but him being there for my kids, I truly find his fathering superb, to share parenthood for the first time, ahh, what a bliss. My love for him is going deep, for all the joy and love we do have made together.

And now I cannot continue because of his faulty logic and lack of maturity to work on himself?

I know the correct answer is yes! But it hurts! And it is still so confusing! A part of me wishes he would do something so bad that I could easily say to him: We are OVER and I never want to hear from you again! But, on the other hand, I know this is faulty logic as well! 

Thank you guys for reading in. This forum is a life-saver with its grounded wisdom derived from experience, coupled with the academic insight. Got to love it 

Thanx,

Indiegrl

[Indiegrl]

Hi... .

I am not really sure of where to post... . I am in the process of leaving more than being undecided, I guess... . but I am not all ready for the "harsher" tone in the "leaving"-forum.

So here goes... . and this is long, I know. Writing my thoughts and emotions is my primary way of dealing with difficult stuff, I need it to keep in balance, to understand my situation and myself. I have been doing it all my life... . Come to think of it, I probably have a rather strong "wise mind"   

8 weeks ago I looked lovingly at the Man whom I’ve loved for nearly two years, as he stepped on the bus to take him back to his home city, to be with his kids (every other week). Yes, we’ve had our difficulties, and I was proud of how we worked with them. I had identified the FOG, we had our attachment styles assessed ;-) , and I put my feelings into words about his habit of accusing and blaming me for things instead of talking about his own emotions. 

Our difficulties were ours in private. He does not do any other harmful things, he is sort of a shy and polite man, never raising his voice towards the kids or others, there are no addictions or  other sorts of destructive, impulsive behavior. He knows how important it is for him to feel safe and secure, and pretty much organizes his life to maintain these principles.

So, in our relationship there hasn’t been any of these classic textbook borderline “craziness”.  But 7 weeks ago something happened. He didn’t not want to have the intense daily contact we always had (because he “needed it”), and after some silence he sent me some emails that left me in total shock and despair. I could not believe what I read – it seemed like he suddenly hated my guts! It was so confusing and so hurtful that I entered the net searching for info about defense mechanisms, because I identified the severe projection and the splitting – what a shock!  I kept on reading… trailing whatever I recognized from our relationship… the emotional rollercoaster, the intensity of the relation, the twisted accusations, the emotional blackmailing, the protests of me doing anything outside of the relationship. And you all know what I found… I found Borderline.

I could not believe it… and a part of me still can’t. In my eyes, the next step of this relationship would be engagement, but instead, there was silence and anger and jealousy and painting me very, very black. I have been reading a lot about borderline for the last 6-7 weeks. Would he meet the criteria for diagnosis? I’m not sure. Is he deeply affected with the core issues of borderline? Yes, I strongly believe that.

After 5 weeks of separation and very little contact he visited me, and we did have a  good time, we talked about difficult topics better than before, but it ended with him stating that he needed to live at his home and not with us, and that he would only come to visit us. He couldn't say when or how much. He portrayed our relationships as a very skewed one, where he was giving and I recieving, and that he couldn't do that anymore.

I was so hurt by this, and he seemed totally unaware of the strain and pain he had put on me (and partly the kids who missed him), so I responded by saying that he could pack his things and leave my key – when he seemed shocked over this turn, I pointet out that he actually was breaking up our routine of living together as a family (part time), and if he wanted “just to visit” and not to be like a family any more, than he had to do just that. I don’t think he saw that one coming…

Two weeks ago he packed his things and left a huge void in my house, in my life. We did not say “it’s over”, we did say “I love you”. I didn’t know if we had broken up or not… spooky… a little red flag just there, I guess …

One week ago I met with our family counceler, who knows both of us. I cried and talked about my confusion, but not about that I suspect Borderline personality disorder is at play here. But the therapist actually stated quite clearly that there were things going on in this relationship that I should not put up with. He addressed how difficult it is when only one person’s definition of love and how to do it, is acknowledged, and not the others'. How unhealthy it gets when the relationship has room only for one of the persons’ needs, not both of them. How one enters a risk zone when the expectations of what the other person should do (to avoid the other getting hurt for instance) becomes a core concern. The T simply said that I needed to get out of this.

I cried my heart out that evening. And the next day, I sat down and wrote an email to my Man. Nothing angry, no blaming. Well, I did describe that I was confused and in pain and had trouble understanding our situation, and that’s way I hadn’t responded to his last text messages. (And he thought that was terrible blaming of me to say that… he obviously doesn’t know what blaming really is … 

So... . I wrote him an email. Where I stated my needs. It felt scary to do so. It felt very uneasy… I’m not good at stating my needs! It scares me, to be honest, to state my needs. (I know. A issue to look into right there. I’m on it.) So, totally without blaming and just being very, very honest, I stated that I need to have a social life that is larger than my relationship, that I need all the things and people “out there” that make me a better person  - and I need a partner who understands this and do not blame me for it or portrays me as a bad person (egoistic,  probably unfaithful, not caring, not loving) when I do those things that are actually good for me, for us. I stated that I needed that my definition of loving and caring are as valid as my partner’s. I stated that I needed to just be me…. (that is somehow a strange thing to say… I mean, when you reach the point that you have to spell out: I need to be just me… that means something, doesn’t it…)

Well, maybe I shall translate my statements and put it up here later on the forum? 

In short, what I was doing: I did a little research project where I wanted to examine: This Sea of Love, what’s in it? The bumps on the surface, is it slush that I easily can shove aside? Or: Is it the tip of the iceberg? Or rather: Is this sea so full of icebergs that it's impossible for me to sail through here?

So I sent a mail that was all about my needs and my boundaries. I needed to do that examination. And the results didn’t surprise me. I received long, angry emails in return, criticizing me to pieces.

I realized: One week ago I would have been destroyed of all the things he says about me, the twisted way he analyzes me and the situation, the demeaning descriptions. But now… I just felt like… clear and rational, seeing that this is all about him being very irrational and extremely self-centered. It is all about his feelings. He is desperately trying to control the situation, to “make me” see things his way. And I have been seeing things his way. I have learned a lot, and I truly appreciate his outlook on many things (values: the importance of family and kids, avoid stress, anti-materialistic living etc etc).

But now, this was about me standing up for my core values, this was me telling what I need to have in my life. Me drawing a clear boundary. Telling him that in my opinion, a close and intimate relationship is fully compatible with each person being an individual and seeking the positive things in life outside the relationship too, either alone or together with somebody else. That I need to be trusted as a kind and loving partner when I am happy doing other things as being with friends, going to the theater, travelling, listening to music alone one evening... . u name it, the list is long! It’s all about me doing the positive things (=that are not harmful in any way to anybody), it is about my core belief that love is to set free, that love aspires the other to be himself/herself fully. My ideal of love is to help the other reach his/her full potential, not in means of being materialistic successful, but in terms of being in harmony with oneself and the people that matters in your life.

Yes, I have longed all my life for the intense togetherness of this relationship. I have never ever been loved – or loved – this way. It has filled deep voids inside me. To be honest:  The voids are still there, they are not full, I still long for more. 

But I think it is possible to have this sort of strong and unified “us” and still be able to respect and nourish each person’s individuality. He for sure, has been telling me otherwise!

There has been one week since my emails and his’ ranting over them, and then his final text stating he gives up, he doesn’t want to fight this any more, that he sets himself free, and that I am free too. I gave him a short reply that I too didn’t see the point in working so hard to reach something that should come automatically, and that it was too bad he didn’t have room for me and my things.

And that’s the last he has heard from me. For me, it was over that day, that evening.

Now I am not sure if he understands that we are broken up… and it seems so silly to saythis out loud. He wrote me a text saying: “Seems like you want the silence for now, and I’ll try to give that to you for as long as you need it”.   

So… what do I do? My plan was to stay “no contact”. But I guess I have to say it out clearly, me too, that I don’t want this anymore, that we are over. I start crying just writing it. Cause… until 8 weeks ago, this has been an extremely positive experience for me. Yes, I see now what have been wrong, and it coulnd’t continue on those terms, but I have been living my dream, my clear feeling of this is that it was overall good, 90% of the time, I had a bliss, everything I ever dreamt of. I could have lived with the 10% bad stuff, but… seeing now that this 10% probably is the tip of the iceberg, and a level of 90% intense happiness is anyway over, that we actually are in a downward negative spiral…

I find it so hard to build my decision not to stay (or, probably it’s not up to me to decide, he has already pulled out cause he can’t control this relationship to the extent he needs to keep his anxieties in place, I think) on insight and reflection alone… I mean, if he had been a real jerk and bully and doing the crazy stuff, if I had experienced that, I would feel like my decision, my point of view were grounded.

I acknowledge that we developed our relationship in toxic ways, me being codependent and complying to him desperately trying to control his own fears and anxieties.

I say this with respect for him: I do not think he is at a position where he is able to change our relationship into a healthier version. I don’t think he is mature and ready to do that. I think he has a long way to go, starting by acknowledging ownership of his own feelings. Working on his boundaries. This is confusing, cause he is so intelligent and articulate, he knows how to talk about complex issues; yes, they are somewhat twisted and turned sometimes, other times he is spot on, his sensitivity also giving him the power to “read” other people.

I feel terrible to let “US” (our relationship) down, to discard us. It’s an unspeakable act, not an option at all. Together4ever, no matter what!

I feel safe about where I am heading when simply stating my own needs puts him over the edge. Conveys that there is no room for me. It was all about his needs… or to be fair: As long as my needs fell into the same form and activities as his needs, everything was fine.  And the future prospect of this relation getting worse and not better: I fully comprehend that that is an option I cannot choose for my life and my kids.

I’ve started reading “The high conflict couple” yesterday. (Too bad the front page now refers to the authors as being leading in the field of Borderline pd!) It gives me tremendous calmness to read these simple sentences (Fruzetti, 2006: p.25):

“When your partner does something you like, she or he is not a wonderful partner. When your partner does something you don’t like, he or she is not an awful partner”.

If any sentences could sum up the logic of our relation (or should I rather say: the dynamics he put into this relationship), this would be it. WOW all the energy I have used to fight this notion, eh, of me being awful… I have embraced and enjoyed being wonderful (for the first time ever… I really needed that…. Uhm… A lot of self-psychology on my steps, I would say  ).

It has been a wonderful time! I have received so many things in this relationship, not only to me, but him being there for my kids, I truly find his fathering superb, to share parenthood for the first time, ahh, what a bliss. My love for him is going deep, for all the joy and love we do have made together.

And now I cannot continue because of his faulty logic and lack of maturity to work on himself?

I know the correct answer is yes! But it hurts! And it is still so confusing! A part of me wishes he would do something so bad that I could easily say to him: We are OVER and I never want to hear from you again! But, on the other hand, I know this is faulty logic as well! 

Thank you guys for reading in. This forum is a life-saver with its grounded wisdom derived from experience, coupled with the academic insight. Got to love it 

Thanx,

Indiegrl

[Thread]

Sounds like youre addicted to the good stuff youre having a hard time leaving.  He sounds like a wonderful man.  Mine is too.  Can't give you much advice, it hurts leaving since I've done that for a whole year, but being back again now knowing what I am involved in, staying doesn't hurt any less when they start freaking out because you went to go grab a coffee with your cousin, invited him first, he said no, then said you were sneaking out after he went to the grocery store... . this is just one situation... . these events and episodes happen a few times a week, a few times a day, sometimes disappear and there is newly wed bliss, but BANG and its back, spiraling out of control and it could be just because you asked your dad to come look at your car. I don't have advice, just understanding and empathy.  Leaving hurts, being left hurts, but staying hurts as well and makes you feel crazier.

[Indiegrl]

Thanks for sharing, Hanging, I appreciate it. He is a wonderful man, in so many ways he is the man I have dreamt of all my life. And yes, I do feel addicted to the good stuff going on in this relationship.

But I do fear the longterm consequences of staying, or rather: Moving permanently to his house. I want the big, happy familiy, the intimacy and safety of a family nest, but my mind keeps telling me that my own life will shrink even more... . now I have a independent base in my life, and I find it very hard (if not impossible), to do the things that make me happy outside the relationship, as being social with friends (female AND male) now, how would it not be if I left this and lived with him full time?

This wrong focus: As if it is about me doing "bad" or potential harmful things, when it really is all about him not trusting me. "I cannot trust you"... . "there is something about you that makes it impossible for me to trust you". Yeah right. If you can't trust me, you should get a dog instead! Really! I am truly tired of having to deal with the "wrong focus" all the time. Instead of trusting and appreciating the wonderful things we experience together, it is this constant search for potential betreyal and trying to prevent dreadful things to happen in the future by excercising control. That makes a rather toxic environment, or should I say, base... . as if the basement is made up of not the right material, and it will not last. It's counterproductive in the worst way... . almost a bit ironic... .

The "freaking out" over innocent things, the "revenge" by behaving like I have done something terrible when it really was nothing... . (yes, very invalidating, I know) - has made me very alert, on my toes, so to speak, kind of looking over my shoulder, not really understanding why and when I've done something wrong. That's very stressfull. As you say, it still hurts, but you feel crazier than if you were alone. Alone, I can build my life and self-worth in healthy ways.

Hanging; if you have been without him for a year, what made you go back?

I give you a hug 

[Thread]

I didn't really know or educate myself on the BPD.  I didn't know for sure unitl he was back in my life.  He also is an incredible man, no one on the outside knows the difficult side.  His family has the same issues so they don't see it either.  Mine recently have seen the edginess, for the most part I know when to not socialize with him if I see his moodiness rising.  

I too feel like we have built so much its perfect when its good, but when his "feelings" overtake reality its not good.  I also married him, and being raised very Christian it is hard to just sign the divorce papers, also knowing he was raised the same and would feel more disappointment and judgment from his family members makes me feel bad.

Just letting you know from experience to live with it, it gets harder, sometimes I wish we were still just dating because at least there was the few days or day of separation and our own lives.  Its almost like the closer you get the more the conflict arises, the neediness, but then belittling or putting you down so that you don't get too independent from them.  I just realized how much I try to avoid conflicts, like not doing what I want to do like go out with a friend for lunch because he's home alone, I've even eat less food because hes so worried about finances I don't want him freaking out, I barely express what I need or want because hes so busy doing it for the both of us.  The jealousy over people I care about, not even males but females is sickening, to the point were hes cold to them.  I don't let them know, but it gets very awkward when he just goes to his room and doesn't come out.  Control is a big thing.  How I park, or how I cut mushrooms for dinner, even things that are out of his routine, even if theyre nice like making him breakfast one morning will throw him off.  He quit smoking for a bit, but the episodes got so bad I was happy to see him start again (however he hid it from me for maybe 6 months to the point of saying he smelled like cigarettes because his boss and him had the same size uniform and she smokes constantly) But for me luckily thats all I deal with.

No sexual additions, no drug additions, no alcohol problems.  

I don't know what to say other than living together I don't think makes it better.  Ive even noticed my adoration for my cat makes him mad.  Once during an episode he kind of angrily yelled at the cat for being in his way.  No abuse or anything has ever happened, but its like the jealousy towards the things and people or animals you care about when they are feeling insecure... .

Hope this is insightful.

If I leave again I worry about the suicide threats being real instead of manipulative

If I leave I have to dissolve something that has become really wonderful we built together

If I leave we will probably have to file for bankruptcy due to the thing above that is currently successful

If I leave I'm afraid theres worse out there and other than the BPD hes amazing and my soulmate

but the BPD is very very difficult causing me extreme anxiety because I keep walking on eggshells and when I stop I pay for it by his outbursts of insecurity rage or just belittling.  

[Indiegrl]

Oh dear Hanging,

my heart goes out to you.

Dont't blame yourself for not knowing and educating yourself on BPD. You are doing now, and that is great. I do understand the pressure of staying married, that takes a toll on us. But what if you were to care for yourself? Taking care - good care - of yourself? Even going to the step of loving yourself? (It's radical, I know   )

One article that has given me a lot these weeks of selfeducating and reorienting, is this piece (of art) wrtitten by Skip from this forum. Have you seen it? It hurts reading, and that's why I know there is truth in there... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Take a deep breath. You have started a journey, and noone is making you do anything before you are ready to do it, okey? It is your choice. Take your time. Breathe with your stomach. And try to focus on YOURSELF. What do YOU want from your life? This life, here and now, as starting from today.

[felix22]

 Leaving hurts, being left hurts, but staying hurts as well and makes you feel crazier.

Good quote. Hang in there Indie! I always love reading your posts. Too bad you don't live near me. You seem like a catch. Intelligent, thoughtful, kind, etc. Have you thought of dating someone else? I know it's counter-intuitive; that we have to suffer and heal before moving on, right? Maybe going out with someone else and finding yourself having a good time would help?

[Indiegrl]

felix22: Thank you very much for the compliments

To be honest: I will not date anyone for a very long time! I have for the first time recognized that I do have some codependency-issues to take care of. This experience of being sucked in and adjusting myself past what I think is appropriate and healthy because I want that love and affection soo badly, well, I won't do that again.

I wish I knew what I was up to! Well, but I will turn this out to be a crucial learning experience. I always put myself last, and I find it very hard to ask for anything for myself. I have to create that spot as a legitime place to stand solid in my self.

So... . dating definitively has to wait. But I have friends. Friends that I have neglected during the last two years, being with him. First the standard "falling in love neglect" and later I adjusted to his needs, that is, I didn't have the space to do my friendships any more.

I have had male friends all my life. And I mean friends, not a fuzzy category of friends with shady benefits or anything. So if they still will "have me", I have a pool of excellent people to catch up with... . I never ever am going to ditch  my friends like this again. I will stand solid in my value that my friends are very important to me, and at the same time I want to live in an intimate relationship with a SO. I will have both. I will not be told that I am egoistic and not being able to do the necessary sacrifices which the love-relationship needs, if I sometimes prioritize my friendships... . Hm, hard to give examples, because it did't happen, only in theory, cause I was so dam*n good at adjusting.

Way too flexible. I think that being flexible is a gift you bring to the relationship, but sometimes I think I'm doing too much flexing... . by being too good at placing others' needs before my own. Sometimes that is good, other times that IS bad, or should I say: Very very counterproductive.

Oh, I wish I knew! In retrospect: Soo many things I have being doing wrong!

*lessons learned*  

[Thread]

Indiegrl,

I am so enamored by your posts. They speak loudly and are very easy to identify with. I love how I can actually feel your introspection while I read them. You are right I need to put my foot down and start being a little selfish in a good way. Start loving me again. It's a hard process to start since BPD is use to me flexing and bending to fit his ideas on our marriage.

Everything you have written I have gone through or am going through. I actually just read what codependency is. Not the version in my mind a weak female who becomes submissive, but actually a strong one wanting to save or help their counterpart. And all the other behaviors I hit all the nails on the head, more so just in my romantic relationships, not so much friendships. The main reason I finally looked into that was when I read that pwBPD arr often in relationships with Codependents. I thought to myself what is that exactly. And yep. That's me.

I too have great friends I ignored during the so in love phase, also a lot of male friends (not weird) I neglected and disappeared from. The funny thing is that sometime my religious upbringing yields dysfunction. Like in my mind when I found "the one" I was suppose to let go of my past. Now having stepped away from the cultural practices of my faith and letting my faith be my personal one between just me and God I have opened my eyes to the constraints it holds me to.

I also have reconnected and again this is definitely irritating my BPD because it's not what he's used to. But i know in order to be in a healthy relationship it takes two people who love themselves first to be able to share love with each other. I can't fill his void nor can I expect if I have stuff that he will fix it either.

Thank you for sharing!

[Svarl1]

Indiegrl

Many thanks for sharing all of that. You seem like a brave, clear headed and articulate person. You remind me that there's another world outside the stifling confines of a BPD relationship.

I have spend nearly all my adult life in one relationship, which has been extremely painful for us both at times but seemingly impossible to break off permanently.

The worst is now, I hope, firmly in the past. But the little social life and closeness to others which I once may have had is pretty much wiped out , and I feel unable to initiate friendships again without bringing up a whole heap of trouble. If I keep my head down things will tick along and we are both still alive in body, but I feel my real life is passing me by day by day.

Only recently, while googling  "what kind of person reads your private emails" did I come across Bpd in general and this good site in particular.

Like you, I am also having to come to terms with the fact that I have a pile of my own issues to confront and that I must have been busily avoiding for years.

I know for a start that a psychologically healthy person would not have put up one week with what I've been through. And it's dawning on me that my lack of friends was not only down to my partner's control and mistrust, but also to my own insecurities and self centredness. I can see that being in the relationship, however unhappy, has allowed me to ignore various things about myself.

So now I'm asking myself, if I can ever get out then what is there afterwards? And if I can address my own issues then will I need to leave anyway, or can I then also help my partner to move out of mutually unhealthy relating?

At the moment it just feels weird and stuck, as we are struggling to trust each other and communicate. But I feel that I'm trying to move forward 'beneath the surface' , and I think she is too.

Whatever happens, it's a considerable relief just to know that our problems have a name and that others are also willing to share their experiences.

So thanks again.