He lacks skills

[Ysabel]

My BPDh does not seem to have the ability to create intimacy through conversation. He is highly intelligent and is very adept in his line of work. So, no one who works with him becomes aware of his difficulties because they are relating to him on a cerebral , logical, rational level. However, I struggle with feeling disconnected and alone, like the relationship is only from the neck up. Maybe that's why, in the past, the fights were better than nothing because at least there was some passion!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LilMe]

I hate to see posts with no responses, so I am responding :^)  I am definitely no expert and screw it all up quite often!

The way I handle my relationship with my pwBPD is to remember that I can only make changes within myself and that these hurtful behaviors are a part of the person I care about that have always been there.  Maybe I didn't notice, ignored, or he acted differently to hide them, but they are not new.  I must learn to deal with it on my end.

With that said - it is hard!  I understand how you yearn for normalcy and intimacy, yet must accept something totally different.  I review 'The Lessons' in the sidebar on these forum pages from time to time just as a reminder that I can make things a little better by MY behaviors, thoughts, and actions.

My hope is that you can find what you need somewhere other than your pwBPD and that you can love and accept what he DOES give you, not what he cannot.

Hugs and encouragement sent your way!

[Crumbling]

Hi, Ysabel and LilMe!

  Welcome!

We're all just normal people (who don't always do things right) trying to muddle through.    And I'm glad your here.

I know what you are feeling too, my BPDh is the same, no ability to really connect or share intimately.  It's an awful feeling to not be heard, or even respected with the one person you think should be your everything.      

Sharing here is something that lead me down a path of betterment, for me.  I had my feelings acknowledged and began to feel like there was support, help and hope for a better way.  I've since built a whole team of support that I didn't have before.  It's hard to talk to friends and family about difficulties at home, but once you do, the stress begins to lift, you begin to feel strengthened and more confident, and you start to reach for that intimacy in other ways (and I don't mean cheating, either). 

Our need to connect is real, it's part of what makes us 'pack animals' if you will.    Once I learned that I could fulfil this with other people, in a healthy way, and stopped thinking I would, could or should get it from my H, my strength and hope started to come back.

I'm still on my journey, and I still mess up and do/say the wrong things, but I'm in the middle of a process and I am now determined to see things through.

Blessings,

C.

[an0ught]

Hi Ysabel,

My BPDh does not seem to have the ability to create intimacy through conversation. He is highly intelligent and is very adept in his line of work. So, no one who works with him becomes aware of his difficulties because they are relating to him on a cerebral , logical, rational level. However, I struggle with feeling disconnected and alone, like the relationship is only from the neck up. Maybe that's why, in the past, the fights were better than nothing because at least there was some passion!

you also wrote:

... . He lacks humanity. ... .

What makes you think your husband is suffering from BPD?

What made the fighting stop?

[an0ught]

Hi Ysabel,

this lack of ability to express emotions can be a number of things e.g.

- he may be constantly too agitated and is disassociating on a low level

- he may feel it is best to not express his anger and is walling himself off

- he may suffer from effects of medication he may take

- he may be to a degree autistic and may not be able to read emotions well

whatever the cause there is no short term fix. He certainly is not supporting you right now  . Have you other sources of support that can you prop up a bit emotionally?