Thoughts keep going back to last r/s before marriage--normal?

[Forestforthetrees]

I am in the early stages of divorce. 

My thoughts keep going back to r/s I had just prior to marriage. That was 30 years ago when I was in college!  Is this normal?

I just woke up after a dream about him.

Why?  Am I wondering if that was a healthy r/s?

Am I wishing my married life never existed?

Do I have some crazy notion of reconnecting?

Do I want to see if the person I was before the trauma still exists at all?

Am I looking for someone to save me?

What can this mean?

Anyone else experience something like this?

[once removed]

hey forest,

i think this is mainly a form of rumination. i replayed my old relationships as well. learning about BPD was a shock to my system all on its own. i cant even recall or begin to imagine all the things i replayed or imagined through the new prism i had in front of me whether BPD was related at all or not. in other words id say yes, its normal. it wasnt clear whether you think your prior relationship involved BPD or not, so it might look better in hindsight. i think youre basically asking "how did i end up here?". and in response to trauma, that, once again, is normal.

i think all your questions are ones that you can actually answer for yourself. they read almost like statements with a question mark at the end of them.

Why?  Am I wondering if that was a healthy r/s?     

probably.

Am I wishing my married life never existed?

are you?

Do I have some crazy notion of reconnecting?

you might. doesnt mean youll act on it.

Do I want to see if the person I was before the trauma still exists at all?

most likely, yes. this is what i mean by trying to figure out "how did i end up here?"

Am I looking for someone to save me?

maybe. most of us want to reconnect with people in general. that brought on fantasies for me. we all ended up at this board. is that a form of looking for someone to save us? maybe. you might be indicating something more specific though.

again, i think all of this is a fairly normal response to what youve been through. it could mean any or all of these things or it could be less about that prior relationship than it seems. hope this helps.

[Forestforthetrees]

Thank you, Once Removed.

Yes, I guess I do know the answers. I think I don't trust myself anymore and wonder about my interpretation. I am doing so much self reflection and DO NOT want to be in denial.

The former relationship did not have any BPD component that I know of, so why was I attracted to a pwBPD?  I guess I am looking for where I went wrong and dont really trust myself to identify it. I suppose I am saying, please tell me the nasty truth about myself so I can address it.  I guess at the time I thought the BPD r/s was better. Would I have been happy with the previous, nonBPD?  Or am I so messed up that I couldn't have been happy with that? 

Trying to take inventory... .

[once removed]

i think youre on the right track. but be kind to yourself and keep in mind as your head clears all of this will feel smaller, more graspable, and kind of hone its focus. as i think youve indicated, your mind is trying to clear. it will get there in time. i also think youre asking the right questions:

"The former relationship did not have any BPD component that I know of, so why was I attracted to a pwBPD?"

"I guess at the time I thought the BPD r/s was better."

^not technically a question but youre getting at the right answers to the right questions, and it shows insight on your part. ultimately youre the only one who can identify the "nasty truth about" yourself so you can address it  but the good news is you are. do give yourself some credit  . thats not to say that members here cant help you identify your issues. i think you can gain some insight from just reading the experiences of others.

im not caught up on your backstory, are you seeing a therapist?