Fighting off resentment in ourselves

[Hmcbart]

How do you fight off resentment in yourself?

I have posted earlier about having normal conversations with nonBPD people but find that I just grow resentful. The more I hear about the things other wives do for there husbands, the more I start to feel boiling up inside me.

Monday night I was with my son at Boy Scouts. I was talking with some of the other parents and the issue of laundry came up. Several of the wives were talking about how they do their husbands laundry along with the kids. They also cook and clean around the house, on top of full time jobs. Their husbands do assist with everything which should be expected.

At my house, I do everything. I'm the cook when I'm not out of town for work. I clean and do dishes all the time. She won't even help clean the dishes after I've cooked dinner. She instead will clean up only the things she used.  I'm responsible for my own laundry and dry cleaning.  She stopped really doing anything for me about 7 years ago. I'm also the sole provider of income.

Monday night after I got home I was eating dinner and I made a comment to my wife how tired I was. That I have to cook, clean and do laundry after working sometimes 6 days a week. I told her that I was going to start taking my clothes to the cleaners to be laundered.

She started telling me how I have plenty of time to do my laundry. If I would play games on my computer or sit there watching tv. She then pointed out that I had time Sunday after the camping to do it. She said I could have done it in the 2 hours I had after putting away the camping gear and doing all the yard work. Right between all of that and going grocery shopping and cooking dinner and doing the dishes.

So basically I have plenty of time to do everything around the house if I don't take any time for myself (guess I'm selfish).

I was triggered when I went to bed but didn't say anything. She was upset that I said something about being the only one doing anything around the house. She woke me up when she came to bed to say something about it but I only remember hearing her say that it's not worth it followed by her and the boys would be coming with me to a weekend work/beach outing in May, because of my attitude.

Tuesday morning she actually got up and took the kids to school (usually my job). When I woke up and came downstairs I found the birthday card I gave her in the 15th torn into about 50 small pieces. I lost it at that point.

I took it upstairs and threw it on the floor in front of her and said hears your birthday confetti and walked away. She came down stairs and told me that the boys had spilt water on it and it tore when she was taking it out if the envelope to dry it off. She said it got stuck and ripped. I asked her why she has to tear it to shreds but can't remember what she said at that point.

I was beyond mad and told her that it didn't matter anyway and I don't give a $&!. I told her to leave me alone I had more important things to do. She asked if it was more important than talking to my wife. I said I didn't have a wife, I had a roommate who only gives a $&! about herself.

I should not have said any of those things but the resentment had just built up so much for the last 23 days. I was painted white from March 23rd to April 6th so 23 days of being painted black took its toll.

I am more upset at myself right now for getting triggered and blowing up. I'm just getting so tired having to do litterally everything. I need a break but can't take one because of the drama that will come from it.

I'm sorry for the rant. I'm hoping by talking about it out loud I can get past it. I will be talking to my therapist about it Friday also. Thanks for listening.

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[Mike-X]

Thanks for sharing. It is extremely difficult to stay centered sometimes, and you shouldn't beat yourself up over getting upset about all of this. In many relationships (friendships, etc.), such things happen all of the time and are forgiven, especially if they are accompanied by an apology. Of course with BPD, such blow-ups are sometimes taken more personally, and it seems that it is sometimes hard for the person with BPD to let such things go and forgive and forget. You are human, and unfortunately, the two of you did not come with instruction manuals on how to communicate with each other and meet each others needs, so lots of trial and error will be at play as your learn.

I believe that the main thing is to learn from the interaction and let it go. So a more positive way to approach all of this is to consider the communication tools and how you might use them to stay centered and express your needs next time. Of course, one thing to keep in mind is that becoming de-centered is typically going to lead to escalation (and my experience is that can happen whether BPD is a play or not). So how might you have approached this if the communication skills would have come to mind?

Also, are you familiar with HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired? It is an acronym to keep in mind to trigger you to think about your basic needs first when you feel like you are becoming decentered. For example, are you hungry in that moment. Hunger often leads to grumpiness, right? So one could address the hunger first, even with a snack (e.g., I'll eat a hand full of chips, some snacking vegetables, or an apple), and then re-evaluate the other issues that seem to be sources of frustration.

Have you considered that some degree of what you heard at the Boy Scout meeting involved positively biased self presentations? Of course, I ask this knowing that I don't know the full scope of the conversations, etc.

[Hmcbart]

Thanks for the reply. I normally stay pretty focused on not triggering her. Unfortunately this includes keeping my feelings and emotions bottled up. I have found that more often than not, my feelings and emotions only invalidate hers. This leads to more arguments and extends the time she sees me as evil.

I do understand that I shouldn't try to put her in the same category as other wives out there. Her own best friend even commented to me about the laundry and dishes thing. She couldn't believe that she would do everyone else's laundry or dishes and leave mine. Most people assume her not doing anything for me is a choice I made and I don't allow her to do my stuff.

I usually don't try and change their idea of it because I don't want anyone to have a negative opinion of her. I have just gotten so tired of doing everything. When I hear about how people actually help their spouses with things, it starts to bother me. I know, it's envy and I need to remove that thinking. It's very difficult some days.

I would have been able to forget about it if the whole thing with the birthday card hadn't happened. I had put so much into her birthday and she treated it like I did nothing. Sadly I'm used to that with a lot of things. I guess it just boiled up that morning and I couldn't hold it back any longer.

I have trouble forgiving myself for things like this. I'm usually so aware of my own emotions that I can control them better. I almost feel that she was trying to trigger me in some way. It's and excuse on my part I know.  It just seemed to convenient the way it happened and was left on my desk for me to find. She's done things like that before.

I will be working with my therapist Friday to deal with resentment. I feel like I'm all alone at times. None of the standard therapy things work when dealing with someone who may have a PD. Like you said, there is no manual on how to deal with a lot of it so it becomes trial and error.

After almost 20 years together I never have figured out what does or doesn't trigger her. I've only learned of BPD this year. I've been going over the lessons and trying to use SET more often. I guess I just couldn't contain myself this time.

Thank you for the reply, I helps to have someone to talk to about these things. All of out friends are mutual friends. If I say something to one of them it will get back to her or change their opinion of her and I don't want that. She needs as many friends as she can get, I think she has 2 now.

Thanks again Mike.

[Mike-X]

Thanks for the reply. I normally stay pretty focused on not triggering her. Unfortunately this includes keeping my feelings and emotions bottled up. I have found that more often than not, my feelings and emotions only invalidate hers. This leads to more arguments and extends the time she sees me as evil.

I do understand that I shouldn't try to put her in the same category as other wives out there. Her own best friend even commented to me about the laundry and dishes thing. She couldn't believe that she would do everyone else's laundry or dishes and leave mine. Most people assume her not doing anything for me is a choice I made and I don't allow her to do my stuff.

I usually don't try and change their idea of it because I don't want anyone to have a negative opinion of her. I have just gotten so tired of doing everything. When I hear about how people actually help their spouses with things, it starts to bother me. I know, it's envy and I need to remove that thinking. It's very difficult some days.

I would have been able to forget about it if the whole thing with the birthday card hadn't happened. I had put so much into her birthday and she treated it like I did nothing. Sadly I'm used to that with a lot of things. I guess it just boiled up that morning and I couldn't hold it back any longer.

I have trouble forgiving myself for things like this. I'm usually so aware of my own emotions that I can control them better. I almost feel that she was trying to trigger me in some way. It's and excuse on my part I know.  It just seemed to convenient the way it happened and was left on my desk for me to find. She's done things like that before.

I will be working with my therapist Friday to deal with resentment. I feel like I'm all alone at times. None of the standard therapy things work when dealing with someone who may have a PD. Like you said, there is no manual on how to deal with a lot of it so it becomes trial and error.

After almost 20 years together I never have figured out what does or doesn't trigger her. I've only learned of BPD this year. I've been going over the lessons and trying to use SET more often. I guess I just couldn't contain myself this time.

Thank you for the reply, I helps to have someone to talk to about these things. All of out friends are mutual friends. If I say something to one of them it will get back to her or change their opinion of her and I don't want that. She needs as many friends as she can get, I think she has 2 now.

Thanks again Mike.

You're welcome, and thanks for the reply. Unfortunately there is trial and error with using SET, too. I try using it in my exchanges with just about everyone, just for the practice and because it actually has led to more positive exchanges even when I have to give critical feedback.

I have come across a handful of consistent "validators" in my life. There have been a couple of people where I would always walk away from an exchange feeling like I had just had a great interaction even when they were ultimately telling me how I had messed up in this way or that way. After coming across validation as a communication tool, I realized that that was often what they had been doing. They would sandwich the critique between validating statements.

[Loosestrife]

Hi there

I'm interested in this post as I don't even live with my pwBPD (yet) and I'm already feeling resentment. Do you mind me asking if your wife works and what she does with her time?

Thanks

[vortex of confusion]

 

You are in a tough spot and I don't think there are any easy answers.

I recently saw where one of our friends is quitting her job and going to go to school for something different. I was happy for our friend but I immediately felt twinges of anger and jealousy and resentment. It wasn't about her. It was about the fact that she announced this and added a note of gratitude to her husband. It was something along the lines of, "Thanks to my wonderful husband for his support and standing beside me as I make this huge life change." It really hit a nerve in me because I had considered doing the same thing a while back. When I explored doing that, I had NO support. My husband told me all of the reasons that I couldn't and shouldn't do it. So, I didn't. There have been so many times over the years that I have wanted to do something different or try something new only to be met with "Why would you want to do a thing like that?" Even when I got my current job and told my husband my hours, the first words out of his mouth were, "What about me?"

Radical acceptance is great and wonderful and it helps a lot. I have yet to figure out how to keep resentments from bubbling up and biting me in the butt from time to time. I think it would be really difficult to NOT feel hurt and resentful to find a birthday card torn to shreds. I think I am getting to a point where I have stopped trying to fight off resentment and anger and all of those other negative emotions. I am trying to do a better job of letting myself feel that stuff without reacting to it so that I can give myself the space to process it. You are a human being. I have to remind myself that it is okay for me to feel this stuff. What I need to work on is how to allow myself to feel this stuff without reacting to it and making things worse.

[Hmcbart]

Hi there

I'm interested in this post as I don't even live with my pwBPD (yet) and I'm already feeling resentment. Do you mind me asking if your wife works and what she does with her time?

Thanks

She is a stay at home mom. We both decided after our first son was born that what she earns would be eaten up by daycare and my income is enough to cover everything. I don't regret that decision at all. She has been a stay at home mom for 12 years now.

As far as what she does with her time? That's the part I have issues with some days. Both kids are in school all day. So she has 6 hours each day without them. She volunteers a lot at the school and with Boy Scouts. My biggest issue is when she does this stuff all day and doesn't do the things that need to be done around the house.

I work out of town a couple of nights a week. It's not uncommon for me to get home to a sink full of dirty dishes and messed up house. I'm not a clean freak by any stretch of the imagination but having the little things like forks, spoons, and plates is nice every once in a while.

After I say something to her, she will try to do the dishes occasionally. I can tell because she will start them when she knows I'm coming home. Otherwise they eat out almost every night. In the last 4 weeks, she has cooked at home 2 times. I do it almost every nite that I'm home. Along with the cleaning and everything else.

I'm not asking her to go to work, that backfired big time when I made that comment a few years ago. I just want a little help. I can't keep doing everything all the time.

[Hmcbart]

Vortex:

I am usually pretty good and not letting my emotions get the best of me. I shouldn't have to but I try to keep them bottled up because I know the outcome of speaking about them.

It's like playing a game of Othello. One player tries to switch the other players color to win the game. Ironically the two colors are black and white. So in this case I'm trying to switch her black pieces to white and she's trying to switch mine to black.

I just made the wrong move and helped her defeat me. In doing so, I validated her feelings that I'm evil. You would think she would be happy feeling validated but in this game her winning only means I keep losing.

I'm sure I shouldn't think of it as a game but that's really the only way I can keep from exploding every time I walk in the door at night.

[vortex of confusion]

Vortex:

I am usually pretty good and not letting my emotions get the best of me. I shouldn't have to but I try to keep them bottled up because I know the outcome of speaking about them.

I know this routine quite well. I have been doing it for a lot over the years. I am trying to think of how to articulate what I am thinking. You don't have to bottle up your emotions. You can find ways to acknowledge your own feelings and speak about them without talking to her. I was stuck on the notion that I should be able to share my feelings with my spouse. As a result, I bottled them up and didn't talk to anybody about them. Now, I am talking about them with my sponsor. It feels really good to get this stuff out to another person even if that person isn't my spouse. It makes it easier to keep a lid on things with my spouse.

[OffRoad]

Sometimes a truth dart or two is not detrimental in the long run. I understand how you can be upset that you "lost control". But really, how much can one person take of someone ignoring your wants and needs? You are entitled to have opinions and emotions. Maybe you just need to work on delivering these without sounding judgmental? Flat voice, matter of fact way of speaking, as opposed to waiting until you've have all you can stand?

But the truth is, she probably WAS trying to trigger you. She probably feels bad about herself. The more a non sucks it up and continues on, the more the BPD feels like they can't control the non. And they have to control someone, since they cannot control themselves. If they can make you into the bad guy, then they don't feel so bad. MOO, of course. My own H kept upping the ante when I wouldn't bite until he was accusing me of things I had never done. That's when I found this site and figured out he most likely has BPD, because I KNEW I had never done what he was accusing me of. (Usually, they pick on something that has some grain of truth to it, or hit a hot button for the non).

When figuring out what triggers a pwBPD, look for anything you say that may be invalidating (It's not that bad; It could be worse: Why are you making such a big deal out of that?; Let me give you this advice instead of listening to you vent; Let me take the other person's side instead of yours; Why haven't you done XXXX, etc). Even things like "I don't have time to do my laundry." is heard as "Why aren't YOU doing my laundry?"

I don't know your dynamics, have you tried asking her to include your laundry with everyone elses? How did you end up doing your own laundry, if it's only been 7 years?

I ask because H (although he is the pwBPD) decided a couple of years ago that he didn't want to eat what I cooked. So I stopped cooking for him specifically. If there is leftovers from what S and I are eating, he can eat those. He didn't for a long time. Now he's started eating my cooking again, but I don't go out of my way to make anything special for him. If he wants me to do so, he's going to have to ask, because I'm not playing guessing games as to what he wants.  

As to the cooking and dishes, you can't control what she does when you are not there. I have a friend who is that way. She just does the dishes when she feels like it. You can't fix it, because it just doesn't matter to her. You can ask her if she could please have the dishes done by X o'clock so that you don't come home to a dirty kitchen, but it's a crap shoot if you will get what you asked for. Her husband does most of the cooking and always has.

[Hmcbart]

Vortex:

You can find ways to acknowledge your own feelings and speak about them without talking to her.

That why I'm happy I found this place. Other than my therapist a couple of times a month, there is no one else. Everyone I can talk to is friends with her as well and I don't want to change the way people see her. I'm sure that's enabling but I don't want her to look bad in front of others. Call me old fashion but I still believe in chivalry.

But the truth is, she probably WAS trying to trigger you. She probably feels bad about herself. The more a non sucks it up and continues on, the more the BPD feels like they can't control the non. And they have to control someone, since they cannot control themselves.

She did seem to be in a better mood after that. Funny how that works. I just figured she was happier because now anything that I ask her for (intimacy, help around the house, or even a few kind words), this gives her justification to withhold them. I have been playing this game for 20 years now, I know exactly how it works. I ask for XYZ and she says no because of how you have been treating me.


How did you end up doing your own laundry, if it's only been 7 years?

She did do it the first part of the marriage but somewhere along the way she decided that I'm an adult and I need to do it myself. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with me being too demanding about it. I would ask for the little things like it actually getting done. I didn't even care if I had a shirt that ended up pink, I was always grateful when she did do it. She would just get into a funk and not do anything at all. It got to a point where I had to have clothes to go to work in so I just took it back over.

I remember once about 10 years ago she cooked dinner and I made the comment that it tasted bland and needed salt. Yes it was wrong of me to say it, but it did need salt. After that she didn't cook again for 6 months. She has a tendency to hang on to her anger for a while. An innocent comment will anger her for years sometimes. So as far as how to talk without triggering her, it beats the heck out of me. The last time I tried using SET she got triggered because she felt I was talking down to her.


As to the cooking and dishes, you can't control what she does when you are not there. I have a friend who is that way. She just does the dishes when she feels like it. You can't fix it, because it just doesn't matter to her. You can ask her if she could please have the dishes done by X o'clock so that you don't come home to a dirty kitchen, but it's a crap shoot if you will get what you asked for.



I think the first step here is getting her to actually cook at home. She's actually a really good cook. I get told that we are out of money and I need to cut back on spending. Then I come home after being gone for 3 days and find out they have eaten out all week. It's usually because of a headache, I got busy with the volunteer stuff at school and didn't have time to cook, or just being tired. 

I'm not asking for or expecting her to be Mrs. Cleaver. The funniest part of it all is about a year and a half ago she started going to therapy because of an incident with our oldest. Her anger took over (no physical damage). She ultimately determined with the help of her therapist that it was my fault.

It turned out that I wasn't doing enough around the house to help with the kids and housework. The anger she had at me she took out in our 12 y/o. That's also when the self harming started for her.

Once we started MC she made a list of all the house work I supposedly wasn't helping with. We wrote down who is responsible for what and how often. She had told me before this if I didn't change and help her more she was leaving. I accepted that I wasn't doing enough to help and agree to her chore list.

Two weeks into it she hadn't done one of the things she agreed to whike I had done all of mine plus hers. After a few more weeks of this I exploded and brought this up. I asked how she can threaten to leave me if I don't help out more around the house but it's ok for her to not do anything she agreed to in therapy.  Her exact words to me, "I just thought that's what was upsetting me so much. I realized it didn't matter that much so now I'm ok if you do or don't do something to help me out". I blew a gasket at that point and left the house for a few hours.

Sorry for length and issues with quotes.

[Loosestrife]

If I was in your shoes I would feel resentful and hurt that the person who is supposed to love me was treating me like their caretaker and accountant. We are in modern times and most women work and the chores are shared between partners. Being scared of asking your wife to get a job when both your kids are at school is a clear sign that you are being abused by her.

Something has to change as you can't go in like this, before you know it your mental health will also be  having  a long term impact on your physical health (if it isn't already). I can see a few options:

1) Do nothing and carry on being a doormat as she's obviously well enough to do her social/volunteer activities but chooses not to work/contribute to the family unit.

2) have a frank conversation with her and give her an ultimatum - get a paid job so you can hire help if she hates housework that much or she does  the household chores herself.

3) you stop doing the doing and see if she starts doing things around the house.  If she doesn't  then invite her friends round, let other  people comment on the state of the house. Make it subtly know to them that you work full time and she's a lady of leisurely slobbish-ness. Let her lie in her own unmade bed so to speak.

I would go for option 2) but you have to be prepared to follow through and cut off her financial supply by diverting it to pay for hired help, or stating you are not prepared to stay in a relationship based on abuse and habing an exit strategy.

I'm sorry if you were just looking for coping strategies for resentment, but I can't see how the situation will improve if you do this. She is taking the **** and you deserve better. The situation is also setting a relationship example to your kids for their future relationships.

[Hmcbart]

I'm actually leaning towards option 3 followed by option 2 when the dust settles after the inevitable explosion.

Option three almost happened for her birthday but she got off her but and cleaned. I'm still dealing with the anger over that one.

As far as an exit stragegy, its 10 years out at the most. Unless something changes in my job to get us back to Texas where our families live. I can't deal with not having my kids around and she would have no choice but move back for family support. Transfers in my job don't happen that often so I'm stuck in limbo until a transfer comes up or my youngest graduates, he's 8 now.

Divorced almost alway favor the wife in the relationship. She hasn't cheated on me or left and abandoned the kids. I'm basically very short on options when this is concerned.

Plus, we been together almost 20 years. It was dumb luck that I stumbled on to this site while looking for help for me. I just started learning about BPD in the last few months. Before that I just assumed it was hormonal. (FYI... .never tell a women that she acting a certain way because of hormones  ) My greatest strength is that I refuse to quit or give up on anything or anybody. As it turns out it's also my greatest weakness.

Lastly I love her. I said in sickness and health. At the moment that still means something to me.

[Hmcbart]

I just noticed that all of my posts look like a dictionary threw up everywhere. Or maybe a library. Sorry for the novels I keep writing. 

[OffRoad]

I just noticed that all of my posts look like a dictionary threw up everywhere. Or maybe a library. Sorry for the novels I keep writing. 

No worries. You use punctuation and spacing, so they are easy to read. Sometimes, there is just so much you want to say that you can't say to anyone else.

[adventurer]

I can relate to some of your situation.  My wife does do some things around the house, but I do about half the cooking, all the dishes, most of the laundry, most of the cleaning.  She has no job and we have no kids so the division of labor seems really unfair.

I have tried the strategy of letting things go a bit, also tried asking for help which usually ends in a big fight and her pitching in more for a day or two.  What helps me with resentment (though it has never gone 100%) is to just accept the situation for what it is.  I value a clean kitchen and being caught up on chores, so I just do what needs to be done.  I accept the fact that she is unwilling to do her part and let it be.  This hurts our relationship, because it has made me lose some respect and esteem for her, but it is what it is.

The childish part of me is tempted to tell you to stop cooking food for her.  If she only washes her own plates, you will only eat your own food, but this sort of tit-for-tat I don't see going down a positive road.

Another thing that stands out to me is the fact that she criticized how you spend your free time, how you would have time for laundry if you didn't play computer games etc.  You do not need to justify how you spend your time to anybody, so don't let her get to you.  Check out the book 'When I Saw No I Feel Guilty' for ideas along these lines.  At the same time, she is unable to show empathy so there is no use in complaining to her about tiredness or the like.  It's great that you have a therapist to discuss this with.  Maybe there is a men's group or some activity you can find on meetup.com to help you foster some other non-mutual friendships that you can lean on to discuss these types of feelings so you have an outlet for them?  I'm in the same boat, 99% of our friends are mutual and I don't want to bad-mouth her to them.  I have been able over the past year to develop a couple relationships outside this circle which have been a great support and an excuse to get out of the house a couple times a month without her.