No Contact... No Filling Up the Bathtub

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am ready to make a public declaration of NC and no filling up the bath tub (more on that below).  My NC stats don't feel definitive but thus far:

-I ended r/s early Dec 2014 and told him to never contact me again (he had threatened me and my children)

-I installed the Blacklist app on my phone so his calls go straight to voicemail. Couldn't answer even if I wanted to.

-I didn't respond to any of the 450 contacts he made to me with two exceptions:  (1) he showed up at my office.  I called the police. (2) he called from an office phone when I didn't know it was he;  we spoke briefly and as a result I mailed/emailed a document he needed

-I have been steadfast in my resolve to not reply.  Tho that was enormously hard at times due to both fear, sadness and longing

-Since mailing the letter, I have 103 days NC.  If counting from the b/u date, I have 147 but this feels like fudging the numbers a bit. 

-I am very pleased to say I have a pure 103!

-BUT... .b/c he tried to make contact so many times I don't actually FEEL like I am at 103

-Ystd was 30 days NC from him.  No messages in 30 days. Two private calls w/o a msg but could have been him or not.  Woo-hoo! 

-So emotionally I feel like I am at day 30 even though I've been at this much longer

-I also feel like I am at day 30 b/c despite not responding to him, I've been reading old emails, text messages, online stalking etc.  This has kept it too much alive and well.  I have now committed to not filling up the bathtub for the next SIXTY days minimum.

So just what is filling up the bathtub?  Years ago, a dear friend (not me!) went to see her T who happened to be a wonderfully wise old man who called it like he saw it.  She shared her thoughts about a romantic situation, and he looked at her and said in his booming voice, "Well, godd*amnit ____, did you just decide to fill up the bath with sh*t and roll around in it?  That is the stupidest, godd*amn thing I have heard you say."

I don't remember what the situation was but I sure remember his metaphor.  And I've been filling up the bathtub.  Again and again and again.  Every time I read an old text message.  An old email.  Listen to an old voicemail.  I've been filling up the bathtub with sh*t and rolling around in it.  My ex did some really horrible stuff with disastrous outcomes.  But as bad as that was (and it was bad), it is worse that I've been reliving it time and time again post b/u. 

As such, here's my new commitment:  NC and NO FILLING UP THE BATHTUB for the next SIXTY days.  Surely, sixty days will be extended but that is a solid commitment to get me started and far down the path.  I have done this with all my other b/u's (non-BPD) and it ALWAYS works.

I am not deleting old messages lest I need it legally, but I will NOT open it or look at any of it for the next sixty days.  Ystd was day #1.  I will not reopen the wound and am staying out of that nasty freaking bathtub!

Thank you for celebrating my 103 days (woo-hoo) and for new, NO EXCUSES commitment to NO BATHTUB!

Yee-haw

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I am ready to make a public declaration of NC and no filling up the bath tub (more on that below).  My NC stats don't feel definitive but thus far:

-I ended r/s early Dec 2014 and told him to never contact me again (he had threatened me and my children)

-I installed the Blacklist app on my phone so his calls go straight to voicemail. Couldn't answer even if I wanted to.

-I didn't respond to any of the 450 contacts he made to me with two exceptions:  (1) he showed up at my office.  I called the police. (2) he called from an office phone when I didn't know it was he;  we spoke briefly and as a result I mailed/emailed a document he needed

-I have been steadfast in my resolve to not reply.  Tho that was enormously hard at times due to both fear, sadness and longing

-Since mailing the letter, I have 103 days NC.  If counting from the b/u date, I have 147 but this feels like fudging the numbers a bit. 

-I am very pleased to say I have a pure 103!

-BUT... .b/c he tried to make contact so many times I don't actually FEEL like I am at 103

-Ystd was 30 days NC from him.  No messages in 30 days. Two private calls w/o a msg but could have been him or not.  Woo-hoo! 

-So emotionally I feel like I am at day 30 even though I've been at this much longer

-I also feel like I am at day 30 b/c despite not responding to him, I've been reading old emails, text messages, online stalking etc.  This has kept it too much alive and well.  I have now committed to not filling up the bathtub for the next SIXTY days minimum.

So just what is filling up the bathtub?  Years ago, a dear friend (not me!) went to see her T who happened to be a wonderfully wise old man who called it like he saw it.  She shared her thoughts about a romantic situation, and he looked at her and said in his booming voice, "Well, godd*amnit ____, did you just decide to fill up the bath with sh*t and roll around in it?  That is the stupidest, godd*amn thing I have heard you say."

I don't remember what the situation was but I sure remember his metaphor.  And I've been filling up the bathtub.  Again and again and again.  Every time I read an old text message.  An old email.  Listen to an old voicemail.  I've been filling up the bathtub with sh*t and rolling around in it.  My ex did some really horrible stuff with disastrous outcomes.  But as bad as that was (and it was bad), it is worse that I've been reliving it time and time again post b/u. 

As such, here's my new commitment:  NC and NO FILLING UP THE BATHTUB for the next SIXTY days.  Surely, sixty days will be extended but that is a solid commitment to get me started and far down the path.  I have done this with all my other b/u's (non-BPD) and it ALWAYS works.

I am not deleting old messages lest I need it legally, but I will NOT open it or look at any of it for the next sixty days.  Ystd was day #1.  I will not reopen the wound and am staying out of that nasty freaking bathtub!

Thank you for celebrating my 103 days (woo-hoo) and for new, NO EXCUSES commitment to NO BATHTUB!

Yee-haw

[Heldfast]

I had to delete all the old pictures, messages, texts etc so that I would stop filling up the bathtub. It's worked much better for me that way. At least mine painted me black and has been complete no contact since. I'm getting better at accepting that and just taking care of myself. Good for you and good luck!

[Mike-X]

Congratulations on sticking to your boundaries and reaching 103 days.  

Please use these boards as your group support, sounding board, or whatever need in the moment to make your 60 day goal.  

Don't be too hard on yourself for missing him at times. I am thinking that it takes the "heart" longer to break from the attachment than it does for the "head" to make the decision that we need to separate to protect our own mental, physical, and emotional health.

[joc1970]

I did the same thing, Deleted all photos, text, and emails. I want nothing to remind me of her

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Thank you heldfast, Mike-X, and joc!  I appreciate your support! 

I am proud to be on day#2 of No Bathtub.  I feel quite good.  Giving up the bathtub helps A LOT.  Which, of course, it would... .to start the day by NOT rolling around in sh*t makes a big difference.  Imagine that.  As does skipping the afternoon, evening and middle-of-the-night "baths!"

Having declared it here helped a lot.  Temptation is much reduced for having claimed it.  I am just telling myself I can look/listen/read any of that in SIXTY days.  But, for now, I will do nothing. 

Thanks again. 

[confusedwoman]

I kind of like the bathtub metaphor 

Good for you for sticking with it! I think it makes a huge, huge difference in how we feel after something like this. In the past I was basically helpless when it came to checking social media for signs of my ex and what he might be up to... .it was pathetic but it's very hard to resist, especially with the nature of these relationships and the breakups, which can be so hurtful whether they're abrupt or not. I must admit, I had a moment of weakness about an hour ago, and looked at his instagram when I logged in for the first time in about two weeks to check my notifications. I shouldn't have, but luckily I didn't find anything awful. It was a good reminder of exactly why doing so can be such a setback.

Going deeper with this, isn't it frustrating that our exBPD partners can be so bad for us, and we KNOW this, but we still have a hard time letting go? I beat myself up for this sometimes but I think it's human nature when a person was a large part of your life. I also think that the concept of trauma bonding might play a role here... .perhaps the fact that they have affected us so deeply and in such a unique way relates very closely to the fact that we are still thinking of them enough that we have to stop ourselves from looking at photos, messages, and so on.

Congratulations on keeping it up for so long! Hopefully you will find that the longer you continue, the more incentive there will be to keep it that way 

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Oh yes, confusedwoman, I love the bathtub metaphor.  Yuck(!) tho it is, what a wonderful reminder of how "yuck" our thoughts and behavior can be.  Like the relentless tormenting we do of ourselves. 

We complain about our ex's non-stop criticism, the r/s ends, and WE keep it up.  Possibly to an even worse degree than our ex's did.  At least they weren't berating us while sleeping.  But I think most of us have found a way to berate ourselves even in our sleep! 

I hear you about the quickie Instagram check.  I had been doing lots of looking until I formally claimed it here yesterday.  Maybe you want to claim your NC/No Bathtub commitment as well?  Maybe for the next 60 days?

Glad you are here! 

[confusedwoman]

You know what, I would like to pledge my 60 days of no social media checking! Luckily he doesn't have a Facebook account of his own, and I believe I've already unfollowed everyone I can think of who might possibly post a photo or status with him. Instagram and Twitter are less of a concern. After a few discards and separations where I would look for signs of him almost incessantly, it feels good now to able to improve upon that.

So I will pledge along with you.

The only thing is... .we share a group of mutual friends and there is a birthday party to attend in a few weeks. He likely will be there, and I feel like I shouldn't miss out on the party just because of him. I'll make my decision whether to go or not as the day gets closer, but in the meantime and afterward I think avoiding "filling the tub" will be super helpful.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

So I will pledge along with you.

The only thing is... .we share a group of mutual friends and there is a birthday party to attend in a few weeks. He likely will be there, and I feel like I shouldn't miss out on the party just because of him. I'll make my decision whether to go or not as the day gets closer, but in the meantime and afterward I think avoiding "filling the tub" will be super helpful.

YEA!  Glad to have you on board with 60 days!  Party or no party, not bathing in sh*t every day btwn now and then will surely help you make a good decision abt attending and/or help you be your "most emotionally clean self" at the party.  Seems like a win either way.  Good job.  You may have to change your name to "FORMERLYconfusedwoman!"

Any other takers on 60 days?