Should i contact my ex to apologize?

[Depression = 72% of members]

so as some of you know, i took my car back, threw all her stuff out of my car on the front lawn in the middle of the night, was screaming at her in frustration.  ( it was something that needed to happen as mean as a i was)... .  she had to walk home and basically it was a huge scene. and the next day she talked about filing false rape accusations.  she said in the car when she threatened to crash it and kill us both on the highway going 120mph that  she was going to make up a story that i raped her if i took the car back... .


anyway, i was pretty mean to her understandably and i was wondering if its okay to text her an apology or should i still let more time pass to let things calm down more. its been 11 days nc

[McGahee21]

so as some of you know, i took my car back, threw all her stuff out of my car on the front lawn in the middle of the night, was screaming at her in frustration.  ( it was something that needed to happen as mean as a i was)... .  she had to walk home and basically it was a huge scene. and the next day she talked about filing false rape accusations.  she said in the car when she threatened to crash it and kill us both on the highway going 120mph that  she was going to make up a story that i raped her if i took the car back... .


anyway, i was pretty mean to her understandably and i was wondering if its okay to text her an apology or should i still let more time pass to let things calm down more. its been 11 days nc

[McGahee21]

her mom even was going nuts, she thought it was true. but when i texted her what happened, and that im willing to go to the police, she stopped. so i hope she knows that her daughter has serious mental problems.  false rape accuations are seriously evil and sick

[Mutt]

Hi McGahee21,

I understand that you may feel guilt because you were mean to her.

She falsely accused you of rape.

How much time has passed since this incident?

Has she also circulated similar and different distortions of abuse to family members and friends?

[dagwoodbowser]

Given my co-dependence I often also think about apologizing to my BPDx because after all I likely responded to her disrespectful behavoir negatively. I feel like I should apologize that I suspected foul play and looked at her phone to discover multiple graphic sexual exchanges with at least 3 different men. I should also apologize that I became so distraught at her that I now have a domestic violence charge when she called the cops on me numerous times when she didnt get her way and would feign that I hit her. Very likely I should apologize that I would stay home some days to care for her 2 young children while she claimed to be at work, it was well past midnight and she got off at 9pm. She finally stumbled into the house so drunk she couldnt speak and her panties were stuffed haphazardly into her bra.

[leftconfused]

In my experience, no you shouldn't.  It likely won't be received well and just give her an opportunity to be vicious to you.  When I have tried  this with my ex he would come back and say things like dont contact me anymore, I don't love you and don't want anything to do with you etc.  It would end with me feeling even worse.  Just forgive yourself because you likely won't receive it from her.

[McGahee21]

Hi McGahee21,

I understand that you may feel guilt because you were mean to her.

She falsely accused you of rape.

How much time has passed since this incident?

Has she also circulated distortions to family members and friends?

the incident was 11 days ago... .  

[McGahee21]

Given my co-dependence I often also think about apologizing to my BPDx because after all I likely responded to her disrespectful behavoir negatively. I feel like I should apologize that I suspected foul play and looked at her phone to discover multiple graphic sexual exchanges with at least 3 different men. I should also apologize that I became so distraught at her that I now have a domestic violence charge when she called the cops on me numerous times when she didnt get her way and would feign that I hit her. Very likely I should apologize that I would stay home some days to care for her 2 young children while she claimed to be at work, it was well past midnight and she got off at 9pm. She finally stumbled into the house so drunk she couldnt speak and her panties were stuffed haphazardly into her bra.

man she sounds very similar to my ex, they should have a beer together... .   ( breakfast club )

[McGahee21]

Hi McGahee21,

I understand that you may feel guilt because you were mean to her.

She falsely accused you of rape.

How much time has passed since this incident?

Has she also circulated similar and different distortions of abuse to family members and friends?

yes she has said the same thing to family and friends, although the post her friend put up on facebook 11 days ago was taken down after a couple hours because i told her i will go to the police because i have nothing to hide.  it was taken down. her friend also thought the car was stolen, which it wasnt, so strangely i wonder what her friend thinks now .   so that guy who raped you and stole your car? is he in jail? did you get your car back?  when are you going to court?  its amazing sometimes how retarded she is and doesnt think the next steps through... .

many of my drinking buddies know about it, and they all knew it was bs because they know about her and her  craziness, so i guess that was cool that many of my friends believed me right away

[Mutt]

Hi McGahee21,

I understand that you may feel guilt because you were mean to her.

She falsely accused you of rape.

How much time has passed since this incident?

Has she also circulated similar and different distortions of abuse to family members and friends?

yes she has said the same thing to family and friends, although the post her friend put up on facebook 11 days ago was taken down after a couple hours because i told her i will go to the police because i have nothing to hide.  it was taken down. her friend also thought the car was stolen, which it wasnt, so strangely i wonder what her friend thinks now .   so that guy who raped you and stole your car? is he in jail? did you get your car back?  when are you going to court?  its amazing sometimes how retarded she is and doesnt thing the next steps through... .

I'm sorry to hear that McGahee21.

When a pwBPD experienced a lot of anxiety and stress some and not all will have distortion campaigns. Do you have a copy of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" page 213.

she said in the car when she threatened to crash it and kill us both on the highway going 120mph that  she was going to make up a story that i raped her if i took the car back... .

She's triggered and it sounds like you are split black. You're a source of pain. I understand you feel like communicating with her and tell her that you are sorry for your behavior. She was also emotionally blackmailing you that she wanted to crash the car and kill you and falsely accuse you of rape of if you weren't going to return the car?

Serious stuff.

In my experience, no you shouldn't.  It likely won't be received well and just give her an opportunity to be vicious to you.  

However well intended your message is now she is not going to understand the meaning because she sees you as a threat and will have anger and vitriol directed at you.

I would suggest not contacting to apologize. Now is not the time because she is likely projecting negative feelings and actions of herself and sees you as "all bad" it may be a good idea to stay radio silent, continue no contact and ride it out.

[DyingLove]

so as some of you know, i took my car back, threw all her stuff out of my car on the front lawn in the middle of the night, was screaming at her in frustration.  ( it was something that needed to happen as mean as a i was)... .  she had to walk home and basically it was a huge scene. and the next day she talked about filing false rape accusations.  she said in the car when she threatened to crash it and kill us both on the highway going 120mph that  she was going to make up a story that i raped her if i took the car back... .


anyway, i was pretty mean to her understandably and i was wondering if its okay to text her an apology or should i still let more time pass to let things calm down more. its been 11 days nc

Apologize for what?  Letting her live?  Detach! N/C! Heal!

[dagwoodbowser]

man she sounds very similar to my ex, they should have a beer together... .  ( breakfast club )

Heaven forbid they get together. Would be like Pinky and The Brain, who would be Pinky or The Brain is anyones guess as they try to take over the world. At least you're seeing all this Now. I moved in with her right away and she idolized me nicely for about 8 months and then she could no longer contain herself and her behaviors. It was almost 3 years of total chaos, drama and self destruction. I was merely the conductor that kept the crazy train on the tracks until I almost ended my life. You will ultimately do what you want to do regardless of what anyone says because the rush, obsession to the extreme highs and lows of being worshiped for weeks on end then the torment followed by the rewards again are all so addicting. I only wish and pray I would have found this place at least one year ago. The patterns, the destruction is far too plain to deny

[McGahee21]

whats really strange is your story is so similar about constantly getting texts, like every few minutes, at all hours, and she would be up at all hours, to the point where i was wondering if she even sleeps.  like 5-6am texts... . all night... .

she also had so many bizarre friends from so many different social settings, like professors, to drug addicts, punk crowd to the redneck crowd to haning out with gangs in detroit, literally.    the whole experience if you take a step back is just insane.  shell never admit to it, but im almost positive she offers a gf service when in need of cash and to support her drug habit.  i was giving her a lot of finanacial help in the beginning as just a friend and i think this is what really drew her to me, because i wasnt just trying to sleep with her, i was getting to know her like any other girl.  she obviously knew i liked her, but she never had a man just help her out with no expectations.  but as i got attached, and she realized this, everything got worse.  shes the one who  said she was falling for me, wanted marry me and have kids one day, i didnt say it, she did.  so i stepped up.  but the moment it became " a relationship" instead of just hanging out and having fun is when she stopped chasing me... . her behavior changed dramatically.

she constantly frequents strip clubs and thinks the prostitution in these places is " no big deal"... .   shes honeslty one of the most street wise people i have met, shes only 23 and incredibly resourceful.  she actually taught me a few things about the streets

[McGahee21]

i can only imagine what she was doing and where she was going in my car for a month... .

her job and normal travel would be about 30 miles a day total.  thats about 150, say 200 at the most per week when driving normal distances.  the car had 0 miles on it brand new.  when i took the car back, it had 1700 miles on it... . so ya

shes honestly one of the strangest people i have ever met.  shes very very attractive, so im sure she has literally dozens of options.

[lawman79]

McGahee,

This really strikes a chord with me.  My exgf would threaten to make false police reports too, and lied to her friends and family that I physically abused her.  The relationship early January with her sayong the most nasty messed stuff too me, and me responding with equally nasty stuff (first time I ever fought back).  We haven't spoken since.

I too, feel very guilty about the terrible things I said, even though those around me say he had it coming.  I also wanted to apologize.  I am in therapy, and my T strongly advised me not to do so.  I think the same advice would apply to you as well.

No good will come of it. Plus you will only embolden her bad behavior even more. If you apologize I see one of three outcomes, none are good.  1. She accepts your apology and tries to suck you back in to the relationship.  2. She ignores your apology, and you feel worse because you are being ignored. 3. She responds back with hate, anger and more threats. 

If you really feel the need to apologize, maybe do the exercise where you write a letter and don't send it.   You are only human and you were pushed way to far.  If anything you should extraordinary patiences up until till that point.  People who behave like her are lucky that don't receive a beating in response to their behavior.  If she pulls this with enough guys, that's exactly what she will get at some point.   

[McGahee21]

McGahee,

This really strikes a chord with me.  My exgf would threaten to make false police reports too, and lied to her friends and family that I physically abused her.  The relationship early January with her sayong the most nasty messed stuff too me, and me responding with equally nasty stuff (first time I ever fought back).  We haven't spoken since.

I too, feel very guilty about the terrible things I said, even though those around me say he had it coming.  I also wanted to apologize.  I am in therapy, and my T strongly advised me not to do so.  I think the same advice would apply to you as well.




No good will come of it. Plus you will only embolden her bad behavior even more. If you apologize I see one of three outcomes, none are good.  1. She accepts your apology and tries to suck you back in to the relationship.  2. She ignores your apology, and you feel worse because you are being ignored. 3. She responds back with hate, anger and more threats.  

If you really feel the need to apologize, maybe do the exercise where you write a letter and don't send it.   You are only human and you were pushed way to far.  If anything you should extraordinary patiences up until till that point.  People who behave like her are lucky that don't receive a beating in response to their behavior.  If she pulls this with enough guys, that's exactly what she will get at some point.    

shes has already received a beating many times, i almost did many times too but held myself back. during the good times, we were both drunk and shed grabbed some dudes junk right in front of me right after she grabbed mine, i flipped.  pretty sure she screwed him that night and than texted me the next day like nothing happened... .

[lm911]

I have apologized to my ex - two times and after each time I was painted more and more black. It is just not enough for her, she even said: "One apology will not change anything."

So you can apologize, but if you do it for yourself. If you feel that you have to do it, do it. As for her- she will not understand it.

[Mutt]

I have apologized to my ex - two times and after each time I was painted more and more black. It is just not enough for her, she even said: "One apology will not change anything."

So you can apologize, but if you do it for yourself. If you feel that you have to do it, do it. As for her- she will not understand it.

I agree lm911, I think it's not so much having to apologize to my and I forgive myself for my behavior and the things that I said to her out of frustration and anger. I think we all have our limits and it could be that we're holding back our thoughts, feelings so that it doesn't trigger our partners' behaviors and we may lose our cool.

An apology could go one of two ways, she may get triggered and she may act hostile or she may give you the silent treatment as well, it's a defense mechanism to cope and not personal to you. I think it's important to not be hard on ourselves.

[McGahee21]

I have apologized to my ex - two times and after each time I was painted more and more black. It is just not enough for her, she even said: "One apology will not change anything."

So you can apologize, but if you do it for yourself. If you feel that you have to do it, do it. As for her- she will not understand it.

I agree lm911, I think it's not so much having to apologize to my and I forgive myself for my behavior and the things that I said to her out of frustration and anger. I think we all have our limits and it could be that we're holding back our thoughts, feelings so that it doesn't trigger our partners' behaviors and we may lose our cool.


An apology could go one of two ways, she may get triggered and she may act hostile or she may give you the silent treatment as well, it's a defense mechanism to cope and not personal to you. I think it's important to not be hard on ourselves.

ill probably apologize, but not for a while, like weeks... . i pretty much gave my life to her emotionally and financially.   and although i wasnt naive about her character, the thing that upsets me the most is the talking bs about me behind my back, to my friends... .  im not a real sensitive guy, and i understand most guys will do whatever for a nice piece of tail, and to be frank i blame her more than a couple of my friends. i know during the times we werent talking she was doing it to get back at me in some twisted way.  fortunately most of them are not close friends, just drinking buddies and such, and im just glad i finally feel like im not in love with her anymore.  im past that phase finally and her power is gone.  i think her walking home that night she realized the game was up.  i was warning her for a few months i still care about her but im not in love with her anymore.  idk, looking back, its something im glad i went through.  i always thought of myself as emotionally tough, and never thought my feelings for a girl would override my common sense about was going on. i always knew what was going on, i wasnt naive, i just ignored it.   never thought id be that guy and play the fool.  but yeah, i will apologize, for myself.  but not for a matter of weeks.   

i honestly think her issue is beyond BPD, its almost as if she has this strange idealization of oneself/but also hates herself.  i remember one time she started crying when i bought her bk, and bought her drinks at a strip club.  she started crying in front of everyone in a serious way, not crocodile tears, and said " u dont realize how much you mean to me"... .  right then i was spooked, i knew something was seriously wrong with her mentally. i could tell by the look in her eyes, something was just off

[Mutt]

the thing that upsets me the most is the talking bs about me behind my back, to my friends... .  

You were together for two years? Have I got that right?

How long has she been talking about you behind your back?

Do you want to share the kinds of things she was saying?

[shatterd]

i share similar stiries like this one   thats why im confused on why this is so hard for me to detach    its the addiction of bs for me   like a women always chooses the beater instead of the bettr   u feel secure with what ur comfortable with its normal    take time away  keep th nc i think  detox from it  and focus on urself  change ur thinkng maybe

[McGahee21]

well i got all drunk and texted like 15x .  she just ignored me... .

i sent her an apology this morning and said if she ever needs help or wants to talk the door is open. she always is passive aggressive and will ignore me for a few weeks to a month, and than its back to normal... .oh well.  im going to the bar ttyl bpdfamily... .

ugh

[Beach_Babe]

In my experience, no you shouldn't.  It likely won't be received well and just give her an opportunity to be vicious to you.  When I have tried  this with my ex he would come back and say things like dont contact me anymore, I don't love you and don't want anything to do with you etc.  It would end with me feeling even worse.  Just forgive yourself because you likely won't receive it from her.

This is really sound advice. Been there, done that. Big mistake. The best thing you can do is go to therapy, do the work on yourself and "make amends" by doing your damnest not to repeat old patterns. Help yourself, because you will never be able to fix them.

[DyingLove]

so as some of you know, i took my car back, threw all her stuff out of my car on the front lawn in the middle of the night, was screaming at her in frustration.  ( it was something that needed to happen as mean as a i was)... .  she had to walk home and basically it was a huge scene. and the next day she talked about filing false rape accusations.  she said in the car when she threatened to crash it and kill us both on the highway going 120mph that  she was going to make up a story that i raped her if i took the car back... .


anyway, i was pretty mean to her understandably and i was wondering if its okay to text her an apology or should i still let more time pass to let things calm down more. its been 11 days nc

Apologize for what?  Letting her live?  Detach! N/C! Heal!

McGahee21, I've got to apologize in part for what I wrote.  I still don't think you need to apologize, but I've been so weak over the weekend, wanting to contact my ex for any number of possibly bogus reasons... .just to connect... .just to let her know "HERE I AM!(waving like a silly child!)"  So I'm feeling like a jerk here... .telling someone what I can clearly see and not biding my own words.  Please forgive me for that. I don't think I was insensitive, I was surely not TRYING to be, but the way I feel right now, it's gonna be a hard day ahead of me.  I'm feeling crappy, I can feel what you are feeling too.   

[McGahee21]

so as some of you know, i took my car back, threw all her stuff out of my car on the front lawn in the middle of the night, was screaming at her in frustration.  ( it was something that needed to happen as mean as a i was)... .  she had to walk home and basically it was a huge scene. and the next day she talked about filing false rape accusations.  she said in the car when she threatened to crash it and kill us both on the highway going 120mph that  she was going to make up a story that i raped her if i took the car back... .


anyway, i was pretty mean to her understandably and i was wondering if its okay to text her an apology or should i still let more time pass to let things calm down more. its been 11 days nc

Apologize for what?  Letting her live?  :)etach! N/C! Heal!

McGahee21, I've got to apologize in part for what I wrote.  I still don't think you need to apologize, but I've been so weak over the weekend, wanting to contact my ex for any number of possibly bogus reasons... .just to connect... .just to let her know "HERE I AM!(waving like a silly child!)"  So I'm feeling like a jerk here... .telling someone what I can clearly see and not biding my own words.  Please forgive me for that. I don't think I was insensitive, I was surely not TRYING to be, but the way I feel right now, it's gonna be a hard day ahead of me.  I'm feeling crappy, I can feel what you are feeling too.  

ur cool.  i agree with you.  the whole situation i was co dependent in was insane.  some days i really hate her, other times i miss her. oh well... . im just glad i got my car back fr, its a brand new 2015 ford mustang