Was it just me, maybe?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The thing I have been fearing since my 62 year old uBPDexbf stormed out in December happened today.  I was sitting in my car at an intersection in town, and my ex and his 23 year old GF came around the corner in a truck.  Both looked at me but probably didn’t think I recognized them in the new truck they just bought on Friday.  But I did.  I thought I was “safe”,as it was the middle of the day – not sure what they were doing out and about and not working (he is a farrier and she is now his apprentice).   I spent the rest of the day with my heart in my throat. 

So, seeing him with her has turned my brain to mush.  It’s one thing to think about him with someone else but to actually see them together in photos or in person, it just crushes me.  Over and over again. This was a man I wanted to grow old with.  I wanted a child with him.  I wanted him to feel safe with me.  And he threw me away like trash.   All afternoon, I have been analyzing and rehashing our 18 years together, trying to make sense of what happened – just trying to find some understanding or clarity about it all.

My ex originally got married young.   She had gotten knocked up in high school and married the father of the baby.  My ex came along and “rescued” her from that marriage.  My ex’s father pressured him to do the right thing and marry her instead of just live with her.  Together they had a son (who is now 38).  The marriage lasted only 3 or 4 years.  By his account, one of the issues was that she was driven by money and wanted him to work harder.  He did not want to.  She ended up having an affair with her boss and left the marriage for the boss.  They are still together, 40+ years later and have done very well for themselves.  I have known them for years and actually like both of them.   My ex claims they are greedy and very money driven and self absorbed.  He painted her as a self absorbed mother to their son.  There may or may not be some truth in that, from what I hear from others. 

Soon after that r/s ended, he rebounded into a second marriage that only lasted for a few months.  He never talked a whole lot about it other than saying she was young and still wanted to go out to bars and party and since he had a small son, he could not.  She left and they divorced.

Then he met his third wife.  She came from a well-to-do family (father was a lawyer and she had show horses growing up).  She rebelled, dabbled a little with drugs, and ended up as stable help on a farm, which is where he met her.  She moved in with him, miscarried their baby, they got married and had two daughters together.  By all of his accounts, it was a great marriage.  Even in our rough times, he made comments that life had been pretty great with her.  She was a stay at home mom, took care of the house, etc (which doesn’t fit with us – he bashed me when I joked that I wanted to have a kid with him and be a stay at home wife).  They lived frugally.  There were comments from him and friends that knew her and my ex that there were some issues (contolling behavior by him, fights because she wanted to remain a stay-at-home mom and he wanted her to work to help out with expenses, him guilting her into giving up her own horse).  Then she was diagnosed with cancer and when she got very ill, he cared for her at home.  They had been together 11 or 12 years total.  She died and six months later we began our 18 year relationship.

Now he is in a new r/s with a 23 year old.  By all accounts, they are blissfully happy – living together, buying vehicles together, she moved her horse to his place, they work together, vacation together, etc.  She seems to be everything he ever wanted.

Now, I was not around him during any of his previous r/s and even if I had, I would not have known what went on with each r/s behind closed doors.  I can only wonder. 

Even before I started thinking my ex could be BPD, I many times wondered if Wife #3’s cancer had anything to with their relationship.  She died at 38. She was an awesome mom and I can’t imagine leaving two little girls (6 and 9).  But from my ex’s account, she didn’t seem to fight.  It was like she was resolved to die.  She never talked to him about her deep feelings. He alluded to her having be somehow sexually abused but I never put much weight into that after he started trying to tell me I had also probably been abused because I was so “difficult” to love (that was a common thread with him and I never understood why.  Could HE have been sexually abused and was just projecting that onto the women in his life?)   My ex even told me that after she had passed away, her mother told him that at one point she had considered leaving him and he had never even known she thought about leaving.  I know he cut her down when there were issues with his son growing up (he never disciplined his kids and I know from my experience it was not easy dealing with him and his parenting beliefs).   

So, here is what scares me: if the r/s was responsible for the toll on her health - which I believe is a very possible thing - how do I learn to let go of him so I don’t risk the same thing.  My r/s with him has been 18 years of stress and turmoil. I walked on eggshells that whole time.  I cried more in those 18 years than I probably ever did as an infant.  I only wanted him.  I wanted it to work.  It didn’t.  But I loved him and still do.  How do I learn to let go and move on and not keep revisiting my loss and loneliness for him?  Even when I wake up in the morning and say, OK, it’s going to be a great day with only positive feelings, hearing his name or seeing him around town triggers all those memories and feelings.  I want to be over it but can’t seem to do it!  I don’t want to carry these feelings inside of me anymore – I worry about my health.

The other thing I can’t help but wonder is:  why did things get so bad between us when it didn’t with any of the others?  Is that just my current perception?  Were the other woman just smarter to abort the r/s sooner (thru divorce or death)?   Can BPD lay dormant until the person afflicted with it meets the “wrong” person (me, in this case)?  Or were these issues present in every relationship?  Can a pwBPD ever have a good, normal r/s?  Could this 23 year old have found her prince that she will be with until he dies?

Also, can someone direct me to a site or resource that discusses personality traits/behaviors of children who have been raised by a pwBPD?  This is only for my reference.  I still worry about his children.  And I cannot change anything for them.  I just want to understand, for myself,  more about things I experienced with these people but never fully understood until recently.

I am sorry for being so long winded.  These are just things that I am trying to make sense of.  I meet with a therapist in a couple of weeks.  I am praying she can give me some mental relief and help me sort my feelings out.

Thanks everyone!

[sbr1050]

The thing I have been fearing since my 62 year old uBPDexbf stormed out in December happened today.  I was sitting in my car at an intersection in town, and my ex and his 23 year old GF came around the corner in a truck.  Both looked at me but probably didn’t think I recognized them in the new truck they just bought on Friday.  But I did.  I thought I was “safe”,as it was the middle of the day – not sure what they were doing out and about and not working (he is a farrier and she is now his apprentice).   I spent the rest of the day with my heart in my throat. 

So, seeing him with her has turned my brain to mush.  It’s one thing to think about him with someone else but to actually see them together in photos or in person, it just crushes me.  Over and over again. This was a man I wanted to grow old with.  I wanted a child with him.  I wanted him to feel safe with me.  And he threw me away like trash.   All afternoon, I have been analyzing and rehashing our 18 years together, trying to make sense of what happened – just trying to find some understanding or clarity about it all.

My ex originally got married young.   She had gotten knocked up in high school and married the father of the baby.  My ex came along and “rescued” her from that marriage.  My ex’s father pressured him to do the right thing and marry her instead of just live with her.  Together they had a son (who is now 38).  The marriage lasted only 3 or 4 years.  By his account, one of the issues was that she was driven by money and wanted him to work harder.  He did not want to.  She ended up having an affair with her boss and left the marriage for the boss.  They are still together, 40+ years later and have done very well for themselves.  I have known them for years and actually like both of them.   My ex claims they are greedy and very money driven and self absorbed.  He painted her as a self absorbed mother to their son.  There may or may not be some truth in that, from what I hear from others. 

Soon after that r/s ended, he rebounded into a second marriage that only lasted for a few months.  He never talked a whole lot about it other than saying she was young and still wanted to go out to bars and party and since he had a small son, he could not.  She left and they divorced.

Then he met his third wife.  She came from a well-to-do family (father was a lawyer and she had show horses growing up).  She rebelled, dabbled a little with drugs, and ended up as stable help on a farm, which is where he met her.  She moved in with him, miscarried their baby, they got married and had two daughters together.  By all of his accounts, it was a great marriage.  Even in our rough times, he made comments that life had been pretty great with her.  She was a stay at home mom, took care of the house, etc (which doesn’t fit with us – he bashed me when I joked that I wanted to have a kid with him and be a stay at home wife).  They lived frugally.  There were comments from him and friends that knew her and my ex that there were some issues (contolling behavior by him, fights because she wanted to remain a stay-at-home mom and he wanted her to work to help out with expenses, him guilting her into giving up her own horse).  Then she was diagnosed with cancer and when she got very ill, he cared for her at home.  They had been together 11 or 12 years total.  She died and six months later we began our 18 year relationship.

Now he is in a new r/s with a 23 year old.  By all accounts, they are blissfully happy – living together, buying vehicles together, she moved her horse to his place, they work together, vacation together, etc.  She seems to be everything he ever wanted.

Now, I was not around him during any of his previous r/s and even if I had, I would not have known what went on with each r/s behind closed doors.  I can only wonder. 

Even before I started thinking my ex could be BPD, I many times wondered if Wife #3’s cancer had anything to with their relationship.  She died at 38. She was an awesome mom and I can’t imagine leaving two little girls (6 and 9).  But from my ex’s account, she didn’t seem to fight.  It was like she was resolved to die.  She never talked to him about her deep feelings. He alluded to her having be somehow sexually abused but I never put much weight into that after he started trying to tell me I had also probably been abused because I was so “difficult” to love (that was a common thread with him and I never understood why.  Could HE have been sexually abused and was just projecting that onto the women in his life?)   My ex even told me that after she had passed away, her mother told him that at one point she had considered leaving him and he had never even known she thought about leaving.  I know he cut her down when there were issues with his son growing up (he never disciplined his kids and I know from my experience it was not easy dealing with him and his parenting beliefs).   

So, here is what scares me: if the r/s was responsible for the toll on her health - which I believe is a very possible thing - how do I learn to let go of him so I don’t risk the same thing.  My r/s with him has been 18 years of stress and turmoil. I walked on eggshells that whole time.  I cried more in those 18 years than I probably ever did as an infant.  I only wanted him.  I wanted it to work.  It didn’t.  But I loved him and still do.  How do I learn to let go and move on and not keep revisiting my loss and loneliness for him?  Even when I wake up in the morning and say, OK, it’s going to be a great day with only positive feelings, hearing his name or seeing him around town triggers all those memories and feelings.  I want to be over it but can’t seem to do it!  I don’t want to carry these feelings inside of me anymore – I worry about my health.

The other thing I can’t help but wonder is:  why did things get so bad between us when it didn’t with any of the others?  Is that just my current perception?  Were the other woman just smarter to abort the r/s sooner (thru divorce or death)?   Can BPD lay dormant until the person afflicted with it meets the “wrong” person (me, in this case)?  Or were these issues present in every relationship?  Can a pwBPD ever have a good, normal r/s?  Could this 23 year old have found her prince that she will be with until he dies?

Also, can someone direct me to a site or resource that discusses personality traits/behaviors of children who have been raised by a pwBPD?  This is only for my reference.  I still worry about his children.  And I cannot change anything for them.  I just want to understand, for myself,  more about things I experienced with these people but never fully understood until recently.

I am sorry for being so long winded.  These are just things that I am trying to make sense of.  I meet with a therapist in a couple of weeks.  I am praying she can give me some mental relief and help me sort my feelings out.

Thanks everyone!

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Hey sbr, so glad you are here!  I hear your pain at seeing your ex and his new gf today and am so sorry for that.  I can only imagine how much that must suck.  Again, I am glad you are here with a place to share it.

I am quite new to this whole bpdfamily so am not a reliable source of info about if BPD can manifest itself late in life.  But it is very hard for me to imagine that the problems with your ex were "just you" and that he'd somehow gotten it right all the other times before (nevermind that those r/s didn't last).

It seems that many of us here question ourselves (relentlessly) wondering if it was "just us" and wondering if/wishing we could have somehow done something different to make it turn out different.  But in my short experience with my UxBPDbf, it was definitely not "just me."  Did I contribute to the problems?  Yes.  For sure.  But I am certain the most perfect version of me could not have made that r/s work.  No matter how I changed or what I did. 

And IF, somehow, I could have technically made it "work," it would never been easy, relaxed or fun.  Plus, I am certain the perfect version of me wouldn't have had any patience for that degree of BS of non-stop crises, drama, chaos (with a few good times mixed in (about 30%)).

So I say NO WAY it was all "just you."  Not possible.  Relationships take two. So, at the very minimum (and maybe more) it was at least half him! 

No doubt, it hurts seeing him with the new gf.  But, the way you describe it, sounds like your 18 yrs with him hurt more.   

My r/s with him has been 18 years of stress and turmoil. I walked on eggshells that whole time.  I cried more in those 18 years than I probably ever did as an infant.  I only wanted him.  I wanted it to work.  It didn’t. 

Remember you said the thing you have been fearing since he left (seeing him with the gf) happened today.  You survived.  It may suck.  You may feel hurt or spun out.  Understandably so.  But you survived it.  Are surviving it.  Congratulations on that.  The first time is over.  You did it.  Hang in there, sbr.  You done good!

[joc1970]

I feel your pain