Offered assistance

[runningup]

I broke NC last week, and offered her to attend a joint psych appt, even though she is now living with the man she cheated on me with.

The reply I got via email:

I won't be coming to the appointment. I don't feel there is anything to be gained by it. I am very happy with where I am now. I have grown from what I was and have found myself.

yes i know you understand it but the fact that you called me a pathetic disappointment felt like you were blaming me. All I did was stand up and put myself first for a change.

All i want is for you to move on with your life. I am happy and I won't be coming back to you. I never wanted any of this... .all i wanted was to be heard and understood. Its a shame it took you so long to realise that.

please be safe, ive already lost someone close to me to suicide recently, i don't want to lose another.

please stop asking everyone about me, alot of people are getting annoyed by it

[Reecer1588]

I have grown from what I was and have found myself.g

Well we both know the truth of THAT statement.

but the fact that you called me a pathetic disappointment felt like you were blaming me.

If you really called her that then there's nothing wrong with her statement.

please be safe, ive already lost someone close to me to suicide recently, i don't want to lose another.

WOW this is just like the comments my ex made about me! Always concerned about my killing myself but offering literally zero solace or help! Or even recognizing that SHE was the cause of my agony! I know that this particular line must have made you feel castrated. I know my ex always being so concerned about me made me feel that way. And WOW "I don't want to lose another" Like what a seriously selfish line! Very conceded if you ask me. She sounds so conceded to the point that she legit thinks she's worth killing yourself over. SHE'S NOT. NOTHING IS.

please stop asking everyone about me, alot of people are getting annoyed by it

I'd probs stop communicating with all third parties about her.

Runningup I know this must be an extremely hard time for you right now. I am so sorry man.

[Beach_Babe]

I broke NC last week, and offered her to attend a joint psych appt, even though she is now living with the man she cheated on me with.

The reply I got via email:

I won't be coming to the appointment. I don't feel there is anything to be gained by it. I am very happy with where I am now. I have grown from what I was and have found myself.

yes i know you understand it but the fact that you called me a pathetic disappointment felt like you were blaming me. All I did was stand up and put myself first for a change.

All i want is for you to move on with your life. I am happy and I won't be coming back to you. I never wanted any of this... .all i wanted was to be heard and understood. Its a shame it took you so long to realise that.

please be safe, ive already lost someone close to me to suicide recently, i don't want to lose another.

please stop asking everyone about me, alot of people are getting annoyed by it

translation: 

Hi,

I don't care I screwed you over.  I lack empathy, and your feelings mean zilch . I am a user, and frankly, you were good for it. Nothing personal,  I just can't manipulate you anymore; you see through my bullcrap. Soon the new guy will too. Then I will have to dump him too.  Idealize, devalue and discard. Its who I am and what I do.  Then, alone and desperate I will come crawling back  and show up at that appointment. Hopefully by then you will realize how much better you deserve and be long gone. Because no matter what you do, or hard you try; no matter how much goodness you show me I will never be happy. I am ill, I cannot.

[runningup]

This was the prequal email


you are so childish. i guess your not going to see psychologist next week then... .this is all your fault! you had everything we had everything! i can't believe your acting the way you are. i loved you with everything i had, i put everything into our relationship. i never thought it would end like this if at all.

im sorry

Am I wrong in thinking that she is taking absolutely NO responsibility?

[valet]

I'm sorry man, that sounds like a miserable situation.

Lesson learned though: you can't help someone that doesn't think they want or need your help.

That exchange will offer you some closure, but I do urge you to examine your motives for instigating her rather than trying to de-escalate the conflict. There will be an even deeper sense of peace for you there, when you are ready for it.

[runningup]

Yeah I guess I am instigating as I not in a position mentally where I want to let go just yet, even though she has been so cruel, cheated, moved in with person she cheated on me with, cost me job, house etc, yeah Im not doing to well on te diconnecting from her am i

[runningup]

Sorry I should have put that the "childish" email was from her to me.

[lbjnltx]

 Give yourself a pass on the email, letting go comes in stages and anger is one of those stages.

Going back and forth internally between anger and sorrow is normal too.  It helps if we can work with a pro to sort through the feelings.

Are you going to go ahead with the appointment?


lbjnltx

[runningup]

Yeah I have to drive 1.5hrs to where I used to live to go to appt on Thursday, and I have also booked in one for next week also. needing to go back to my home each week to check on it as trying to sell it etc so going to try and make a appt for each week while at it.

I am going between emotions a LOT, sometimes multiple times in a day.

I sometimes envy her with the disease, and the ability to shut off and cut n run. Wish I wasnt feeling like i do.

[lbjnltx]

The emotional rollercoaster stinks... .

It's a positive that you are making plans to take care of your needs, your personal business, and strategizing too (making the trip count in more than one way). 

I just went through something similar when my husband passed away.  Life as I knew it changed and I had to change with it... .selling my home, moving away from friends, even losing friendships to a degree.  Starting over at 52. 

It's rough.

[runningup]

Im sorry for the loss of your husband. Was he the reason that your on this site?

I am 41 this year, and starting again, I had a step child I raised since 4mths old Im not allowed to see, and we had been trying for a baby when she decided to take up with the workmate and throw our life away.

It stings so much how easy it was for her to do. One day so in love, and literally the next so much hatred for me.

[Infared]

Runningup... .

Just take care of you. Her emais are all about selfishness and control. She talks about your depression and feelings of suicide in regard to how it effects HER life. She is also trying to control you to minimize HER discomfort socially for all the pain she has caused by HER lying, cheating and abandonment.

If everyone would just behave the way she wants them to with all of her selfish manipulation, then everything would be just right, (for HER).

That is what I see in her emails.

The end of my relationship was similar to yours. The abrupt abandonment. All the lies. The other man... .etc., etc.

Except in mine she was talking suicide (I did not know about the other man at that point), I talked to her family about getting her a T, because I deeply cared about her.

Fast forward a few months, she is living with the person which I am sure that she was the day she left, and still lying about the cheating. She and her T invite me to 6 counseling sessions.

I am in so, so much pain that I go, only to find that she has lied about EVERYTHING to the T, (manipulating her).  I went into an ambush where the 2 of the were just attacking me based on her lies. I felt that the therapist was VERY unprofessional as she did not listen to ANYTHING a I had to say even when my ex held her head down in shame when I stated that she had been cheating on me... .It as so obvious that she was lying but the T was having none of that. It was just and infared beat-down session. I can't tell you how hurtful it was. I did not go back for any more abuse. The whole experience was shocking.

So... .you were probably spare even more pain and drama by not sitting down with her with a T. Yours would NEVER put herself in a position like that where she would be at a diadvantage to have control of the situation. No way.

[lbjnltx]

Thank you runnningup.

No... .I came here looking for help with my daughter when she was 12 and diagnosed with emerging BPD.  In retrospect her dad had traits too though not extreme.

Losing the relationship with your daughter (after so long it feels like she's yours right) must be the hardest part.  How old is she now?

In my 20's I went through a relationship like that... .no reason to cheat except his own inner hell.  It left me angry, depressed, confused for a while... .I had to fight my way out of it.  I went to the pastor at my step dad's church as he was also a psychologist.  Best choice I could make for myself.

I'm glad you are making that choice too.  

[runningup]

Yours would NEVER put herself in a position like that where she would be at a diadvantage to have control of the situation. No way.

Thankyou. I hadnt thought of it that way. Thats actually helped, her going would mean she would have to face up to reality, and by being so hurtful and cruel to me, she is trying to ensure I stay away so she doesnt have to face up to the reality.

It funny, people that have seen her around, have asked about me, and her standard responce is that "we broke up because I was controlling and she is glad to be out of that hell"

Thats been hurting a lot hearing that over and over from someone I thought I was going to grow old with.

[Infared]

Yours would NEVER put herself in a position like that where she would be at a diadvantage to have control of the situation. No way.

Thankyou. I hadnt thought of it that way. Thats actually helped, her going would mean she would have to face up to reality, and by being so hurtful and cruel to me, she is trying to ensure I stay away so she doesnt have to face up to the reality.

It funny, people that have seen her around, have asked about me, and her standard responce is that "we broke up because I was controlling and she is glad to be out of that hell"

Thats been hurting a lot hearing that over and over from someone I thought I was going to grow old with.

Mine referred to our "break-up"?... .My standard response: "there was no break-up, there was just you lying and abandoning?".  It shuts her right up... .but see never admitted to any of it to anyone. The guy she is with has no idea that she was cheating on me with him. None. I am sure.

Then mine went on a total "victim" campaign with her family (who I miss terribly), therapist, friends, boyfriend, etc.  Saying I was controlling, etc. (Of course, never mentioning her cheating, abuse, etc). Incredible liar and manipulator. I just receded when I saw the truth and that I had no chance to win that war.  On top of that the two of them would go out of their way to act out in public in a way to emotionally hurt me, every chance that they got, like 7th graders. If I had not lived it I would not believe it.

I went strict NC, got therapy and support and worked on me. I found it to be the most positive place to direct my energies.  Interacting with her, I slowly came to see, was nothing but poison to me... .no matter how much I wished it was the way it had been before. That was totally gone. I had to accept it. My survival depended on it. It's not easy stuff buddy... .not easy at all.

[Turkish]

This was the prequal email


you are so childish. i guess your not going to see psychologist next week then... .this is all your fault! you had everything we had everything! i can't believe your acting the way you are. i loved you with everything i had, i put everything into our relationship. i never thought it would end like this if at all.

im sorry

Am I wrong in thinking that she is taking absolutely NO responsibility?

This is pretty typical, runningup. I heard, "this happened" "maybe this had to happen" "I didn't seek out [other man]" and so on, when it was her choice to do what she did due to splitting me, and actively seeking out someone new to soothe her core pain.

I was "sent" to therapy... .abandoned in couples' counseling. The thing is I thought, "to heck with this, I'm staying with it," and did for about 8 months. Our pwBPD will do what they do as they are independent entities with free will, disordered or not. What will we do? It's tough to get validation from an invalidating person who may be focused all on themselves, especially after having detached themselves from the relationship and offering no closure, at least as we would like it. We talk here about validating the person with BPD, but sometimes the hardest thing we can do is validate ourselves.

I'm glad that you're surrounding yourself with supportive people. It's tough to be alone in this.

Turkish

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Here's another translation using HER words.  I just swapped the I's and you's to better reveal her projections . 

I don't know if the part about suicide rings true, but seems like there is probably a lot of truth in these statements.  She just didn't know which parts were really about you (i.e., all you did was stand up for yourself) and which parts were really about her (i.e., a shame it took me (her) so long to realize it (even if it is still not conscious to her yet): 

You won't be coming to the appointment. You don't feel there is anything to be gained by it. You are very happy with where you are now. You have grown from what you were and have found yourself.

yes you know I understand it but the fact that I called you a pathetic disappointment felt like I was blaming you. All you did was stand up and put yourself first for a change.

All you want is for me to move on with my life. You are happy and you won't be coming back to me. You never wanted any of this... .all you wanted was to be heard and understood. Its a shame it took me so long to realise that.

please (me) be safe, you've already lost someone close to you to suicide recently, you don't want to lose another.

please (me) stop asking everyone about you, alot of people are getting annoyed by it

[runningup]

Well I have woken up this morning in a mess. Had a better day of it yesterday but I suspect I have perhaps had a dream or something and woken up extremely reminisant of all the positive elements of the relationship, and feeling quite low now. Ironically it fallen on the 2 mth anniversary of me finding out what she did and my life changing forever.

I want to be not having these thoughts, its very painful, had a couple of emotional breakdowns this morning already and only been awake for 2 hrs.

[Infared]

Well I have woken up this morning in a mess. Had a better day of it yesterday but I suspect I have perhaps had a dream or something and woken up extremely reminisant of all the positive elements of the relationship, and feeling quite low now. Ironically it fallen on the 2 mth anniversary of me finding out what she did and my life changing forever.

I want to be not having these thoughts, its very painful, had a couple of emotional breakdowns this morning already and only been awake for 2 hrs.

You are coming to terms with and grieving a huge loss in your life. This is painful stuff, but it's part of life and you CAN get through this. One step at a time. Just keep it in the present. In one 24-hr period. No future, no past and it's totally doable... .Right?

[runningup]

agreed, cant live in the past as that is gone, she is gone and my life as i knew it is gone. what i had worked for 5 yrs years to build is gone, and everything from then forward will be different, im concerned it will never imho be as good as i knew.