Has anyone successfully moved on without rehasing the past?

[Sunfl0wer]

Looking to hear specifically from anyone who has found a path for moving on that had very little focus on the ex?

As I see tons of the other easily... .

I am not judging one against the other, I'm just trying to understand another possible perspective

If there exists one... .please tell me!

I am uninsured, therefore paying cash for sessions, hence increased motivation for getting the full benefit of the sessions in shortest amount of time possible.  Not wanting to waste two or three sessions just to vent... .I can do that here, or anywhere for that matter, and get lots of support.

   Hey guys,

I have been seeing a T to help me to cope with the new set of circumstances that are before me since my recent b/u. _{(with uNPD/BPDex of 5 yrs)}  Namely, being able to function and to move forward in my life.

Oddly enough, T and I have not talked much at all about the ex.  At first, this was actually very refreshing and nice.  Nice to finally have a space in my life where only I existed, where the focus for once, was all about me, and centered around me completely.  However, I hope that I am not "missing out" on something by continuing this way?

If things were to continue this way in therapy, without much focus and mention on the ex, I imagine that I would/could get the full benefits of the therapy? (assuming that I am not suppressing my needs and desires in any way.)  Do you see any downfall to this?

I don't have a strong desire to trash or rehash pain or negative features in the r/s.  I do have a strong desire for introspection and understanding and currently feeling that focusing on just ME feels right, and may be more useful to me ATM.  I am wondering if "moving on" is better served by just referring to issues about the ex as they naturally come up in my discussions about me? Which so far seems quite effective and seems to help keep the focus on what I can control: me. Or is it necessary to actually bring up the ex specifically to "fix" my thinking specifically in terms of this/other r/s and my own r/s dynamic?

I'm thinking that focusing specifically on the ex r/s is not necessary "to move on"... .but wanting to hear from anyone who has taken this route or similar please?  

(Hopful someone does respond)

[jhkbuzz]

Hi Sunfl0wer, I think everyone processes differently; there is no single "correct" way to process your emotions after a breakup.

When I went to see my therapist (T) as my ex and I were breaking up I was so sad, confused and anxiety ridden that I HAD to process the b/u first; I had to make sense of the chaos I had been living in; I had to create some sort of coherent story for myself and figure out what I had just been through.  Once that work was done, I shifted naturally to focusing on me - and today I only mention my ex during therapy as part of MY story, not as THE story that's consuming my thoughts - do you know what I mean?

Your questions might be really good ones to ask your T; as long as you're not repressing your emotions surrounding the b/u I think you should trust your process.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you for responding Jhkbuzz!

That makes complete sense.

I think that I have relived a lot of the negative emotions reading and posting here.  I have learned so much of "Why?" he is this or that... .and why the r/s is this or that.  And what I didn't understand... .I did much research about... .looking online, experiences, research, stories, etc.

I feel that I am content to touch on this some, so that we know it is not a taboo topic, but ultimately I would like to continue to focus on me, and continuing to look at areas that I can develop.

I see the r/s as a tool.  A tool that makes it easier in some ways to bring forward the areas of work that I need to do on myself.  A way to explain why I'm at the spot I am at with my emotions and such.

I am content that if we are addressing these areas of mine directly, then the r/s can be discussed as a side topic to my own growth.

Thank you for helping me make sense of this!

[jhkbuzz]

I see the r/s as a tool.  A tool that makes it easier in some ways to bring forward the areas of work that I need to do on myself.  A way to explain why I'm at the spot I am at with my emotions and such.

I see my r/s more as a "spotlight" - it has highlighted some areas that I need to explore and heal. It sounds like we are in a similar place! 

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you Jhkbuzz!

Sometimes I do not trust myself.  Therefore, reading lots of experiences that seem so similar to each other but not always to a certain specific element to me... .makes me wonder about myself.  (Uh... .but then again... .I am posting this on a site almost meant for rehashing in a lot of ways! :P)

I need to work on trusting my instincts.  This is a tricky area... .as how do I trust my instincts when I see some of my outcomes?  I think it is worth it for me to explore how much of my instincts I actually ignored during courtship or other situations... .humm?

Time to get in touch with myself!

[myself]

I agree with all of what jkhbuzz is saying, and went through a similar process in therapy. Bringing the focus to yourself may include the 'spotlight' being on the r/s at times, and not shying away from that will lead to further personal progress. Each of us are going to work through what we're going to work through, especially when we're open with ourselves and put in the sincere effort like you're doing. It's definitely true that these relationships can be a catalyst, but also true that they do not necessarily define us or the path we're choosing to be on.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Which so far seems quite effective and seems to help keep the focus on what I can control: me.

Your statement above seems to say it all.  If the work you are currently doing seems "quite effective" and you don't feel like you are hiding out or avoiding things then it sounds to me like it is working.

Additionally, my experience of you via your posts leaves me thinking you are doing good recovery work because you seem well-focused on you, your behavior, your choices, etc.

Which is not to say that we cannot discuss our ex here or with the T, indeed we should as we need to or as our T thinks we need to, but what you are doing does seem to be working.

I agree with jkhbuzz that you might bring this question up with your T to see what he/she thinks. 

In your own words, trust yourself!

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you myself!  LOl!

(I think your name invites enmeshment... .KIDDING! )

I appreciate and feel very validated hearing your words... .expressions of thoughts from a similar perspective framed slightly differently, however, still with the same feeling that I have.

I like what you state:

The r/s as a catalyst

it does not define us


I admit... .I was tempted to overlook:

put in the sincere effort like you're doing

It is something for me to work on:  Hearing and accepting positive words about me.

Thanks