numb?

[rarsweet]

Do you ever worry that you have so conditioned yourself not to react to them that you aren't reacting to anything else?

[fromheeltoheal]

Dissociating from our emotions is one way to deal with them, if they're too strong and we can't see other options.  Nothing to worry about though, that will go away once we get out of the situation in which we were experiencing them, and it can be helped along by intentionally feeling things all the way and sitting in those emotions, not looking for a way out, just feeling our way through, while also realizing we are not those emotions.

[tortuga]

This is one of my huge problems.

I think that it is in my makeup; FOO, genetics, whatever. My dad shows a lot of codependency traits, and I do too.

I think this is one reason why I have had so many (u)BPD girlfriends in the past. I naturally bottle up my feelings. (and this causes resentment). A partner who bottles their feelings is what works well for a pwBPD.

Eventually, this came out in some maladjusted ways.

First, a little bit of my own identity diffusion.

Then, as avoidant behavior. 

Then, I began having anxiety attacks.

Then, insomnia, and depression. (with the depression, came attention and focus problems, and degradation of executive function - which is nice to have when you're an engineer - not!).

When bad things happened, (dealing with uBPDw stuff), I went through a grieving process that was pretty intense, the mood swings were wild, it included some PTSD symptoms, and it dragged out over 2 years.

Later on, I started getting acid reflux pretty bad. I know that's stress-related. Stress from sitting on my feelings.

This all improved with therapy (and meds - especially for the insomnia). It's given me a lot of insight into how my emotions work.  I can still see how I still have more to work on. And the recent news of my daughter's diagnosis (and suicide attempt) didn't help.  When tramua happens, (it has happened to me several times now), that I know that I go emotionally numb first. Generally for about 2 weeks. I try to compensate, rationally  for the denial - but I know that it can't be forced. Then I start cycling through Anger and Depression. (that's where I'm at now). Then I start with the Bargaining and Blaming, and all the rest.  By now, it's pretty tedious. When I'm in that numb state, I know I'm supposed to be feeling something. I'll sit and try, but I just can't. I try to force myself to cry, but it doesn't do any good, until the sad phase comes and I cry for real. I know it's going to be painful, and I want to just rip the band aid off and get it over with, but I just can't rush it. :P


This is all part of the fun of being a codependent partner of a pwBPD.