at the mercy of my uBPDsis

[stepper123]

My heart breaks every day thinking about my dear sweet nephews who are 4 and 2, and how my uBPD sister is keeping me from them.

It started with my wedding approaching now in September. We are having no children at all, but made an exception for my nephews, who were welcome for the celebrations. We asked for a baby sitter during the ceremony however to avoid interruptions. My sister went on one of her typical rages when she doesn't get what she wants (which was for her kids to be ring bearers), and texted me hours of abusive things including that I am "a parasite to the family" and I am "shunning the most important people in our parent's lives" from my wedding. My BPD mom supports her actions and has done nothing to encourage my sister to behave like an adult.

I didn't back down, which was a first for me in my life. I was always the appeaser and was always expected to understand and forgive my sister. But I said no this time, because it is my wedding and she needs to learn she doesn't get to treat me this way anymore. uBPD sis escalated the situation over months, expecting I would give in, but I calmly held my ground. Now she isn't coming to my wedding. We haven't spoken in months, and her husband is also staying quiet (a victim in all of this). My nephew's birthday came and went. She had a birthday party for him and I wasn't invited, but my mom was there having a great time and smiling in pictures.

I know my sister enough to know she will never apologize for what she has said and she will always think she was right to miss my wedding. But I can't forgive this - she is not someone I want in my life. How can I expect to have a relationship with my nephews when my sister stands in the way? How can I hope we will ever have a relationship when my mother encourages and supports this ridiculous behavior? How do I deal with the guilt of feeling like I hate my only sister and hate my mom even more for creating this monster?

[Pilpel]

The title of your thread is "at the mercy of my uBPD sis,"  but you don't sound like you're at her mercy.  You're doing the right thing by holding your ground at your wedding.  If you have a pattern of appeasing her, there is no better time to break that pattern than when you start a new chapter of your life, one where your husband and (probably soon your own kids) will need to come first in your life.  It's unfortunate that your mom is still appeasing her and validating her self-centered ways.  The way your sister is acting over YOUR wedding is so petty and ridiculous. I hope your husband's family is more normal.  

I'm a bit of an appeaser, too.  And I've appeased BPD SIL at my husband's expense in the past.  I wish I had stood my ground better from the beginning and not been so quick to always go out of my way to make her happy. My experience with a BPD is that they're so self-centered, so miserable, and so quick to interpret the worst in others, that they don't even see how much others appease, forgive, and walk on eggshells around them to keep the peace.  

I don't know the answer to how your relationships with sister, mom and nephews go on.  :)espite the fact that your mom and sister keep trying to bulldoze over you, you can try to just maintain a lovingly distant relationship:  like, "I am glad to have a relationship with you, but only on the condition that I'm treated with respect."  When talking to your sister about how upset she is about your wedding choices, have you acknowledged her feelings?  As irrational as they can be, sometimes if they just hear their feelings acknowledged it can take the steam out of their rage.  It just has to be done in person, though.  Emails and texts tend to get more complicated with a BPD.