The immaturity - I just "got" the afraid child

[Indiegrl]

I just had a little moment 

I have been reading about the childlike behavior, that immaturity is at the core of BPD. But I haven't really connected the dots. I now went through some of the most difficult episodes - for me - in this relationship. And if I presume that he is like a child that is afraid of anything new, he will get distressed and angry in those situations, and blaming me for doing things wrong and not taking care of him.

For instance: Once I invited him to come along at a visit to the city where I studied and worked for half my life. Haven't seen my friends there for more than a year - and these were close friends, my "family". There was a lot of drama, and he was serious about it when he stated that my primary concern should be with his wellbeing, and NOT seing my friends! A boyfriend should be more important than friends! We hardly made it to the airport, I was a wreck, on my toes (walking on eggshells I guess), balancing the act of seeing my friends with his extreme need of being taken care of. If I think of how afraid a 8 year old would be if I said: We are going to travel to a new city where you don't know anybody, and we will meet with my friends. If you don't like it or if you get tired or sick, I will still need to see my friends more than 10 minutes, because these are the people who have been my family in all those years in that city, so I really want to spend some quality time with them. So if you don't like it, please feel free to see a movie, go to the hotelroom, do what you find rewarding, but I go on this trip to see my friends for some good hours. The rest of the weekend I will spend with you, show you everything, we do only what we both want to, but you can't expect me to ditch my friends this one evening, they've all arranged to come meet together, see me.

I think an 8 year old would have understood this better than him. He threathened not to go, and let me know that I was an egoistic girlfriend. *sigh* That hurt a lot, and I found it extremely stressful.

I think of several episodes now... .where he would do a mix of crying in desperation and self-loathing, so utterly ashamed of himself, being a freak who couldn't handle things, and then BAM angry with me for being so egoistic and bad (in oh so many ways) to treat him that way!

It makes sense, all of these episodes, if I see him as a child that gets very afraid when seing the prospect of having to leave his comfort-zone... .Oh, I wish I knew... . . Getting afraid of the unknown, getting afraid to being let down, abandoned, screaming out his needs; "take care of me", getting even more afraid and than angry when I don't respond to the childlike demand and angriness of "take care of me!"/ "how can you do this to me? - I trusted you!" That is what you should do - take care of me! ""When I tell you I'm not safe, and you still refuses to take care of me (be considerate of my feelings), what kind of girlfriend are you?"

Oh my... .I have lived for years in a relationsship with an emotionally immature adult, and I know by own experience that this following quote from this thread https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60935.0

is the sad truth:

It is not practical or reasonable, really, I say to you gently, to expect to have the healthy intimacy, mutuality, or reciprocity that are the hallmarks of healthy relationships with someone who has BPD - simply put, that's the bottom line, sadly enough for all concerned.

I NEED this reciprocity... .I've been alone all my life, I want - need - it to be different... .Think I've got some strong caregiving-instinct, or what?   

[LeonVa]

I hear ya!

In fact, I told my ex wife at one point that having a son with her means I suddenly have two children. One is an infant and one is a pre-teen. I have my hands full!

As a matter of fact, sometimes when we spent our time together with her then 12 year old niece and we jokingly described of some minor arguments we recently had, the teenager niece would turn to her and say, "Why would you do that?".  That was enough to let me know that her mental maturity is at a level below that even a 12 year old.

I'm glad that I'm not the only one felt this way.

[joc1970]

Exactly me3

[Loosestrife]

Great quote indie girl . Thanks for sharing

[Dr56]

There was a lot of drama, and he was serious about it when he stated that my primary concern should be with his wellbeing, and NOT seing my friends!

I experienced this numerous times with my wife, who recently ended our relationship. I'm new to this forum, so reading about experiences like yours is quite illuminating.

Once we were at my best friend's wedding. I was the best man, we've known each other since were we 6. Big day. My wife was acting grumpy through much of the evening, then at one point, stormed off the dance floor, went out to the hotel bar, bought people round after round of drink on my tab, and went back up to our room. I stayed and partied, determined not to let her be a drag. When I got back to the room, I asked her what the deal was. She said, "You were completely wrapped up in having fun tonight and being the center of attention. You paid no attention to me!" I was like, "Um, I'm the best man, I'm part of the ceremony. It's my best friends wedding, it's not about us." She said, "And I didn't like you standing next to that girl, taking photos. You were more focused on her than on me tonight." She was referring to the bridesmaid.

This sort of thing happened more times than I care to remember at family/friend events.

[newlifeBPDfree]

I hear ya!

In fact, I told my ex wife at one point that having a son with her means I suddenly have two children. One is an infant and one is a pre-teen. I have my hands full!

Exactly my feelings for a bigger part of our marriage. I always felt I have two kids - one a baby and another an unruly tennager.

[Survivor25]

YES! I have always felt like I was married to a teenage boy! He only dressed in ripped jeans, t-shirts and tennis shoes unless I picked out his clothes. Even when he dressed in grown man clothes (55 years old), he still looked like he was wearing his father's clothes. He worked as little as possible ad preferred sitting on the back porch, listening to classic rock, lighting incense and smoking cigarettes. WTH? How could I have not seen this? I've just described a 16 year old boy! I found it endearing when we first met, adventurous and exciting and it was, at 28! But by 50, without a savings account, retirement, college funds for our kids, and no motivation to do anything with his life . . . . I kept hoping he wold wake up and snap out of it. BPD's don't just snap out of anything. He wanted to live his way on his terms, and God help me if I questioned or complained about any of it. Yes, I had 4 children and he was my 5th it seems.

[Infared]

I have read all the posts above and I definitely experienced all of the above... .

I could not even plan a vacation to go out of town without cajoling and soothing and constantly reinforcing that all would be well.

The other side of this, which I no one has really mentioned is that so many of those childlike qualities are quite endearing in a woman. There is a sweetness and innocence there that drew me in that just is not present with a more balanced adult.

I found my attraction to that to be my undoing in the end... .

[LeonVa]

I have read all the posts above and I definitely experienced all of the above... .

I could not even plan a vacation to go out of town without cajoling and soothing and constantly reinforcing that all would be well.

The other side of this, which I no one has really mentioned is that so many of those childlike qualities are quite endearing in a woman. There is a sweetness and innocence there that drew me in that just is not present with a more balanced adult.

I found my attraction to that to be my undoing in the end... .

Same here. Before my ex-wife, I dated this well rounded girl, but very experienced (similar to me) and we were playing mind games all the time. After we broke up,  when I first met my ex-wife (with BPD), she just seemed so innocent, it was really a breath of fresh air, I lowered my guard and dived in... .so that was my undoing in the end as well.  When something is too good to be true, it probably is. 

[FigureIt]

I agree that is definitely how my uBPDbf behaves, but having a D9, I would rather deal with her. She can eventually understand and grow. My D9 is in counseling for OCD tendencies and she is very willing to learn, understand ways that she can assist herself. Where as my bf was going to a counselor, hasn't been in 3 months, admits he has issues, but expects me to fix him. Even though he will admit it is him.  I would rather deal with my D9.

[Aussie0zborn]

I hear ya!

In fact, I told my ex wife at one point that having a son with her means I suddenly have two children. One is an infant and one is a pre-teen. I have my hands full!

I used to say to my uBPDw that people get paid to do the job I was doing - ie: being her carer.

As a matter of fact, sometimes when we spent our time together with her then 12 year old niece and we jokingly described of some minor arguments we recently had, the teenager niece would turn to her and say, "Why would you do that?".  That was enough to let me know that her mental maturity is at a level below that even a 12 year old.

That is classic.

[Infared]

I hear ya!

In fact, I told my ex wife at one point that having a son with her means I suddenly have two children. One is an infant and one is a pre-teen. I have my hands full!

I used to say to my uBPDw that people get paid to do the job I was doing - ie: being her carer.

As a matter of fact, sometimes when we spent our time together with her then 12 year old niece and we jokingly described of some minor arguments we recently had, the teenager niece would turn to her and say, "Why would you do that?".  That was enough to let me know that her mental maturity is at a level below that even a 12 year old.

That is classic.

Yet it changes nothing. The behavior just continues.

[Mike-X]

I appreciate the post and your efforts to understand the disorder, dynamics of the relationship, and detaching. If you haven't already read it, I think that you might find this article helpful in trying to connect the dots:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm