I feel terrible. I broke NC today...

[Missy94]

Ok so I've been doing really well. It's been a month almost and I've been working really hard on me and my life... .only today I woke up and couldn't stop thinking about the good times. I rang a friend who talked me down from messaging him and I thought I felt stronger. I busied myself with stuff for a while but the good times wouldn't leave me alone. So I messaged him. Of course I've had no response and now I feel sick to my stomach that I sent the message. I feel ashamed of myself. I feel sad and I feel used and horrible all over again  :'(

[FannyB]

Don't be too hard on yourself Missy. Sometimes we have to take a step backward to ultimately go two forward. You're hurting now, but at least you're not wondering now. He might still yet respond. If not, use his indifference to strengthen your resolve! 

[Missy94]

Hi FannyB... .thanks for response. I feel really alone with it.

I just can't get over how powerful the idealisation phase was... .despite my best efforts to remember his actions (lies betrayal projection plus all the pain and anxiety he caused me) and all the lessons on here and despite me seeing him feeding on other women and his ex on social media all the words he spoke in every moment we felt close keep coming back.

You are right though... .I got to use the indifference to strengthen my resolve. I honestly had the same desperation as a drug addict today 

[DyingLove]

So very sorry missy. I was there today too.  I really feel for you, and I can practically feel your twisted gut.  I came within inches of being where you are.  If you feel this again EVER, come on and ask for help immediately.  We all fall off the wagon, but we get back on and you will too.  You are far from being alone. You are not the first or will you be the last to break N/C.  I'm strong and recharged right now from everyone here on the board, but earlier I was falling apart, I was weak and hurting and crying and I was confused and crushed. Everyone here brought me back to life. I swear!  You had a setback, you will make it again and stronger! You might still get a reply and it might be something nice. I hope it for you. 

[Missy94]

I'm such a mess right now. You know I don't know what I would do if he did reply? I was so ill by the end of our relationship I no way would want to go back to that and after 3 recycles I know it would be the same... .he would be the same.

I feel just like you describe. An addict fallen off the wagon. I'm such a responsible person in my professional life. My friends and family just don't understand why I put up with his behaviour for so long and that I'm this messed up about him.

So hard to rationalize today.

Thank you Dying Love it feels good to know I'm not alone and that you feel better for coming here today. Well done for that!

Times like this a time machine would be great... .

[Infared]

So very sorry missy. I was there today too.  I really feel for you, and I can practically feel your twisted gut.  I came within inches of being where you are.  If you feel this again EVER, come on and ask for help immediately.  We all fall off the wagon, but we get back on and you will too.  You are far from being alone. You are not the first or will you be the last to break N/C.  I'm strong and recharged right now from everyone here on the board, but earlier I was falling apart, I was weak and hurting and crying and I was confused and crushed. Everyone here brought me back to life. I swear!  You had a setback, you will make it again and stronger! You might still get a reply and it might be something nice. I hope it for you. 

Dying Love... .LOVE your new icon! MUCH more positive.

[valet]

I feel just like you describe. An addict fallen off the wagon. I'm such a responsible person in my professional life. My friends and family just don't understand why I put up with his behaviour for so long and that I'm this messed up about him.

I understand why you feel so crappy about breaking NC.

I did it myself a few times.

The reality is that you have to remember that although it may seem impossible sometimes, you are in control of yourself. Addictions are everywhere, and they are broken quite consistently. It is all about behavioral patterns. One day vs. a month is not that bad. You may be temporarily feeling down, but you will feel much better than you did at the beginning if you stick to your own rules.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Dying Love... .LOVE your new icon! MUCH more positive.

Infrared and DyingLove, I thought the same thing about DL's new icon.  Way to go!

AND, DyingLove, I just noticed you publicly claiming your commitment by putting your stats as your quote at the bottom of your profile.  What a great idea!  I think I will do that too.

Thank you Dying Love it feels good to know I'm not alone and that you feel better for coming here today. Well done for that!

Missy, so sorry for the hard day and please know you are SO NOT ALONE here!  As he mentioned, DyingLove reached out today and this board rallied around him big time.  Know we are rallying around you too! 

As badly as this all feels right now, you got really great information today.  You have (painfully) learned again the price to your spirit for breaking NC.  This confirms how much NC actually means to you and how much you do want to move forward.  Kudos to you for knowing that!

[Missy94]

[quote/] Missy, so sorry for the hard day and please know you are SO NOT ALONE here!  As he mentioned, DyingLove reached out today and this board rallied around him big time.  Know we are rallying around you too! 

As badly as this all feels right now, you got really great information today.  You have (painfully) learned again the price to your spirit for breaking NC.  This confirms how much NC actually means to you and how much you do want to move forward.  Kudos to you for knowing that![/quote]
Infared I just woke up and read your post     Thank you. You all understand and that's really helpful and positive to me right now. I just felt such a loser after everything I thought I'd 'learned' so far.

I'm going to go do something healthy, take a run and eat something good. Hope you're all feeling ok this morning. Hugs to all