Couples therapy starts tomorrow - what not to say or do?

[PurpleSkies]

So, my wife and I are going for our first session tomorrow, with a couples therapist with some experience with BPD, and who works with CBT.  The last time we went for counselling - over 2 years ago - my wife quit after 2 sessions, in hysterical tears.

I am scared of saying something tomorrow that will be too difficult for her.  I had thought about just keeping a low profile, or stating anything that comes up in terms of 'my goals', and what I can do to make things better.  Such as learning how to validate better (which I find really quite hard sometimes, especially in the face of criticism).

I'd really appreciate any suggestions. Thanks very much 

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[formflier]

 

PurpleSkies,

I've been in and out of MC (marriage counseling) with my wife for over 5 years now.  I've seen her stomp out... .say she will never come back... .etc etc.

We've been to several different counselors... .so... .I remember the fear that you talk about.

What I want to encourage you to do... .is go in with a wise mind... .don't take the bait.

Bait?  Most likely your wife knows how to push your buttons... .when stressed... .she will probably try to push them.

2nd:  Don't operate or say things... .or avoid saying things... .out of fear.  Note:  Very different from saying anything you feel... .and whatever is on your mind.

Take your cues from the MC... .most likely best to stay away from labels... .(BPD)... .talk about behaviors (circular arguments, blaming). 

Try not to think about MC as a right and wrong place... .you have your opinion... .she has hers... .MC will help you find common ground.

She may dysregulate... .that is her issue... .not yours. 

Are either of you working with an individual T?

I'll try to check in later tonight for any updates.

FF

[maxsterling]

Can I assume your W is diagnosed BPD?  Does the MC know this beforehand?

My advice is to go in with an extremely open mind, no agenda, let the MC steer the conversations, and mostly just listen.  Your wife will probably spend considerable time complaining about you.  That's a trap, and don't fall for it.  Just listen. 

The best I have gotten out of MC is an opportunity for my wife to get some things off her chest and have the MC negotiate her through them.  In other words, it's a place for me to listen to my wife about what is really going on in a relatively safe environment.

If you go in with the attitude that you are going to get some stuff about your wife off your chest and have the MC validate and agree with you - don't bother - it won't happen that way. 

[PurpleSkies]

Thanks so much guys - my wife is undiagnosed. She's high functioning. She is scared of therapy. She said once that if she were to start therapy, she'd have to continue for the rest of her life.

She also views it is as expensive and unnecessary. I am priming myself for the comments afterwards, such as 'I'm happy to do this for you, but I want you to know that I think it is a waste of money, when our finances are tight. We could be spending our money on happy things, but you'd rather go over the same old painful things with someone else and pay extortionate money for it. I don't see the point.'

I don't think she will be aggressive tomorrow, although she may play the victim. I know that there is no point in trying to get validation from the MC. I'm doing this to find a way for us to stay together. I won't benefit from her being triggered. Right and wrong don't exist, as far as I'm concerned. What is the point of blame? Now that I've moved past blame, it seems like such a silly concept. I do, however, think that treating other people and especially young children in a way that validates their experience is crucial, even when we disagree with what has happened. I have accepted that she is not likely to change. Whether I stay or not is my choice, defined by what I am willing to put up with and what benefits there are for me staying or leaving, for everyone.

Wise mind - good advice. I will drive mindfully into town beforehand... .! Also good advice about letting the MC take charge. Thank you.

Since I have started seeing her as someone who experiences emotional pain like a burn patient, it has helped. But I don't know how to help my kids, and her own. Last night, after her son put his elbow on the table for the third time, she jabbed him with her fork. He screamed - mostly out of emotional pain - and sat in the bathroom crying for a long time. She then shamed him to the point that he was numb afterwards, for not eating his tea. I feel so sorry for him. Another BPD or NPD in the making. If that had been our toddler, I might have left her last night. I feel nauseous at the thought. She was ashamed of herself, and apologised to her son. But not to the rest of us, who suffered as well during that episode. It has taken me so long to realise that she looks well on the outside, and is, most of the time, but is actually very unwell on the inside, and in a great deal of pain, as she would say, 'all the time'.

[PurpleSkies]

Oh - I've seen a couple of counsellors in the four and a half years since we met. She has never been in individual therapy. I'm not seeing anyone right now. I stopped in Jan.

If she walks out this time, I will go back into therapy again.

[formflier]

 

Have you ever done "family T"... .and involve the kids?

That was the trick to get things going in the right direction for my family.

Last summer was busy for us.  We both were doing IC, still in MC... .and were also going to FT.

But... .it worked.  I don't want to say everything is fixed... .but the momentum shifted... .I have decided I'm not going back.  She has said as much as well... .

We still take small detours... .but I believe I see them for what they are... .

FF

[PurpleSkies]

Family therapy. Well... .  I think it would do a world of good. There are some challenges though. My 13 year old stays with us every other weekend. My other daughter is with us half the time. Her two are with us, apart from 3 Fridays a month and one Saturday. And then, there is the toddler (20 months) who has decided that humans should revert back to the chimps and climb everything possible. Something to think about though. I think if she knew how scared the kids were of her anger something might click, if it were to come from them. Then again, nothing (and everything) is her fault.

How do you get past that brick wall made of eggshells?

[formflier]

How do you get past that brick wall made of eggshells?

You really don't... .

It's more a mindset of you doing the right things... .keeping your side of the street clean... .and not taking the bait... .

Once their methods are not working anymore... .they will change... .

It's a roundabout way of doing things... .but it does work... .just don't focus on a lot of "exactness" in the outcome you are looking for.

"less conflict" is doable... .having an exact... .repeatable way that disagreements are solved... .is most likely not going to happen... .

Hope that makes sense.

FF

[PurpleSkies]

I think I get you on the keeping this side of the street clean. Thanks. It makes sense. Also the inexact nature of the process.

Do you have any suggestions on how to protect the kids? Sounds like you might have some experience in this dept.

[formflier]

Do you have any suggestions on how to protect the kids? Sounds like you might have some experience in this dept.

I have 8 kids... .so... .yeah... .a bit of experience... .not all of it good.

Yep... .8... . 

So... .the best thing for the kids is to lessen conflict in an emotionally healthy way in the family.

Appeasement is not emotionally healthy.

Boy... .this is a big question. 

You need to think through your own limits and values... .and figure out what you can put up with.  Then stick to it... .consistently.

For me... .the rages combined with corporal punishment went to far.  I involved authorities... .that got us into family T... .and things turned around.  No corporal punishment since then... .

This is big topic... .one I'm happy to keep talking about... .but focus on your r/s with your wife... .the benefits there wil flow down to kids.

FF