Self preservation or the problem?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I keep rehashing events and episodes in my relationship with my uBPDexbf (which ended in December).  I keep thinking, if I had just done this, OR, if I hadn’t acted that way…

How do you come to terms or understanding with your role in the relationship? 

I was very young when I met him. I had never been in a relationship before, let alone a relationship with a man that was 17 years older and a widower with small children.  I was literally plunged into a very, very challenging role.  Adding in his uBPD (which I had no clue about until 18 years later), it was a bad situation.  Essentially, he blamed me for all that was wrong in the relationship and I could not do anything right.

I am working on myself, trying to take my share of responsibility or mistakes.  For myself and my own healing.  But I am getting myself more confused.

Here’s an example:

For 15 years I wanted a baby with this man.  We talked about it but due to the nature of the relationship, I never felt comfortable telling him how deep of a desire this was for me.  There were times when I did, and he would cut me down or find fault (“Do you know how expensive a kid is?” or “I don’t want to financially raise another kid – you need to sell your property,move into my tiny house, and get a job somewhere so we can afford it”).  I got to a point of being afraid to talk about it with him.

Two years ago, I tried to leave him, telling him one of the reasons was I wanted a chance to find someone to that might still want a kid with me.  Long story short, he would not let me leave and I gave him another chance.  The baby thing was a big selling point for me because he became so encouraging and supportive about looking into our possibilities (he had a vasectomy years ago, I was 45). For about two months, I allowed myself to wish and hope about a real future with him. I was on such a cloud about it.  It was such a high.  In the back of my mind, though, I was scared of when it would fall apart.  But I was so excited about possible having a baby with him! Anyways, he made an appointment for himself and we went to see what could be done.  My ex made a few comments about how we would be paying for the appointment but I brushed it off.  I was on a high.  I had to wait a bit to get an appointment to see someone and in the meantime, the same dramas started back up – “You don’t love me enough”, “You don’t show me you love me enough”, “why won’t you give yourself to me”, etc, etc.  Then he hit me with, “I don’t know if I even want to have a baby with you!”  I felt like that was the lowest blow he could have used – he knew this was what I wanted more than anything. Financially, I could have done it on my own. There were numerous circular discussions that went nowhere and even made the situation worse. I tried explaining that the fact that I wanted a baby with him, and ONLY him, was the biggest form of love I could think of.  Nothing eased his circular thoughts.  I cancelled the appointment and told him I realized now that it was a bad idea and that if he wasn’t sure about it, I couldn’t put him thru it.  I was beyond crushed.  Never had my biological clock ticked as loud as it did that day.  My whole future was shot, I felt!

Right at that time, his daughter announced she was pregnant.  It devastated me! And I told him why – he was excited about becoming a grandfather but could care less about my dreams. I’d hear him on the phone, asking her things about the doctor appointments, how she was feeling, etc (all things that were out of character for him).  He was cold to me about it all. He blamed me and said, “Well, YOU are the one that cancelled the appointment!”  Never felt just how unloved I was with him as I was over this.  He really never knew what was in my heart or how much I loved him.

He started saying things, in blunt tone, to me like, “Well, you can be a grandmother to the new baby”.  I point blank told him that it would be too hard for me. I told him I would never deny him time with his grandchild but I, at this point, could not feel excitement over it, that my heart ached for the baby we’d never have.   I admitted it was MY problem and I asked him to just understand.  He could not.  He kept throwing up in my face how difficult I was being over it and it was my fault for cancelling the appointment.  I kept waiting for him to show me compassion and understanding and wanted him to make me feel safe to move forward with him on it.

These are the types of things I struggle with.  These are the things I beat myself up over and analyze, over and over!  There are years and years of episodes like this.  His lack of concern for me was there all the time – I just never admitted what it was.  I cut him slack, made excuses.  In the beginning, there was physical abuse by him when things didn’t suit him or I called him on his lack of empathy.  I am not happy or proud with my reaction about his daughter’s pregnancy announcement, a daughter I helped raise.  On one hand, I tell myself his disorder caused me to find new defense mechanisms for myself.  That I had to find my own ways of dealing with my sadness, upset, whatever.  On the other hand, I beat myself and say, “If you just hadn’t acted that way, you might not have lost him and the relationship”.

I just don’t know anymore: am I disordered too?

[sbr1050]

I keep rehashing events and episodes in my relationship with my uBPDexbf (which ended in December).  I keep thinking, if I had just done this, OR, if I hadn’t acted that way…

How do you come to terms or understanding with your role in the relationship? 

I was very young when I met him. I had never been in a relationship before, let alone a relationship with a man that was 17 years older and a widower with small children.  I was literally plunged into a very, very challenging role.  Adding in his uBPD (which I had no clue about until 18 years later), it was a bad situation.  Essentially, he blamed me for all that was wrong in the relationship and I could not do anything right.

I am working on myself, trying to take my share of responsibility or mistakes.  For myself and my own healing.  But I am getting myself more confused.

Here’s an example:

For 15 years I wanted a baby with this man.  We talked about it but due to the nature of the relationship, I never felt comfortable telling him how deep of a desire this was for me.  There were times when I did, and he would cut me down or find fault (“Do you know how expensive a kid is?” or “I don’t want to financially raise another kid – you need to sell your property,move into my tiny house, and get a job somewhere so we can afford it”).  I got to a point of being afraid to talk about it with him.

Two years ago, I tried to leave him, telling him one of the reasons was I wanted a chance to find someone to that might still want a kid with me.  Long story short, he would not let me leave and I gave him another chance.  The baby thing was a big selling point for me because he became so encouraging and supportive about looking into our possibilities (he had a vasectomy years ago, I was 45). For about two months, I allowed myself to wish and hope about a real future with him. I was on such a cloud about it.  It was such a high.  In the back of my mind, though, I was scared of when it would fall apart.  But I was so excited about possible having a baby with him! Anyways, he made an appointment for himself and we went to see what could be done.  My ex made a few comments about how we would be paying for the appointment but I brushed it off.  I was on a high.  I had to wait a bit to get an appointment to see someone and in the meantime, the same dramas started back up – “You don’t love me enough”, “You don’t show me you love me enough”, “why won’t you give yourself to me”, etc, etc.  Then he hit me with, “I don’t know if I even want to have a baby with you!”  I felt like that was the lowest blow he could have used – he knew this was what I wanted more than anything. Financially, I could have done it on my own. There were numerous circular discussions that went nowhere and even made the situation worse. I tried explaining that the fact that I wanted a baby with him, and ONLY him, was the biggest form of love I could think of.  Nothing eased his circular thoughts.  I cancelled the appointment and told him I realized now that it was a bad idea and that if he wasn’t sure about it, I couldn’t put him thru it.  I was beyond crushed.  Never had my biological clock ticked as loud as it did that day.  My whole future was shot, I felt!

Right at that time, his daughter announced she was pregnant.  It devastated me! And I told him why – he was excited about becoming a grandfather but could care less about my dreams. I’d hear him on the phone, asking her things about the doctor appointments, how she was feeling, etc (all things that were out of character for him).  He was cold to me about it all. He blamed me and said, “Well, YOU are the one that cancelled the appointment!”  Never felt just how unloved I was with him as I was over this.  He really never knew what was in my heart or how much I loved him.

He started saying things, in blunt tone, to me like, “Well, you can be a grandmother to the new baby”.  I point blank told him that it would be too hard for me. I told him I would never deny him time with his grandchild but I, at this point, could not feel excitement over it, that my heart ached for the baby we’d never have.   I admitted it was MY problem and I asked him to just understand.  He could not.  He kept throwing up in my face how difficult I was being over it and it was my fault for cancelling the appointment.  I kept waiting for him to show me compassion and understanding and wanted him to make me feel safe to move forward with him on it.

These are the types of things I struggle with.  These are the things I beat myself up over and analyze, over and over!  There are years and years of episodes like this.  His lack of concern for me was there all the time – I just never admitted what it was.  I cut him slack, made excuses.  In the beginning, there was physical abuse by him when things didn’t suit him or I called him on his lack of empathy.  I am not happy or proud with my reaction about his daughter’s pregnancy announcement, a daughter I helped raise.  On one hand, I tell myself his disorder caused me to find new defense mechanisms for myself.  That I had to find my own ways of dealing with my sadness, upset, whatever.  On the other hand, I beat myself and say, “If you just hadn’t acted that way, you might not have lost him and the relationship”.

I just don’t know anymore: am I disordered too?