Did you live with your BPD EX?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was just wondering who all lived with their BPD ex? How long did you live together, do you think that had something to do with speeding up the ending?

I was with my ex girlfriend for two years. For the first year and a half we lived apart from each other about thirty five minutes, with me going up there the majority of the time. She had her own place. My two kids and I shared a duplex with my best friend and his two kids.

My ex gf and I lived together (with my kids three nights a week) for roughly seven months. I really believe that this helped to speed up the ending of our relationship. There were traits of hers that she could keep hidden while she lived alone.  Living with my kids upped her anxiety, which in turn upped her drinking as a method of coping. I think at the end she saw my kids as an issues to my being able to spend time with her. Even though we had the kids three nights a week, left four nights a week for us.

It also allowed me to see more of her controlling nature, we couldn't use the dishwasher because she was raised without one and felt doing dishes by hand was a better way, but we could use the dishwasher as a 'drying rack". once we broke up she admittied to me that using the dishwasher wasn't a bad idea, and maybe she shouldn't have been so controlling.

I do miss the sleeping next to her every night though. I've not been with her for over two months now and that is still rough. I loved cuddling with her, and she was the only woman ever I let spoon me and it was so nice. She could calm me down like nothing else.

But living with her allowed me to see how she could have extreme outbursts of anger. How she had a problem regulating her mood. Heck there were times that even trying to grocery shop together was a problem.

had we not lived together maybe we would have lasted longer, maybe it's a blessing. I do miss having someone to come home to. The nights and times that were good just relaxing, watching Netflix, playing cards, sitting on the balcony together.

It's ironic because I worked retail at the time and it was always an issue that she felt she didn't see me enough.

The guy she is dating now lives over an hour and a half away, what a hypocrite

[confusedinWI]

I was just wondering who all lived with their BPD ex? How long did you live together, do you think that had something to do with speeding up the ending?

I was with my ex girlfriend for two years. For the first year and a half we lived apart from each other about thirty five minutes, with me going up there the majority of the time. She had her own place. My two kids and I shared a duplex with my best friend and his two kids.

My ex gf and I lived together (with my kids three nights a week) for roughly seven months. I really believe that this helped to speed up the ending of our relationship. There were traits of hers that she could keep hidden while she lived alone.  Living with my kids upped her anxiety, which in turn upped her drinking as a method of coping. I think at the end she saw my kids as an issues to my being able to spend time with her. Even though we had the kids three nights a week, left four nights a week for us.

It also allowed me to see more of her controlling nature, we couldn't use the dishwasher because she was raised without one and felt doing dishes by hand was a better way, but we could use the dishwasher as a 'drying rack". once we broke up she admittied to me that using the dishwasher wasn't a bad idea, and maybe she shouldn't have been so controlling.

I do miss the sleeping next to her every night though. I've not been with her for over two months now and that is still rough. I loved cuddling with her, and she was the only woman ever I let spoon me and it was so nice. She could calm me down like nothing else.

But living with her allowed me to see how she could have extreme outbursts of anger. How she had a problem regulating her mood. Heck there were times that even trying to grocery shop together was a problem.

had we not lived together maybe we would have lasted longer, maybe it's a blessing. I do miss having someone to come home to. The nights and times that were good just relaxing, watching Netflix, playing cards, sitting on the balcony together.

It's ironic because I worked retail at the time and it was always an issue that she felt she didn't see me enough.

The guy she is dating now lives over an hour and a half away, what a hypocrite

[Turkish]

Those sound like happy memries, cWI.

It sounds like she was triggered by engulfment fears. She may have sincerely wanted what you had between you at the time, but became triggered and ran.

It took 6 years and 2 kids for mine to run. She used to say, "I have everything I ever wanted, yet why do I still feel so empty?" I never knew how to validate that. By the time I started asserting boundaries in a non-validating way, it began to unravel.

She's been with the replacement Other Man for over a year. He is moving in any time now.  I moved in with her after 2 months of friendship and 3 being in a r/s. So she asserted a boundary. Perhaps yours did as well, consciously or not?

[starshine]

I did live with my uBPDex.  We were in a relationship for a year before he moved in with me and my kids.  At the time I had my kids 50% of the time (shared with a personality disordered ex).  We lived in my apartment for 3 1/2 years, but things started getting really weird after we moved into the house he paid for ($17,000) and we rehabbed.  Money pit in a historic neighborhood.)  I think our moving in together into a house that he felt ownership over contributed greatly to our demise.  When we lived in my apartment he seemed to manage himself better.  Maybe that led to greater resentments though, on his part.  I was unclear on personality disorders when we were together, but it appeared like he needed to break rules or misbehave.  I got to a point where I gave him small rules that were ok to break (as opposed to the big rules; no drinking, no driving around with pot in the car, etc) like not wearing blue on Wednesday.  I just figured he needed something to push back against, and I was ok with that.  I tried to make a joke out of it.  We lived together in the house we rehabbed for about 6 months before I found a place to live in with my kids, and that was what was the beginning of the end.  The day I moved out was the day he ended it.  So in total, we lived together for 4 years, and I only got to know who he really was on the last day we lived together.  

[confusedinWI]

Those sound like happy memries, cWI.

It sounds like she was triggered by engulfment fears. She may have sincerely wanted what you had between you at the time, but became triggered and ran.

It took 6 years and 2 kids for mine to run. She used to say, "I have everything I ever wanted, yet why do I still feel so empty?" I never knew how to validate that. By the time I started asserting boundaries in a non-validating way, it began to unravel.

She's been with the replacement Other Man for over a year. He is moving in any time now.  I moved in with her after 2 months of friendship and 3 being in a r/s. So she asserted a boundary. Perhaps yours did as well, consciously or not?

Turkish at the end you stated maybe she asserted a boundary, meaning my ex? I'm confused as to what boundary.

She didn't talk about past relationships too much. I knew she lived with her younger sister for a bit, but she mostly lived by herself. She said she liked the single lifestyle. She lived with her mom in between times as well. She did mention she once previously lived with a man, but after about two or three months she moved out because she "said" that she found out he had money issues, almost declaring bankruptcy and she couldn't take it.

I also wonder back sometimes because she was able to hid her drinking from me when she lived alone, and I always seemed to come up there on the nights I didn't have my kids. So it was our little place. Heck after dating a month and a half, maybe two months, she gave me a key to her apartment. I joked that her place was my "second place".  Some nights I just lay in bed and feel so lonely. In the seven months we lived together there were only two nights that she slept on the futon and night in bed next to me. Most times, even if she was upset, or maybe a little too much to drink, we still slept in the same bed. She was a morning person, I was a night person. A lot of time I'd lay with her for a little bit while she fell asleep then watch a little tv and come back to bed. She always woke up enough to notice when I came to bed, and she would ask me, "Can I spoon you" I loved when she spooned me. I would trade anything right now for another night of that. Not the sex, but being spooned by her. Previously to her I always dated shorter women. I'm 6'1 my ex is 5'10. Maybe it was her longer torso but I lived for being spooned by her! The way our legs would intertwine.

I actually get anxious now when I think I won't have that for a long time. I promised my kids that when I get set back up on my feet I'll have my own place, and probably won't date for awhile. My daughter fell in love with my ex, and this breakup has been like another divorce for her. I don't see myself living with another woman for a long time, and that really breaks my heart. I'm the type of person that enjoys the family dynamic, living with my love, more than being the "bachelor" type of person.

Being that it's late at night, now the mind movies start. The questions of are her and him toghether tonight? Heck when we would visit her mom's house, my ex and I would be able to fall asleep in her old room. There was a twin mattress lying on the ground, and we would spoon on that together. God I miss those moments.

Why does it have to be so hard, those memories still so real and true to me and they were like a vanishing picture to her? Why couldn't she be normal and fight through that. Why was I so disposable at the end, as if letting me go, letting me move out, not be willing to say goodbye to my kids, kids she loved. As if she just had to change the trash and I was out with it?

Why do I still love this woman?

I feel like no other man will love her to the depths that I did? What special things I did for her, how I wanted to show my love and just be her best friend. Maybe I'll never have that again?

[Turkish]

Intimacy is a trigger for pwBPD. Her boundary may be keeping the other guy physic all distant because that's what she can handle for now. It is probably a way to cope without being triggered (for now).

[confusedinWI]

Intimacy is a trigger for pwBPD. Her boundary may be keeping the other guy physic all distant because that's what she can handle for now. It is probably a way to cope without being triggered (for now).

Keeping the other guy physically distant? Interesting. The new man lives 1 1/2 hr away from her. I found that ironic because when we weren't living together we lived about thirty minutes apart, even when we lived together she complained she didn't get to see me enough because of my retail schedule. Maybe that explains a little more, not that it matters.

UGH I was with my ex wife for eleven years, and that break up didn't seem to mess me up as much as this one of two years did.

I wish I could have one more normal night... .not even sex... .just the lying around, rubbing each other's back, and then laying next to each other.

[Turkish]

I miss the peaceful times, too... .

[confusedinWI]

How long have you been away from your ex? Turkish I miss her so much... .but I could never go back, not with what my kids went through. Sometimes I wonder if maybe we hadn't lived together, maybe if I didn't have kids and I was single... .I question my sanity sometimes. I see the examples of BPD. I know she has issues with Drinking. It was hidden when we lived apart.

I just hurt it didn't work out... .I worry that I won't find anyone again in the future.

Will there be someone out there that understands my divorced dynamics of being a father.

Will someone find me as attractive, am I loveble or was it all just a charade?

[Turkish]

She moved out early last Feb after 4 months of pretty much throwing her juvenile r/s in my face before she moved, with me periodically almost begging her to leave to not further damage what was left of a friendship. I was, and maybe still am, angrier than you.

Think of it this way: you didn't just want to casually date, you wanted a deep, intimate, reciprocal r/s. She seemed to for a time until the reality of what that entailed triggered her. The substance abuse, an unhealthy coping mechansim which had nothing to do with you, added another unhealthy dynamic.

Mine was almost 11 years younger than me. My T said, "next time, choose someone your own age." He also said, "someone closer to your age is likely, like you, to have wounds. Be prepared for that."

I also struggle with similar thoughts... .What I struggle with is,."did she love me, or did she need me?" At this point, does it matter? It probably does for you right now because it's still fresh. Asking these questions of yourself is part of detachment.

[confusedinWI]

Think of it this way: you didn't just want to casually date, you wanted a deep, intimate, reciprocal r/s. She seemed to for a time until the reality of what that entailed triggered her. The substance abuse, an unhealthy coping mechansim which had nothing to do with you, added another unhealthy dynamic.

You got that right, I don't want just the casual date. I waited three months before I even introduced my kids to her. I wanted to make sure it was serious. I wanted to grow old together relationship. Still makes me cry every night like right now. I can't stand the lonliness.

I also struggle with similar thoughts... .What I struggle with is,."did she love me, or did she need me?" At this point, does it matter? It probably does for you right now because it's still fresh. Asking these questions of yourself is part of detachment. [/quote]
I know that there were moments of love, but I also know it was unbalanced. I loved more. I know it's a disorder, they don't know how to love like a healthy adult. My brain says that. Right now my heart is screaming, you fool... .go win her back. Show her that it can work out. But then I see the images of my children. I could never put them through that again. It would kill me. I'd be the worse dad. I already feel like I'm a horrible dad as it is.

Growing up all I wanted was to be a family man. I never wanted that bachelor lifestyle. I wanted to spend the evenings in with the one I love. Watch a movie, talk, play cards, snuggle, whatever. Now I wonder if I'll ever have that. It just really hurts me so bad. She could be so supportive of the struggles I had with my ex wife, going back to school, right now I miss how she would even say my full name.

Ugh is there such a thing as healthy love?

[clydegriffith]

Yes, i lived with the BPDx and her craziness became much more obvious as soon as we moved in together because i guess she just figured "i've got him now". This is when the big shift occurred. Prior to moving in she would move heaven and earth to please me in any and every way possible. After moving in together absolutley everything became about her.

[confusedinWI]

Yes, i lived with the BPDx and her craziness became much more obvious as soon as we moved in together because i guess she just figured "i've got him now". This is when the big shift occurred. Prior to moving in she would move heaven and earth to please me in any and every way possible. After moving in together absolutley everything became about her.

Thats how it felt with me and her before moving in she seemed to do anything for me afterwards I started noticing things

[valet]

I lived with my ex from June 2013 - September 2013, and then from March 2014 - May 2014, and then again from July 2014 - October 2014. So about 11 months in total. We were long distance between the first and second and then again between the second and third. I had visited her in the place that she was living for 3 months.

We came back to that same place in September 2014, and then I found my own place in October 2014 because I wanted to give her space, and also enjoy the new city that I was living in (I didn't end up actually enjoying it despite the new living situation, cause I was constantly worried about her depression, and also quite a bit paranoid that she was cheating on me).

I think that the rapid succession of being extremely close and then extremely far apart definitely accelerated her devaluation of me. It was a bad decision, in hindsight, to try and make those situations work, but I'm kind of glad that it happened that way. Had it not, I'm sure that the relationship probably would have carried on for much, much longer, and I would have found myself in a much less advantageous setting than I am in now.

Strangely, the change in distance never bothered me. It seemed that her behavior when put in these situations was odd (I'd ask myself, 'why am I so cool with these changes in spacial intimacy, and why is she apparently not?', but I just figured that it'd somehow 'get better', which it never did. I always wondered about this before I found these forums, but it has given me reassurance that I really am not as bad off as I thought I was (for a while there I almost genuinely believed that I had BPD, or severe anxiety disorders, or that I was not a somewhat emotionally healthy individual).

[confusedinWI]

For as much as I had to walk on eggshells around her when we lived together, I will always cherish the good moments too. I worked retail at that time so many of the nights when I'd come home she would've waited to have dinner until I got home , and we'd cook together.

Or just lounging around together. There is something different about living with someone, as opposed to packing an overnight bag and then spending the night knowing you have to leave the next day.

At the end it was really bad because some nights I'd be afraid to come home, not knowing what might set her off. If I did something wrong, she would go from extremely happy to extremely upset. Or the anger outbursts, the silent treatment. I hated the silent treatment. Sometimes I feel like I suffer PTSD from this break up, that I won't know how to respond to normal disagreements with a woman in the future, that I will just jump off the deep end from the trauma I went through with my ex.

I'm excited to move out of my parents and get my own place, but nervous because it will be the first time in my adult life I've lived completely on my own (well I'll have my kids a few nights a week) but you know what I mean. I loved her companionship when things were good, but I didn't like the slamming of the bedroom door and hear drinking to deal with stuff, or the way she would ignore me or belittle me when she was mad, and not deal with things in an adult way.

This is not the type of relationship I would ever wish upon my kids, so why is it even after being broke up almost three months, not seeing her in two months, knowing she went from threatening suicide to dating someone else in two weeks, why is it after all the red flags I see that I still doubt my potential in the future?

[LeonVa]

I definitely agrees with some people here in regards to moving in together accelerated the demise.

My ex-wife and I dated for a year while my older sister still lived in my house, rented two rooms from me.   After my sis left to work abroad, that was when my ex-wife fully moved in, started to renovate the house, the yard, the kitchen, the hardwood floor, etc. 7 month later, we got married.  My house became officially hers, something I realized only later.

My sister came back for a job conference 5 month after we got married (so about a year after she moved abroad) and stayed at my house for 3 days. The night before she was about to depart, my wife threw a huge fit, smashed things and everything while my sis was trying to catch a good night sleep before the early flight the next morning.  The reason? My sister had to use the dryer, and there were some of my ex-wife's cloth inside, no basket around, so my sister temporarily placed her cloth on top of a chair next to the dryer.

After that incident, I started to realize (still weren't clear though) that there are some serious issues here, never seen her being physically violent like that before, but I brushed off since my sis isn't likely to return after that anyway... . ignored a red flag.

This smash things happened again and again later.  

[confusedinWI]

Oh I had the smashing incidents as well. One Thursday morning I had off, wasn't supposed to get my children until after school. My ex gf took the day off so we could hang out. I get a call from my ex wife saying my daughter wasn't feeling good and might need to come home from school.

I tell my ex gf this just to give her a heads up that we might have to cut plans short if my daughter is sick and needs to be picked up early, she went ballistic how she never gets to have plans with me. Took some sort of heavy decorate object in the bathroom and threw it down on the counter. Broke off half the vanity. Completely took me by surprise and she half apologized for it later, but it was still her that was the victim.

Then another night after she had been drinking we get into some fight about something that was making her mad, I finally had enough went to the bedroom. I heard a loud bang crash sound. Come out asking her what it was and she said must've been the neighbors upstairs.  Next morning I come out to find she had thrown one of the remotes against the wall and broke it. Didn't even acknowledge it. Mind you the kids had been sleeping in the next room when this all happened.

These are things I have to remind myself when I "miss" her or get mad that she's with the new man. This behavior wil come out again.

[LeonVa]

@confusedinWI,  yep.  There were a lot of good memories, no doubt about it, but I just can't shake off these violent episodes + calling police in my case (falsely alleged too), so yeah, the bad outweighs the good by a huge margin.

I really pity the next guy once they start to get serious and move in together,  Disneyland it isn't.  Roller coaster is the only one in town for him. hahah.

[clydegriffith]

Yes, smashing incidents are all too common. One of the very first days after moving in the BPDx threw 2 glass beer bottles in my direction because she was upset i was leaving the house for a little while. Luckily she missed but i should have seen the writing on the wall. The blow ups and behavior in general just got worse and in retrospect, throwing the two beer bottles at me was a very tame incident compared to what was to follow.