When will the bad dreams end?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My uBPD mother passed away of a stroke on May 1, 2009.  Since then I have been emotionally healthier than I have ever been in my life.

But the dreams.  She visits me in dreams where I have no defenses.  I have awoken from these dreams drowning in tears and gasping for breath.  I wish I could have a dream (if I must dream about her at all) in which she was either a neutral presence or a positive one.  I do have good memories of her, mostly from my younger years, but I was generally terrified of her once I was grown... .terrified about never knowing what was going to come out of her mouth or of what I was going to be accused of doing "this time". 

She has visited (lucky me) twice in the last week.  Last night she was laughing at me because I was crying for the loss of my grandmother.  The feelings I have in these dreams are panic, anxiety, and a desperation to get away.

I could really use some words of wisdom from you, my friends.

[nursedaughter]

My uBPD mother passed away of a stroke on May 1, 2009.  Since then I have been emotionally healthier than I have ever been in my life.

But the dreams.  She visits me in dreams where I have no defenses.  I have awoken from these dreams drowning in tears and gasping for breath.  I wish I could have a dream (if I must dream about her at all) in which she was either a neutral presence or a positive one.  I do have good memories of her, mostly from my younger years, but I was generally terrified of her once I was grown... .terrified about never knowing what was going to come out of her mouth or of what I was going to be accused of doing "this time". 

She has visited (lucky me) twice in the last week.  Last night she was laughing at me because I was crying for the loss of my grandmother.  The feelings I have in these dreams are panic, anxiety, and a desperation to get away.

I could really use some words of wisdom from you, my friends.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Perhaps it relates to the anniversary of your mom's death.  It might be on more of a subconscious level that you are thinking about your mom. 

You could do some journaling about it. Lash back at your mom for what happened in the dream or say something you would have liked to say to her in the most recent dream.  Have you had thoughts of your mother during waking hours? 

Naughty

[Kwamina]

Hi nursedaughter ,

Welcome back, been a long time since you were last here

I am sorry for the circumstances that have caused you to return though. Dealing with those kinds of dreams isn't easy. I think Naughty Nibbler raises a very good point about the latest dreams being related to the anniversary of your mother's death. Do you notice a pattern in the occurrence of these dreams? Are there certain times of the year that the frequency or intensity of the dreams seems to increase? Are there perhaps certain events that seem to trigger these dreams in you?

You say she visits you in your dreams where you have no defenses. How did your mother make you feel when she was still alive? You mention being generally terrified of her when you were grown. Did she then also make you feel as if you had no defenses? Looking back would you say you were able to set and enforce boundaries with your mother?

In your last dream your mother was laughing at you because you were crying for the loss of your grandmother. Was laughing at your expressions of emotion something your mother also did when she was still alive?

Take care

[going places]

My uBPD mother passed away of a stroke on May 1, 2009.  Since then I have been emotionally healthier than I have ever been in my life.

But the dreams.  She visits me in dreams where I have no defenses.  I have awoken from these dreams drowning in tears and gasping for breath.  I wish I could have a dream (if I must dream about her at all) in which she was either a neutral presence or a positive one.  I do have good memories of her, mostly from my younger years, but I was generally terrified of her once I was grown... .terrified about never knowing what was going to come out of her mouth or of what I was going to be accused of doing "this time". 

She has visited (lucky me) twice in the last week.  Last night she was laughing at me because I was crying for the loss of my grandmother.  The feelings I have in these dreams are panic, anxiety, and a desperation to get away.

I could really use some words of wisdom from you, my friends.

For me, I prayed for the Lord to protect my mind while I slept.

I focused on positive things before I went to bed, sometimes read Scripture.

That helped... .a lot.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, nursedaughter,

Your dreams sound really distressing. I'm interested in hearing your responses to the questions already posed here. I'm also curious how frequent these dreams are.

I have been visited in dreams by people who have departed this life, and it is not the same experience as just having a dream about someone who has passed on. For instance, dreams about people I know (or knew) work a lot like other dreams; my subconscious mind is usually trying to bring my awareness to some aspect of myself. These other people may represent a feeling or even one of my own traits. Perhaps I am anxious, or need to work on speaking authentically in my waking life, or need to grieve or let go of something. On the other hand, visitations--which are not a common everyday thing for me by any means--feel much more like an actual heart-to-heart meeting, the kind I might experience in prayer or sitting with a friend. There is a level of "knowing" that it is the actual essence of a particular person rather than just an idea of them or a feeling associated with them. In my experience, if there is a message it is directly communicated rather than symbolically inferred. So far, they have not been scary experiences.

I think what I am wondering in your situation is which of these is happening. Your dreams and the level of panic you are describing sound very much like the kind of nightmares I used to have when I was really struggling with PTSD. I would have dreams (many of which involved my BPDm) that I was trapped or being chased and couldn't run or scream. I would try and try until I literally woke up screaming or kicking. This would happen every single night. Not fun for me or for the other people trying to sleep in my house (and my bed)! As I went through therapy, these nightmares stopped. My first therapist was actually into dream stuff and encouraged me to try taking some control in my dreams. Maybe not that easy for everyone to do, especially at first, but possible. Like maybe you can decide ahead of time what you are going to do or say if you encounter a situation in a dream, even something like just acknowledging it is a dream. One bad dream I still have from time to time is that I am trying to call 911 and the phone never dials right. But nowadays instead of feeling panic, I kind of laugh at it a little, like, "Oh, this phone isn't working, I'm obviously dreaming again, so I don't need to worry." In your case you might be able to say, "Oh, look, there's my mother again, I'm obviously dreaming. She can't hurt me." You could also practice saying the other kinds of things you have wished you could say to her such as, "Leave me alone," or "That is not how to talk to me," etc. Additionally, you can have an action that you determine ahead of time to help you transition into another dream, such as opening a door to a new room or erasing what is in front of you. There are lots of things you could try. Most of all, remember that you are in charge even in your dream state. To me, it sounds like your dreams are trying to help you work through some of your childhood trauma and feelings of helplessness so that you can feel secure. Have you ever talked about these dreams with a therapist?

On the other hand, if you feel this is actually the spirit of your mother rather than a dream about your mother, therapy will probably still help you but I would also suggest talking with your spiritual adviser. In addition to your personal prayers for safety or protection, you might also be able to try telling your mother before you go to bed that she is not welcome to visit you any more. Something along the lines of, "Mom, I'm going to sleep now, and I want you to leave me alone. Stop visiting me." You can do that awake or asleep. I make the sign of the cross before I go to bed and while I am dreaming if anything is particularly spooky. I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, but most religions have some kind of cleansing/protective ritual so you might try one that feels good to you.

Again, personally, I get the sense that what is going on is that you are dreaming about your mother and working through your feelings from that relationship; still I don't want to discount what you are saying when you call it a "visit" because I know it can happen, and you would know your own experience better than I would. I hope this helps.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[ShieldsUp12]

Hi nursesdaughter. I have been having dreams about my FOO for years, just about every single night. In some of my dreams, they are rather benign people, so when I wake up, it's maddening. There are times in the dream where they start out benign and go into full dysfunction mode, and I feel trapped and terrified. The dreams were disturbing. And one night, I got really fed up and decided to tell my subconscious, before sleeping, that if I saw them again, I was going to punch them in the face.   That night, for the first time in I don't know how long, I didn't dream about them at all. I know, it sounds really bad to say that, but they are only dreams, not real people, so my threatening to punch them in the face isn't that bad, really.

I had also decided to go to T, and really, seriously start talking out all the messed up stuff I was told to not talk about for years. All the stuff I hid because it would make them look bad. And since starting, I have only had one dream about them, but it was great, because I took control of the situation in the dream and it worked out really well for me (no punching!).

Maybe you need to actually speak to someone about your situation? It seems for me the actual act of making the words come out of my mouth, really putting the truth out there and not making excuses for them - or me - anymore, and having someone verbally tell me that they understand what I've been through has been enormously helpful.