When a parent is seriously ill

[Woolspinner2000]

My life has been too full these past few months. Issues with my DH have consumed much of my mental energy, often triggering my fight or flight on a pretty much constant level. I was having trouble driving many days, probably due to adrenalin causing my brain to be very foggy. As soon as that began to let up, my dad was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Then 10 days later my aunt (his sister) had a major heart attack.  She survived but has lost much heart function.

Finally starting to feel like I'm settling a bit. Not settled, but there's a certain amount of relief and a sense of some stability coming back inside of me. There are times we just survive, which I know all of you are so well aware of. I hate the fogginess and numbness in my brain, and of course my lack of stamina to not be triggered by events that remind me so of my childhood with my uBPDm.  Although I've gotten much better since I've been in T, several times a week I am triggered by my DH who has many similar characteristics to my uBPDm. I'm able to put up some boundaries now which is a huge improvement.

My dad was always the parent that was so much more reachable for me, but no, he never defended us or protected us from our mom. There are issues concerning him that I will need to explore yet, such as the physical abuse (he used the belt on us and would hit my mom and beat the animals on the farm-that's as much as I can remember so far). He's not nearly the same person that he was while I was growing up, yet in many ways he is. I do well with him overall, more so than my siblings do.  I've spent some productive time in the past year or two speaking with him about my mom and some of our issues while growing up. Very typical of the spouse of a BPD, he was totally unaware of much of it because he avoided the house as much as possible. He was a farmer and spent long days in the fields. He's been willing to own some things, but not very validating in other areas. He says, "This is how it was then. We didn't have the access to counseling and psychology books like you do today."

However, all that being said, here I am in this time when he is beginning his treatment for the NHL, and I find myself having varying emotions, or sometimes a lack of them. There are times when I'm scared of losing him, scared to go visit him and see his vulnerability, yet at the same time, I have this sense of detachment from it all. I can understand the fear, but I'm puzzled by the detachment. Could it have anything to do with times in my childhood where I struggled to attach to either of my parents? Isn't that a normal issue that children of BPDs have to deal with? Any thoughts you all may have? This is a new area for me to think about, attachment and my lack thereof. It causes me to question what it is to love a parent. Does it mean we have to have strong feelings for them of care and concern? I do have that for my dad, but the strongest feeling I have/had for my uBPDm was fear. That was much stronger than anything else always, yet I've assumed that I loved her all this time. It certainly is an interesting thought path to go down.

Thanks,

Wools

[Naughty Nibbler]

WOOLS:

I only have time for a short note now. I'll come back tomorrow when I can use my computer.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  I lost both my parents recently - dad in October and Mom in Feb.  They were both in the hospital at the same time at one point.

My parents were 92, so not much info available about psych. issues in their day as well. I'll share some thoughts tomorrow.

Naughty

[Kwamina]

Hi Wools

My life has been too full these past few months. Issues with my DH have consumed much of my mental energy, often triggering my fight or flight on a pretty much constant level. I was having trouble driving many days, probably due to adrenalin causing my brain to be very foggy. As soon as that began to let up, my dad was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Then 10 days later my aunt (his sister) had a major heart attack.  She survived but has lost much heart function.

I can definitely see how all of these difficult things would consume a lot of your energy. I am sorry all these things have been going on. Your aunt survived but unfortunately certain damage has been done to her heart. How is your aunt doing now?

I hate the fogginess and numbness in my brain, and of course my lack of stamina to not be triggered by events that remind me so of my childhood with my uBPDm.  Although I've gotten much better since I've been in T, several times a week I am triggered by my DH who has many similar characteristics to my uBPDm. I'm able to put up some boundaries now which is a huge improvement.

Getting triggered by certain events is something I think many of us here can relate to. What characteristics do you feel your DH shares with your uBPDm? Which behaviors of him do you find triggering? It's good that you're working with a T to help you with these things and I am happy that you feel you've gotten much better at handling these triggers

There are issues concerning him that I will need to explore yet, such as the physical abuse (he used the belt on us and would hit my mom and beat the animals on the farm-that's as much as I can remember so far). He's not nearly the same person that he was while I was growing up, yet in many ways he is. I do well with him overall, more so than my siblings do.  I've spent some productive time in the past year or two speaking with him about my mom and some of our issues while growing up.

Though I'm glad you've been better able to communicate with your father, I understand why you say there are certain issues you need to explore further. That must have been very difficult for you as a child being physically abused like that and also witnessing your mother and the farm animals being abused. How did it make you feel when he did those things? And what went through your mind when you saw your mother and those farm animals being abused by your father?

Very typical of the spouse of a BPD, he was totally unaware of much of it because he avoided the house as much as possible. He was a farmer and spent long days in the fields. He's been willing to own some things, but not very validating in other areas. He says, "This is how it was then. We didn't have the access to counseling and psychology books like you do today."

Do you feel like your father was really unaware of much of it or more that he was in denial and/or chose to look the other way? You specifically mention him avoiding the house as much as possible. If this avoidance was an active and conscious act, that could suggest that he was perhaps more aware of what was going on than he's been willing or able to acknowledge. Do you perhaps feel that his avoidance was also a result of him not being able to deal with was going on?

However, all that being said, here I am in this time when he is beginning his treatment for the NHL, and I find myself having varying emotions, or sometimes a lack of them. There are times when I'm scared of losing him, scared to go visit him and see his vulnerability, yet at the same time, I have this sense of detachment from it all. I can understand the fear, but I'm puzzled by the detachment. Could it have anything to do with times in my childhood where I struggled to attach to either of my parents? Isn't that a normal issue that children of BPDs have to deal with? Any thoughts you all may have? This is a new area for me to think about, attachment and my lack thereof. It causes me to question what it is to love a parent. Does it mean we have to have strong feelings for them of care and concern? I do have that for my dad, but the strongest feeling I have/had for my uBPDm was fear. That was much stronger than anything else always, yet I've assumed that I loved her all this time. It certainly is an interesting thought path to go down.

When you have BPD and/or abusive parents, attachments can be a dangerous, scary and confusing thing. This is also often true for expressions of love and affection. The attachments we had with our parents can often be classified as insecure, unsafe or disorganized. When you were a child, were you able or allowed to give expression to your feelings of love and affection? Did it feel safe to express yourself and/or did the bond with your parents feel safe/secure?

Take care

[HappyChappy]

There are times when I'm scared of losing him, scared to go visit him and see his vulnerability, yet at the same time, I have this sense of detachment from it all. I can understand the fear, but I'm puzzled by the detachment.

Wool spinner,

Sorry to hear about your quandary and the ill health of your farther. But the way you feel all sounds about right to me. I have a BPDm and passive father, who’s now very ill. The detachment or numbness, for me, is like an emotional anaesthetic. I believe we children of BPD will have more unresolved issues with our parents than most. At times of impending death, I guess we would like to resolve them. So your attachment theory sounds applicable.

A BPD family is glued together with plenty of denial. Don’t know if that applies to you, but on the bight side,  at least your disconnect / numbing  is free and legal  . Peace be with you.

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you for the responses and thoughts! I had to smile at HappyChappy's comment:

on the bight side,  at least your disconnect / numbing  is free and legal  .

Too true! I well remember when my uBPDm was ill and dying in the hospital, only a few days after her cancer Dx, that I said to myself, "You can do this. You well know how to school those emotions. You've done it all your life; you'll be able to do it again for these few days when she's dying." That's what got me through to the end of her life. In those last few hours, I freely chose to love her as much as I could. I'd been in T long enough by then to know that she was who she was and she was never going to change.  I suppose what I offered her was no different than all of those childhood years, when we each offered our best to our pwBPD, hoping for love. At this last time with her, I had the knowledge that she wouldn't ever be able to love me the way a child needs.  I didn't sit with her to the very end like my sister did, who said that mom gave us everything. Well... .in one sense that's correct because she gave us everything unhealthy!   I allowed myself to be absent at the very end because that was what I needed. Like HappyChappy said,

The detachment or numbness, for me, is like an emotional anaesthetic.

Kwamina, you asked about my aunt. She is doing fairly well, currently in cardio rehab as they try to gain back some heart function. She only had about 25% heart function after, but now she can walk around the grocery store on her own. Some little things we take so for granted!

To answer a few of your questions Kwamina, my DH shares the characteristic of being controlling along with my uBPDm. That would be the most common and the one which is most triggering for me. In and of itself, needing to follow the 'rules' he sets up (which he would never say are rules, yet our children and I understand quite differently) causes me to feel like I'm walking on pins and needles or 'eggshells' as we say around here. However, he doesn't follow the same rules for himself. Another similar characteristic with my uBPDm is that someone else is always to blame; thus never accepting personal responsibility. The negativity of his mental merry-go-round in addition to silent sulleness, like my uBPDm, is quite triggering for me and sends me off into the never ending world of 'what did I do wrong this time?'  Fortunately with the help of my T, I'm learning to not go to the place of needing to figure out what he's thinking of all the time, nor do I go to him so much for my sense of self-worth. I'm learning to find healthy emotional connections in friends and co-workers that are safe for me to relate to. What a path of hard work that has been, to let go of being so dependent on DH. When I was young and married him, unknowingly I chose someone with the traits I was comfortable with and identified as what was 'loving.' Tough lesson to learn now that I'm understanding and healing, yet finding some freedom even in the midst is lovely.

About my dad abusing us, I don't remember hardly any of the physical abuse towards me or my brother, but my brother told me I was there with him when we got the belt. I imagine some of that may come back to my memory as I heal, but I have only one shadowy memory right now. I recall my uBPDm being the one who would call my dad up from the barn to come and 'take care of us' (my brother and I). How did I feel? Scared, so very alone, and like no one cared. We had no way out of it, my brother and I. When I saw and heard my mom being hit, let's just say that the tapes still play in my mind. The verbal abuse my uBPDm handed out was second to none, and my dad would hit her to make her be quiet. A never ending cycle of dysfunction. It was scary, and sometimes I would stand in the middle of them, trying to make them stop. How dangerous, but I didn't think of myself at all, even as a little girl. The animals being hurt caused my heart to hurt with sadness and grief, and I was terrified at the wrath pouring out from him, knowing it was stored inside of him, and I thot it best to never get on his bad side. So I worked at being perfect.

I appreciate your questions wondering if he "was really unaware or was he in denial and/or chose to look the other way?" I think there were some things he was unaware of such as uBPDm shutting me in the laundry room to do my chores or all the work hours she put on me. But he was aware enough that he enabled her, coming to her aid for example when she'd call and tell him we were bad. He never doubted her side of the story, just punished us. I think he was unable to handle the situation with her and that is probably why he avoided the house. He never knew what mood she'd be in or what would trigger her. Last summer he said he'd thot often of divorce, nearly every day, every time he went back and forth on the tractor from one end of the field to the other, but he always thot of us kids. Well he sure didn't show us that we made much difference in the marriage.

No, I was not able to give expression to my feelings as a child. They were stomped out right away, and I believed I was so selfish to have them. How inconsiderate of me to think of myself, right? Slowly that is shifting inside of me through T. It wasn't safe to express any feelings unless they bolstered my uBPDm and made her feel good. Sometimes I couldn't even get that right! Often it was safest to remain quiet, but then her emotional incest would kick in, needing, no, demanding to know my thoughts. There was no security at all. We never knew when one parent would load us up in the car to leave and not come back, or the other parent would just drive off into the night never to be seen again. They always came back though, and the cycle continued until I was 19 and my mom divorced my dad. I guess in that case, it was all you mentioned: unsafe, insecure, and disorganized. Quite a basketful!

Naughty Nibbler, I look forward to hearing your ideas! Do post when you have time. 

Kwamina and Happy, how are you both doing BTW? You are so kind to pop in and respond, yet I know you both have similar things in your own lives. It takes a lot to give and share, and I appreciate your thoughts always. 

Wools

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Wools:

Gosh, think my situation is nothing compared to yours. My dad didn't physically abuse any of us or animals, but emotional abuse can be damaging in of itself.

Sometimes, I think my mom was a saint to stay married to him. He was critical, controlling and quick to anger.  I was always shy and thereby afraid of him when I was young. I didn't invite friends over, as I would be embarrassed.

A few years ago, we had to beg my dad to go on an antidepressant.  He was so anxious, he was pacing the floor. it took some trial and errors to get a pill he could tolerate enough to get through side effects and stay with it for awhile.  We noticed improvement in him when he took Lexapro, but he quit taking the pills from time to time.

I'm not sure what all my dad's issues were or what a psychiatrist would say. He had anger management issues.  I, also, remember the verbal fights my parents had. WOW, my parents used to do their own taxes and there was always a lot of yelling.  I vividly remember one time my mom packed a suitcase, said she was leaving and drove away. She came back, but I was devastated.  My parents would go a week or two without talking, because my dad got angry about something.

A couple of years ago, I came to the rationalization that my dad likely had a chemical imbalance.  I don't know if he would qualify as BPD, but I suspect he has an anxiety disorder, sad, and tendencies toward OCD and ADD. I thought the same thing your dad mentioned. In their day, mental issues and chemical imbalances weren't understood as well as they are today. Only rich people went to therapy. So, in light of this, I had to forgive him in my heart.

There were things that my dad said to me that impacted my life in a negative way. Sometimes, I wonder what life would have been like if my mom married someone else. Mom had mentioned that my dad was depressed when she met him.  She thought she could cheer him out of it.

My dad fell and broke his neck in October and passed less than two weeks later at 92. My mom was hospitalized in Sept., never came home and passes in Feb.

What brought me to BP central is my sister.  My sister has been irritable and crabby for a very long time. Luckily, I've been able to avoid conflict with her for many years. When my parent's health began to fail last year, my sister have had to work together and share decisions and it has been a lining hell.

I seem to be her scapegoat.  She can't act the way she does around me with her church friends. After the rage she went into during my presence, I've cutoff personal contact with her and have restricted contact to email only.  When she had her latest rage, she called me a _ing _itch, and proceeded to tell me everything she hated about me.

When my dad fell, it was under my watch. My sister and I were trading off spending the night at my parent's house. I'll forever remember the evening my dad fell. My mom was already hospitalized and my sister had hung up the phone on me in mid conversation earlier (that had become a frequent bad habit of hers) My sister had become a master at jumping to conclusions and virtually arguing with herself. My sister had decided to give me the silent treatment.  While I called for the paramedics, a thought entered my head, "maybe I won't have to spend the night here.  I feel guilty for the thought.

After that day, going to hospitals became almost like a job for the next 6 months. At the time of the 2nd funeral, I had actually become good at designing funeral brochures and photo posters.  Getting along with my sister, I was not getting good at.

I sucked it up with my sister.  The cycle kept repeating with her, until I couldn't take another rage cycle.  I didn't know about BPD at the time, but I started therapy.  After a few sessions, it was suggested that I read the Walking on Eggshells book. Wow, all of the things my sister was doing appeared in the book.  Guess I'm her scapegoat.

[Woolspinner2000]

Thanks Naughty Nibbler for your thoughts and sharing about your situation. Sounds like you have had your hands full for a long time. In the end, it doesn't matter whether my situation is better or worse than yours or anyone else's. It's pain and hardship for each one of us. I'm glad we can all come to this site for encouragement, support and understanding.

My T asked me a question this week that has gotten me to thinking a lot.

"What do you need to hear from your dad before he dies? What is it that when you look back in 10 or 20 years you will have wished to have an answer to or wished to have heard him say to you?" 

I don't know. I'm still thinking about it. Does anyone else know what they would say?

Wools

[Naughty Nibbler]

My T asked me a question this week that has gotten me to thinking a lot.

"What do you need to hear from your dad before he dies? What is it that when you look back in 10 or 20 years you will have wished to have an answer to or wished to have heard him say to you?" 

I don't know. I'm still thinking about it. Does anyone else know what they would say?

Wools

WOOL:

I guess I've learned NOT to need what I can't get.

If I had of been beaten, I'd have liked to have an apology about that.  I think there is a tendency for men to mimic whatever their dad did (my dad lacked this role model).  It would have been interesting to know who else on my dad's side of the family had some mental health issues.  Since my dad's mom was married 3 times, I suspect something was going on with her.  I never refer to her as grandma, as I never met her.

My family never spoke of their feelings, nor were we huggers.  My dad's mom died in a train accident when my father was very young.  My dad was passed around in his family a bit and was primarily raised by an aunt.

Wish I'd had the opportunity to bring out the family photo book one last time and have the opportunity to ask some questions. Since my Dad never shared feelings, I guess I would have expected him to say nothing. 

What about your thought for what you want your father to say?

[Notwendy]

Hi, I am on the staying thread these days, but I saw your post and wanted to write.

My mom has BPD. She is still alive. Several years ago my father got ill and died. He didn't abuse me physically like yours did, but he was very enmeshed/co dependent with mom. Still, he was the only parent that I was attached to.

The dynamics in the family during this time were very stressful. As you can imagine, such a stressor is tough for any family, and in a dysfunctional family, adds to the dysfunction in a major way.

I was touched by your therapists question " what do you want to hear most from your dad"

I wanted his validation, to hear he loved me. I wanted to help, but I had my own family issues and responsibilities. My parents' dysfunction was such that it would have really absorbed all of my energy and attention. I had to have boundaries and that made my parents angry. When I visited- mom- being stressed out- was dysregulating and vebally abusive.

I had to check into my own feelings. I was distraught. I was losing the only parent I felt connected to. However, I could not get emotional support from my parents or anyone connected to them. This was not something they were capable of.

Eventually, I realized that my father loved me, but this time was an extension of all the craziness that was in my family.  I mention this, not from the standpoint of feeling sorry for myself, but to support you if your father can not give you what you want from him at the time, but this doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

I wish you and your father the best, and hope for his recovery. I hope you get from him what you wish, but also I hope you understand that stress+dysfunction can lead to more dysfunction. I wish I could have heard " I love you" from my Dad, but I didn't, and I think of this now, and years from now I will wish I heard him say it.  That question from the T is a good one, but even if I wish it, or you wish it, the choice to say it is up to him.

It was - and still is- a painful memory, however, I have come to see my father as the sum of the whole, a man who loved me, and also was in a complicated relationship. If I have any advice it would be to try to connect as much as you can with your father, not take any anger personally. I hope he says what you want to hear, but even if he can't, believe he loves you.

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you, Notwendy, for your heartfelt reply. I think you make some really good points. I appreciate that you can understand the connection to one parent, like I have, yet at the same time, you came to accept the fact that he could not tell you what you wanted or needed to hear most. That's such a sad, painful thing, but at the same time it is such a testament to the growth and maturity you have experienced in being able to accept it. As you pointed out,

However, I could not get emotional support from my parents or anyone connected to them. This was not something they were capable of.

I'm fortunate in that my dad has been able to regularly and frequently tell me he loves me, something that his father was not able to say to him. Sometimes when I think of 'why' questions that I might like to ask him, I'm already figuring out that they may not have an answer. How many of us wonder why they did what they did, as if that would justify or explain our childhoods and the abuse. Maybe what I'd like to hear is an honest "I'm sorry. We were not good parents" rather than the blame game or pointing fingers to someone else as a justification of their choices.

I hope you get from him what you wish, but also I hope you understand that stress+dysfunction can lead to more dysfunction.

What you said is such a good reminder to me, of what the future may hold. Who knows how he'll respond to the treatment and illness as it progresses? Thank you for the gentle reminder and for popping in to share your thoughts. 

Wools