responding to silent treatment

[livednlearned]

Lately, S13 has been using the silent treatment more with me. The other morning, I called to tell him the time, we had to go, he was going to be late for school. The first two times, I was upstairs and just tapped on his door. That was ok. The third time, I was downstairs, feeling irritated and frustrated, and called loudly.

His dad used the silent treatment, and I noticed that when S13 does it, it hits me the same way, although I have some better skills now and try to get centered.

When we were driving to school, I realized S13 was not talking to me. I said, "Your facial expression and body language tells me you are upset about something. I am not sure what it's about, and I'm here and ready to listen when you want to talk."

Nothing.

I made small talk.

Nothing.

He was not eating, which he once told me he can't do when he's angry. It actually made me realize how true this is. It's actually kinda hard to eat while you're mad and someone else is sitting right there.

So I said, "You are choosing to be quiet, so I will assume that you want to be left alone."

Nothing.

This is one time, there have been others. Part of it might be teen gloominess. We have a good relationship, and he feels he can talk to me.

I'm wondering, though, whether to talk to him when he is not riled up. And to tell him that the silent treatment can feel like abuse. Patricia Evans says this in her book about verbal abuse, that the silent treatment is the most abusive form of verbal abuse because the purpose is to make you feel invisible, to erase you.

I'm also wondering if I'm too triggered up by this new behavior because it's unhealed from my relationship to his uBPD dad?

How have others dealt with silent treatment?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DreamGirl]

Is he upset about something that you know about?

[livednlearned]

Not that I know of... .and I can't see a theme in the times when he slips into this.

It feels like he figured out a new thing and now he's trying it out, and it's powerful. So he's running with it  :'(

[lbjnltx]

Sorry this is happening, it can create a great deal of tension.

I dealt with it like it didn't bother me and my d would usually end it fairly quickly.

I don't think it was as much the "silent treatment" on her part as much as it was "you didn't give me what I want so I'm going to punish you by not talking to you (until I need something else)"

Talking to him about the abusiveness after the fact is a good idea.

lbj

[js friend]

Hi Lnl,

My dd has always  used a lot of passive aggressive behaviour and used the silent treatment a lot as a teenager,and knew the power of using it.On one occasion that I know of dd even went into school crying and complained to her teacher that I hadnt spoken to her the whole weekend which they contacted me to discuss. Later came dds other claims of emotional abuse to the school that they had to investigate before calling in ss... .My belief is that she thought they would remove her from my home... .so yeah dd knew the power of using silent treatment and knew that it can be viewed as abusive( she researches everything!).

Other times dd would say that she had responded if i had called her or asked her a question.She would be adamant she had responded and it was my hearing that was the problem even when a roomful of people hadnt heard her voice or seen her mouth move.

I stilL occasionally get the silent treatment now but in other forms... .ignored texts and calls until she wants something and then my phone rings non stop. A very powerful thing i have learnt on this site is that we cannot change another persons behaviour only how we respond to it. Now when she is giving me the silent treatment I dont plague her with a million questions or keep trying to make conversation. I recognise that she is possibly annoyed or angry and give her space.

It is hard not to get rattled by this behaviour lnl especially if we have enountered it before (My exh also used silent treatment)

but if you have a good relationship with your son maybe you can talk to him about how it makes him and others feel to be ignored.

[livednlearned]

Thanks js friend,

I think I can talk to him about how I feel, or at least tell him the effect that the silent treatment has on people. I know he will interpret it as criticism, so there's that. 

I keep focusing on the advice I've received about modeling the skills I want him to have. All I can compare this to is the burden of hauling around bad feelings -- it doesn't feel good. I'm wondering if it would be more effective to get S13 to focus on that? Why carry all that baggage with someone who loves you and is willing to listen? And I've learned how to be a darn good listener   

By not commenting on it, he'll continue to do it, thinking it's effective. I may not be able to change him, or get him to stop. I do think I can give him something to think about when he's in a silent treatment.

I don't fully understand what's going on when he's doing it.

I think he uses the ST with friends, too.

[thefixermom]

My D38 has used the silent treatment on me a LOT.   This last time, I acted as if I hadn't noticed she was being silent and went about very normal around her, talking to her as if she were answering.  Finally, a week or so later, she said, "I guess you are not noticing why I'm not talking to you so here, I will tell you," and proceeded to unload on me.  I let her vent and then said, a little flippantly, "Yeah, I noticed you were doing that silly 'I'm not talking to you' behavior and decided you can do what you want and I'm not going to let it affect me."   I just came off as if "whatever, that's up to you if you want to be childish."  Boy, she hated that and she slowly but surely started talking to me and hasn't pulled it again. I guess my not trying to draw her out of it caused it to not have the power she had hoped. Because in the past, I would indeed notice it and try to break through. That's what empowered her. No more.  I'm thinking this is a learned behavior for your S13 who picked up on how it has worked for Dad.  You don't want him growing up and pulling this crap on his wife one day. You will be doing her a favor if you can teach him somehow that he's not only very silly and childish when he does this but that it isn't going to work.  When they see us get all hurt and try to help, I think that's when they run with it and do it more.  My experience, anyway. 

[meantcorn34]

My BPDs22 has used the ST on me once in a while. My response is similar to thefixermom's. I continue to talk normally, without directing any questions to him. He will break silence to tell me he's not speaking to me. I reply that it's ok, but I'm still speaking to him. He'll say something like I don't want you to speak to me. I said he can only control his behavior and nobody else's. The ST ends quickly thereafter.

[livednlearned]

fixermom and meantcorn34,

Would the response be different if your kids were younger? For example, if S13 is in a silent treatment, do I tell him dinner is ready and let him keep it up, meanwhile I'm making him dinner? In other words, are you ignoring the silent treatment, and pretending as though it isn't there?

I guess I want to give him a chance to see how the ST comes across, and so explain that people perceive it as abusive. I'm not sure S13 even understands that. Lbjnltx suggested bringing this up with him when he's cooled off, so I'm thinking about how to do that, what to say.

[thefixermom]

In thinking about your question, livednlearned, it occurs to me that your son may be okay that it's abusive because in his mind he thinks you deserve some abuse.  When my D treats me poorly, she likes that it hurts me.  She told my DH once that she is mean to me because it's the only way she can get me to be nice to her. I think she got that from my early days when I would bend over backwards trying to placate her to get her to stop an estrangement.  And, in a way, my D38 is "younger" to me.  I see her as someone with the emotional maturity as a 15 year old when it comes to her interactions with me.  My experience has been that when I try to show my D how it feels to be treated the way she treats me, she just sees that as me being abusive and it does nothing to create an empathetic response in her.  I can't speak for others but for certain this is how she is with me.  She has an amnesia about her abusive treatment toward me.   She could slap me and if I were to slap her back she would not remember her slap, she would only remember mine.  That has not happened. But I am stating it as an example of how she would think.

[meantcorn34]

Yes, I would ignore the st. No tit for tat. Just behave as though nothing is wrong. At the age of 22, I know he does it to try to hurt me. At your son's young age, I would talk with him (after he's back to his usual self) about why he used the st, what he meant to convey and the fact that you had no idea why he was upset. Then ask what other ways he could have used to express his feelings and communicate with you.

When dinner is ready, just announce it and sit down to eat. Talk normally, just don't ask him questions. Give no indication that you are upset or concerned. If his use of st is because of a deficit in skills , you'll teach him as described above. If he is using it to be intentionally abusive, give him no payoff for using it by ignoring it.

Hope that helps.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders