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Author Topic: Dating and moving on...  (Read 476 times)
sbr1050
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 82


« on: May 10, 2015, 06:19:30 AM »

How do you know when you are ready to move on and date?

What sort of traits/behaviors/actions in a potential dating partner to you look for/avoid that indicate BPD tendencies?

I am finding myself judging people immediately and I fear I am not giving them the benefit of my doubt.  Maybe I am just moving too fast with dating. I just don't know - I have days I feel healed enough to get back out there and others I feel I am still not there... .
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newtothis28

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 40


« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2015, 06:23:08 AM »

Just take your time and don't rush.
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sbr1050
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 82


« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2015, 07:35:06 AM »

I keep comparing the potentials to my ex.  I consciously try not to because I know that is unfair and illogical.  But still find myself doing it. How warped is THAT?
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mrwigand
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 147


« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2015, 07:37:44 AM »

That's not warped at all. I think it's perfectly normal to do that for a time after the end of a relationship. In the very least, I've definitely done it myself Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).
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going places
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 835



« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2015, 07:45:11 AM »

sbr, how long were you in the relationship w/ your ex and how long has it been since the end of that relationship?
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sbr1050
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 82


« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2015, 08:04:38 AM »

We were together 18 years.  Split up the beginning of December.  I tried ending the r/s 2 years ago but he would not let me.  I actually felt I had detached from him at that time.  His behavior was so erratic and desperate.  But he got me back with a complete change in his behavior (at least compared to how he was most of the time), promised me things, wanted to make future plans, we started trying to have a baby together.  I pretty much knew it wasn't going to last but allowed myself to go with it.  Things got bad again... .
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peacefulmind
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 132


« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2015, 08:32:54 AM »

How do you know when you are ready to move on and date?

What sort of traits/behaviors/actions in a potential dating partner to you look for/avoid that indicate BPD tendencies?

I am finding myself judging people immediately and I fear I am not giving them the benefit of my doubt.  Maybe I am just moving too fast with dating. I just don't know - I have days I feel healed enough to get back out there and others I feel I am still not there... .

I can only speak from my own experience... .Right after the BU, I wanted to feel good about myself, to feel worthy again, so I decided to allow myself out there with open eyes for potential partners. This was usually when I had a good day (as good as it could be), and I would start thinking to myself "That's a nice person... ." etc. What I didn't expect was the recurrent depression and anxiety about putting myself back out there, which was a definite sign of not being ready. I quickly withdrawed my initial thought of "getting back on the market", and realised I had too much self-awareness to do. It is much alike how pwBPDs are described: "If they don't love themselves, how would they ever be able to love another?". If you're not ready to accept and love yourself for everything you are, and if you're not completely detached yet (which the comparison to ex suggests you're not), then how could you be ready? We all detach differently, some go out and find another person after 3, maybe 6 months and can carry on from there. You have to feel ready (not just a temporary fluke of feeling ready), and once you start seeing people, not in comparison with your ex, but as a new opportunity to find love, then I think you will know that you're ready.

Don't bring your ghosts from the former relationship into a new one, from what I've read that's what can happen if you start dating too soon after a BPD-BU. I, myself, will definitely take my time to dig deeper into my own psyche as soon as I can find time and space for it, and I will try and work on correcting my own issues that lead to me being in such a devastating position as I am right now.

I hope the best for you sbr.
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jhkbuzz
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1639



« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2015, 08:58:00 AM »

We were together 18 years.  Split up the beginning of December.  I tried ending the r/s 2 years ago but he would not let me.  I actually felt I had detached from him at that time.  His behavior was so erratic and desperate.  But he got me back with a complete change in his behavior (at least compared to how he was most of the time), promised me things, wanted to make future plans, we started trying to have a baby together.  I pretty much knew it wasn't going to last but allowed myself to go with it.  Things got bad again... .

I was in an 8 year r/s; we broke up at the beginning of August 2014. About 3 months after that I decided to date - in part because I was feeling the fear that many feel at the end of a long term r/s: ohmigod, I'm never going to meet anyone else; I'll always be alone; maybe I'm not attractive or interesting enough; etc. etc.

The very first night I went out (a meetup for singles) I met someone.  We dated for about two months, but the longer it went on the more I realized that I simply wasn't emotionally ready. I was honest with him about the fact that I had tried to start dating too soon. He understood. We still talk and I see him out from time to time.

After that experience I decided to take a year off of dating and work on me.  I found a therapist as my relationship was ending and it was a lifesaver in terms of processing the horrific pain I was feeling at that time and making sense of the chaos I had just been through. Now that I've done that, I'm working on some personal healing that I probably should have done years ago.  This "year of me" feels good - I don't really want to be involved with anyone until I feel whole and sure of myself emotionally.

That doesn't mean that I don't keep my eyes open, however!   One of the things I'm noticing is that, 9 months post b/u, I am "comparing" people to my ex less and less.  I think it's partly because "time heals," but also because with all the work I've done, I've discarded the somewhat "idealized" view I had of my ex and replaced it with a more realistic version - especially in view of all the events that occurred in our r/s.

I would echo what newtothis28 said earlier:  just take your time and don't rush.
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SWLSR
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 466


« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2015, 09:05:37 AM »

Sbr

Like others i can only speak of me.  I begam dating about six months out of mu marriage.   Non BPD women cam still have issues and i certianly had issues

 so several relationships did not work.  But a breakup with a non is so much different.  I was not stalked the cops were not drug into it.  Some harsh words were said but that was all.  I am four years out of my separation at I am ok.  or atleast as ok as i can be there is still hurt always will be.   But for starting at six months worked.  I was a learning and vrowing experince.
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