Had to break NC, now I'm a mess.

[Achaya]

I found one more piece of equipment that my ex didn't take from my garage. It was worth something so I felt I should text her. I put it off a few hours, and got into an inner argument between the part of me that is desperate to talk to her and the part that is afraid of how I will be rejected and hurt again. I decided I really should text her, and did. Of course I added a line to the business part and said I hoped she was doing ok. She responded only to the business part and ignored the rest, which immediately felt to me like the pull away thing. Then a little later she sent me another text asking how I am. I told her I am really struggling but am hopeful about being able to recover in some time. She responded by telling me how sorry she is, how she will always be sorry.

I experience her apologies as rejections. I did not want or expect to hear her offer me only apologies in place of the love she used to tell me was there. She doesn't seem to understand why her repeated apologies hurt me. I recognized at this point that I was totally emotionally drawn into yearning for an expression of feelings for me that is not forthcoming. This feeling is familiar to me from earlier periods in the relationship, even before the breakup cycles started. It was like I was always straining towards her, trying to get the love I thought was there, and that I feel towards her.

I texted and told her I couldn't handle the conversation and needed to stop. She just said ok. I was doing pretty well today before the texting, now I am upset again and irrational about my ex and the relationship. I need to stay focused on the fact that I do not want to be with anyone who makes me feel the way I am feeling at this moment.

[once removed]

hey achaya,

ive followed some of your other posts and really feel your pain. there isnt a cure, but it may help from another perspective as to why youre feeling it.

this person is a trigger for you. finding stuff, and especially having interaction, is more than likely going to trigger you. if you can accept that, i think you can more easily decide on what contact is necessary and what contact is not beneficial.

" I put it off a few hours, and got into an inner argument between the part of me that is desperate to talk to her and the part that is afraid of how I will be rejected and hurt again."

i think it might help to explore this inner argument in retrospect. youve already done some of that i see, and found it a familiar dynamic. it never hurts to acknowledge what your gut is telling you. i think your gut was at the very least telling you to put it off. you acknowledge that you were desperate to talk to her, and it sounds like the combination of that and the fear of rejection and hurt drove you to contact her, which i understand. i remember peeking at my exes facebook and it was as if the sheer knowledge that there might be something out there that could hurt me was justification to go ahead and get it over with and look. youre already aware of this dynamic though, and thats useful. i dont think contacting her over this was ultimately necessary, and judging by your motivation, i think you partially agree. in the grieving process, rationalization and justification, no matter how logical, can trip us up. the answer isnt necessarily "no contact", you have a unique situation. but as you suggested, one answer is letting go of any expectations that come with necessary or unnecessary contact.

and it also sounds like youre interpreting all of her reactions as rejection. i dont think i need to remind you that there is a disorder at work here. in that sense its less about rejection, and doesnt matter who you are or how you behave. her apologies are not rejections, but i definitely understand why it feels that way. as you say, you dont want to hear apologies in place of the love she used to tell you was there. clinging to the words that were said is one of the "ten beliefs that keep us stuck". balance them with her actions (easier said than done), and you will end up with fewer expectations. i think its reasonable to expect her to have as hard a time, or a hard time at all, with the breakup. but youre dealing with a disorder and by this point you know that. it is simply not that simple.

you show great self awareness throughout your post and it will serve you well. the original point of my reply is that she is a trigger, and that on a very frank level, for now, you can expect to be triggered by her with contact in the immediate future. which is, again, not to suggest you go "NC" but to suggest you lower your expectations. you seem to have for now leaned toward NC, and i suspect for at least a period, that will be useful to you since there seems to be great pain involved in contact. clearing ones head hurts no one.

hang in there.

[Achaya]

Thanks for your response, Once Removed. Everything you say in your post is true for me. The primary struggle for the past couple of weeks has been to stay rational (which is an improvement from the previous two weeks of just trying to survive). When I get triggered, as you say, rationality and realism are the first to go. I am in a better space this morning. Having the contact with my ex yesterday might not have had lasting detrimental effects. I know that NC is not the only path to take in any situation, but as we can see, I do need to define some boundaries in the relationship that work for me. NC offers me the most protection from my own attempts to reconnect with my ex, so I am back with that policy now.

I hope you have a good week, Once Removed. I plan to try to do so also, as well as I can right now. 

[DyingLove]

To this day I still question N/C tactics.

When I feel like contacting the ex, I have turmoil in my head and things just do not feel right.  I want to contact her, but know that I shouldn't. From what I've heard here on the board, I know that nothing good will probably come from it.

I try to look at this logically. Yes logically in an illogical situation with a BPD individual.  I base it on what I would do too.  I figure, she's been with me in the past for 4 years, and something of mine had to rub off on her.  I'm a person that: If I wanted to do something, nothing in this universe would stop me (except God), and I'm sure she has a little of this from me.  I know that I've shared everything: Movie lines, songs, jokes, mannerisms, etc with her and she's got them (sorry I can't take 'em back).  But to get back on track, as much as I've wanted to (and came close to contacting her), I've keep steadfast.  I've got 60 days as of today, and no hard feelings for falling off the wagon.  I do however battle with the painful withdrawl of missing her and wanting her (I still love her to death), but I am 99% sure it won't happen.

If something DOES happen, it's gotta come from her and that is where the "nothing in this universe would stop me" way of thinking comes in.  She can find me, if she wants me, she will find her way back and she will have to make it right. If it's "right", I will take her back. That is the 1% though, unlikely.

So for now, I'll remain N/C, healing slowly, but not regretting my N/C decision.

Achaya, I know your pain.  In 5 minutes, I can change to "I gotta text her", or "I can't take this anymore", my words right now are what I've got.  But I'm trying something today:  I'm keeping POSITIVE.  I'm trying to change everything negative to somehow positive.  You have to be game to try different stuff to get by.  I wanna smile and love again.  I want that woman that is right for me. I want her to show me real love and not an estimate!

So lets reset the timer Achaya, and get back on the wagon my friend, we are all here to support you, and watch you get stronger, time after time.  Cry if you have to because that toxic liquid just gotta flow out of you!

[once removed]

"Having the contact with my ex yesterday might not have had lasting detrimental effects. I know that NC is not the only path to take in any situation, but as we can see, I do need to define some boundaries in the relationship that work for me. NC offers me the most protection from my own attempts to reconnect with my ex, so I am back with that policy now."

i think youre right about it not having lasting detrimental effects. ive read some suggestions that "breaking nc" is like starting from square one. it usually is not. triggering maybe, but as you can see youve felt some bounce back  .

i think in your case you need not see NC as a label, a mindset, or a lifestyle. not saying you are, but my point is, think of it more as choosing to clear your head and not engage in what hasnt worked. takes some pressure off, doesnt it? "I do need to define some boundaries in the relationship that work for me. NC offers me the most protection from my own attempts to reconnect with my ex, so I am back with that policy now."    this is about you.

my point was also that we can use rationale to justify actions that may not be right for us. just for example, when my ex landed with the new guy, i felt i had to do something. maybe even that she wanted me to do something. thank god i didnt. why didnt i? someone told me although i felt a sense of urgency, waiting it out would have no impact on the outcome. it was hard to see at the time but that was the case. there was no outside force that necessitated that i contact her or precluded me from ever contacting her. maybe a clearer example is that while healing i clung to a fantasy happily ever after scenario. my rationale was something like "well look, if its gods plan, its gods plan, its at least possible she will recover and we will be brought back together." i suppose that was literally true. rational even. but a clear illustration of how we can use rationalization in ways that can trip us up.

but that didnt necessarily hurt me in the long run like this contact didnt hurt you in the long run. there are few right or wrong answers in this process. im glad youre feeling better  

[Olivia_D]

Achaya,

I have relieved that there are multiple layers of letting go.  It is similar to peeling an onion and the further you go, the deeper you get to the inner core of it all.

In letting go, my process of grieving is a slow death:

a.   I never really met the “real” person and I am not so sure he has his own identity;

b.   He didn’t communicate with me, he studied and mirrored me;

c.   His words were merely manipulative tools that served him at the time that the words tumbled out of his mouth;

d.   The love that “I” had for him was real but I have quickly realized that he may not be capable of feeling love.

e.   I have learned that if someone is incapable of bonding, it is easy for them to simply flip the switch to the off position and discard you as-if you are a broken toy.

f.   I have learned that genuine guilt and remorse require a conscience and I am not so sure that he has one;

g.   I have learned that empathy is something that you feel, something that can’t really be put into words, it is that warmth in your heart and soul that draws out compassion for another human being—trite phrases and pre-recorded messages of when “X” happens, I should say “Y” is something to watch out for.

h.   I am grieving the “illusion” of what I “thought” he was and not what he truly was. 

i.   I am trying to honor the fact that I have the capacity to love, bond, empathize, nurture, support, and be present in a relationship.

j.   I am realizing that a person’s inability to love, bond, empathize, nurture, support, be authentic and genuine, is their issue and has no reflection of who I am as a person.  Their inability to do so doesn’t turn me into any less of a loving person, it simply sheds light on their issues or shortcomings.

k.   I am learning that I need to fully disconnect myself from his prior words, his promises, his “false” persona as it was like a mirage in a desert.  I have to remind myself that I did my best to love someone unconditionally.

l.   I have to let go of him suddenly getting it.  I have to let go of him returning to his false persona as I know too much, I have seen behind the mask and his risk of exposure and his ability to engage in an honest adult reciprocal relationship doesn’t exist.  I have realized that he doesn’t much care for what’s behind his mask which is why he wears it.

m.   I have to relieve that I cannot expect healthy closure from an unhealthy person.  I cannot expect the measure of honesty or connectedness that is required to even say a mature goodbye from someone who cannot be honest with themselves and who has spent a lifetime disconnecting from other human beings.

n.   I have to realize that he is an expert at walking away without a care as it is a lifelong pattern that has nothing to do with me.

[Achaya]

To this day I still question N/C tactics.

When I feel like contacting the ex, I have turmoil in my head and things just do not feel right.  I want to contact her, but know that I shouldn't. From what I've heard here on the board, I know that nothing good will probably come from it.

If something DOES happen, it's gotta come from her and that is where the "nothing in this universe would stop me" way of thinking comes in.  She can find me, if she wants me, she will find her way back and she will have to make it right. If it's "right", I will take her back. That is the 1% though, unlikely.

So for now, I'll remain N/C, healing slowly, but not regretting my N/C decision.

Achaya, I know your pain.  In 5 minutes, I can change to "I gotta text her", or "I can't take this anymore", my words right now are what I've got.  But I'm trying something today:  I'm keeping POSITIVE.  I'm trying to change everything negative to somehow positive.  You have to be game to try different stuff to get by.  I wanna smile and love again.  I want that woman that is right for me. I want her to show me real love and not an estimate!

So lets reset the timer Achaya, and get back on the wagon my friend, we are all here to support you, and watch you get stronger, time after time.  Cry if you have to because that toxic liquid just gotta flow out of you!

Thanks DL. I am trying new things too, every day. Seems like a lot of things help a little bit and nothing helps a lot yet, but an accumulation of little things does help. I have just begun to be able to think of a positive future, even another relationship. I am not far along enough to really get into that, but at least I am getting better at stopping the doom and gloom predictions about what will be. After all, I was wrong about my hopeful expectations for my last relationship, why should I believe all the negative stuff I tell myself about the future?