Accepting that crazy is the norm - even thought its crazy

[caughtnreleased]

So... .I know my mom is crazy.  But every time she acts crazy, I'm still shocked, hurt and upset.  Although the time it takes for me to recover from each incident, and the degree to which it affects me, are diminishing exponentially as I move forward with my life.  The latest incident: My mother has been giving me the silent treatment for a month now, ever since I asked her to stop giving me guilt trips.  I heard from her recently. A very alarming message: a friend of the family had an accident and was near death.  She finally called me, to tell me the situation, which is indeed very grave. After discussing the situation for a while, I then took the opportunity to ask her why she had ignored my recent emails.  She at first tried the "I didn't get the emails" line, but then I caught her in her lie, because she knew specific information that was contained in those emails. Once she was caught, she started screaming at me that I had been patronizing in my emails and she was done with that, and then when I tried to explain that I was simply making a request of her, she hung up on me. Here's the thing: the situation was already stressful due to the friend being in a very bad state.  But it is the first time she has engaged with me, so I could not ignore the silent treatment she'd dished me for a month, but that makes me feel bad for "picking a fight" in a time of crisis... .even though all I did was stand up for myself.  I'm fed up.  I don't want no contact. I don't think I need it.  BUT, I will no longer make ANY effort, NONE! to see or talk to that woman.  The only time she communicates with me is when there is a very grave and serious crisis. When there isn't it's silent treatment alternating with manipulation and rages.  I feel sorry for her, but I also want to get as far away from her as possible. Seriously, why is the world not more aware of this totally f-ed up disorder... .

[Boxernanna]

Sorry it has taken awhile for me to come up with a response, since there did not seem to be a specific question to answer.  It was a good vent and that is the purpose of this board. I will share two thoughts:

First, you are still reacting to her actions. Whether it be her silent treatment, her ignoring your emails or her keeping you in the dark about your friend's grave condition, she is clearly punching your buttons, until you explode in anger. She is in control.

Second, you say you do not want to do a NC because you do not feel you need it. By not making any effort to see or talk to your mother, you will be doing a NC. By getting as far away from your mother as you can, you are doing a NC. There are many forms of NC, complete or limited. Your mother has been limiting her contact with you by her silent treatment and failing to respond to your emails.

I think your first plan of action needs to be defining how and when you will communicate. Then you need to start analyzing how your Mom punches your buttons, if you want her to stop controlling you and your emotions. You empower her with your anger. Those are some of the first steps to setting your boundaries.

[caughtnreleased]

Thank you. You are right about all those things.  I have been working so hard on this and still I continue to be hurt.  She has three modes: manipulation, raging and silent treatment and it just cycles over and over.  When I last spoke to my mother, before she raged and hung up she also told me she was coming to the city my sister and I live in to see my sister and her kids.  That made me mad too.  Since my mother always communicates with me through others I told my sister not to allow it to happen.

My mother then left a message saying she would be free to meet with  me at my convenience.  It took me a while because I was feeling pushed and pulled, silent treatment for a month, then a rage and hangup, then phone call to meet.  I had mixed feelings and still do.

In the end, I picked a time, and my sister responds it has to be at her house at x time because she then has to go to work.  I always go to her house, and they rarely come to mine.  I proposed a restaurant.  My sister refused and said she was out.  At that point I offered that we simply cancel because things seemed stressful.  But my mother accepted to meet me at a restaurant.  So as it now stands, my mother and I will be meeting.    I don't know how it will go. After a month of getting the silent treatment, and then now a "let's meet" and see eachother... .it's too much swinging back and forth!  I think I prefer not to meet with her but I suppose because she called me, AND because she will meet me on her own in a restaurant... .I guess I see it as a step so I will meet her in that step. But still... .the pushing and pulling... .I need that to stop. It's a constant roller coaster, and it's usually me against the roller coasting family.